Specific requests for help

[ennie]

I vented about our situations here:

bpdfamily.com > Dealing with Relationship Partners (heterosexual, gay, lesbian) with BPD  > [L5] Co-parenting after the Split > Topic: Please no custody litigation again... .


And now have some specific questions for all y' all.  Ideally, unless I am clearly asking for something different, I would like help with what I can do... .not how my husband should be or how my BPDex wife in law should be. 

1) What ideas do you have for helping SD10 to decrease stress? 

2) How do I make the choice about how much to focus on my work vs. our family in this time of stress?  I do not really subscribe to the "I am a stepmom, so it is not my problem" school of thought--these kids have lived with me half of the time for 8 years, more than half of their little lives... .at the same time, I really get a lot out of my work.  But, I am presently starting an innovative nonprofit in a competitive field, so my work is VERY high stress right now.  It is not just a job, it takes a lot of serious commitment on my part, and I am already struggling to maintain my peace of mind during parenting time. Last custody litigation was the most stressful period of my life; we lived in constant fear, dealt with the people who we love us the most turning on us and miserable (the kids), and I also supported my husband through a heartbreaking situation in which my DH almost just decided to let the kids live with mom to avoid their pain and being constantly rejected by them.  I feel like if we are going to go through this again, we need all the peace of mind we can get!

3) How do I cope with the way this impacts the kids, especially SD10?  It is so intensely painful to see SD10's body being so affected by her stress that she is ill, and I fear for her well being over the long term.  Until now, she has come through this pretty intact, but I am not sure she will be able to do this again without major, long term consequences.  She is a quiet person, and stress comes out as physical symptoms, and I am scared for her, and also just feel so helpless that she is in such pain, and feels that she must pre tent to be someone she is not to get her mommy to love her.  This just kills me.  I truly believe her mom is doing her best, had a horrible childhood, does not want this for her daughters, but that she is so focused on projecting blame as a way of dealing with her pain that she is not able to perceive how hard this is for the girls.  Me blaming her does zero to relieve the intense feelings I have about this time for SD10.  I just really want her to be okay.  I guess this is where I am able to perceive that step parenting is parenting... .that whole thing of having no real control, loving the kids so much, wanting to protect them from pain, but having to accept what is... .ouch.  I guess that is the hard part of having kids, one I thought I had bowed out of by choosing not to have them! 

I am not at the "stepmomming when there is a BPD parent involved" 101 stage... .I have worked with therapists, read everything, talked to child psychologists and the kids' past T's, and generally worked hard to grasp all of this and come to peace with it.  So I do not need the obvious suggestions, but those gleaned from hard, long years... .

Also, part of this is that the experience of the last custody litigation was probably the most traumatizing event in my life.  I realize that makes me sort of a sissy... .but the constant fear of losing the kids, being accused of illegal things (that we did not do), coupled with the rage and violence of BPD mom and threats on our lives, was so stressful for me in ways I did not anticipate.  So I am actually partly afraid because I have trauma from last time, which creates a more black/white view of things, a story that all will be terrible, rather than seeing that 1) mom may do nothing, as she has poor executive function; 2) the outcome may be fine; 3) there may be some good that comes from this... .I just cannot see it right now.  So some hopeful comments would also help!

Thanks, peeps.

Ennie

[FamilyLaw]

Ennie,

First off, my complete sympathy for you and your DSDs.  Can I assume that DH shares 50/50 parenting time?  If so, I would think that it would be very difficult for Mom to convince the court that changing to something less than 50/50 would be in the kids' best interest unless she can prove there is something seriously bad going on in your house.  I practice in a state where 50/50 has become the default rule, so moving away from 50/50 requires something like a drug or alcohol problem, mental illness or serious domestic violence.  What the kids want is only one factor of 13 that a judge can take into consideration when determining the best interests of the child and parenting time.

That said, I know that a disordered person can cause serious disruption and damage, even when they won't get their own way. Certainly my DH's uBPDex did that to us when DSD was younger.

Is there a support group for kids of divorced parents at DSD's school?  Does she have a favorite teacher or scout leader?  Can you help her find an ally she can talk to that will understand her situation but doesn't make her feel like she is picking sides if you can't get her into therapy?

Is DSD a physical kid?  Does she play a sport or dance?  Would she be interested in learning yoga or jogging around the block before dinner when you or DH gets home from work?  Or would she be more interested in art and poetry?  Maybe having an outlet for her stress would be useful.  Do you have access to horses?  Learning to ride (and having a horse to talk to) can give a kid great self-confidence as well as a quiet space to process.

Do you have a ritual for de-stressing when you get home?  Do you set aside one day a week that is not about work (i.e. no answering email, no taking calls, no catching up on your work reading)?  Do you and DH have a ritual together that is kid and BPDmom-free?  DH and I are training to do rim to rim at the Grand Canyon in the fall, so we have been making sure we do one hike (sometimes short, sometimes long) each weekend.

Is your physical space the way you like it?  When I'm getting really stressed, I find that doing a full-out, scrub everything cleaning in the room I spend the most time in helps to create a calm place.  When I know that everything is physically in the place it belongs, I feel I am able to deal better with the stuff that can't be put in a place. 

Hope some of this helps.

[eyvindr]

God, that sucks, ennie. I'm sorry you're dealing with this. Your H and the kids are lucky to have you -- I hope you realize that.

I don't feel like I can tell you anything you don't already know, or have already considered. As the father of one son, whose mother was my uBPDxw, I can relate to what your H is feeling when he had those thoughts of just giving up and letting the kids live with their mom. When my ex and I split up, I immediately filed for primary custody, b/c I knew, my family knew, all of our friends knew -- his mother was just too unstable to provide the kind of safe, nurturing environment for raising a child. Sadly, 20 years ago when this all went down, the court system was still driven primarily by tradition and precedent -- which was that children are best raised by their mothers. No matter that I filed for custody, and complied with every corresponding court order -- a home visit by a social worker, a therapist's assessment, a personal statement -- all of which I had to pay for, since I was the filing party. His mother did nothing -- blew off the assessment, never scheduled the home visit -- and, in the end, the therapist STILL reported that he saw no indication that our son shouldn't live with his mother. She moved, at the time, 22 times in 2 years. Couldn't hold a job. Got a DUI with my son IN THE CAR. But -- clearly, in the eyes of the court, she was the more capable parent.   I won't ever forget that little lesson, believe me.

I went as far as not finalizing the divorce because I was unwilling to grant custody to her. In the end, the best I got was 50/50 -- and after years of that horrendous "agreement," all the while paying her one third of my salary in court-ordered, wage-garnished child support -- which she spent on herself (my son would routinely arrive at my place to begin his week with me dirty, wearing secondhand clothes, with a packed diaper and the most painful diaper rash I've ever seen -- and would wail at he end of every week, because he didn't want to leave me  :'( -- you think she ever considered her role in his pain? -- note that I forgave her for screwing up our marriage -- but I'll never forgive or forget the damage she did to our son, who failed all the way through school, dropped out of high school, dropped out of college, has been dx'd as bipolar, has a serious drinking problem -- I do hate her for that.) -- one day she informed me that she was being interviewed for a job that would involve a lot of travel, and wanted to see if my son could live with me -- ? -- but she didn't want to change the custody agreement. Fail. I told her no -- of course, he could live with me, but we would go to court and get it in writing. Eventually, she agreed -- the dream job never transpired, she refused to stop the child support payments for six months -- lying to me when I asked her about it, saying that she had, but they were just slow (when I finally talked to an adjudicator, she assured me that wasn't how things worked, and that my ex hadn't done a single thing she claimed she'd done) -- and then she entered a new chapter in parental neglect and child abandonment, by dropping out of my kid's life almost entirely, unless I arranged to deliver and retrieve him from her, at her convenience. 

So, I've been through the wringer there, and can relate. Three things -- one, an atty friend of mine who specializes in family law told me early on in my saga that in divorces where kids are involved, it takes on average 9 years for everything to settle out. That held true in my case. Second, if at all possible/feasible to move, do so. The best thing for me and my son in the end was to move about an hour away from his mother, which limited the amount of negative impact she could have on our lives. Lastly, listen to your gut --

Also, part of this is that the experience of the last custody litigation was probably the most traumatizing event in my life.  I realize that makes me sort of a sissy... .but the constant fear of losing the kids, being accused of illegal things (that we did not do), coupled with the rage and violence of BPD mom and threats on our lives, was so stressful for me in ways I did not anticipate.  So I am actually partly afraid because I have trauma from last time, which creates a more black/white view of things, a story that all will be terrible, rather than seeing that 1) mom may do nothing, as she has poor executive function; 2) the outcome may be fine; 3) there may be some good that comes from this... .I just cannot see it right now.  So some hopeful comments would also help!

You're not a "sissy" at all! You and your H are being yanked into a serious, real life matter by a person with a disordered mind who lives in some twisted version of reality of her own making -- yet is granted a vested interest by virtue of biological circumstances. This kind of craziness has led me to honestly believe that people should have to take classes, be tested and get a friggin' license before they're allowed to have children -- seriously, I'd vote for that. Everyone suffers because of it, especially the children, who are completely blameless and utterly defenseless. Don't expect the worst -- often, as you imply, these disordered people are more bark than bite (never no bite -- there's always some breaking of the emotional skin with them) -- but prepare for it. Get the best legal representation you can, and let them do their thing -- it is a battle, and the welfare of children is at stake. I have no mercy for the pwBPD in these cases. If the lawyer needs to argue that she's unfit, so be it. You and H need to just stay rational, and keep focused on what's important -- the welfare and safety of the kids, and the bond that you have with them -- all you can really influence is the quality of your r-ship with the kids. Hang in there, and good luck.

[Nope]

We are sort of going through a lighter version of this in my home. The BPD mom is trying to convince SD11 that she gets to pick when she's 12. Obviously that isn't actually the case but that doesn't stop the BPD from pushing her agenda at the kids. SD11 is the golden child and has no ability to say no or set boundaries with her mom. SS10 is the all bad child and just wants his mom to love and value him and thinks if he agrees with her she will.

The only thing I've found so far that helps at all is letting the kids know that even if they get asked what they want again it still won't be at all their decision. The less they feel any power in this area the better they will feel in general. The more we make them feel free to say whatever they want because there won't be consequences the less they feel stuck. It's an adult problem, the adults need to get other adult help to figure it out, and it's a problem the kids would be best to just ignore because it could be a year or two before they ever even get asked. Putting it out that far for them really seemed to help. Probably because kids think in such immediate terms.

[ennie]

Ennie,

First off, my complete sympathy for you and your DSDs.  Can I assume that DH shares 50/50 parenting time?  If so, I would think that it would be very difficult for Mom to convince the court that changing to something less than 50/50 would be in the kids' best interest unless she can prove there is something seriously bad going on in your house.  I practice in a state where 50/50 has become the default rule, so moving away from 50/50 requires something like a drug or alcohol problem, mental illness or serious domestic violence.  What the kids want is only one factor of 13 that a judge can take into consideration when determining the best interests of the child and parenting time.

Hope some of this helps.

Thanks, FamilyLaw.  I am an attorney, also, though I only do a small amount of family law, but after being with DH through two custody battles, I am pretty aware of the law and possible outcomes.  The big concern I have is the amount of stress on the family during, and the fact that in true form (just like the book Splitting indicates), BPD mom usually chooses a negative advocate attorney, who ends up filing all kinds of crazy motions and supporting BPD mom in all kinds of false allegations.  So the fact that there IS nothing terrible happening over here is irrelevant, and because the allegations are all false, we would have no idea what they are until she files the motions.  Last time grandma was accused of molestation, and this woman would be the last person anyone trained would ever think did anything like that, not to mention the fact that the alleged victim (SD10) did not think anything happened. 

As far as her likelihood of success, no matter how outrageous her accusations are, she generally shoots herself in the foot, and I think has a secret compassionate streak that makes her pull back at the last second.  She tends to do stuff like accuse grandma--which is just not that believable.  Or the night before she made a motion to change a lot of stuff about the last parenting plan that DH negotiated for (e.g., that she not be allowed to work in the school, in trade for me not being alone with the kids---both things a court would not grant, but that were important to DH and BPD wife), she got a DUI at 7 in the morning when she had the kids at home waiting for her, so could not work in the school anyway.

I would be surprised if she follows through, and if she does and we have the money, stamina, and willingness to engage in yet another legal battle, she will most likely not get more custody--though SD14 is 14 and very persuasive.  I am not really afraid of the ultimate outcome, but of the effect of the process on the kids and us. And as I get used to the idea, I am not as afraid.  I am stronger now.

As far as your other suggestions, I think they are all great.  We do a lot to de-stress, and we live in a beautiful rural environment that the kids love.  We have SD10 enrolled in sports, and she loves hiking in the forest around our home.  We have a 2 week camping trip by a lake planned for the summer, which is a great complete de-stress. 

The other thing I forget is how quickly the kids de-stress at our home.  SD10 was a wreck when I wrote after the Wed. transition--but after telling me some of the hard stuff, she cried and I validated and hugged her, and she fell asleep and woke up really happy. We have had a few other talks since then, mostly her really expressing wanting all of her parents to get along and be friends.  We were able to talk about some of the limitations there, but also I really told her I share her dream, and that I know it may be possible, but that she can hold it in her heart because SHE loves all the parents so much, that she is the one who can feel what that would feel like.  It might not happen, so not to hold it as an expectation, but if she feels that love for everyone and can imagine us all really caring about each other, that is bound to help, just her love.  That made her feel much better because it gave her permission to feel what she feels, even if it is not possible.  I also really validated her sadness about the ways it is not like that now, and encouraged her to feel that and not push it away. 

She is such a loving kid. 

Once she gets all of this off her chest, she is playing and giggling and her whole body relaxes.  It is like night and day--wed., she was sick and miserable emotionally, had missed 7 days of school... .Friday, she was and looked healthy, happy, totally excited about life and her plans for her room, sleepovers, etc.  She just lets it go.  On the phone to mom, she is back to misery, but it last 5 minutes.  So it is very validating that we really have a lot of tools to deal with what she is going through, and that is really what parenting is--helping kids learn tools to be able to deal with pain, not protecting them from it... .and learning that for ourselves along the way, with help from kids, like SD10 who is a great teacher of unconditional love and acceptance. 

So I am feeling more confident in our abilities to support SD10 in this hard time.

[ennie]

All-thanks for your great suggestions and compassion.  It means a lot.  All of your stories sound familiar; it has been almost 9 years since DH and his ex split up, almost 8 since DH and I have been together, so it has been a wild ride.

And, while we all have some trauma left over at the end of it, the truth is that as a family and as individuals there are many ways we are stronger for it.  SD10 has probably had the hardest time of it, and she is doing great at this point in her life until the last month, and also has really learned out of this that DH and I and her grandma are 100% behind her and love her no matter what, even when she throws us under the bus.  I think that is a powerful lesson for her regarding her lovability!  And it is not like we ignore it, we just let her know we get how painful it is and we love her.  and 9 times out of 10 she would not throw ANYONE under the bus, even if it cost her intense pain in her relationship with mom.  But I think she has had that kind of integrity partly because the painful times have left her knowing that mom notwithstanding, she will be loved no matter what. 

So I have a strange sort of trust that this will all be okay.  Thanks for your words.