I broke her heart by being honest

[dan78]

I dont know how to handle what happened last night.  When I came home from work last night, my gf (BPD) greeted me at the door all excited to give me a present she had bought. She was overwhelming, barely let me in the door before she was thrusting the bag in my hand and practically begging for my attention. I had been in a "romantic" mood all day and my gf and I had been exchanging flirty texts all day but, to be honest, her greeting turned me off.  

Later, when we went to bed she playfully tried to initiate sex but I wasnt feeling it at  all so I told her to just go to bed. She started crying and accused me of not wanting her, not loving her... .she wouldnt let it go. She kept saying that this is why she rarely initiates sex because she cant handle me rejecting her and that she never ever turns me down, even when she doesnt really  feel like it because shed never reject me.Finally I got angry and told her that it turned me off how she greeted me at the door like one of the dogs and that she needs to stop living her life for me and catering to me all the time. I told her to get a backbone. I was harsh and she wound up crying herself to sleep.  I feel really bad that I hurt her but Ive  been feeling this way for a while.  I fell in love with a strong, spunky, independant smart ass of a woman but since shes moved in with me shes become dependent,  needy of my attention, emotional,  nervous... .she caters to me more than is normal,  is overly solicitous,  is always trying to please me even at her own expense... .I cant walk away from her without a "baby? Where are you going?" In a whiny little girl voice. It's sometimes hard to find her sexually appealing when she acts this way.

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[Tim300]

Have you had this problem before in relationships? 

It sounds like she likes you but you're just not that in to her.  Growing more dependent on your SO seems like a natural, healthy progression to me in a relationship,  but perhaps I'm misguided.

[Notwendy]

"I had been in a "romantic" mood all day and my gf and I had been exchanging flirty texts all day but, to be honest, her greeting turned me off. "


So, you were in a romantic mood, sent her flirty texts, and she was excited to see you when you came home?

How did you think she was going to feel when she saw you after thinking about a romantic time with you all day from reading your texts? How could she not assume you'd be in the mood?

Ok, I understand that her greeting turned you off, and then you were not in the mood. At what point do you think she knew that, and did she even know why? Or was she thinking all evening that you were feeling how you felt when you sent her flirty texts all day?

So, you come to bed, and she's still thinking you are in that flirty text mood and she's in the mood too. Then you say no. Yes, I understand you are being honest, and you're not into it... .but what kind of mixed signals are you sending when you send flirty texts all day and then change your mind? Yes, you can change your mind, but did you let her know that before she was in a vulnerable situation?

You were honest with her now,  and now, be honest with yourself. Seems like her behavior turns you off, yet less than 24 hours ago, you were sending flirty texts.

You might be thinking that I'm getting all over you, but as I think about it, if a man sent me flirty texts all day, and I was really happy to see him, and then he had changed his mind, but I didn't know, then I'd be disappointed too. But what I'd want most of all is for him to be honest with me. If he's not into me, I do want to know, because it is not a happy situation to be with someone who isn't into me. I would rather someone break up with me than to be with me and not want to.

[dan78]

Have you had this problem before in relationships? 

It sounds like she likes you but you're just not that in to her.  Growing more dependent on your SO seems like a natural, healthy progression to me in a relationship,  but perhaps I'm misguided.

Im into her. I love her. I do want to be with her... .but I miss the fun, funny, tough woman she seemed to be before  she moved in. The neediness isnt sexy... .its almost sad. I wish she felt more confident.

[dan78]

"I had been in a "romantic" mood all day and my gf and I had been exchanging flirty texts all day but, to be honest, her greeting turned me off. "


So, you were in a romantic mood, sent her flirty texts, and she was excited to see you when you came home?

How did you think she was going to feel when she saw you after thinking about a romantic time with you all day from reading your texts? How could she not assume you'd be in the mood?

Ok, I understand that her greeting turned you off, and then you were not in the mood. At what point do you think she knew that, and did she even know why? Or was she thinking all evening that you were feeling how you felt when you sent her flirty texts all day?

So, you come to bed, and she's still thinking you are in that flirty text mood and she's in the mood too. Then you say no. Yes, I understand you are being honest, and you're not into it... .but what kind of mixed signals are you sending when you send flirty texts all day and then change your mind? Yes, you can change your mind, but did you let her know that before she was in a vulnerable situation?

You were honest with her now,  and now, be honest with yourself. Seems like her behavior turns you off, yet less than 24 hours ago, you were sending flirty texts.

You might be thinking that I'm getting all over you, but as I think about it, if a man sent me flirty texts all day, and I was really happy to see him, and then he had changed his mind, but I didn't know, then I'd be disappointed too. But what I'd want most of all is for him to be honest with me. If he's not into me, I do want to know, because it is not a happy situation to be with someone who isn't into me. I would rather someone break up with me than to be with me and not want to.

Yeah I get your point and I dont blame her for being disappointed but her reaction seemed really over the top.  I realize I was a jerk to her, I worded things poorly and I didnt make myself clear beforehand. I did apologize to her this morning and tried to reassure her that I do love her but shes been very distant today. I cant blame her for that I guess.

[Notwendy]

A person with BPD isn't confident by nature. You miss the person she was before the relationship got deeper and she felt vulnerable. The beginning of a relationship with someone with BPD can feel wonderful but now she's revealed the needy part of herself. This happens to some extent in all relationships as people don't reveal their less attractive aspects at first but do so as the relationship progresses.

This is who she is. I guess you have to decide if you love the person in front of you, because if that person turns you off, it's not fair to her to profess your love for her to her. She's being distant for a reason . It hurt to have you say one thing ( flirty texts ) and then be turned off by her.

[dan78]

A person with BPD isn't confident by nature. You miss the person she was before the relationship got deeper and she felt vulnerable. The beginning of a relationship with someone with BPD can feel wonderful but now she's revealed the needy part of herself. This happens to some extent in all relationships as people don't reveal their less attractive aspects at first but do so as the relationship progresses.

This is who she is. I guess you have to decide if you love the person in front of you, because if that person turns you off, it's not fair to her to profess your love for her to her. She's being distant for a reason . It hurt to have you say one thing ( flirty texts ) and then be turned off by her.

I do love her very much.  But I find it hard to be sexually attracted to this side of her. I find myself wanting to take care of her... .but I find it hard to want to have sex with her like this. She has good days, when she dresses up and we go out and shes all energetic and fun and sexy... .when shes in that mood, i cant keep my hands off her.

[Jessica84]

That kind of honesty would break my heart too... .

Buying you a present doesn't necessarily make her "needy" or dependent. Your texts inspired that. She was excited and wanted to do something special for what she thought was going to be a romantic night.

Giving and doing things is how some people show love. They love by gestures, rather than words. In a sense, you rejected her love by the way she shows it. Rejection feels horrible to anyone, with or without BPD.

I can see how her over-eagerness to shower you with affection when you first walked in was a turn-off... .Perhaps (once she is calm and in a better mood), you can find a nice way to let her know that you need some space when you first come home. Tell her you need a few minutes (or an hour?) to yourself to unwind so you can give her your full attention. Then follow through.

Could this be the two of you needing time to adjust to living together?

[dan78]

That kind of honesty would break my heart too... .

Buying you a present doesn't necessarily make her "needy" or dependent. Your texts inspired that. She was excited and wanted to do something special for what she thought was going to be a romantic night.

Giving and doing things is how some people show love. They love by gestures, rather than words. In a sense, you rejected her love by the way she shows it. Rejection feels horrible to anyone, with or without BPD.

I can see how her over-eagerness to shower you with affection when you first walked in was a turn-off... .Perhaps (once she is calm and in a better mood), you can find a nice way to let her know that you need some space when you first come home. Tell her you need a few minutes (or an hour?) to yourself to unwind so you can give her your full attention. Then follow through.

Could this be the two of you needing time to adjust to living together?

We have lived together almost a year. Ive noticed this type of behavior gradually becoming more pronounced  as time goes on.  Its like the longer she lives here, the more dependent she becomes.

I agree i need to be clear with her about my need for space when i first get home. My job is stressful and i work long hours.  I need time to transition. I dont want to feel like shes another job, another responsibility. I want to enjoy our time together. I dont want to feel like I have to come home and shower her with attention constantly to make sure she feels loved. She should be confident in herself and my love not to need constant attention and reassurAnce.

[Jessica84]

Does she have a life outside of this relationship? Does she work? Have friends or hobbies of her own?

If she doesn't, then you're all she has. She'll look to you to fill her every need which is impossible for you to do... .and no good for either of you.

[dan78]

Does she have a life outside of this relationship? Does she work? Have friends or hobbies of her own?

If she doesn't, then you're all she has. She'll look to you to fill her every need which is impossible for you to do... .and no good for either of you.

She has 2 jobs but hasnt been getting many hrs lately.  She really only has 1 friend, our roommate.  No real hobbies. She moved several states to be with me and doesnt know many people here.

[Notwendy]

Then she gave up a lot of her own life to be with you. It would make sense that she seemed more independent when she had other friends. In would feel hurt if my partner was only attracted to one side of me. Over a long time together I have been the independent career woman, the pregnant emotional person, a mother. I have been slim and then looked like a whale with a 9 month pregnant belly, but that belly produced our children. I've loved my H when he was well, and when he was puking with the flu. If you can go from desiring your GF to being turned off by her in less than 24 hours, not having compassion for her giving up her life to be with you, then maybe this is telling you something.

It's good to be honest. Is the way you love her good for her?

[Jessica84]

Then she gave up a lot of her own life to be with you. It would make sense that she seemed more independent when she had other friends. In would feel hurt if my partner was only attracted to one side of me. Over a long time together I have been the independent career woman, the pregnant emotional person, a mother. I have been slim and then looked like a whale with a 9 month pregnant belly, but that belly produced our children. I've loved my H when he was well, and when he was puking with the flu. If you can go from desiring your GF to being turned off by her in less than 24 hours, not having compassion for her giving up her life to be with you, then maybe this is telling you something.

It's good to be honest. Is the way you love her good for her?

I agree... I don't know her, I don't have BPD, but I'm starting to feel kind of bad for her... .I know you care about her, but you also said you view her as a job, as needy, as a dog jumping on you, as not appealing unless she dresses up and acts in a fun and sexy way. She tried to do that with a romantic gesture after a sexy day of flirty texting and got rejected.

Curious... .Was she less needy when she worked more or lived out of state and had her friends around her? Sounds like she may need more work or social activities. Could she handle that? Have you discussed this with her?

Be careful how you approach this with her - pwBPD fear rejection and abandonment. They tend to look for signs of it. You don't want her to feel like you're asking because you don't want to spend time with her. Maybe say it in a way like you would support the idea of her finding a job she likes, or having a girl's night out, or learning to paint, ride a horse, or whatever...

[Notwendy]

I don't have BPD either, but I would feel lonely and sad if I moved with my bf and he treated me like that - sending flirty texts and then referring to me as greeting him like a dog. I would not feel loved. Sadly , your GF probably fears abandonment and being alone and so is not likely to leave no matter how badly she feels. She might have BPD but I'm wondering why you say you love her and then can be turned off by her so quickly?

Painting her black?

I know this sounds harsh but I don't see where you are at all compassionate for her situation or how she may be feeling. She may have BPD but she's a human being too and being alone in a new place isn't as easy transition for anyone and she was happy to see you. You aren't happy with her,but that's all she wanted at the moment when she greeted you with a gift: to make you happy.

[dan78]

Then she gave up a lot of her own life to be with you. It would make sense that she seemed more independent when she had other friends. In would feel hurt if my partner was only attracted to one side of me. Over a long time together I have been the independent career woman, the pregnant emotional person, a mother. I have been slim and then looked like a whale with a 9 month pregnant belly, but that belly produced our children. I've loved my H when he was well, and when he was puking with the flu. If you can go from desiring your GF to being turned off by her in less than 24 hours, not having compassion for her giving up her life to be with you, then maybe this is telling you something.

It's good to be honest. Is the way you love her good for her?

She really did give up a lot to be here.  I hate that i feel this way. I hate that that side of her makes me feel less sexually attracted to her.  I want to love ALL of her, to want ALL of her.  But when she is needy it comes off as almost childlike. Its difficult to be sexually attracted to a child.

[Notwendy]

I understand that. My mom acts like a child sometimes and it's uncomfortable but it is who she is. Still even if your GF acted childish,she didn't deserve to be sent flirty messages and then be surprised by your behavior.

Your honesty is commendable - you should be honest and she is who she is- and that part of her that you see as childish needs love too. Before people get married is a time to learn about each other and it is good to be aware of your feelings- and also hers.

[HappyNihilist]

dan, I agree that your honesty is commendable. You're asking yourself some tough questions and exploring difficult emotional territory.

She really did give up a lot to be here.  I hate that i feel this way. I hate that that side of her makes me feel less sexually attracted to her.  I want to love ALL of her, to want ALL of her.  But when she is needy it comes off as almost childlike. Its difficult to be sexually attracted to a child.

That's understandable.

When I came home from work last night, my gf (BPD) greeted me at the door all excited to give me a present she had bought. She was overwhelming, barely let me in the door before she was thrusting the bag in my hand and practically begging for my attention.

Let's look at this specific interaction. Greeting you at the door in excitement, eager for your attention, isn't necessarily "childlike." It sounds like a woman who is excited to see her man, wants to please him, and wants his attention.

Now, that may not necessarily be what you want at that moment, but it's not inherently childlike.

Perhaps, in the future, it might help to reframe how you look at this particular type of behavior. ":)amn, my woman hasn't seen me all day and she wants to get all up on me before I even make it in the door!" That still doesn't mean you have to like the behavior -- maybe you want a little time to "decompress" after work first -- but it keeps you from seeing her as a child.

But this was about more than the specific incident-- it's about something that has been bothering you for a while, as you said:

it turned me off how she greeted me at the door like one of the dogs and that she needs to stop living her life for me and catering to me all the time. I told her to get a backbone. I was harsh and she wound up crying herself to sleep.  I feel really bad that I hurt her but Ive  been feeling this way for a while. 

I fell in love with a strong, spunky, independant smart ass of a woman but since shes moved in with me shes become dependent,  needy of my attention, emotional,  nervous... .she caters to me more than is normal,  is overly solicitous,  is always trying to please me even at her own expense... .I cant walk away from her without a "baby? Where are you going?" In a whiny little girl voice. It's sometimes hard to find her sexually appealing when she acts this way.

She gave up a lot to move in with you. Does that fact in itself not suggest that she might be prone to trying to please you even at her own expense? If you look back on your relationship, is her "sudden" behavior change really out of the blue, or were there indications (however subtle) all along? If she has BPD, then chances are that some of these traits peeked through in ways.

But, BPD or not, a person (man or woman) can be strong, spunky, independent, and smartass on his/her "home turf" - but uncertain, more dependent, and emotionally needier when "displaced." Right now, you're her lifeline, her support system.

Plus, moving in together is a big step in a relationship. She undoubtedly has her own anxieties and worries, and she's reaching out for reassurance in her ways.

A pwBPD feels emotions very intensely, and has a lot of fear and anxiety around intimate relationships to begin with. She's most likely feeling quite vulnerable right now, which manifests in childlike attempts at attachment and reassurance.

How might she and/or you be able to soothe the anxieties of her childlike side?

Again, it's great that you're being honest and aware. Relationships are hard work, especially when BPD is involved. If you don't know yourself, it's difficult to navigate those complex waterways.

[dan78]

I don't have BPD either, but I would feel lonely and sad if I moved with my bf and he treated me like that - sending flirty texts and then referring to me as greeting him like a dog. I would not feel loved. Sadly , your GF probably fears abandonment and being alone and so is not likely to leave no matter how badly she feels. She might have BPD but I'm wondering why you say you love her and then can be turned off by her so quickly?

Painting her black?

I know this sounds harsh but I don't see where you are at all compassionate for her situation or how she may be feeling. She may have BPD but she's a human being too and being alone in a new place isn't as easy transition for anyone and she was happy to see you. You aren't happy with her,but that's all she wanted at the moment when she greeted you with a gift: to make you happy.

I realize Im coming off as harsh and cold.  Im not usually that way at all. My frustrations are getting the better of me unfortunately and i need to get a handle on that before I hurt her to the point where theres no coming back.  Things that would have been endearing at one point are just annoying me and it makes me feel very guilty to react this way.

[dan78]

I understand that. My mom acts like a child sometimes and it's uncomfortable but it is who she is. Still even if your GF acted childish,she didn't deserve to be sent flirty messages and then be surprised by your behavior.

Your honesty is commendable - you should be honest and she is who she is- and that part of her that you see as childish needs love too. Before people get married is a time to learn about each other and it is good to be aware of your feelings- and also hers.

I realize she didnt deserve the way I behaved. I overreacted. Im not sure why. 

[dan78]

dan, I agree that your honesty is commendable. You're asking yourself some tough questions and exploring difficult emotional territory.

She really did give up a lot to be here.  I hate that i feel this way. I hate that that side of her makes me feel less sexually attracted to her.  I want to love ALL of her, to want ALL of her.  But when she is needy it comes off as almost childlike. Its difficult to be sexually attracted to a child.

That's understandable.

When I came home from work last night, my gf (BPD) greeted me at the door all excited to give me a present she had bought. She was overwhelming, barely let me in the door before she was thrusting the bag in my hand and practically begging for my attention.

Let's look at this specific interaction. Greeting you at the door in excitement, eager for your attention, isn't necessarily "childlike." It sounds like a woman who is excited to see her man, wants to please him, and wants his attention.

Now, that may not necessarily be what you want at that moment, but it's not inherently childlike.

Perhaps, in the future, it might help to reframe how you look at this particular type of behavior. ":)amn, my woman hasn't seen me all day and she wants to get all up on me before I even make it in the door!" That still doesn't mean you have to like the behavior -- maybe you want a little time to "decompress" after work first -- but it keeps you from seeing her as a child.

But this was about more than the specific incident-- it's about something that has been bothering you for a while, as you said:

it turned me off how she greeted me at the door like one of the dogs and that she needs to stop living her life for me and catering to me all the time. I told her to get a backbone. I was harsh and she wound up crying herself to sleep.  I feel really bad that I hurt her but Ive  been feeling this way for a while. 

I fell in love with a strong, spunky, independant smart ass of a woman but since shes moved in with me shes become dependent,  needy of my attention, emotional,  nervous... .she caters to me more than is normal,  is overly solicitous,  is always trying to please me even at her own expense... .I cant walk away from her without a "baby? Where are you going?" In a whiny little girl voice. It's sometimes hard to find her sexually appealing when she acts this way.

She gave up a lot to move in with you. Does that fact in itself not suggest that she might be prone to trying to please you even at her own expense? If you look back on your relationship, is her "sudden" behavior change really out of the blue, or were there indications (however subtle) all along? If she has BPD, then chances are that some of these traits peeked through in ways.

But, BPD or not, a person (man or woman) can be strong, spunky, independent, and smartass on his/her "home turf" - but uncertain, more dependent, and emotionally needier when "displaced." Right now, you're her lifeline, her support system.

Plus, moving in together is a big step in a relationship. She undoubtedly has her own anxieties and worries, and she's reaching out for reassurance in her ways.

A pwBPD feels emotions very intensely, and has a lot of fear and anxiety around intimate relationships to begin with. She's most likely feeling quite vulnerable right now, which manifests in childlike attempts at attachment and reassurance.

How might she and/or you be able to soothe the anxieties of her childlike side?

Again, it's great that you're being honest and aware. Relationships are hard work, especially when BPD is involved. If you don't know yourself, it's difficult to navigate those complex waterways.

Youve given me much to consider. Thank you for that. Im on my way out the door to work but I will respond later more in depth.

[JohnLove]

Hey Dan. I am a guy... .with a "needy" BPD girlfriend and I don't think I need to tell you as I feel you are realising after you have received very helpful advice from other men and women here. I know EXACTLY what you are talking about with regard to the turn off's in respect to the overly needy or childlike behaviour.

Give her some emotional support and I'm sure you will see that sassy side that you profess to enjoy. Do it BEFORE she shows someone else.

I will show YOU harsh and cold. You my friend have behaved like an asshat!.

You weren't harsh and cold. The more info you provided, I found you were inconsiderate. Insensitive. Unloving. Disapproving. Dismissive. Disrespectful. And misleading. But worst of all hurtful and unsupportive.

When your woman is crying (at your own hand) and you are her intimate partner who she has pair bonded with?... .that depends on YOU for her emotional support?.

Well, leave her hurting at your own peril. PwBPD often do things to cause their own demise in relationships. Your BPDgf has not done such a thing. Are you sure you are a non?.

I don't care if your girlfriend has BPD and some of her personality characteristics arent "ideal" to you, but man, you just can't treat a woman that so obviously adores you like THAT.  

She did nothing wrong but show her love for you in a way you just couldn't appreciate. That is her crime.

Now do something about it. A hint. Surprise flowers and a heartfelt apology might be a good start.

[Notwendy]

While she would like flowers and an apology, they would be a cruel thing to do if the OP isn't able to maintain some attraction to her or at least be caring to her during the times he is not ( not everyone is in the mood all the time in a r/s) . This happened once, and it will happen again.

Sure, I get that the childlike behavior is not attractive to him. However, this is who she is. They are not married at the moment, but if she is that in love with him, she will hope this will be the outcome. If he signs on for a lifetime with her, then it is possible that he is signing on for a lifetime of being both attracted to her at times, and then being cold. What he did to her will happen over and over again.

While his honesty hurt her at the moment, I encourage him to remain honest and not keep hurting her.

I did react to this personally to some extent. My H painted me black after we were married. He had no physical attraction to me. There were so many nights I cried, in bed, rejected like your gf, so many things I tried to make him happier with me, all of them failing. I was probably the clingy, needy, unatractive wife trying so hard to bring back what I thought my H felt for me.

In trying to figure out what happened, he may not have wanted me but he didn't want to let go of me, nor could he stand the idea of me finding someone else,  and he wasn't honest about his feelings. Not sure he was even aware of them.

I sure wish someone like Johnlove had told my H he was being an asshat, because my H was quite sure he was a great guy and I was to blame for his lack of feeling attracted, and he certainly showed his disappointment in me. He didn't seem to care when I was in tears and turned a cold shoulder to me on the nights I cried myself to sleep. However, I didn't find another man. Through therapy, I learned to be stronger and got better boudaries so I don't accept being treated like that.

I don't have BPD, but I was raised by a mom with BPD, and so, I didn't know the difference between love and this self centered cr*p that looked like love to me. I would bet your gf, if she has BPD doesn't know it either, but you do. Either choose to love her, or not, but don't do this to her.

[dan78]

Hey Dan. I am a guy... .with a "needy" BPD girlfriend and I don't think I need to tell you as I feel you are realising after you have received very helpful advice from other men and women here. I know EXACTLY what you are talking about with regard to the turn off's in respect to the overly needy or childlike behaviour.

Give her some emotional support and I'm sure you will see that sassy side that you profess to enjoy. Do it BEFORE she shows someone else.

I will show YOU harsh and cold. You my friend have behaved like an asshat!.

You weren't harsh and cold. The more info you provided, I found you were inconsiderate. Insensitive. Unloving. Disapproving. Dismissive. Disrespectful. And misleading. But worst of all hurtful and unsupportive.

When your woman is crying (at your own hand) and you are her intimate partner who she has pair bonded with?... .that depends on YOU for her emotional support?.

Well, leave her hurting at your own peril. PwBPD often do things to cause their own demise in relationships. Your BPDgf has not done such a thing. Are you sure you are a non?.

I don't care if your girlfriend has BPD and some of her personality characteristics arent "ideal" to you, but man, you just can't treat a woman that so obviously adores you like THAT.  

She did nothing wrong but show her love for you in a way you just couldn't appreciate. That is her crime.

Now do something about it. A hint. Surprise flowers and a heartfelt apology might be a good start.

I suppose i deserved that.  I can admit when im wrong and I know I reacted poorly and hurt her.  We talked last night and I apologized to her. She accepted my apology gracefully but said that what was said couldnt be unsaid so it would take a while for her to move past it. I tried to reassure her that I do love her and want her... .which turned into making love and the falling asleep holding her.

I dont want to be an asshat to her. I truly dont.  I want to be understanding and loving towards her. I want to learn not to get annoyed with her when shes having a hard time. 

[dan78]

While she would like flowers and an apology, they would be a cruel thing to do if the OP isn't able to maintain some attraction to her or at least be caring to her during the times he is not ( not everyone is in the mood all the time in a r/s) . This happened once, and it will happen again.

Sure, I get that the childlike behavior is not attractive to him. However, this is who she is. They are not married at the moment, but if she is that in love with him, she will hope this will be the outcome. If he signs on for a lifetime with her, then it is possible that he is signing on for a lifetime of being both attracted to her at times, and then being cold. What he did to her will happen over and over again.

While his honesty hurt her at the moment, I encourage him to remain honest and not keep hurting her.

I did react to this personally to some extent. My H painted me black after we were married. He had no physical attraction to me. There were so many nights I cried, in bed, rejected like your gf, so many things I tried to make him happier with me, all of them failing. I was probably the clingy, needy, unatractive wife trying so hard to bring back what I thought my H felt for me.

In trying to figure out what happened, he may not have wanted me but he didn't want to let go of me, nor could he stand the idea of me finding someone else,  and he wasn't honest about his feelings. Not sure he was even aware of them.

I sure wish someone like Johnlove had told my H he was being an asshat, because my H was quite sure he was a great guy and I was to blame for his lack of feeling attracted, and he certainly showed his disappointment in me. He didn't seem to care when I was in tears and turned a cold shoulder to me on the nights I cried myself to sleep. However, I didn't find another man. Through therapy, I learned to be stronger and got better boudaries so I don't accept being treated like that.

I don't have BPD, but I was raised by a mom with BPD, and so, I didn't know the difference between love and this self centered cr*p that looked like love to me. I would bet your gf, if she has BPD doesn't know it either, but you do. Either choose to love her, or not, but don't do this to her.

thank you for your candid reply. That is exactly what I dont want to happen. I love her and I dont want to continue to hurt her the way I did. I dont want to be dishonest to her either... .and there lies my dilemma.

[Notwendy]

Dan, it might help to read some books on love and relationships in general, with a focus on you, not your partner. I can't think of one off hand, but there are many.

The main idea is that love is not only a feeling we get, it's also a choice. None of us are attracted to our partners physically all the time, but we are attracted to who they are, not just how we feel when we are with them. However, feelings are important guides for us. If you get to the point where you are just not feeling it, most of the time, then this is important to know before comitting to marriage and children.

Having a partner with BPD is a challenge, but for many of us, one reason we are attracted to someone with a PD is because of some issue we have as well. Considering that issue is a way to not only be healthier emotionally, but to have healthy relationships.

Your gf is bringing up some feelings and issues for you- good- we all have them. They are a guide to becoming a better person, no matter who we choose as a partner.

I'm glad you took the feedback in a positive sense. It wasn't something easy to read, I am sure, but I want to commend you on being able to receive it and consider some of the ideas presented. So I commend you for that.

[Mike-X]

What are love and intimacy to you? What are you looking for?

Why did her actions turn you off? You have basically said that they did turn you off, but you haven't  said why?

Also, if she has moments, days, etc. where she wants to be "childlike", to buy you gifts, etc. can you find a way to love those things too?

[Mike-X]

Dan, it might help to read some books on love and relationships in general, with a focus on you, not your partner. I can't think of one off hand, but there are many.

The main idea is that love is not only a feeling we get, it's also a choice. None of us are attracted to our partners physically all the time, but we are attracted to who they are, not just how we feel when we are with them. However, feelings are important guides for us. If you get to the point where you are just not feeling it, most of the time, then this is important to know before comitting to marriage and children.

Having a partner with BPD is a challenge, but for many of us, one reason we are attracted to someone with a PD is because of some issue we have as well. Considering that issue is a way to not only be healthier emotionally, but to have healthy relationships.

Your gf is bringing up some feelings and issues for you- good- we all have them. They are a guide to becoming a better person, no matter who we choose as a partner.

I'm glad you took the feedback in a positive sense. It wasn't something easy to read, I am sure, but I want to commend you on being able to receive it and consider some of the ideas presented. So I commend you for that.

Love & Will by Rollo May

[dan78]

Dan, it might help to read some books on love and relationships in general, with a focus on you, not your partner. I can't think of one off hand, but there are many.

The main idea is that love is not only a feeling we get, it's also a choice. None of us are attracted to our partners physically all the time, but we are attracted to who they are, not just how we feel when we are with them. However, feelings are important guides for us. If you get to the point where you are just not feeling it, most of the time, then this is important to know before comitting to marriage and children.

Having a partner with BPD is a challenge, but for many of us, one reason we are attracted to someone with a PD is because of some issue we have as well. Considering that issue is a way to not only be healthier emotionally, but to have healthy relationships.

Your gf is bringing up some feelings and issues for you- good- we all have them. They are a guide to becoming a better person, no matter who we choose as a partner.

I'm glad you took the feedback in a positive sense. It wasn't something easy to read, I am sure, but I want to commend you on being able to receive it and consider some of the ideas presented. So I commend you for that.

Thank you. I will do some looking for books that might give me some insight.

I have a tendency to fall for women who need "saving" and then find myself irritated and frustrated when they arent magically fixed when I help them. I have a long line of (not sure how to say this without sounding awful) "broken" women in my past... .my current gf is probably the one who has needed the least amount of rescuing and shes an ex drug addict with BPD who used to work in the adult industry, has 3 kids by 3 different men and has suffered an insane amount of abuse. I realize theres something in myself that makes me fall for women like this. Im just not sure what it is.

That said, my current gf... .I didnt fall for her based on a need to save her per se... .the first time we were together, yes, but not this time. When we resumed contact after 7 yrs, she had changed so much... .had "saved herself" so to speak and I admire that in her so much.

[dan78]

What are love and intimacy to you? What are you looking for?

Why did her actions turn you off? You have basically said that they did turn you off, but you haven't  said why?

Also, if she has moments, days, etc. where she wants to be "childlike", to buy you gifts, etc. can you find a way to love those things too?

Love and intimacy to me means partnership... .it means not making another person your life but choosing to share your life with that person.

Her actions turned me off because they made her seem... .less than me somehow... .not like my equal partner but a subordinate somehow... .like one of the kids... .i cant explain it clearly, even to myself.

[Notwendy]

Who we attract and are attracted to is part of our psyche. For me, co dependency 12 step groups and ACOA ( adult children of alcoholics- and dysfunctional famlies) were the key to understanding myself and my relationships. Consider the "victim triangle"- because both roles of rescuer and victim are on it.

For myself, I know that being in a dysfunctional relationship is in part, my own dysfunction, and regardless of who is or isn't as dysfunctional, my part is the only part I can change. For some, changing partners is the choice, for others, it is changing ourselves, and regardless, changing ourselves means we are better.

Someone can not trigger feelings in us, unless at some level we relate to that trigger. For instance, my H could look at me and call me a pink rabbit, and it wouldn't trigger any reaction in me because, well, I have no connection to being a pink rabbit nor do I fear that I might be one. My H might want to dress up like a rabbit and eat carrots- I might think this is pretty strange but it wouldn't trigger a strong emotional response.

However, if he says or does something that really upsets me, turns me off, makes me angry, it could be because he is being abusive, but it could also teach me something about myself. This might remind me of my parents, or make me feel abandoned or rejected, or just not be appealing, but my reaction is very likely to be more about me, than about him.

Your GF didn't do anything mean or hurtful to you, but it triggered a strong revulsion in you. Something to think about.