My sex life with my ex was two different worlds.

[Jack2727]

My sex life with my ex was two different worlds.

We met on a dating site and skyped long distance before actually meeting face to face. We had skype sex several times before even meeting face to face.

When I met her, we almost had sex during the first week I was there. It's funny because we have a very hot and heavy passionate session. I think it triggered something because I remember her going into the bathroom and crying.

Our relationship was never the same after that. She never wanted to become intimately close. She kept making me wait. She didn't like to cuddle or make out.

The few times we did have sex she used to give me a hard time for being expressive. Sex with my ex was very impersonal. The thing is that she was really good when she did do it, which in part added more to my frustration.

One of the things that stings the most now was how patient I was. Before we met, she'd tell me all the things we would do together sexually. Take showers together, etc. I waited and that stuff never happened.

[hurting300]

My ex was different, she would do anything in bed. But she would not passionately kiss me or be romantic with me... she was cold in that way.

[charred]

Hope I am wrong... but here goes. I think pwBPD are big on fantasy, and at odds with reality... and needy, very needy. Emotionally stunted, it is common for them to get what they need, via sex, and for it to be very tailored to what they believe your fantasy is. Basically like cold reading, they pick up on what you would like and are playing a part.

If you are falling in love and genuinely feeling everything... .well that may make one of you. The closer they come to actually caring and getting attached, the more their disorder kicks in, and the less they are inclined to play to your fantasy. When they are clingy they might, but it is different than when they were idealizing, mirroring and getting you hooked. Noticed that after a number of recycles... the sex changed a lot... it was completely for effect... felt like a con man was watching to see if I was buying it. Once I realized that sex was not an expression of love between two adults that cared for each other... .or even a recreational good time agreed to by both parties, but was a despised act done while acting, to temporarily quell a disordered person's neediness... I started getting put off by her advances. Felt like I was under a microscope... with her doing her best to close a sale... .and after a while it became clear that she was rarely acquainted with the truth.

And yes, after sex the first few wild times... she was crying, and acting like she was ashamed... while I was stupidly happy and thinking she was the one for me.

[Ghost733]

I think one of the reasons I still come to this forum is that I find BPDs extremely interesting from both a psychological and an artistic perspective.  I was fascinated and disappointed especially by my ex's relationship to sex.

First, she had a lot of it.  She was what boys on a soccer field might call easy.  Sex was recreational for her.  She'd have sex with someone and be just friends after (until she freaked out on them, as she eventually did to all her "friends".  Some of the people I found out she had sex with made me want to vomit.  She had guys trying to bed her constantly on social media.

She would not really kiss me.  We never sat on a couch watching tv and kiss - I think kissing was a part of her traumatic experience(s) that formed her condition.  Never really hugged either, now that I think of it.  Every other gf I had prior to her would hug me and I would feel warm and loved.

One time we did have sex and after she started crying and laughing.  It was a big emotional release that was actually really beautiful.  I held her and told her it was alright and that she was my little girl.  She responded with a chuckle through tears: "I don't want sex to mean something."  It felt like a breakthrough.

I think we all had brief moments like those that were so clear and beautiful.  I hope they can remember and cherish them like we do.

[myself]

I've read many times that up to two thirds of those diagnosed with BPD claim to have been sexually abused as children, which would play a big part in how they deal with sex (and intimate relationships in general) later in life.

[HappyNihilist]

My exBPDbf is probably a certifiable sex addict, but he has some serious Madonna-whore complex issues (ah, splitting) that complicate sex in a long-term relationship. So, the closer we got, the weirder he got about sex.

Also, pwBPD often use sex as a means of manipulation and control, whether consciously or not.

[jammo1989]

If your ex had HPD traits like mine the sex was based solely for show, the more kinkier or dirty it was, was based on one thing and one thing only ATTENTION, I have red many HPD views on sex and they have all been open and explained exactly why the sex is a lot more intense than that from a NON, and it goes just like this:

We are not having sex with you, we are having sex at you, you are merely our audience and we take the center stage.

This is why some (not all) let us do what we please with them, they are fulfilling the role of the actress, this is also the reason why a lot of the nympho types let us video them doing the most degrading things, its basically all eyes on me, im the star of the show, and to do that I have to give him what he wants in order to get his full attention.  I can truly say that, after I came out of the FOG I soon realized who I was becoming.  For example, she always wanted to role play, she would call me master and she would do exactly what I told her, and yes a lot of it would have been seen as truly degrading towards her.

But this is what some of you guys need to realize, the sex isn't a means of pleasure to them, it is just a bonus, the pleasure they get from sex is solely down to being the center of our attention.  Yes this is more on the HPD side of things, but, the ones that do the most degrading things to please us is more HPD rather than BPD.  So if you have had experience with this kind of woman the hardest thing to pull away from is the addiction of having the most incredible sex, but what you ALL need to understand is this

THE SEX WAS AND WILL NEVER BE ABOUT FUFILLING YOUR NEEDS, it is solely a one end street, so I strongly suggest if any of you guys are stilll addicted to the wild sex, think with your head and not your balls, because remember, attention is what they crave not the orgasm that it leads to at the end of it.         

[Maternus]

My sex life with my ex was two different worlds.

(... .)

When I met her, we almost had sex during the first week I was there. It's funny because we have a very hot and heavy passionate session. I think it triggered something because I remember her going into the bathroom and crying.

Our relationship was never the same after that. She never wanted to become intimately close. She kept making me wait. She didn't like to cuddle or make out.

(... .)

Before we met, she'd tell me all the things we would do together sexually. Take showers together, etc. I waited and that stuff never happened.

That sounds pretty familiar. Mine did all those things, too. Hot sex in the beginning, lot's of promises, crying after sex and in the end sex was just a tool to control me. And the few times we had sex in the end of the relationship were the only times we had physical contact in that phase.

[BorisAcusio]

My sex life with my ex was two different worlds.

(... .)

When I met her, we almost had sex during the first week I was there. It's funny because we have a very hot and heavy passionate session. I think it triggered something because I remember her going into the bathroom and crying.

Our relationship was never the same after that. She never wanted to become intimately close. She kept making me wait. She didn't like to cuddle or make out.

(... .)

Before we met, she'd tell me all the things we would do together sexually. Take showers together, etc. I waited and that stuff never happened.

That sounds pretty familiar. Mine did all those things, too. Hot sex in the beginning, lot's of promises, crying after sex and in the end sex was just a tool to control me. And the few times we had sex in the end of the relationship were the only times we had physical contact in that phase.

It seems like a common theme here. We, too, went from porn quality sex to completely sexless in our last recycle, even kissing was out of limit. Actually, both of us became uninterested.

[downwhim]

I would say that sex in the beginning was one of our main draws to one another. It wasn't kinky like some of you have explained but in my opinion it was great. He as into pleasing me and whether or not he was acting looking back I don't care. It was fun.

After we got engaged he pretty much stopped all affection, intimacy, and sex. Strange how the closer you get the more they change color.

[HappyNihilist]

I've read many times that up to two thirds of those diagnosed with BPD claim to have been sexually abused as children, which would play a big part in how they deal with sex (and intimate relationships in general) later in life.

This is a very good point, songbook.

One sample study of dBPD in treatment found that 68% reported childhood sexual abuse. (71% reported childhood physical abuse, and 62% witnessed domestic violence as children.) That alone causes deep wounds that affect how they deal with intimacy and sex. Add that on top of the emotional chaos that is BPD, and... .well... .

It seems like a common theme here. We, too, went from porn quality sex to completely sexless in our last recycle, even kissing was out of limit. Actually, both of us became uninterested.

My exBPDbf's long-term relationships usually ended up sexless, and I could see us heading that way.

Guys and gals alike, rest assured that there are plenty of non-Cluster Bs out there capable of sex that is intense, porn quality, degrading, all sorts of fun things. But that level can't be sustained constantly. In healthy relationships, that kind of sex is just part of the overall intimacy package -- one "tool" in the toolbox -- which includes a variety of things (sexual and nonsexual), to keep a sustainable balance.

In disordered relationships, it becomes "all or nothing" -- like most things in the BPD life. And, without the ability to sustain true intimacy, a pwBPD can't compensate with other "tools."

[Maternus]

Actually, both of us became uninterested.

When I fell in love with my ex I was not much interested in sex with her. She was a beautiful girl, but not really my type of girl in sexual terms. She was very tall and slender - 2 inches taller than me. She often said to me in the beginning, when we talked the whole night through in her kitchen: "I think you love this (talking all night) more than that (she pointed into the direction of her bedroom.)" I think, she was right. Sex in the beginning was good, but it was more the (fake?) intensity, not so much the physical attraction, that made it good. When the intensity became routine, sex with her became more and more unimportant to me. When she left me for my replacement I was never jealous because of sex, I was jealous because of the love bombing and idealisation.    

[Jack2727]

She made me feel like there was something wrong with me because I wanted to have sex with her. In the early stages of the relationship she said if you wait to lets say September, I'll be ready to do it. There was excuse and delay one after the other. It wasn't until I threatened her about leaving in August that she finally decided to do it with me. But it was never like she actually wanted to do it.

Now, I know I am a good-looking guy. I have never had these issues before this relationship. She even told me that she was attracted to me. But I felt like a starving man in the desert without water. When she would give me a little taste I was starving. And she would give me a hard time because of how passionate I was.

My ex was very attractive and had a nice body. Imagine dating someone who you are very attracted to and not being able to share passion with her? HELL!

I felt like the whole relationship I was being punished for the first week when I was there when we almost had sex. It seemed like the whole relationship she had this vision or image of how she wanted things to be. Because in the heat of the moment we almost had sex she seemed to be opposed to letting herself go again.

But she also said that she had the same issues with guys she had dated before me. She had sex with only (4) guys including myself. The other guys just didnt stick around because she would do the same stuff. i.e, no cuddling, sleeping on the couch, blue balling.

I think out of all the things, the rejection I got from being turned down sexually is the thing that stings the most. I know its cyclical and I know she will magically become sexual with my replacement.

I guess my hope is when I get through this I can develop a healthy relationship with the next woman I date.

[Technique]

I never once felt 'connected' to mine during sex once. It was as if she was in a daze.

These people have sex for the wrong reasons. To hook, to keep and then to control.

When we first met sex was the typical intense type, which usually develops into more inimate love interactions.

She was as cold on day one as she was on day 182 as she was on day 250. The only thing that changed was that the more she knew she 'had' me the less interested she was in having sex. All part of their 'need' and 'power' game.

All the signs were there... but I chose to ignore them... Idiot

[Loveofhislife]

But this is what some of you guys need to realize, the sex isn't a means of pleasure to them, it is just a bonus, the pleasure they get from sex is solely down to being the center of our attention... .So if you have had experience with this kind of woman the hardest thing to pull away from is the addiction of having the most incredible sex, but what you ALL need to understand is this

THE SEX WAS AND WILL NEVER BE ABOUT FUFILLING YOUR NEEDS, it is solely a one end street, so I strongly suggest if any of you guys are stilll addicted to the wild sex, think with your head and not your balls, because remember, attention is what they crave not the orgasm that it leads to at the end of it.         

Jammo--in my opinion, this is the most fair and reasoned explanation of this subject that I've read in my 9 months on this site. Sex is another tool for manipulation and control used especially in mirroring and idealization.

Of the many red flags I did not see, I saw this one clearly from the get-go. Even after a 3-year sentence in federal prison, 4 marriages, and countless relationships--my BPD/waif played the roll of the 47 year old virgin. I was incredulous--I had been in a committed 30-year relationship (25 years married to one man). He talked to me as if I was some experienced hooker compared to him. Said his last wife didn't want sex due to psychotropic drugs.

After the end of the relationship, I learned he was active on Adult Friend Finder.com the entire time we were together and committed. His profile was scarring. Lord only knows what he was doing with others as he talked about me as if I were the Madame of our suburban neighborhood.

What was that about? TALK ABOUT TWO DIFFERENT WORLDS!

PS--in my case, the sex always felt like a forced performance. He was a better actor than a lover.

[jammo1989]

But this is what some of you guys need to realize, the sex isn't a means of pleasure to them, it is just a bonus, the pleasure they get from sex is solely down to being the center of our attention... .So if you have had experience with this kind of woman the hardest thing to pull away from is the addiction of having the most incredible sex, but what you ALL need to understand is this

THE SEX WAS AND WILL NEVER BE ABOUT FUFILLING YOUR NEEDS, it is solely a one end street, so I strongly suggest if any of you guys are stilll addicted to the wild sex, think with your head and not your balls, because remember, attention is what they crave not the orgasm that it leads to at the end of it.         

Jammo--in my opinion, this is the most fair and reasoned explanation of this subject that I've read in my 9 months on this site. Sex is another tool for manipulation and control used especially in mirroring and idealization.

Of the many red flags I did not see, I saw this one clearly from the get-go. Even after a 3-year sentence in federal prison, 4 marriages, and countless relationships--my BPD/waif played the roll of the 47 year old virgin. I was incredulous--I had been in a committed 30-year relationship (25 years married to one man). He talked to me as if I was some experienced hooker compared to him. Said his last wife didn't want sex due to psychotropic drugs.

After the end of the relationship, I learned he was active on Adult Friend Finder.com the entire time we were together and committed. His profile was scarring. Lord only knows what he was doing with others as he talked about me as if I were the Madame of our suburban neighborhood.

What was that about? TALK ABOUT TWO DIFFERENT WORLDS!

PS--in my case, the sex always felt like a forced performance. He was a better actor than a lover.

Thank you for the compliment regarding my earlier post, each of our exes share different sub traits, but mine personally was HPD rather than BPD, and after reading a lot into the behavior, what I wrote earlier about the playing the role of an actor for the means of all eyes on me came up a lot when HPDs were asked the same question.  The same can be said about the drama they create, it is solely a means of directing the attention back on to them.  For example, Baiting. 

[jhkbuzz]

Hope I am wrong... but here goes. I think pwBPD are big on fantasy, and at odds with reality... and needy, very needy. Emotionally stunted, it is common for them to get what they need, via sex, and for it to be very tailored to what they believe your fantasy is.

My ex actually told me this... .that the beginning of a r/s is very much a 'fantasy' for her - and she sort of compulsively plays out the fantasy.  That's what was happening when she began cheating on me.  When she described it to me she was disturbed by it - she could see how really ___ed up it was.

Sadly, I recently realized that ^ must have been the case when we met, too. She picked up on the fact that I have integrity, that I only sleep with women I'm in love with, that I believe in commitment... .so we waited.  But she was ready to go from the start... .she only waited because it was what I wanted.