Thinking more and more that it's not working and I need to get out w/ the kids

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

So my 8 yr old is having trouble in school, acting out a lot. mostly due to my BPDh (not his biological father) behavior.  My son doesn't want to eat at the dinner table anymore.  He doesn't want to be around my husband.  My son has always been very sensitive (to heat, to textures of foods, to noises, he's extremely smart when it comes to math and sorting and patterns- so he has a lot of traits of Autism).  My husband is very insensitive to him, calling him girly, and a baby, or a monster.  He's called him a moron, stupid, that his brain is broken (insults he uses for me too).  He constantly picks at him.  Then he yells at me that I don't deal with him right.  He thinks I should just "beat his ass" (my husband's mother broke wooden spoons over his ass) .  I don't believe in that at all.  We are all (me and my kids) scared of him.  He just yelled and yelled at me about how I am the worst mother, in front of my son.  Then my son told me in a calm voice, "I don't think you are the worst mom" & and told me "I love you".  No kids are the same, each one is unique. They need patience and understanding, not ass beatings and name calling, and threats. He's never really gotten to know who the kids are, but he thinks he knows everything about them, including the inner workings of their minds.  He accuses them of stuff all the time & and because they get that "deer in the headlights look" that it means his accusations are true.  nope, the kids are just scared of him and don't know how to respond.  In need of advice on how to proceed. Help

[Smileypants]

So my 8 yr old is having trouble in school, acting out a lot. mostly due to my BPDh (not his biological father) behavior.  My son doesn't want to eat at the dinner table anymore.  He doesn't want to be around my husband.  My son has always been very sensitive (to heat, to textures of foods, to noises, he's extremely smart when it comes to math and sorting and patterns- so he has a lot of traits of Autism).  My husband is very insensitive to him, calling him girly, and a baby, or a monster.  He's called him a moron, stupid, that his brain is broken (insults he uses for me too).  He constantly picks at him.  Then he yells at me that I don't deal with him right.  He thinks I should just "beat his ass" (my husband's mother broke wooden spoons over his ass) .  I don't believe in that at all.  We are all (me and my kids) scared of him.  He just yelled and yelled at me about how I am the worst mother, in front of my son.  Then my son told me in a calm voice, "I don't think you are the worst mom" & and told me "I love you".  No kids are the same, each one is unique. They need patience and understanding, not ass beatings and name calling, and threats. He's never really gotten to know who the kids are, but he thinks he knows everything about them, including the inner workings of their minds.  He accuses them of stuff all the time & and because they get that "deer in the headlights look" that it means his accusations are true.  nope, the kids are just scared of him and don't know how to respond.  In need of advice on how to proceed. Help

[Turkish]

Hello Smilelypants,

It's sad that your young son has to step in and rescue you, while he is also the target of his step-father's abuse. You mention kids in the plural though, so do you also have a child with him?

Our son, who just turned 5, is also neurologically sensitive in some of the ways you describe. His tantrums can trigger his mom (and D2's stubborness on the other side). Though I believe children need firm discipline when called for, the behaviors you describe are indeed uncalled for. And you are right that kids are different. I even altered my time out concept for S5 due to his sometimes hyper-emotionality.

I know that it must be very hard right now for you, as you are deciding whether to stay or go. Though most of us here are divorced or seperated, there are still tools you can use to help protect your kids. Validating a child's emotions goes a long way towards calming strong emotions that they feel, ad in the long run, helping them learn to regulate their emotions themselves (emotional resiliency). It can also help them develop a strong sense of themselves, apart from the abusive parent. Does this make sense?

[ForeverDad]

Sensitivity to food textures and noises... .have the doctors considered Sensory Processing Disorder?  There is an entire world of help if that is identified.  Of course, being in an unhealthy home environment isn't a help.

www.en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sensory_processing_disorder

[FamilyLaw]

Smileypants, please take this with all the love I intend.  You need to get you and your kids out now.  What you are experiencing is domestic abuse, just as vicious and violent as if your husband were beating you and your son.  In fact, its worse, because instead of just hurting your body, he is hurting your heart and soul.  No one, and especially not a child, deserves to be told that their "brain is broken." 

Please make contact with the domestic abuse shelter in your area.  They can help you make a plan, find a safe place to be, and get on your feet.  Your son deserves to be away from this, and so do you.

[ForeverDad]

Sadly, courts and agencies can minimize the impact and toll on the children when there is an environment of continual emotional abuse.  However, that doesn't make it right.  Even if it isn't legally 'actionable' for child protective services or a court to take action, you have the power to take action and start providing your children a stable, safe, calm and peaceful home environment, as Family Law emphasized.

However, since he is directing the abuse at one or more of the children, that may make it 'actionable', at least to some extent.  It surely ought to mean something when the agencies, evaluators and court decide how to apportion parenting time.  If it's bad enough you might even be able to ask for supervised visitation.  (If any of your children are his step children, then I doubt he would have any visitation rights to those children.)  Meanwhile, start documenting his abuse.  A record of specific incidents is invaluable, you don't want the case to become unsupported "he-said, she-said" that might be largely ignored.  (I quietly recorded my ex's rants and rages, it saved my skin more than once with police, CPS and in court.)

I recall when I called CPS - twice - in the months before my separation and divorce that both staff members asked me, "Is she directing her screaming at you or at the child?"  I had to admit that I was the primary 'target'.  I was told, "In that case, call back if she starts screaming at your child."  Apparently children being exposed to verbal abuse was not actionable in my area, but being the target of verbal abuse might be.   I recall one of them also told me to do what her mother had done, separate and divorce.  A few months later the conflict heightened and that's precisely what I had to do.  Yes, my ex still had parenting time with our child but at least I was able to (1) make my own home a stable and safe place for my child and (2) I reported the spouse's poor and concerning behaviors to CPS, evaluators and the court.  Over the years that information reduced (but not eliminated) our son's exposure to verbal and emotional abuse.

Even if the agencies are slow to react or react minimally, you can still choose to take positive steps to redirect your life.  You can conclude the marriage is not only dysfunctional but unhealthy and abusive.  You can separate, perhaps seeking a protection or restraining order so you can the children can have peace.  Explore your options - confidentially - with your local DV resources and in consultations with some experienced family law attorneys.  Remember, you have a right to confidentiality and privacy in this matter, your husband has no right to interrogate you or pressure you to divulge these matters.

I recall what our Guardian ad Litem (GAL) said on the day I became Legal Guardian, "Because of you your son be okay."  There are still issues my son and I have to deal with regarding his mother's behaviors but they're certainly far less impactful than if I would have stayed in that hostile environment.

[Smileypants]

Sorry I haven't replied,  it's hard for me to find time to get online.  I do it from my phone usually.  It's something I have to hide.  When I read stop walking on eggshells I hid it in another book (like a kid hiding a comic in a textbook) so he wouldn't see what I was doing.  He was diagnosed as a teenager, but he is a high functioning BPD & bipolar, but he doesn't believe that anything is wrong with him.  He doesn't know that I know (his sister told me after I started talking to her about how his behaviors.  We have Six children in the house. 2 his, 3 mine and 1 ours.  I didn't know of his diagnosis when I married him.  We had problems (which he said his jealousy and anger would stop when if I married him), but they are increasingly.  Our child together wasn't planned.  And he was horrible to me most of my pregnancy.  I want to get free, but no matter what I do it will end badly.  His boys wouldn't have any stability (their mom has mental & substance abuse problems).  He wouldn't let them stay.  Then he has threatened to take our D3, even though he can't really deal with her.  He always ends up yelling and getting mad that she won't do what she's told.  And that scares me, I don't trust him with the safety of my kids.  Then there is the fact that the house, almost everything in it, all the vehicles are either  mine or my father's (he passed away in 2013).  So I am not leaving, it's my stuff.  I would have to make him leave, once I said that he should and he told me I should leave... .then the argument got more out of control (well his argument because I couldn't get a word

in edge wise).  Makes it difficult to take action.  And with everybody's needs to be taken care of and I work & run my own business,  sometimes I can't find time to get laundry done much less make arrangements for something with such potential for disaster.

[Smileypants]

Also thank you for the link on the sensory processing disorder.  I'm going to talk to my son's dr about his upcoming physical. :-)