Why do pwBPD sound so convincing to others?

[christin5433]

Lately I've found myself so bothered that pwBPD know how to convince people they are the sane ones? I mean they get to smear and humiliate wo even flinching or missing a beat. I stay quiet, I let her be the right one , I don't know how they get away with this. I think as I go through this grieving what bothers me most is my personal pride. I'm full of embarrassment to others because its pointless to even explain my part. That's what I find to be my dilemma . Can't just get through and hurt and mend. I get people looking at me like I was a crazy partner to her. They don't say it but they say little remarks . Or friends of ours think it was best due to her being so messed up from my constant control and lies.

It's hard to know its not just all the mess I had to deal w during exit , abuse during r/s, and then public humiliation  . Can't wait to see the light one day when this is a bad memory

[myself]

Sorry for what you're going through, that stuff's rough. But temporary.

Believe in who you are, and be yourself. Your real friends will see the truth.

Also keep in mind that she's really trying to convince herself most of all.

[Loveofhislife]

Christin--I promise you will get through this--you are in the really rough waters right now. So, try to just float a little bit, when you can--take breaks from fighting those rapids. It's really overwhelming. You're in the right place here, and you're in a much better place to be detaching from her instead of remaining in an abusive relationship. Some of us have been out in these waters longer than others. I continue to get caught in rip tides of emotion once in awhile. But I'm becoming a stronger swimmer in large part from what I've learned here.

I thought I would drown in my own tears or die of a broken heart or internally combust from anger. But the water seems to be washing all that away now.

They are convincing because lies are a part of their operating system. Fabrication is the stuff of life for them. They are well rehearsed and even believe their own lies and conveniently forget our truths.

My mother often told me that people believe what they want to believe--you know the truth. And as they say, living well is the best revenge. Live your truth; her lies will be found out. "By their fruits (not words) ye shall know them."

[christin5433]

Christin--I promise you will get through this--you are in the really rough waters right now. So, try to just float a little bit, when you can--take breaks from fighting those rapids. It's really overwhelming. You're in the right place here, and you're in a much better place to be detaching from her instead of remaining in an abusive relationship. Some of us have been out in these waters longer than others. I continue to get caught in rip tides of emotion once in awhile. But I'm becoming a stronger swimmer in large part from what I've learned here.

I thought I would drown in my own tears or die of a broken heart or internally combust from anger. But the water seems to be washing all that away now.

They are convincing because lies are a part of their operating system. Fabrication is the stuff of life for them. They are well rehearsed and even believe their own lies and conveniently forget our truths.

My mother often told me that people believe what they want to believe--you know the truth. And as they say, living well is the best revenge. Live your truth; her lies will be found out. "By their fruits (not words) ye shall know them."

Yes I agree I like the analogy water is calming to me I like to swim but stormy waters share the cr& out of me. Kinda like my ex. I just have always held myself w respect and manners its sort of my personality . One quality my ex hated she never knew my big deal w respect ? I wasn't like military type but more I like to smile at others give the low man down a hand up and be part of. Now I'm getting jagged looks a few people I don't even know just casually asking in a verrrryyyy concerned tone " are u ok? " then I say yes I'm good and then they say it again to make sure? what the heck?

I know this too shall pass. And the more I just keep showing up not slandering my ex whom I won't even talk at all about ... .I will be ok. She's just like always a drama person and loves attention ... .And a people pleaser. Not knocking her its just those 3 behaviors always produced shame in our life. I just have to keep myself under the radar and be myself. One random guy came to me and asked about us and I straight said its none of your Buisness. And it isn't. I don't want to be part of a public spectacul. She wants me to still be suffering after the b/u. It's amazing there need to be right. I think they have some super powers... .)

[Maternus]

I mean they get to smear and humiliate wo even flinching or missing a beat. I stay quiet, I let her be the right one , I don't know how they get away with this.

They don't get away with it in the long run. My BPDexgf was smearing her ex-husband and I believed everything she said about him. I believed her, that he was a physical abusive monster and she was the innocent victim. I didn't even saw the red flags, when she told me, that she loved to drive him insane. She loved it, when he lost his temper and slapped her. She had no perception of emotional abuse - abuse to her was just physical abuse. And she thought she is the winner of a fight, when she drove her ex to become physical. I realised that she tried to do the same with me, but I never beat her, I just left the room. One day she was infuriating me so much, that  I was pushing her shoulder with a finger and yelled "Why are you doing this to me?". And she got more angry "This is physical abuse, you are hurting me! You are like my ex-husband!" I'm happy to be out of this drama. I was in a over 20 years long relationship before I met my BPDex - and we really had some problems in that relationship, but I never got so angry, never felt so awkward and deliberately provoked.

[BestVersionOfMe]

Lately I've found myself so bothered that pwBPD know how to convince people they are the sane ones? I mean they get to smear and humiliate wo even flinching or missing a beat. I stay quiet, I let her be the right one , I don't know how they get away with this. I think as I go through this grieving what bothers me most is my personal pride. I'm full of embarrassment to others because its pointless to even explain my part. That's what I find to be my dilemma . Can't just get through and hurt and mend. I get people looking at me like I was a crazy partner to her. They don't say it but they say little remarks . Or friends of ours think it was best due to her being so messed up from my constant control and lies.

It's hard to know its not just all the mess I had to deal w during exit , abuse during r/s, and then public humiliation  . Can't wait to see the light one day when this is a bad memory

I think people and mutual friends are more intuitive to that kind of thing than you might think.  They know the real deal based on your character.  Even if she doesn't convince a few people that you are an abusive, controlling, jerk, the majority, especially those who care for  you won't buy it.

[christin5433]

Yeah I agree I think most of my concerns are I'm hurting and I want to have some dignity preserved because if they only knew the real truth. The real truth is pwBPD have a mean streak that is pretty strong I mean they abuse ,lie ,hurt the ones they say they love , and smear your name , cheat , and triangulate w others to take down someone who tries to care for them. And look good doing it to others. It's so different from a typical b/u. It's like being w a child. I'm just going to get through this . I do a lot of reading here and communicating my stuff because I can share wo smear to her. I guess it's the higher road to not hurt others. I know it's my lesson now and I'm trying to embrace it. Went out for a while tonight got hugs and smiles from others . I believe your right people can see for the most part bs. I don't ever bug her or even react to her at all not worth it. I'm gonna get strbonger and I'm gonna know I am not a person w struggles w a mental disorder. I hope one day I can find myself feeling empathy for her that's been a struggle for me because of all the damage I exp this Christmas it's too mind blowing her blame towards me. For what ? Because I stood up for myself . I'm now on a road standing up for myself.

[Infared]

Once my ex played victim and hooked up with new supply, which was now her strength to hurt me,  (as she turned into his mirror and sucks him dry), I did not recognize who she was. I lived with a manipulative waif and she became a witch when she got her new source.

Slowly I began to see how I had been manipulated and also slowly saw my part in it. I had a HUGE part in it.

Mine was a master manipulator/victim. Master. Ad beauty/cuteness and some faked demureness in their and she could wrap everyone around her finger in the wink of an eye...  I recognized that I had no shot at convincing others about the truth... .I just had to crawl away and save me. God knows what she said to others, I saw for her to speak was to tell lies.

Like Songbook said... through all of it she is trying to convince herself more than others... .but make no mistake, in her world you are to blame for EVERYTHING.  :)on't worry... .as time goes on... ."he" will be you.

[peace_seeker]

Lately I've found myself so bothered that pwBPD know how to convince people they are the sane ones? I mean they get to smear and humiliate wo even flinching or missing a beat. I stay quiet, I let her be the right one , I don't know how they get away with this. I think as I go through this grieving what bothers me most is my personal pride. I'm full of embarrassment to others because its pointless to even explain my part. That's what I find to be my dilemma . Can't just get through and hurt and mend. I get people looking at me like I was a crazy partner to her. They don't say it but they say little remarks . Or friends of ours think it was best due to her being so messed up from my constant control and lies.

It's hard to know its not just all the mess I had to deal w during exit , abuse during r/s, and then public humiliation  . Can't wait to see the light one day when this is a bad memory

sorry to hear that you are going through this. i had issues with public opinion too when my ex was acting like the victim on FB. just know that true friends will know you for who you are, and will not judge. Those who judge aren't deserving of you being affected anyway.

my counsellor also reassured me that people might talked/gossip about this for a day, or two. but they will forget about all these sooner than we thought. so just give yourself time, it'll all be done and dusted really soon.

hang in there. 

[enlighten me]

Whatever they tell people never lasts. My exgf has become a bit of a joke with her friends and they have started to distance themselves and comment on her behaviour.

This is why she never has long term friends as they always end up seeing through her in the end.

[oortcloud]

I am right there with you Christin. It's unfair how we have endured so much with our ex's, only to be smeared after the b/u and treated like dirt. It's humiliating, degrading, and insulting. We had almost no control when we were in the relationship, and once again we are powerless.

Somehow our ex's manage to convince their friends that we're monsters. I can only hope that some of the smarter friends will be able to see through the mask.

[hope2727]

I seriously think that is why my ex surrounds himself with losers. The friends he had that were kind quality people he stopped talking to. the friends he had that were more on the white trash, cheating, uneducated, dead end job always borrowing money scale well those he kept. It allowed him to shine among them. He looked like the philosophical, intelligent moral one.   Yeah I know. So when he started his smear campaign they totally bought into it. He even took my best (male) friend with him. Oh well culls the herd I suppose. My ex once told me he'd rather have bad friends than no friends at all. I am the total opposite. I would rather have no friends than bad friends. Thank goodness I have some really great friends who have stood by me through this and been there for many years. My ex will keep recycling his loser friends as required for years to come I am sure.

[christin5433]

I am right there with you Christin. It's unfair how we have endured so much with our ex's, only to be smeared after the b/u and treated like dirt. It's humiliating, degrading, and insulting. We had almost no control when we were in the relationship, and once again we are powerless.

Somehow our ex's manage to convince their friends that we're monsters. I can only hope that some of the smarter friends will be able to see through the mask.

it's my side of the street I got to keep clean. I have trusted wise friends that don't co sign my crazy while I grieve. They point it back to me. Ouch. But better to know I'm gonna one day know I didn't want to hurt a person I cared about seems like underneath it all I really do care about my well being. Nothing will gain destroying another .

[christin5433]

I seriously think that is why my ex surrounds himself with losers. The friends he had that were kind quality people he stopped talking to. the friends he had that were more on the white trash, cheating, uneducated, dead end job always borrowing money scale well those he kept. It allowed him to shine among them. He looked like the philosophical, intelligent moral one.   Yeah I know. So when he started his smear campaign they totally bought into it. He even took my best (male) friend with him. Oh well culls the herd I suppose. My ex once told me he'd rather have bad friends than no friends at all. I am the total opposite. I would rather have no friends than bad friends. Thank goodness I have some really great friends who have stood by me through this and been there for many years. My ex will keep recycling his loser friends as required for years to come I am sure.

yes recycled friends that's exactly where my ex went she also triangulated me w a ex that hated me! Success she found someone to feed her triggers. It's been so hard not to want to tell her off. But I know this is her disorder and I'd be fighting a losing battle ... .Because no remorse or empathy would result from me sharing my hurt or suffering ... .

[Panda39]

My SO went through a lot of this too with her friends and including a parental alienation campaign with the children.  Just continue to be yourself your actions will speak volumes.

I remember reading somewhere (maybe "Splitting" that pwBPD can initially be very convincing in court because their own emotions are so strong that they come across as believable... .because they believe so strongly (projection).  However in the courtroom and in the real world eventually people begin to see the inconsistencies.  (your) actions speak louder than (her) words.

My SO was portrayed as abusive and she the victim.  Over time the uBPDxw has lost friends because they finally see the truth confront her and then she paints them black or the friends see the truth and distance themselves.

Over the last 4 years my SO's daughters have gone from seeing uBPDmom as the "poor victim", spying on dad for mom, reading his texts, searching his house and reporting on what they find (including what was in the refrigerator), they falsely accused him of child abuse (he threw a phone at the couch), they refused to see him etc.  He never gave up and gradually things turned around as the kids have realized dad is the same old dad that he always was and that mom is a victim of her own choices not anything dad did to her.   UBPDmom has now painted her children black because she can't comprehend that they might love both parents... .it's either her or him... .black or white.  So the kids have not seen their mother for a month (they have not desire to) and they maintain sporadic low contact with her.