Dating with someone having BPD

[apple2]

Dear friends,

I am dating with a guy who has most of the characteristics of BPD. He just broke up with me for the second time, which stemmed from tiny things from Non-BP's perspective. It was all of a sudden and was a big shock for me, cuz the day before, everything looked perfect.

He attacked me with a series of mean words. I know that I should not take them personally. However, when I thought about them, I could not help holding back my tears. I wondered how he could be so cold like this.

On the one hand, I really want to get him back, because the good times were perferct. The 3-second break-up decision he made looked like a joke. I don't want to handle my relationship so unseriously and give it up so easily . On the other Hand, I really feel tired, exhausted and heart-broken.

I love him so much so I don't know what to do.

Thanks!

Apple

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[JRT]

Apple

I am really sorry that you are going through this, I know how difficult and painful it is - been there. The sad reality if he is a pwBPD is that he will do it again... .and again... .and again; its referred to as recycling. Mine recycled me a total of 6 times... .some lasting a couple of hours to a couple of weeks to, now, 4 months.

I urge you to get to know what drives BPD's to do the things that they do. The links to the right are a good starting point as are reading and participating in some of the threads. At that point of better understanding, you will want to ask yourself if it is in your best interest to proceed or to back away. Keep in mind a couple of things: as much as this likely had very little if anything to do with who YOU are or what you had done within the relationship, there is also very little that you can do or say to make it any better. Its the nature of the beast.

[apple2]

Dear JRT,

thanks a lot for your prompt reply. I really respect your courage and love to sustain the six times break-up. It's extremely hard. You are strong and brave! I have read two books of the BPD topic and will go through the links on the right side this evening.

For a while, I could not understand my partner's behavior. For example, sometimes, I do not share the same opinion with him about tiny things (e.g. methods of garbage classification), but he got really hurted by this opinion difference. When I finished reading my first book of BPD, I found all of the answers to his "strange" behavior and thinking.

Maybe, I am suffering the Stockholm Symptom - I believe there is a way to make things better, at least not make things worse. I totally agree with what you said, that is the nature of the beast. However, I just find he is indeed a good and smart person. When he is in good mood or in normal condition, he could be very considerate and love helping other people. But because of this personality, he does not really have a close friend. He also ends his other relationships in the past more or less in this way. Although he attacked me with words no girls can really digest, I somehow still love him and don't want to see him living in this way. Because of his high sensitivity to "negative" comments  and his negative assumption of the world, he also suffers by himself.

I don't know how I can help him. I even cannot tell him to read something about BPD or go for professional help. Since it will be a hard attack once more for him... .

I don't know what I can do. To be honest, I have not only love for him but also a lot of sympathy. Even if he doesn't date with me, I hope he can be happy. And I konw that in this way he can't. And the thing will be worse. The more friendships/relationships he ends, the more negative imagination he will have of the world.

That is my struggle.

Best,

Apple

[JRT]

Apple,

I am glad that i can help. Sometimes it is also helpful to hear others stories, mine is similar to yours:

-mine also was hyper sensitive... .those things that you would tease about lovingly were seen by her as attacks upon her very character... .they often describe a BPD as a burn victim without the skin. ANY touch will be exponentially painful than if they had skin. ANYTHING that you say can be leverage fro drama or a breakup.

-mine has no close friends either... .sure she has 3 or 4 that she calls friends, but they know nothing about her and she recycles them as well! When I met her 2 1/2 years ago, she had one friend and she had nothing but contempt for her. Slowly, she reconciled withe the other two or three but still demonstrated disgust for all of them.

-Mine had only 4 relationship in her entire life (almost hard to believe for a 44 year old woman)... .all of them were short and ended with her cast as the victim as I am certain that she is painting me to this day

I had a great relationship with mine minus the breakups. Thee was not the chaos and constant raging that seems to describe all BPD r/s's. On the last recycle, mine simply just disappeared. She moved out while I was out of town and blocked me from contacting her... .it has been four months and I have not heard from her at all (even though I know that she is stalking me on social media and such). 

You may want to consider NC for a bit while he is able to collect his thoughts, any contact may harm your efforts to salvage your relationship as the push/pull dynamic will more to drive him away than otherwise. There is not much more that I have learned about here or otherwise that you can do. Sorry... .

[apple2]

Apple,

I am glad that i can help. Sometimes it is also helpful to hear others stories, mine is similar to yours:

-mine also was hyper sensitive... .those things that you would tease about lovingly were seen by her as attacks upon her very character... .they often describe a BPD as a burn victim without the skin. ANY touch will be exponentially painful than if they had skin. ANYTHING that you say can be leverage fro drama or a breakup.

-mine has no close friends either... .sure she has 3 or 4 that she calls friends, but they know nothing about her and she recycles them as well! When I met her 2 1/2 years ago, she had one friend and she had nothing but contempt for her. Slowly, she reconciled withe the other two or three but still demonstrated disgust for all of them.

-Mine had only 4 relationship in her entire life (almost hard to believe for a 44 year old woman)... .all of them were short and ended with her cast as the victim as I am certain that she is painting me to this day

I had a great relationship with mine minus the breakups. Thee was not the chaos and constant raging that seems to describe all BPD r/s's. On the last recycle, mine simply just disappeared. She moved out while I was out of town and blocked me from contacting her... .it has been four months and I have not heard from her at all (even though I know that she is stalking me on social media and such).  

You may want to consider NC for a bit while he is able to collect his thoughts, any contact may harm your efforts to salvage your relationship as the push/pull dynamic will more to drive him away than otherwise. There is not much more that I have learned about here or otherwise that you can do. Sorry... .

Hi JRT,

thanks again for sharing your story. Above all, I feel somehow relieved, because maybe only people dating with BPD can deeply understand what I am saying. (While other good friends of mine would just tell me, I should have broken up with the "jerk" months ago)

Actually, he left me before the New Year's Eve. A day before the break-up, we still discussed about going to his home where his parents live. We also made the appointment with my friends to celeberate the new year together. Then, the break-up just happened.

I sent him one message two days thereafter, telling him I am really in love with him. But it was apparently no use for him to collect his thoughts. He himself regards it as a circle and the reason is we do not suit each other. He told me this issue again. I did not expect that he would change his thinking in this period. He is quite stubborn. He can not think it in another way by himself. He just draw a conclusion in 3 second, and then found out Information to confirm his conclusion, instead of really thinking it over in a rational way.

After half a month, I told him that I need to have a talk with him. He asked when (seemed to accept it). I arranged the appointment at the end of Jan... In this NC period, he sent me some material for a certificate exam, besides that no further contact.

Sometimes, I wondered whether I should have a talk with him at all. It seems to be stupid to explain things which should not be explained. I asked myself how can my life turn to be so complicated. But when I remember the good moments, I still hope I can collect enough courage to cure myself and have a try in the coming days.

I actually don't know how to comfort you. Anyway, we need to restore energy and be strong, no matter how hard it is... .Best wishes to you!

[JRT]

what a heartache... .its all too eerily familiar to me... .the day before my b/u, my ex was discussing plans for the weekend, our wedding, friends we had invited over for a bonfire, and so on... .remember: the breakup often happens on impulse while I suspect that the rationale that they provide is just lip service that they made up after they have painted you black to justify their rash decision to b/u.

I hope that you will come to terms that it was not at all likely something you did or something you were not... .there VERY probably was nothing that you had done to prompt this as an action... .don't be hard on yourself

You need to now focus on how to stop the pain of that herd of elephants on your heart and soul... .you know those things that always make you feel good? Like exercise or watching movies or listening to music, become an addict! Keep talking about BPD here and contribute to the forums... .I love my friends but like yours, the more that I talk about it with them, the more they think that I am the crazy one... .you may want to avoid the topic with them and when it does come up, be short and sweet about it. I learned about this the hard way.

The pain will go away... .I promise.

[apple2]

what a heartache... .its all too eerily familiar to me... .the day before my b/u, my ex was discussing plans for the weekend, our wedding, friends we had invited over for a bonfire, and so on... .remember: the breakup often happens on impulse while I suspect that the rationale that they provide is just lip service that they made up after they have painted you black to justify their rash decision to b/u.

I hope that you will come to terms that it was not at all likely something you did or something you were not... .there VERY probably was nothing that you had done to prompt this as an action... .don't be hard on yourself

You need to now focus on how to stop the pain of that herd of elephants on your heart and soul... .you know those things that always make you feel good? Like exercise or watching movies or listening to music, become an addict! Keep talking about BPD here and contribute to the forums... .I love my friends but like yours, the more that I talk about it with them, the more they think that I am the crazy one... .you may want to avoid the topic with them and when it does come up, be short and sweet about it. I learned about this the hard way.

The pain will go away... .I promise.

Hey JRT,

thanks a lot for your help.

The pain is sometimes so strong. Especially when my EX brokeup, both times he said something like these:

- From the beginning, I have no feelings at all

- you must accept that someone just slept with you without emotionally attached to you

- I will never marry you

- You are not important

- You are not good enough for me

- I don't love you. You cannot urge me to love you.

- You should date someone else.

- You'd better leave right now, otherwise, should I call the police?

- etc.

Each sentence is like a sword, directly plugged into my heart.

We dated for five months and spent almost every weekends together. And I am not 20 years old, I have enough life experience to tell the difference between a sexual "game" and a relationship. Usually, he was very patient and considerate, even I could not be so patient as he.  

But still, the bad words hurt me so much. Sometimes, I asked myself, am I the crazy one? What he said is actually the truth? But when I looked back at the good times, it is absolutely not like what he said.

I really want to drag the devil from his brain... .

I have never imagined I heard all those words one day in my life. I suppose even someone only wants sex would not say that to hurt a person. Sometimes, I am just wondering, whether he felt justified to say all of this without feeling sorry.

This is typical verbal abuse of a BPD or Is it really the truth- even a BPD would not say this?

[JRT]

Apple

I am sorry to hear that he said and did these things to you, I KNOW it must hurt. I know that you probably don't think so but it COULD be worse. I have heard some stories here that would tear your heart in two. Just when I thought that I had heard it all, I read one that is even worse. My own fiance left me without a word of warning 4 months ago after being together for more than two years. Not only did we spend every day together, she had just moved in. I tried to contact her and she DID call the police on me. So yes, I know pretty well how you feel... it DOES feel like a sword!... .its terrible... .its not fair and its not right for someone to do this in any way shape or form. You did not deserve this... .no on does unless they were being highly abusive.

I can't say if he means what he says, I don't know. Some of those things are consistent with what a BPD would say and what he really feels. Have you read "Walking on Eggshells'? I urge you to pick it up if you have not as it is essential reading for us non's. It will answer most of your questions for you and is a pretty easy read. I felt a few notched better after I had read it.

Remember a few things: you did not cause this and nothing that you said did either. Likewise, there is nothing that you can do to make him better... .only your ex can do that. I hope that there is a happy ending for you with him... .but, I know that this is difficult, you must consider the possibility that it may never work out. AND, if he com es back to you, you must consider the possibility that you will have a similar outcome somewhere down the line. Part of this process is to ask yourself questions as well. Don't worry, I have not yet answered all of mine.

[apple2]

Apple

I am sorry to hear that he said and did these things to you, I KNOW it must hurt. I know that you probably don't think so but it COULD be worse. I have heard some stories here that would tear your heart in two. Just when I thought that I had heard it all, I read one that is even worse. My own fiance left me without a word of warning 4 months ago after being together for more than two years. Not only did we spend every day together, she had just moved in. I tried to contact her and she DID call the police on me. So yes, I know pretty well how you feel... it DOES feel like a sword!... .its terrible... .its not fair and its not right for someone to do this in any way shape or form. You did not deserve this... .no on does unless they were being highly abusive.

I can't say if he means what he says, I don't know. Some of those things are consistent with what a BPD would say and what he really feels. Have you read "Walking on Eggshells'? I urge you to pick it up if you have not as it is essential reading for us non's. It will answer most of your questions for you and is a pretty easy read. I felt a few notched better after I had read it.

Remember a few things: you did not cause this and nothing that you said did either. Likewise, there is nothing that you can do to make him better... .only your ex can do that. I hope that there is a happy ending for you with him... .but, I know that this is difficult, you must consider the possibility that it may never work out. AND, if he com es back to you, you must consider the possibility that you will have a similar outcome somewhere down the line. Part of this process is to ask yourself questions as well. Don't worry, I have not yet answered all of mine.

Hi JRT,

I arranged an appointment and will meet mine on weekend for a talk after one-month NC.

Of course, I want to win him back. But you know somehow my mood is very complicated, love, hurt, angry, tired feeling... .I would rather beat him (For sure I'll not do that in the real world) instead of having a talk.

Love, it is still there. I even hate myself why I still have love for him.

Hurt, even if I don't think about it, depression sometimes comes back in my stomach.

Angry, I know he has BPD, still I am asking, who gives him the right to do this to me. Why he makes me feel depressed and think about finding a psychologist for myself. He is actually the one who originally needs the help. What he said is not like the behavior of a human being. And he has never really apologized for his wrong behaviors. He felt quite OK even if he ruined my birthday and new year. Why is he right now "OK" (I don'T know) but I need to suffer.

Tired, I don't want to explain my behavior in the past, but in order to rescue the relationship, I have to.

I don't know what kind of attitude should I have for the talk. What should I say. Do you have any Suggestion? Thanks.


Apple

[JRT]

Apple... .I am glad that you are being given the opportunity to try to salvage your relationship... .its good to at least have the chance... .I wish that I had any advice for you of something effective to tell him, but I don't... .remember; if he is a BPD, it is very unlikely that anything that you had said or done caused him to leave... .accordingly, despite having what seems like the maturity and big heart enough to accept blame or do WHATEVER it takes to win back his heart, you are doing nothing to address the fundamental issue of his disorder... .in fat, you may be setting yourself up for even more pain down the road... .please trust me when I tell you that I sincerely would like to see you reconcile with him and live happily ever after (I wish every day that I would wake up and my breakup be nothing more than a bad dream, but that is not going to happen and it has been four months).

What I might do is pour through this site... .maybe start a new thread: "I am meeting with him, what should I say' or "What assurances should I get from our meeting" or something like that. But I would strongly recommend that you write down what you are going to ask him and discuss. One of the things that I would make sure of is that he recognizes that something is wrong and he is committed to DOING something about it. When my ex recycled me, she would always say "I need to see someone". I would assure her that we would get through it together and we never bothered with a therapist. My mistake... .

[apple2]

Apple... .I am glad that you are being given the opportunity to try to salvage your relationship... .its good to at least have the chance... .I wish that I had any advice for you of something effective to tell him, but I don't... .remember; if he is a BPD, it is very unlikely that anything that you had said or done caused him to leave... .accordingly, despite having what seems like the maturity and big heart enough to accept blame or do WHATEVER it takes to win back his heart, you are doing nothing to address the fundamental issue of his disorder... .in fat, you may be setting yourself up for even more pain down the road... .please trust me when I tell you that I sincerely would like to see you reconcile with him and live happily ever after (I wish every day that I would wake up and my breakup be nothing more than a bad dream, but that is not going to happen and it has been four months).

What I might do is pour through this site... .maybe start a new thread: "I am meeting with him, what should I say' or "What assurances should I get from our meeting" or something like that. But I would strongly recommend that you write down what you are going to ask him and discuss. One of the things that I would make sure of is that he recognizes that something is wrong and he is committed to DOING something about it. When my ex recycled me, she would always say "I need to see someone". I would assure her that we would get through it together and we never bothered with a therapist. My mistake... .

Dear JRT,

I talked with mine today. It was really weird. He happily accepted my appointment and was there. Through the NC period, he also sent me some materials for an exam.

We had a warm-up phrase of our conversation. Everything looked fine. Then just because too many people came to the coffeeshop. We did not want everyone heard what we discussed. Therefore, we went to his apartment to talk it further. He had sex with me, very gentle and said that he loves me. (Actually, he knew that I already said yes to him, he did not need to use I love you to persuade me anymore)But afterwards, I tried to continue the conversation about the past.

He just laughed strangely and said he did not have feeling. And he did not love me. He has a hard childhood, many girls treated him bad, therefore, he wanted to manipulate me and take revange. And he enjoyed the moment after he took revange.(not only to me, but girls in general) He said that he is not secure, therefore he is hurted easily.

But I have enough experiences and also received behaviorial observation training because I studied for HRM. Yeah, there were good moments and terrible moments based on his mood. I am quite sure that what he did in the past 5 months is at least not like fully pretending.

I really got quite puzzeled. It is BPD or just an extraordinary jerk? But when he laughed sometimes, I really feel not like a normal Person with normal mood... .

[JRT]

Are you saying that he admitted to you that he, essentially, used you and manipulated you as a way of taking revenge against other women in his life?

[apple2]

Are you saying that he admitted to you that he, essentially, used you and manipulated you as a way of taking revenge against other women in his life?

Hi JRT,

I haven't finished minutes ago and just posted by mistake.

Yeah, he admitted it. I felt quite strange. Because I just can not believe it someone uses 5 months almost everyday just to do that. Because the relationship between him and me was so intensive.

And he really has all the traits of BPD.

I just did not expect that he admitted the Manipulation Thing... .





Dear JRT,

I talked with mine today. It was really weird. He happily accepted my appointment and was there. Through the NC period, he also sent me some materials for an exam.

We had a warm-up phrase of our conversation. Everything looked fine. Then just because too many people came to the coffeeshop. We did not want everyone heard what we discussed. Therefore, we went to his apartment to talk it further. He had sex with me, very gentle and said that he loves me. (Actually, he knew that I already said yes to him, he did not need to use I love you to persuade me anymore)But afterwards, I tried to continue the conversation about the past.

He just laughed strangely and said he did not have feeling. And he did not love me. He has a hard childhood, many girls treated him bad, therefore, he wanted to manipulate me and take revange. And he enjoyed the moment after he took revange.(not only to me, but girls in general) He said that he is not secure, therefore he is hurted easily.

But I have enough experiences and also received behaviorial observation training because I studied for HRM. Yeah, there were good moments and terrible moments based on his mood. I am quite sure that what he did in the past 5 months is at least not like fully pretending.

I really got quite puzzeled. It is BPD or just an extraordinary jerk? But when he laughed sometimes, I really feel not like a normal Person with normal mood... .

[JRT]

what a horrible thing to say but yes, to me, it sounds VERY BPD... .most of the times, they are too much of cowards to admit it... .like mine, who simply ran away and new spoke to me again... .

I know that this was intense for you ... .however, you may wish tto reconsider your affection for this person... .I know that this is not what you want to hear... .but worth considering.

[apple2]

what a horrible thing to say but yes, to me, it sounds VERY BPD... .most of the times, they are too much of cowards to admit it... .like mine, who simply ran away and new spoke to me again... .

I know that this was intense for you ... .however, you may wish tto reconsider your affection for this person... .I know that this is not what you want to hear... .but worth considering.

HI JRT,

I also have the Feeling that whatever he said, after weeks or months, he will again tell me that he did not know what he was talking about. Or he just thought so, now he think his thoughts were wrong. Just like the 1. Break-up.

I don't know. The bleeding of my heart just stopped gradually, but I somehow cannot stop loving him. Or it is just Sympathy? I just think he has no friends at all, and I believe he was really got deeply hurted during his School time... .not only by Girls, but also by Boys (He told me he had fights with them)

How about yours? Are you ready to make your relationship better or just let it go?

[JRT]

Hi Apple,

It sounds to me as if this person has deep rooted problems with intimate relationships... .I don't want to discourage hope for you but some might argue that he has more problems than you could possibly be able to overcome... .its certainly something to consider... .I know the pain is deep, we are all feeling it here... .I ahve pretty much round the corner but learning more and helping others seems to help me.

As for me, I have no cards at all to play. Mine disappeared when I was away on business. She had just moved in with my daughter and I 3 weeks prior... .there was no fighting between us to speak over and we shared many of the same values and interests... .she broke up in an angry thee line text and blocked every possible way of communicating with her... .she went as far as to unfriend all of my friends on FB and demanded that her family and friends do the same... .it was surreal to me... .eve when I tried to circumvent the blocks, she called the police on me!

This all happened 4 months ago. I don't want to risk having a criminal record over someone whose mental would enable her to make legal trouble for me. So, if anything happens, it will be at her prompting. Most BPD's eventually circle back especially when their needs are not being met, bu I am growing more and more doubtful that I will ever hear back from mine.