Will my MIL hurt my kids?

[alxpitcher]

I've been doing personal research on BPD in an attempt to understand my MIL. She has no formal diagnosis but it's been almost 14 years since she's lived with anyone else. She left my FIL, my husband was sent to boarding school at 14 and his older half-sister was out of the home. Everyone just agreed that she's crazy and avoids interaction with her for the most part; she wants to constantly interact with my kids, through presents and over the phone so I cannot avoid her. I'm therefore subjected to her antics on a regular basis. She is manipulative; a liar; her controlled facade is broken at the slightest mistake it's somewhat terrifying because she physical as well as emotionally unravels; she believes she is the victim; does not apologize or acknowledge mistakes; she is career driven but rarely stays at a job long, she burns bridges at every workplace; respects no boundaries, believes she has the right to do whatever makes her happy; she is in competition with everyone; she has worked to insure my husband and SIL have no relationship and stressed that it's unfair for my husband to take my side over hers. I'm really at a loss. I've come to understand that nothing I do will fix the relationship with her, but I don't feel I have the right to end the relationship. My main concern is how her antics will impact my young sons; she is outwardly very loving but becomes frustrated with my son if he's not receptive. She often snaps at him if he won't acknowl her with quips like, "it's not a hard question." He's only three. Since she's not my mother I have little knowledge to draw from. My husband is Army and not here so I am left to deal with it all alone. Should I be concerned? What steps should I take? Or am I just out of line?

[pessim-optimist]

Hello alxpitcher, 

I am so sorry you are having to deal with this alone with your husband gone at the moment... .

How was the relationship with your MIL in the past when your husband was around? Was she treating the children in the same way or is it something new?

Are you worried for your children's physical safety, or their emotional well-being? In either case, you have the right to protect your children. It is a difficult situation as you say that you are by yourself at the moment and also that you feel an obligation to keep in touch. What does your husband think about it in general?

Understanding BPD and learning to deal with the person suffering from it takes time. There are ways that can improve our chances at better and calmer communication, and also there are ways to protect ourselves from the harmful behaviors. You will find tools and skills in the resources on this website that will help you navigating these situations.

Should I be concerned? What steps should I take? Or am I just out of line?

In general, yes, you should be concerned. However, it is an issue for the long-haul, and with the right resources, you will be able to protect your children and help them navigate the complicated relationship. People w/BPD can be very loving at times, but they aren't always safe to be around. In the short-run, if you feel your children are not safe, I would remove them from the situation every time as calmly as possible (you can even make up excuses before you get confident with one of the most important of tools: Boundaries.) As time goes by and you learn more and become more confident, you will be able to start setting boundaries on your MILs behaviors (doing that right away is not advisable, because setting boundaries causes a push-back from the person w/BPD and that can be rather unpleasant and unproductive if we aren't ready to deal with it).

In the meantime, learning as much as possible about the disorder and the communication tools will send you in the right direction. These might be good ones to start with in addition to the Boundaries above: Validation, S.E.T. - Support, Empathy and Truth, Examples of boundaries

Also, setting up a support network of people around you (family, friends, church, therapist, this website etc.) and taking good care of your own physical, mental and emotional needs is essential.

Welcome again, alxpitcher, keep posting, the members here are willing to help and many of them have been in your shoes so they understand how you feel. 

[enlighten me]

With BPD the past is a good indicator of the future. Was your MIL physical with her own children? If so then I would be concerned.

As far as pscological impact then limiting access will greatly reduce the risk.

One thing with children is that they know if they like how someone behaves. My mum is overbearing. I dobt think she has a PD but because of how she is my sons dont want to spend time with her. Not just my sons but my nieces aswell. They all love her but dont want to be around her. Im sure your son will be the same way. Its the ones that sugar coat and bribe kids that are really dangerous as they suck the kids in and poison their thinking in such a sweet way.

[alxpitcher]

Thank you so much for responding to me. She has always had a volatile relationship with her kids and she's always lied; so I know many of these behaviors have always been an issue. My husband believes she's gotten worse; I'm not sure if this is the case or if they just have more interaction now. As I mentioned every one in my husbands family just accepts the behavior and avoids the confrontation; so it's hard to get them to address what's happening. She's honestly a very exhausting person to be around so we all feel a little emotionally drained after she visits. I am reading up because I waiver between sheer frustration and heartbreak to sympathy and a desire to maintain a relationship; she's so cut off from everyone it's really upsetting. She has spanked my son because she was upset when he ran from her in a parking lot; two days after she admonished spanking to correct behavior, but I don't know that she'd be abusive with my children. I think I'm more concerned about the emotional insability; she will go from rage to smiling in seconds and cries at the slightest mistake or embarrassment. She has the capacity to be very loving and I know she adores my children; the wild mood swings and panicked reactions to mistakes and embarrassment are worrisome; she often shakes, cries and becomes angry when she's embarrassed. I'll look into the resources you suggested, I also purchased some ebooks from the reviews on the site. I'm hoping to gain some insight so I can have a thoughtful conversation with my husband. "She's just crazy," isn't really cutting it anymore; I need coping mechanisms to maintain this relationship. Again thank you!

[pessim-optimist]

As I mentioned every one in my husbands family just accepts the behavior and avoids the confrontation; so it's hard to get them to address what's happening.

This is fairly typical in the families with a disordered parent, as nobody knows how to deal with it (what would make a positive difference) and nobody wants to upset the status quo and make things worse.

Usually it takes someone going to therapy and/or learning about the disorder before things can get better - and even then, it depends on each and every family member, including the pwBPD (person w/BPD) if they decide to get better and learn and use better coping skills or not.

She's honestly a very exhausting person to be around so we all feel a little emotionally drained after she visits. I am reading up because I waiver between sheer frustration and heartbreak to sympathy and a desire to maintain a relationship

You sound like a very kind, loving daughter-in-law. People w/BPD can be very exhausting for others to be around, and your mixed feelings are completely normal. It is ok to take breaks when we are tired and need to recharge to get our balance and energy back - actually, it is essential to do that to be able to sustain this kind of relationship (r/s) for the long haul... .

I'm hoping to gain some insight so I can have a thoughtful conversation with my husband. "She's just crazy," isn't really cutting it anymore; I need coping mechanisms to maintain this relationship.

That will make a world of a difference. Understanding the disorder, what triggers the pwBPD, knowing what you can do to make things go smoother and what is not in your power, and when to remove oneself from the situation are all serious game-changers for the better.

[alxpitcher]

Seriously thank you for all your kind words; it's so nice to have someone to discuss this with. My family just wants me to accept she's difficult and have no expectation. I don't want to step on toes with my husbands family; because I don't feel like it's my place, so I try not to discuss it with them. My children are three and ten months so I have a long road ahead of me with my MIL. I'm so glad I found a resource to start this journey. Thanks again!

[pessim-optimist]

You are welcome alxpitcher, and keep posting! This board is here for you, and you will find a safe place to discuss things and find answers for issues that your husband's family may not be comfortable dealing with.