I'm her best friend, and she really loves me... but

[Grey Kitty]

Any guidance on how a guy like me... .stays out of that mode.

With lots and lots of practice. 

How do you think I got as far as I did into it!

I think I'm close to a hijack here... .

OK... .moving right along then. Yes, it is my topic  



I've now got my own wheels for a while, so I can drive the ~hour to see her and come and go on my own schedule as I please, instead of being dependent on her for transportation when we got together. This is feeling better for me even before I've taken advantage of it.

I proposed that we watch the Super Bowl together over email, and got an enthusiastic response.

I'll be seeing her Sunday. And even in an environment that will be fun (Less so if the Seahawks lose!), and perhaps without any heavy processing at all this time.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Bloomer]

I feel like you've been promoted to superstar. You seem completely zen with this at the moment and I applaud the work you're doing to stay so in tune and positive. Watch the superbowl and have fun. You kick arse my friend. *nerdy high five*

[Crumbling]

    Ditto to what Bloomer said:

I feel like you've been promoted to superstar. You seem completely zen with this at the moment and I applaud the work you're doing to stay so in tune and positive. Watch the superbowl and have fun. You kick arse my friend. *nerdy high five*

[MissyM]

I've now got my own wheels for a while, so I can drive the ~hour to see her and come and go on my own schedule as I please, instead of being dependent on her for transportation when we got together. This is feeling better for me even before I've taken advantage of it.

I proposed that we watch the Super Bowl together over email, and got an enthusiastic response.

I'll be seeing her Sunday. And even in an environment that will be fun (Less so if the Seahawks lose!), and perhaps without any heavy processing at all this time.

All good, my friend! 

[KateCat]

The Seahawks will not lose.

[Bloomer]

I think you have to say it this way for it to work: Lose not will the Seahawks.


GK, how have you been productivity wise? I know that has been hard for you throughout this whole situation. Isn't it amazing how much energy we can lose on arguments/discussions that we can't even find the will to do basic things. I've been thinking how much more productive I've been these past two weeks with the distance, aside from the day of circular arguments. Creating space for ourselves in our rs frees up the mental space we need, not just to handle ourselves in the rs better but, to take better care of ourselves, too. I hope this is the case for you.   Bloomer

[KateCat]

Lose not will the Seahawks.

[formflier]

Lose not will the Seahawks.

The force will be with us... .!

[formflier]

 

GK,

Can I hijack the thread to support the Seahawks?       

[Grey Kitty]

  bpdfamily 12th man? 

Negotiations were interesting. I had an invite to come up earlier... .net result would have been ~12 hours with her. Then she had to find another place to watch the game... .and proposed that we get a nice hotel room for the night after.

I managed to gently dodge the first one... .then when she proposed the second, I said something about wanting to do something fun with her (watch the superbowl, etc.) and leave it mostly at that, and not spend all day and end up with more heavy processing than we can easily handle.

And I decided to put my wedding ring back on. I don't want to invite a heavy discussion about what it means with her, and she would most likely notice.

I may well take it back off again when I return. It is an interesting little change in myself to try out--how my hand feels without its long-standing presence there. I notice it isn't there and think about it a little now and again. Funny now the way my finger formed around it over years didn't shift back at all in a few days.

[123Phoebe]

Go PATRIOTS!

And best to you and your wife, Grey Kitty

[Grey Kitty]

Overall a very pleasant time with my wife. I met her housemate who is nice, fun, and tends to monopolize conversation a bit, but can keep us engaged a long time. (The three of us were talking long enough that I had to look at the time and remind my wife that we needed to get out in time to get dinner going before the game started!)

We had enough time for a nice walk and good talking and hugging... .then ordered food and beverages a little before kickoff... .mostly chatted, watched the game, cuddled a bit.

We talked some about lighter topics in our lives--my latest progress on the boat (which was a significant milestone!), and she just had a heavy conversation with the woman she's staying with about how the two of them are relating. Challenging, but sounds like it was resolved well. Both of us were able to appreciate sharing things in our lives... .

We did get into some heavier stuff too. At one point I had to tell her that it was an exciting part of the game, and I wasn't able to focus on her as well as I wanted to for this sort of conversation. (She seemed happy with the way that part went down) Here's what we did talk about:

Topic #1: She mentioned that in order to save our marriage, she needs to have space apart from me to work on her daily stuff (writing / writing promotion / whatever). I pretty much agreed. ['Tho I have this weird argumentative streak where I have to disagree about why even when I'm going to the same conclusion.      She pointed this out (again), which is good, as previously she would get hurt and resentful, but hide it]

... .she started to go into some financial questions/old arguments, and somehow we lost steam and didn't engage further--which I'm happy to delay.

Topic #2A: She's concerned with my inability to trust her to be friends with the guy she cheated with. (Polite and understated, but was clearly headed toward the conclusion that my lack of trust is a deal breaker.)

Topic #2B: She's concerned about who I'm talking to (about my marriage / her). I've got a relatively new friend/supporter that she doesn't know, plus some mutual friends who have been supporting me throughout this, that she's got more distance with. [Getting support doesn't have to mean painting my wife as persecuting me, and asking somebody else to rescue me... .but it sure takes a LOT of effort to avoid that. Especially if my wife jumps into the victim corner here. Ultimately, a little triangulation is probably unavoidable, no matter how hard both I and the friend try to avoid it, and try to manage it well.]

She wasn't sounding very triggered, and I might have validated a bit, but I made another point here: Right now, she isn't sure she wants to be in a romantic r/s with me. If she isn't, we don't have to resolve either of these things!

She also mentioned that she wasn't sure she wanted to be in an open r/s anymore. (I listened, but didn't bite... .again, not very relevant if we aren't in a romantic r/s)

She is obviously doing a lot of thinking / soul searching.

... .she's going to drive down and visit her dad for most of this week. I think we'll schedule MC again for when she returns. She's got a few more things to she wants to share with me... .hopefully not quite dropping a bomb, but she did say she didn't know how I would react. I was busy at the time and wanted to stay productive today, so we'll meet for coffee as she's hitting the road.

[formflier]

 

So... .what's up with your wifes nomadic lifestyle?  That is part of the picture... that I don't understand.

When I read the part about wanting her own space... I about choked... .it appears to me she has been avoiding that... .

[Bloomer]

Congratulations on your boat progress! And also on being able to communicate with your wife about your life happenings. Sounds like you both worked hard to make the day successful.

Topic#1: So if you are questioning why she needs space to work  but also understand it, what do you think is being triggered when you hear her say this to you?

Topic#2a: Are you sure she was headed toward that conclusion? What did she say to convince you of this? Is her speaking to this guy a deal breaker for you? I think you're right to feel a breach in trust and I understand how that is frustrating for her if she feels like she is really committed to not breaching it again. Unfortunately, you may never be able to agree on this one.

Topic#2b: If I had a nickel for every time we had this conversation, I'd have bought myself an island by now. I understand feeling afraid that your friends or even not friends will see you a certain way. However, I don't think it's ok to make a partner feel guilty for seeking emotional support through friends. I even reassure my husband that I'm not just painting him black. In fact, I usually end up defending him and my friends are the one painting him black.   Does she not have a support system? H doesn't, so I think that makes this harder for him and that's why I ask. I encourage him to get one but he won't.

Definitely does sound like she's doing some soul searching. I don't even understand how she doesn't want to be open and also doesn't want a romantic r/s with you anymore... .that logic equals she wants NO romantic relationship with anyone. Doesn't really make sense, so she must be in between thoughts and deciding maybe.

How are you feeling at this point. Are you leaning more one way or another after this or just waiting for the next MC session?

 Bloomer

[formflier]

 

GK,

To me... .it all seems central around the cheating thing.

On the one hand... .it would seem you need to understand... .or she needs to be able to explain... .how it was not cheating... .or how she is taking your feelings into account if she continues contact.  Note... .this is very different than agreeing.

There would seem to be an acknowledgement... .that if she chooses to be in a r/s with anyone... .including GK... .there will be some feeling of being controlled... .unless she intends to never consider the other persons feelings... .and just do what she wants.  That's life... .that's r/s

Not saying to bring that up right now... .but that seems to be at the core... .

Thoughts?

[Crumbling]

   Congrats on the boat goal being achieved!  I'm proud of you, good work.

It sounds like she got the chance to test the waters on some boundaries that she may be considering.  I'm wondering, regardless of her opinion, are you open to a closed r/s with her?  If trust is an issue in an open marriage, how would making the r/s monogamous help with that?  No experience on open marriages here, so I'm just wondering.

Also, what issues were you able to bring to the table?  Was she willing to hear your needs?  So, it sounds like there are no MC appts at the moment... .and I heard a 'maybe later' statement about that.  Is that your decision?  gotta go

[vortex of confusion]

Definitely does sound like she's doing some soul searching. I don't even understand how she doesn't want to be open and also doesn't want a romantic r/s with you anymore... .that logic equals she wants NO romantic relationship with anyone. Doesn't really make sense, so she must be in between thoughts and deciding maybe.

I can't speak for GK's wife but I can understand how one would feel this way. I feel this way a lot. I don't want to be in an open relationship with my husband. and I don't want to be in a romantic relationship with him either. But, I don't feel like I can do anything about any of it. I am too big of a chicken to come right out and tell my husband how I feel because I know it will hurt him. And, I know that my mind is really confused and is in a bit of a FOG. I feel like my husband pushes me to make decisions and do things even though I am not quite ready. I spent years trying to get him to hear what I was saying. I spent years asking him to check back into the marriage. For years, all of my requests fell on deaf ears. Now, after I am tired and exhausted, my husband has started a recovery program for SA. Now, he wants to do all of this stuff. Now, he wants answers and he wants me to go back to being the person that would listen to his BS, try to get his attention, and pretty much take whatever I was given.

It is confusing for me because he is now doing some of the things that I wanted him to do. I feel like a jerk for not jumping for joy. I don't believe this is going to last. So, my question for GK is, "Was there a period of time where your wife tried to get your attention? I know you have mentioned that she has asked you to be more romantic for quite a while. Have there been other requests (that were reasonable) over the years that you have dismissed? Do you have a pattern of not sticking to your guns? What reason does she have to believe that you are serious this time?