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Author Topic: just diagnosed, not taking it well  (Read 414 times)
eileen11

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« on: January 31, 2015, 12:21:07 PM »

Hi, My 20 year old daughter was diagnosed 3 days ago with BPD, she has been in bed since and wont get up.  We are really struggling with how to support her as we only found out about BPD ourselves 3 days ago, and could be a year and a half before she gets onto a DBT programme. Any suggestions on how to support very welcome

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Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders
Kwamina
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« Reply #1 on: January 31, 2015, 01:00:35 PM »

Hi eileen11

I am sorry to hear you're daughter has just been diagnosed with BPD. This is a challenging disorder and getting this diagnosis can be quite overwhelming. Has your daughter said anything to you about how she feels about her diagnosis? Do you feel like she acknowledges that there might be something wrong with her behavior as a result of certain mental and emotional problems?

Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) has been proven to be effective for many people who have BPD. I hope your daughter will be able to get DBT. It's unfortunate that you think it could take so long before your daughter gets DBT. In the meantime there are also some other resources you can explore that can help your daughter. There is a website called DBT Self Help which is a service for people who are seeking information about DBT. The unique thing about that site is that it was written primarily by people who have been through DBT themselves and not by DBT professionals. DBT Self Help offers information and advice, here is a link to the site: DBT Self Help

I also suggest you take a look at the resources to the right of this message board. I think the tools and lessons there can be very insightful and helpful to you as you try to figure out how best to deal with this situation. To help you communicate with your daughter, it might help to take a look at some of the communication techniques described here such as validation and S.E.T. which stands for Support, Empathy and Truth.
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Oh, give me liberty! For even were paradise my prison, still I should long to leap the crystal walls.
Mama-san

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« Reply #2 on: January 31, 2015, 09:48:21 PM »

Hi Eileen11,

What a blow your family has received.  You have my empathy.  You also have my encouragement.

You have made a very important move by seeking support and information. Good for you.  We have been dealing with the BPD diagnosis (officially) for several years and still learning, still needing support. 

One of the best things you can do for your precious daughter is to be supportive of her by becoming very educated not only about the illness but also about the skills you will need.  I also encourage you, her parents, to practice good self care as at times BPD can be exhausting for all.  The NEA-BPD offers a class called Family Connections which I highly recommend for parents. 

While you are waiting for the DBT program you may have luck with other resources.  DBT is very limited in our area but our local non-profit mental health clinic offers an excellent low-cost DBT program.  CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) is also helpful and more available. 

One of the things our dd says often is she feels nobody listens/understands/wants to hear.  Learning a few of the validation skills will help you listen to your dear dd in a way she will feel heard.  Practice loads of patience. 

This is all fresh and painful and scary.  Yes, BPD is a difficult disorder AND people can get better. 

Wishing you the best.
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eileen11

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« Reply #3 on: February 01, 2015, 08:39:24 AM »

Thanks for the advice. We are reading up as much as possible.  But at a complete loss as to know what to do.  My daughter wont talk to us, if we put our heads into her room to say we love her, or are here for her we get told to xxxx off or that she doesn't care.  She just sent me a text message saying that in case we think otherwise she is not going to see the psychiatrist tomorrow (public health system) and she will not be accepting help from anyone else and that someday soon she will be gone and it would be a lot easier if we stopped caring so much.

What should we do in this type of situation?  At present I haven't replies to her text, I feel like I am being tortured.  Do we just leave her vegetate in her room? Do we never leave her alone in the house? 

There are only two DBT programmes run in a country of 6 million and no support groups at present unless you family member is on the DBT programme, your only hope of getting a place when one becomes available is if you are still self harming or are suicidal.

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Mama-san

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« Reply #4 on: February 05, 2015, 08:40:04 PM »

Dear Eileen11,

I just read your post from a few days ago where your dd said she 'will be gone'.  This is a red flag for self harming and or suicide.  As a fellow parent I encourage you to follow your mother's gut feeling and do not dismiss any concern you may have.  Don't be afraid to ask the tough questions- are you feeling so badly that you don't want to be here anymore? are you feeling so hopeless you want to give up? end the pain? etc.  Our dd has had multiple attempts and she has explained that it helps her to know someone can hear her without 'freaking out'. 

QPR is a good method: Question: do you feel like hurting yourself? Persuade: talk them into accepting help or get someone else to do the talking.  try to get them to acknowledge they need to be safe.  Refer: take them or get someone else to take them to get help.

There have been times when our dd has thrown out the 's' word, suicide, out of despondency, not out of desire to hurt herself.

I can see how you are feeling tortured.  I guarantee your dd is as scared, lost and confused as you.  There is nothing easy or pleasant about BPD.

What to do?  I can only tell you what has worked for me in the past when our dd isolates.  I try to use humor, so for instance if she said f***ing go away I would persist with 'Hmm.  How does one do that? Is it similar to a mother f***ing go away? or more of a f***ing ___hole go away?  Can you come show me how this is done?'  Do not let a little bit of verbal vomit put you off.  If you are not the type to use humor then I have used the phrase "I am going to call the police to come in for a well person check."  Then do it.

Ditto your complaints about the lack of proper mental health care!

My goodness!  Sending you so many good vibes for your family

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eileen11

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« Reply #5 on: February 07, 2015, 12:43:02 PM »

Dear Mama-san

Thank you for that, it is all very sound and practical advice, which is what we really need.  Things since my last post have not been great.  My daughter has been in hospital for the last five days with a nurse beside her 24/7.   The little speck of light at the end of the tunnel is our hope that she will agree to go to a private mental health hospital for 6 to 8 weeks where they run specialised programmes.   
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Kwamina
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« Reply #6 on: February 08, 2015, 09:20:56 AM »

Hi again eileen11

Things since my last post have not been great.  My daughter has been in hospital for the last five days with a nurse beside her 24/7.   The little speck of light at the end of the tunnel is our hope that she will agree to go to a private mental health hospital for 6 to 8 weeks where they run specialised programmes.    

The last time you were here you said your daughter wouldn't get out of bed after getting the BPD diagnosis. You say she's has been in hospital for 5 days now with a nurse present 24/7. This sounds very concerning. What happened? Did your daughter try to harm herself or threaten to do so?
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Oh, give me liberty! For even were paradise my prison, still I should long to leap the crystal walls.
eileen11

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Posts: 8


« Reply #7 on: February 09, 2015, 04:45:13 AM »

Hi Kwamina

She had an appointment with the psychiatrist last Monday and said would go to it.   However when we got home, she wanted to take the car to visit a family friend,  as she had taken the car the previous week, drunk vodka and attempted to take her life, I said she couldn't have the car but would drop her.  She flew into a rage, grabbed all purpose cleaner fluid and stormed out of the house in the direction of the woods.  Between myself, my husband, neighbours and police we found her, she had taken a box of sinus tablets and had a noose around her neck it was tight and she was straining against it.  So she is still in hospital on 24/7 watch. 
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Kwamina
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« Reply #8 on: February 09, 2015, 06:36:17 AM »

I can only imagine how hard it must have been for you to find your daughter like that. Fortunately you were able to find her in time though. It's a very difficult and sad aspect of BPD that some people with this disorder have suicidal tendencies and sometimes act on them. Considering what happened it is a good thing that she is being watched 24/7 now. I too hope that she will get some specialized treatment after that to get the suicidal ideation under control. How is she doing now? And how are you coping yourself in this difficult and stressful time?

Take care
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Oh, give me liberty! For even were paradise my prison, still I should long to leap the crystal walls.
Mama-san

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Relationship status: Married
Posts: 23



« Reply #9 on: February 10, 2015, 09:06:39 AM »

Dear Eileen11

It is good that your DD has received help and has been safe in-patient.

Has she agreed to go into the program?

This can be a critical juncture for your family, a time of great stress.  I have found over our many years of repeatedly being in that awful place of tension I must take extra care of myself.  I hope you are finding space to feed your spirit, finding a place of calm, whatever it takes to give yourself an emotional and mental reprieve. 

May your DD heal and take the opportunity offered.
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