BestVersionOfMe's Story

[Mutt]

Keep patience.

Rome wasn't built in a day.

Give her time.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[BestVersionOfMe]

Keep patience.

Rome wasn't built in a day.

Give her time.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, .  This weekend we are camping with a bunch of other families so it is a "safe" environment since putting on the perfect family show in front of others is one of her major goals.  I'm gonna focus on how I want to spend that time with the other people and most importantly my kids. 

[Mutt]

Sounds like fun  

If I may make a suggestion.

Find the time to spend time with her as well.

[BestVersionOfMe]

Sounds like fun  

If I may make a suggestion.

Find the time to spend time with her as well.

Oh we will.  She'll go into social mode and talk to anyone and everyone but also wants to be a "wife" like the other wives.  Point taken though.

[BestVersionOfMe]

Ok so this is an interesting study.  My wife two days in a row has been demanding and disrespectful via text after me offering a nice gesture about getting out of the house.  The first one I posted about yesterday.  The latest one was better but troubling.

Me, "I have one more call at 5:30, so I'll be home right after if you want to get out or go to visit your friends."

Her, "Remember I have a track meeting tonight, please right it down."  She already knows I know about the track meeting so maybe this is just paranoia, not a huge deal.

Her, "And you have to volunteer your own time in track and field for the kids, I'm not doing it all this time."  Ok kind of b___y and selfish and unneccessary. 

Her, "Before I forget please send thank you to your sister for our son's bday gifts she sent."  She has an imaginary feud with every member of my family of course, but it is a simple email or text or FB note, and she is perfectly capable of doing it herself.  I'm thinking about just telling her she is perfectly capable and that she can do that while I'm working. 

Thoughts?

[BestVersionOfMe]

Ok so this is an interesting study.  My wife two days in a row has been demanding and disrespectful via text after me offering a nice gesture about getting out of the house.  The first one I posted about yesterday.  The latest one was better but troubling.

Me, "I have one more call at 5:30, so I'll be home right after if you want to get out or go to visit your friends."

Her, "Remember I have a track meeting tonight, please right it down."  She already knows I know about the track meeting so maybe this is just paranoia, not a huge deal.

Her, "And you have to volunteer your own time in track and field for the kids, I'm not doing it all this time."  Ok kind of b___y and selfish and unneccessary. 

Her, "Before I forget please send thank you to your sister for our son's bday gifts she sent."  She has an imaginary feud with every member of my family of course, but it is a simple email or text or FB note, and she is perfectly capable of doing it herself.  I'm thinking about just telling her she is perfectly capable and that she can do that while I'm working. 

Thoughts?

I responded that I was too busy working, to text my sister, and that I'd handle my own volunteering for track.  Her response? 

Priceless response.

"I'm  not texting your sister, kids can send her a thank you.  And for that matter I am Never stepping foot near your parents, seeing or speaking to them again.  Just so we know where we stand.  I'm not going to hide that from the kids either.  See u at 6, our son hasn't touched his homework so I'm sure that will be waiting for you later.  I'll feed them."

I almost can't believe this is real anymore. 

[BestVersionOfMe]

Her, "Next time you wake up the kids, can you make sure you wake up the little one too." 

Me, "No response."

Her, to oldest daughter, ":)o you mind waking up the little one so she can come down for breakfast?"

Me, nod to oldest to proceed.

Point is, the way my wife phrased the request and the tone was disrespectful.  I call it setting false boundaries on her part.  I wake the kids up each day and sometimes I wake up all of them and sometimes just the two oldest.  My wife was trying to project control over me by saying "next time" as if I was being scolded or that she had repeatedly had to remind me to do the same thing.  She uses the "next time" ploy a lot.  It is a brilliantly snarky way to pretend she is managing me rather than working with me.  It is along the same lines as "Somebody needs to ... ." or "I'll have you do this ... ."  It is flat out controlling and disrespectful and YES I'll make being respectful my Alamo.  I'm taking a stand.  Being respectful or take a hike. 

[BestVersionOfMe]

I'd like my thread moved to "Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner".  Thanks! 

[BestVersionOfMe]

So I know this is more of a long term goal rather than short term, but have any of you that have decided to stay with your BPDs eventually get to a place where there was consistent sex and intimacy?  I'm convinced my wife withhold's sex for reasons of control but also because she wants to "win" at all costs and giving me sex isn't a win/win in her book.  I think this is all subconscious because if you ask her, she just says she doesn't "feel like it with how she feels about me."  I've read tons of stories where sex with BPDs can be wild or "porn star" quality.  While I won't say it was like that, it was very satisfying for quite a few years until we started having children.  Even when we do every now and again it is still rather enthusiastic and passionate.  I knew nothing about validation and getting off the roller coaster so I'm hoping that at some point my wife won't paint me as "all bad".  I guess time will tell.

[BestVersionOfMe]

Wife must have been triggered.  Two lengthy awful texts about everything but the kitchen sink.  Threats of divorce, taking half of my money, dating others that she respects, etc.  My only response to the entire thing was "I'm not going anywhere, I love you and I'm here for you."  Then she raged some more.  The texts were kind of incoherent referencing my fragile insecurities but also my massive ego.  They also referenced my years of abuse and threats and she sent me one threat after another.  It is the BPD talking.  I ignored the rest of it because you know what?  I don't have to react to any of this.  It is about her not me, so why bother you know?

[BestVersionOfMe]

By the way, my wife doesn't show one ounce of neediness ever.  She is pure withdrawn.  I think she is trying to wreck the relationship to the point where I leave so that she can do the final "blame" on me for the whole thing.  I told her I'm not going anywhere and she is free to divorce me if need be.  All talk baby, all talk. 

[BestVersionOfMe]

Wife has been a complete b___ last couple of days.  I got a Vday gift for her which was a card and two bottles of wine.  I came home today and it was upside down with the card and bow to the side.  She's been so cold and withdrawn.  It is very hard for me.  I feel like telling her to "eff off" and get the "eff out" and that the kids and I don't need you and your bull drama.  Sorry just had to vent.  I'm not doing that, but the maturity level of this woman is more like my 4 year old than a 39 year old.  Very frustrated.

[BestVersionOfMe]

Wife has been a complete b___ last couple of days.  I got a Vday gift for her which was a card and two bottles of wine.  I came home today and it was upside down with the card and bow to the side.  She's been so cold and withdrawn.  It is very hard for me.  I feel like telling her to "eff off" and get the "eff out" and that the kids and I don't need you and your bull drama.  Sorry just had to vent.  I'm not doing that, but the maturity level of this woman is more like my 4 year old than a 39 year old.  Very frustrated.

She appears to be ratcheting up the level of intensity of her attitude.  Not even a common courtesy of getting me a card for Valentines at all.  I'm angry.  Very angry.  It is so hard to remain calm when someone is this much of a b___ all the time.  I honestly think she is going to up the contempt up to new levels to push me to the breaking point to where I'll finally file for divorce so she can then proudly proclaim that she is a victim and to save face with all of her friends.  At this point I want her to get the ___ out of here and let the kids and I live a happy normal life.  Yes my contempt is off the charts right now but I must be strong because her mood shouldn't effect mine.  I MUST be happy and live for me. 

[thepenguin]

Wife has been a complete b___ last couple of days.  I got a Vday gift for her which was a card and two bottles of wine.  I came home today and it was upside down with the card and bow to the side.  She's been so cold and withdrawn.  It is very hard for me.  I feel like telling her to "eff off" and get the "eff out" and that the kids and I don't need you and your bull drama.  Sorry just had to vent.  I'm not doing that, but the maturity level of this woman is more like my 4 year old than a 39 year old.  Very frustrated.

She appears to be ratcheting up the level of intensity of her attitude.  Not even a common courtesy of getting me a card for Valentines at all.  I'm angry.  Very angry.  It is so hard to remain calm when someone is this much of a b___ all the time.  I honestly think she is going to up the contempt up to new levels to push me to the breaking point to where I'll finally file for divorce so she can then proudly proclaim that she is a victim and to save face with all of her friends.  At this point I want her to get the out of here and let the kids and I live a happy normal life.  Yes my contempt is off the charts right now but I must be strong because her mood shouldn't effect mine.  I MUST be happy and live for me. 

Have you figured out your limits yet? Your real limits where if condition X is breached that you pull the ripcord?

[BestVersionOfMe]

Wife has been a complete b___ last couple of days.  I got a Vday gift for her which was a card and two bottles of wine.  I came home today and it was upside down with the card and bow to the side.  She's been so cold and withdrawn.  It is very hard for me.  I feel like telling her to "eff off" and get the "eff out" and that the kids and I don't need you and your bull drama.  Sorry just had to vent.  I'm not doing that, but the maturity level of this woman is more like my 4 year old than a 39 year old.  Very frustrated.

She appears to be ratcheting up the level of intensity of her attitude.  Not even a common courtesy of getting me a card for Valentines at all.  I'm angry.  Very angry.  It is so hard to remain calm when someone is this much of a b___ all the time.  I honestly think she is going to up the contempt up to new levels to push me to the breaking point to where I'll finally file for divorce so she can then proudly proclaim that she is a victim and to save face with all of her friends.  At this point I want her to get the out of here and let the kids and I live a happy normal life.  Yes my contempt is off the charts right now but I must be strong because her mood shouldn't effect mine.  I MUST be happy and live for me.  

Have you figured out your limits yet? Your real limits where if condition X is breached that you pull the ripcord?

I put 3-6 months to make sure I'm doing what I need to do to feel comfortable that I "did everything I could."  I'm not remotely there yet.  I've blamed her for 3 1/2 years straight and done very little to change myself.  That stopped two weeks ago or so and I'm making massive changes at this point with my life coach.  I'm not strong enough yet anyways.  As far as limits go, infidelity is one for sure.  

[BestVersionOfMe]

Ok so last night I planned a hike with a buddy of mine at 10 am and I told my wife of these plans.  She has had a history of going on long runs and then coming back later than she planned and then playing dumb by saying things like, "Well I'm 3 miles away and I just simply can't get back in time."  I reminded her that I needed to leave the house by 9:50 to meet my friend.  She said, "Well I'm going for two hours and I told you I wasn't going to get up early so I'll be back to the house around 10 or 10:05.  If you have a problem with that then you can call and get sitters or call my parents to watch them."  I responded, "I told you last night what my plans were and that isn't fair to me or my friend so I need you to be back by 9:50."  She said in front of the kids, "Well I told you to leave the house so and you didn't."  I can only imagine she is trying to pretend that I didn't respect her boundary of moving out of the house as some kind of a correlary.  Her voice was raised at this point.  I said, "Please don't speak to me like that, especially in front of the kids and reminded her of my plans to leave at 9:50.  She went for her run slamming the door and then sent me a text saying "I'll be back in two hours like I told you last night(she didn't tell me that last night at all).  If you have a problem with that you can call a sitter or my parents."  I responded, "I can see that you think you don't need to respect my boundaries and plans that I clearly set last night.  I feel very angry about it.  It isn't fair to me or my friend.  I'd like you to come back at 9:50 as I asked.  I also think that if we have differences that you don't raise your voice in front of the kids and make references to asking me to leave the house which is unrelated to me going on a hike.  Please keep the kids out of it."  No response as of this moment.

Will she come back at 9:50?  Don't know.  This is a pure control issue and one that is a defining moment for me and my strength.  I'm angry.  Very angry.  She couldn't come back 10 mins early from her run?  Really?  Is she that immature and sick and twisted that she feels the need to push this boundary?  I sometimes feel like I'm in the twilight zone and I look at other couples in our group of friends and I can't imagine them EVER having a discussion about something like this.  This whole thing is stupid, but has to be done so that she learns she doesn't get to steamroll me.  I haven't quite figured out what I'm going to do or say if she doesn't respect my boundary yet.  I guess I will cross that bridge when I get there.