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Author Topic: Emotional Vomit  (Read 417 times)
martillo
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« on: January 25, 2015, 10:37:09 PM »

Is the purpose of emotional vomit to make the pwBPD feel better or the non-BPD feel bad?  UBPDh will start ramping up and he doesn't stop until some family member has exploded back in his face or is defeated, upset and crying -  then he sort of seems to breathe a sigh of relief and be ready to "forgive and forget" until the next time... .so frustrating - because kiddos and I are definitely not perfect people and there is almost always some "corn kernel" of truth (Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)-couldn't resist the analogy!) in the "dump."
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Notwendy
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« Reply #1 on: January 26, 2015, 06:05:11 AM »

I call it that too, because it is like a kid with a stomach ache who vomits and then feels better. As to what the motives are for the pwBPD, I'm not sure it's entirely conscious. I think they tend to hold feelings in, deny that side of them until it builds up. Since the pattern is to externalize bad feelings- get rid of them, I think they do feel some stress to get them out, so when triggered, or given a reason- someone to blame- they rage. They may irritate a family member- and at the point that the family member reacts, that becomes a reason.

Another model is the addiction one. Rage and anger release chemicals in the brain that can then reduce painful feelings, like a drug or alcohol will. Rage and anger feel powerful. The term "rage a holic" refers to people who use rage to make them feel better.

I think both aspects are in play during these things.
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Cat Familiar
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« Reply #2 on: January 26, 2015, 09:41:32 AM »

I think it's also part of a power struggle. I'm very rational and unemotional, while my husband is extremely emotional and ironically quite irrational at times--odd behavior for a lawyer.

When he goads me enough that I lose my temper or break down and cry--it's almost like he's melted the iceberg--or I think that's how he feels.

Because he's been out of control emotionally so many times in my presence, I think he harbors shame and embarrassment. So when he can get that kind of response from me, it seems like he's quite happy that he's not the only one who comes unglued.
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“The Four Agreements  1. Be impeccable with your word.  2. Don’t take anything personally.  3. Don’t make assumptions.  4. Always do your best. ”     ― Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom
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« Reply #3 on: January 26, 2015, 11:42:46 AM »

The last time I started crying when he was raging at me, he raged even more. He likes that I am the one who loses control while he acts calm afterwards. I too believe that he hates that he does this. When it's over, he chooses to act as if it didn't happen.

That last rage, I decided that I wouldn't cry in front of him. I will leave the room and cry somewhere else. I know that it is OK to cry but I don't want to cry in the presence of more rage.

Now that I have seen the tools on this site, I will remove myself from the raging at the moment it starts if I can.
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martillo
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« Reply #4 on: January 26, 2015, 12:43:03 PM »

@NotWendy - I can def see the comparison to an addiction - my uBPDh is an active alcoholic and in learning about alcoholic responses to life, it is hard to sort of separate what is BPD-like behavior and what is alcoholic behavior - sort of the chicken and egg thing - which came first?  They are so similar!

@CatFamiliar and NotWendy - I, too have always been very emotionally controlled and rational - that being said - before I kind of figured out that H handled most life issues inappropriately and I put tools in place, I would break down quickly, end up begging and sobbing and trying to reason things out (can you say JADE - didn't know any better then!) but that resulted in H acting superior (which is a trigger for me - I work on being mindful of that) and only raging more.  A little off topic, but I look back at the person I was and I wish I could go back and comfort that person - I know this sounds silly but I feel so sorry for that person - I was working so hard to love and be lovable - I didn't realize it was more his problem-not all mine! Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)  Back on topic - remaining as unemotional and rational as I can also doesn't really cause the rage to stop - H will change up a little of what he is raging about to try a different approach to "poke the bear" or tell me what a "cold hearted b**ch" I am.  I have learned to "step away from the rager, step away from the rager." 

Thanks for your feedback!

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Notwendy
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« Reply #5 on: January 26, 2015, 12:56:22 PM »

I understand. I too wish I could go back in time to comfort that bride who's biggest hope and dream was a happy family- and a good marriage, the bride who truly put so much trust and hope in her H. Yes, I too was the one who begged and cried and JADE'd my heart out.

I'd had heartbreaks before- when a guy would break up with me, and then I'd have to move on. I remember feeling sad for a while, but I was a strong person who could move on. This time, I was married, and we had children, so I couldn't just move on. It was like having my heart broken, over and over and over again, and yet, he was still there wanting me to be there for him emotionally and physically regardless.

Now, thankfully I know his issues are not me, but I will never be that bride again, and I grieve for her sometimes.
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ColdEthyl
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« Reply #6 on: January 26, 2015, 12:58:02 PM »

@NotWendy - I can def see the comparison to an addiction - my uBPDh is an active alcoholic and in learning about alcoholic responses to life, it is hard to sort of separate what is BPD-like behavior and what is alcoholic behavior - sort of the chicken and egg thing - which came first?  They are so similar!

@CatFamiliar and NotWendy - I, too have always been very emotionally controlled and rational - that being said - before I kind of figured out that H handled most life issues inappropriately and I put tools in place, I would break down quickly, end up begging and sobbing and trying to reason things out (can you say JADE - didn't know any better then!) but that resulted in H acting superior (which is a trigger for me - I work on being mindful of that) and only raging more.  A little off topic, but I look back at the person I was and I wish I could go back and comfort that person - I know this sounds silly but I feel so sorry for that person - I was working so hard to love and be lovable - I didn't realize it was more his problem-not all mine! Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)  Back on topic - remaining as unemotional and rational as I can also doesn't really cause the rage to stop - H will change up a little of what he is raging about to try a different approach to "poke the bear" or tell me what a "cold hearted b**ch" I am.  I have learned to "step away from the rager, step away from the rager." 

Thanks for your feedback!

My dBPDh is also drinker. I think the alcohol makes it easier for him to release his rage. He only rages while drinking. I can recall twice he wasn't drinking, but one of them was on route to his uncle's funeral that he loves very much, so I'm sure that emotional cocktail caused the rage.

It is exactly emotional vomit. That's why it best to leave the area during a rage, and not to internalize the crap they are saying. do. It's not personal... .it's just spewing of bad feelings they have, and they suck at doing it properly. They think they feel that way at the time, but you know as soon as the storm passes, they feel horrible that it happened.

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Notwendy
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« Reply #7 on: January 26, 2015, 01:09:13 PM »

My mom raged when she drank too. It confused me as a teen because by then, I was able to read about alcoholism, and she wasn't the classic alcoholic that drank large volumes, drank all times of the day, or had hangovers. She drank frequently, but it only took a small amount to disinhibit her and then she'd rage. She's a very small woman, so she'd have one or two drinks and then be drunk enough to have these horrendous rages. There wasn't information available on BPD at the time, but I see where the two things- alcohol and the need for emotional vomit worked in her- she would drink to loosen up enough to really let out a rage, and then not take responsibility for it.

H doesn't drink. He gets triggered, makes up a good reason to rage ( something I did, didn't do, he thought I did, or didn't do, or said, or didn't say, whatever,) then he rages and blames me for it.
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Cat Familiar
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« Reply #8 on: January 26, 2015, 01:24:39 PM »

Alcohol allows that dysregulated part of my husband to surface very easily, especially the more that he drinks. He's becoming more of a cranky drunk than a sweet lovey dovey drunk lately. Most of the time I can't even tell that he is drunk by his demeanor. It's just when he starts getting angry about seemingly insignificant stuff and I notice how empty the wine bottles are that I realize he's inebriated. It takes more than one bottle for him to feel satisfied nowadays.

I like the term "emotional vomit" because it's something that needs to be cleaned up the next morning, but seldom is by the one who created it.

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“The Four Agreements  1. Be impeccable with your word.  2. Don’t take anything personally.  3. Don’t make assumptions.  4. Always do your best. ”     ― Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom
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« Reply #9 on: January 26, 2015, 02:12:30 PM »

Emotional vomit is a pretty good description. I imagine being BPD is like drinking gallons of emotional poison. When their cup gets full (usually the final drop is caused by some trigger), they act out of desperation to release it - acting on impulse - rage, blame, project, drink, whatever gets it out of them... .Next thing you know there's poison everywhere. Unfortunately, it usually lands on those closest to them.

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