S5 Still Wants His Mom And I Together

[Turkish]

It's less than two weeks short of a year since their mom moved out. We had some emotional trouble with both kids around March when she brought her "new" bf into the lives of the kids. Both him (he turned 5 yesterday) and then D1 didn't want to go to Mommy's but wanted to stay with me. We started joint custody the week she moved out, a 3-2-2-3 schedule due to the ages of the kids.

She backed her bf out of their lives slightly, and it helped for a while. Then she brought him in closer. Other than a lot of talk by our son asking me to be at her apartment (I've been there thrice), or her to come spend time at our house (I let her in to get some of her stuff two weeks after she moved out, but not since--- though she periodically hints about inviting her over for dinner). He finally stopped asking me.

Last spring, my T said that I could validate his feelings, but that the new reality was that she had a new bf, and if he didn't like it, that it wasn't his business. I was a little shocked, but then he said if our son didn't like the new guy personally, that it was ok, to validate how he felt, just that he had to accept it was Mommy's right to have a bf.

She went on vacation for almost two weeks a month ago. Got engaged to the guy. She hasn't told the kids yet. Today, their mom amd I had a sit down conversation about our son. It started out as business, like schools for next year. Then it segued into his emotional sensitivity and how to best deal with that (I swear, D2, as cute as she is, is like a little soldier... .very emotionally resilient and physically tough).

She started asking me if S5 talks about things when he is with me (my radar dish deployed). I said not really. She said the other night that she, her bf and the kids sat on the couch after dinner. S5 almost started crying, and said "I want Daddy!" She asked him if he wanted to call me and he didn't say anything. Contrariwise, D2 often grabs her mom's phone and calls me. She did it this morning, even though I saw the kids last night, and I was to see the kids an hour hence at church.

My analysis:

Our son is still sad and angry we aren't together, and he may also be angry at me, but stuffing his feelings. Their mom wants me to help "rescue" and it's hard for me to know what to do because these our our little children.

My instinct is to do what their mom has been afraid to do and lay it out honestly with the kids, but I feel like I may still be enablng... .their mom to not face the consequences of her choices.

[enlighten me]

Hi Turkish

I have the same thing with my son 13. He doesnt get on with his step dad and has been having problems. He has nearly come to live with me twice but backed out both times. I sat him down and asked him what he wanted. His answer was for me and his mum to get back together. I explained that it was not going to happen. That things had happened which had changed how i felt about his mum and i no longer loved her.

The way I see it is that he loves us both and wants us to get back together so that he doesnt feel torn between us.

Its hard as you never want to give your children bad news and remove hope but sometimes you have to for their own sake. By removing his hope that me and his mum might get back together I hope that he calms down with his step dad who he resents.

[Turkish]

This sounds a lot tougher with a teenager. You can reason more with them on your level... .but you can't due to teen issues, the developing brain and personality, not to mention hormones. 

[enlighten me]

The hard bit is not telling him I think his mum is BPD. He cant understand her behaviour and why she never sticks up for him and his brother. His raging hormones and a very strong sense of justice cause him to lock horns with his step dad. It also doesnt help that step dad has a PD. I dont know what but he's had five years of therapy and in his divorce his alcoholic ex wife was given custody over him of his daughters so there must be something going on.

My sons aware of BPD as he witnessed it with my exgf so ive had discussions about it but I dont think its appropriate to tell him his mum most likely has it aswell. I know when it eventually comes up it will give him a lot of answers but as everything in life timing is critical.

[livednlearned]

Our son is still sad and angry we aren't together, and he may also be angry at me, but stuffing his feelings.

It seems like this is totally appropriate and to be expected? Feeling angry will come and go over time, sometimes more intense than others. Kids are also way, way, way more emotionally perceptive. We forget, I think, how much more emotion they use to size things up. For many of us, we shut that faucet down to a slow drip. Do you think he "feels" your anger by reading cues you may not be aware of?

[Aussie JJ]

Turkish,

So many of us here have become semi experts in BPD that we can often give more in depth amd insightful answers that many psychologists behind the actions of our SO's or exSO's.  Then on the parenting board we become experts in applying coping stratergies to our kids problems.  Its tough as these situations sort of put us in a bind where their is the decision to either let it go (only way i can say it) or be proactive and find a solution that isnt always comfortable. 

Its the giant elephant in the room so to speak.  You know its their, LnL knows its their and enlightened knows its their. 

Something i see that you understand. 

Didn't Cause it

Can't Control it

Can't Cure it. 

So she wants to put the kids in therapy... .  Well, it may be a good or a bad thing, I see it as trying to seek validation that it is the kids problem to overcome (pwBPD here) and not an adults problem to solve. 

All you as a parent can do is control your side of the fence, cure the unhealthyness on your side of the fence and make sure you dont cause any more stress. 

If the ex wants counseling, "if you feel that is appropriate then ill support that for the KIDS"

The best counselling the kids could get is for it to be external to them with their mum as was pointed out in another thread... .  Just be involved and make sure it doesnt become a negative advocate for her. 

The example in the other thread of playing with the kids for 2 hours at the party, best therapy they can get.  A parent that is present and involved with them.  As enlightened pointed out his son had to know what was happening between mum and dad, wanted that stability.  Sounds like she hasnt told the kids their is no more mummy and daddy.  Its a hard message to deliver but for your son their ia now mom and their ia dad, seperate. 

Would this give him more certainty, securty? 

Heck, I'm a spring chicken here.  Still learning myself. 


AJJ. 

[enlighten me]

As you brought up the therapy thing AJJ I would like to add my thooughts on this. My son has seen a hospital therapist to deal with his feelings about his kidney condition and the treatments he has had.These havent been useful as its an hour every few months. After his latest bust ups with his mum I suggested he see a counseler. She agreed and I have spoken to him about it. What I have decided if he agrees is to bbook an appointment for me to discuss my exgf and not his mum. And take him with me to see what being open is all about.

There is a bit more to this as the counseler I will book with is my ex wifes counsellor who we both saw and who agreed with me that my ex wife had a serious mental condition. She never mentioned BPD but did tell me to run and forget about her. With her prior knowledge of my ex wife i am hoping that she can steer the conversation for his benefit.

[Swiggle]

It is never easy when the kids are feeling sad about the situation they are in. Just this past weekend my D11 broke down and was angry that dad and I aren't together. She started crying and saying it wasn't fair over and over again... .it broke my heart. All I could say was you are absolutely right, it isn't fair and you never asked for it to be like this. With my kids S7 an D11 I've always taken they stance when they ask me questions on my feelings about their dad, while I may not be crazy about him now there once was a time that I loved him. I make it very clear that while I'm not in love with their dad that there is a part of me that will always love him because he gave me them.

They usually calm when I say this, it settles the anxiety and sad feelings that they have. I made them and dad made them, if I hate dad then they think I hate them because they come from dad. So in those uneasy times when kids are feeling like this mess is their fault and ask me if I love daddy, by saying what I say, it brings them comfort that, oh ok she doesn't hate him, so she doesn't hate me.

Our kids, for the rest of their lives going to wish to some extent that their parents get back together (totally normal). Being firm on your feelings is important. In the beginning when my ex and I were recycling and they would ask if we were getting back together I would say you never know, don't give up hope. I realize now how damaging that was for them, and I am sick to think I put them through that. It is ok to be firm, validating and caring when your S5 shows signs or says he wants mom/dad back together. "S5 it is totally normal to wish that me and mom were together, you will probably feel like that for a very long time. I can assure you that I'm so glad that your mom and I had a relationship once because from it I got you. Your mom and I will never be together again, and I know that you wish it could be different but I love you and I will always be here for you whenever you feel sad about this."

My son and daughter used to say stuff like wanting us to be together all the time. At one point my D, 8 or 9 at the time, said I think daddy wants to be with you but he is afraid to tell you. My son used to ask at least once a week when he was with me. I can't help but wonder if during that time if dad might have been having thoughts or desires of reconciling and wasn't being clear with the kids that our relationship was over. I feel like this made them question me more often as if to say dad wants this and it is your fault you guys aren't together. Maybe your ex is feeling some of that and the kids are sensing it? I agree with LNL sometimes we forget how perceptive our little ones can be to the emotional stability of parents.