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Author Topic: Need advice for forgiving an ex with BPD  (Read 399 times)
Seekingtruth84
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
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« on: January 31, 2015, 05:48:28 PM »

Hi there,

This is my first post on here after about a month of reading the boards to help me deal with my breakup from by ex fiancé who I suspect suffers from BPD. Also as I am new to everything, please take no offense to my wording or phrasing regarding this illness and those who have it, as I am still learning

Like most people who aren't aware of the disorder and the behaviors associated with it, I was confused and pretty traumatized by her abrupt leaving. She wasn't like some of the horror stories I read about on here, she acted in and was very subtle and nonconfrontational in her manipulations. It wasn't until after our breakup, and the last few months leading up to it, I really noticed things were wrong. Her sudden change in appearance, starting to smoke, leaving her daughter for long periods of time so she could go party, hot/cold, excessive spending, and then the onslaught of lies.

When she left, she said she felt crazy and needed to have some time to get herself together but said we were still engaged. Over the next two months she kept up the illusion we were engaged (only to me), while on social media she took her engagement status down and started posting selfies without her ring on while at the club or at dates with "friends". Obviously this bothered me and I began to question her, but the more I questioned her the more it pushed her away until finally,two months later , I told her we should put the engagement off and be friends until she figures herself out. Our last conversation didnt go well and I ended up blowing up on her, I guess all those suppressed feelings of being betrayed and lied to just spilled out. I haven't heard from her after that and 3 weeks later she's now in a relationship w my replacement.

After all this and the education I've gotten about the disorder from this site and others, I wanted to reach out and apologize for my outburst and also let her know I forgive her, as this would help me in the closure process. I truly don't see her as a bad person (moreso as someone with a mental illness) and both of our kids fell in love with us as stepparents, and we had 4 yrs invested in our relationship. I guess my question is how would I reach out to her being painted black at this point and her in the idealization phase of this new relationship? Also, is it possible for an ex with BPD to view you in a "friend" light, or are we destined to be viewed as discarded hosts for possible recycles?
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OnceConfused
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« Reply #1 on: February 03, 2015, 09:16:11 AM »

You don't need her permission to forgive her. The act of forgiveness is yours to give not hers. You are in control of your life, your emotion and that the way it should be. Don't forgive just so that you can have an excuse to go back to her, because the same issues will surface again.  I think many of us make the mistakes of separating the BPD illness from the person as an excuse for their malicious behaviors. BPD is not an illness like a cold where you can rest for a few days or take a pill and the illness will go away. BPD is perhaps a part of a person personality and psyche, formed when one was very young by his/her environment (lack of parental care, continual abuse ... .). It like speaking Russian when growing up in Russia but now one wants to speak English at the age of 30. It is not that easy.

It seems to me that she has been on the way out of your r/s with all the indications that you mentioned. Prepare yourself for that finality. Once you accept that finality then you will be in a good position even if you want to go back to her. You won't let yourself hurt again and be able to see things in a much clearer view.

Interestingly, my xBPDgf exhibited similar behaviors. Toward the end of our r/s, even when we still were having intimate contacts every other days, she began the process of finding my new replacement. I think she was trying to quickly fill the void or the fear of abandonment as she slowly replaced me. Luckily, I saw that and I pull the triggers first. That way I left the r.s not as a victim of her but as a liberator of my own attachment to her.


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Splitblack4good
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
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« Reply #2 on: February 06, 2015, 03:49:58 PM »

This happened to me aswell my now ex BPD gf started going out partying with her new freinds and spending all the time she could with them during the day the last month of our relaitionship she went cold on me wasnt responding to texts or calls as much just noticed a major change in her the lies got bigger and more often . Then I think she either got bored with us or sensed abandonment we agreed also to be freinds and have a break however she always knew that within 3-5 months she always fell out with new groups of freinds and even looked me in the eye that day and said she would have a feeling she would regret it . Funny thing is she panicked 2 days later out of panic ended up pushing me to the point of ending it for good then the next day just grabbed a guy (my replacement ) that she only met once and is a freind to the new freinds she dropped me for . Now 3 months on she has fallen out with everyone as I predicted but still with replacement although from what I gather it's not going well and conflict between them and his freinds is hostile ! And I've had an influx of calls and texts this week early hours of the morning looking for sympathy and started blaming me for it all ( no suprise there ) I ignored them all now she's blamimg the new guy for wanting to date her as an excuse but was her that grabbed him 24 hours after the B/U out of fears of being alone ! Her contact has gone from blaming and angry to wanting to be freinds and asking and hoping I'm ok etc and unblocked me from what's app etc I'm not 100% sure if she's devaluing him right now I know there arguments have got bigger and more regular I'm just letting her get on with it . I wanted her back and chased her (big mistake ) for 2 months but pushed her further away as soon as I went NC and acted indifferent and moving on I started to hear from her .
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cloudten
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« Reply #3 on: February 06, 2015, 08:41:49 PM »

You don't need her permission to forgive her. The act of forgiveness is yours to give not hers. You are in control of your life, your emotion and that the way it should be. Don't forgive just so that you can have an excuse to go back to her, because the same issues will surface again.  I think many of us make the mistakes of separating the BPD illness from the person as an excuse for their malicious behaviors. BPD is not an illness like a cold where you can rest for a few days or take a pill and the illness will go away. BPD is perhaps a part of a person personality and psyche


Interestingly, my xBPDgf exhibited similar behaviors. Toward the end of our r/s, even when we still were having intimate contacts every other days, she began the process of finding my new replacement. I think she was trying to quickly fill the void or the fear of abandonment as she slowly replaced me. Luckily, I saw that and I pull the triggers first. That way I left the r.s not as a victim of her but as a liberator of my own attachment to her.

2 comments... .love this btw.

Forgiveness is for you... .not for her. It keeps you from holding anger and resentment in your soul. You don't have to talk to her or communicate with her to forgive her. I highly recommend it if you can. My experience with forgiving my BPD in person/email/text/phone has never been positive. It's like forgiving or talking to to a brick wall. He didn't know what to do with it or how to process it. He didn't respond with anything except "ok". so, you may feel like you need yo tell her in person, but don't be surprised if you get nothing in return.

Intimate contact/replacement at the end. Mine did this to me too. I am not sure much more in my life has been more painful than my replacement.
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apollotech
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 792


« Reply #4 on: February 24, 2015, 01:13:24 PM »

Forgive her and move on with your life. Forgiveness is as much for the Forgiver as it is for the Forgiven, maybe more so. As someone stated earlier, you forgiving her will rid you of anger and resentment towards her... .those things are just toxic in anyone's life and should be promptly discarded.

Your ex, like mine, has a mental disorder which is wrecking her life, regardless of whether she sees it or not, you see it and know that it's occurring. Think of the things that she will never experience in life because of her disorder, things that you and I daily take for granted. The life that a pwBPD leads/has is its own punishment.
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Seekingtruth84
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« Reply #5 on: February 24, 2015, 07:46:59 PM »

Thank you guys for you honest words, they've been a blessing to say the least. To give you guys an update, I'm doing much better and pretty much back to feeling as "normal" as one can after going through something like this. I pretty much let the 5 stages of grief run their course until one day I realized exactly who and what I was actually mourning. It kind of just clicked. I'm sure the anti-depressants had something to do with it as well. Im not 100%, and I still have a faint glimmer of her in my mind every day, but I've forgiven her and remained no contact with no real desire of communicating. It's pretty much an out of sight, out of mind thing at this point. I've dived back into my career, been working out, and just trying to prioritize that which truly matters in my life. At this point I'm pretty leery about giving my heart to another woman, so unlike a lot of people suggest, I haven't been trying to date really. The "anniversary" of our engagement is coming up soon so I think that will be somewhat of a test, but honestly I think it will be fine.

Her Grandmother reached out to me a few days ago to check on me and update me about her "strange"behavior. She had mentioned that she's still neglecting her child and lying etc. which breaks my heart because I still love her child as my own, but I definitely see how self-destructive and toxic this illness has caused her to be. I realize what happened was for the best. I think some people may be strong enough or clever enough to recognize behaviors in their BPDpartner and respond accordingly for the sake of their relationship, but I can honestly say I'm not one of them.

I
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