My husband, my room mate

[Notwendy]

My H is very territorial about what he believes is "his" stuff. That's fine with me to a certain extent. We should all have our own personal stuff and areas, including the kids. I don't take my kids' toys, clothing, etc, I don't want anyone taking my personal belongings.

However, he behaves more as if we were room mates than a family. I remember in college that it would be a problem if one room mate ate everyone else's food, without contributing to the cost or buying some too. However, we are a family and the food budget includes all of us. I do understand that my H would want to have some of his own favorite foods, I do too, but I found that the best way to manage this is for him to have an extra fridge that is his, and his own shelves on the pantry. If anyone takes something of his, he is sure to notice and to ask " who ate MY ______?".

I don't work that way. With a family, especially older kids, I have no idea who eats how many cookies and it isn't an issue for me as long as they eat healthy meals and they are in good health, normal weight, at the doctors, which they are. So I have no need to monitor the cookies. I can understand if my H is disappointed when someone eats the cookies he likes, but if I notice that the cookies are gone, I just think well, time to buy more.

The more he gets his own space, things, the more the boundary moves to more things. He hasn't raged at me in a while, thanks to the lessons here. However, it's a cycle which means when he gets irritated, he starts poking at me to get a reaction so he can let it out and blame me for it.

It was mentioned on another thread that caretakers are attracted to people with BP that they can rescue and it gives them a sense of "power up". My H is an enigma in that he is both. He has to have power up, which results in him saying things that are condescending and judgemental to me. If I react, then that opens the road for a full blame me for it rage, keeping him in the blameless power up position. To everyone else- at work and his family, he is the "hero" the rescuer, the good guy, but with me, he wants to be taken care of: cooked for, nurtured, loved, but he is not so willing to do this in return as this make him feel as if he is being told what to do like a servant in his mind. He wants to be the one served.

So yesterday, he was irritable and pushing buttons. I didn't bite. He was aggravated that we were out of paper towels. I was not aware that we were, nor was I aware that he had bought some of them. However, he then announced that he had bought some and that someone had taken his paper towels (huh? that was news to me, I thought paper towels were just there and would buy some when I went out. ). He did go to the store and buy some- and they are his towels. Now, I suppose I will need to go get some more and leave his alone.

He also was poking at everything I said. I asked a question about one of our kids, to which he replied "You already asked about kid" yes, I did, but I wanted to know more information. So I just dropped the subject. We drove by a neighbors house and I remembered that the kid had been attending college and so I said, just to make conversation, "He's at college X now" to which the reply was " I told you that two months ago, do you not remember that? ". Well no, I had heard about the college but I had heard it from friends, his family and other people too. I was not making some kind of statement he didn't know, but just chit chatting" I simply replied that I appologize for not remembering"  and let the conversation go as it wasn't worth getting into it or explaining (JADE).

So, great, no escalation because I didn't bite the bait. I really don't care enough about the neighbor kid or the paper towels to make it into anything. He can think what he thinks ( he's going to regardless).

I don't get the room mate thing, except that his FOO is enmeshed and I think he keeps all kinds of barriers to avoid feeling that. However, our home is slowly being divided into his stuff/the family stuff(me and the kids) and the boundary keeps moving. In the grand scheme of things, I don't much care. He can have his own house if he wants to have everything in his space all to himself ( He's not going to move though) as long as we have our family space too. It's just wierd to me.

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[Cat Familiar]

He has to have power up, which results in him saying things that are condescending and judgemental to me. If I react, then that opens the road for a full blame me for it rage, keeping him in the blameless power up position... .He also was poking at everything I said. I asked a question about one of our kids, to which he replied "You already asked about kid" yes, I did, but I wanted to know more information. So I just dropped the subject. We drove by a neighbors house and I remembered that the kid had been attending college and so I said, just to make conversation, "He's at college X now" to which the reply was " I told you that two months ago, do you not remember that? ". Well no, I had heard about the college but I had heard it from friends, his family and other people too. I was not making some kind of statement he didn't know, but just chit chatting" I simply replied that I appologize for not remembering"  and let the conversation go as it wasn't worth getting into it or explaining (JADE)... .So, great, no escalation because I didn't bite the bait. I really don't care enough about the neighbor kid or the paper towels to make it into anything. He can think what he thinks ( he's going to regardless).

This scenario plays out at our house when my husband is itching to start an argument with me. It's ironic that he has the memory of a gnat when it comes to things that he's not interested in, but if I repeat myself or forget some bit of trivial information, then he becomes imperious, in a similar fashion as your husband's comment, chastising me for not remembering. I think that he enjoys the "one-up" moments when he's felt that I've been critical or judgmental about him (often only in his imagination).

In my husband's case, I think it's due to the excessive internal self-flagellation he regularly inflicts over inconsequential things. For example, a couple of days ago, he was going to the market and he asked if I needed anything. I know better than to give him a list of several things (that can cause a meltdown), so I said I'd need frozen peas (just one item). Yesterday morning I was planning dinner and looked in the freezer for the peas, which weren't there. "I thought you bought peas," I said. He apologized profusely and I know he felt really badly over something that to me was of no importance since my errands would take me near a grocery store anyway. I asked what else he needed at the store and left. When I returned, he was very sweet, but it was almost "guilty-sweet"--my sense was that he was relieved that I didn't seem bothered that I had to make an extra trip to the store because he forgot the peas. I know he regularly beats himself up for really unimportant stuff and that's why he's so pained by anything that even resembles criticism.

[formflier]

 

Might be worth a "help me understand... ." conversation about what stuff is his... .ours... .and yours... .etc etc.

After he is done drawing his boundaries... .if some are clearly being drawn around "family" things as his... .I would send it back his way... .with a "help me understand where we can compromise here... ."

don't suggest a compromise... let him suggest it.  

Or let him be clear that there is NO compromise... .if that is his position... .(you guessed it... )  back to needing help understanding which paper towels are his and yours.  

I would demonstrate flexibility... extreme flexibility by offering to get two rolls of towels... one he can use... and one for you.

Why "feed" this?  

Well... .you either will get crystal clear boundaries... .yet ridiculous ones... .or... he will see it as ridiculous... .and compromise... or back down.

If you get crystal clear... but ridiculous boundaries... .and then he starts disregarding them... .back to needing help understanding why his boundaries aren't any good anymore.

How is it that you respect his boundaries... but he doesn't respect his own

[Cat Familiar]

Might be worth a "help me understand... ." conversation about what stuff is his... .ours... .and yours... .etc etc.

After he is done drawing his boundaries... .if some are clearly being drawn around "family" things as his... .I would send it back his way... .with a "help me understand where we can compromise here... ."

don't suggest a compromise... let him suggest it.  

Or let him be clear that there is NO compromise... .if that is his position... .(you guessed it... )  back to needing help understanding which paper towels are his and yours.  

I would demonstrate flexibility... extreme flexibility by offering to get two rolls of towels... one he can use... and one for you.

Why "feed" this?  

Well... .you either will get crystal clear boundaries... .yet ridiculous ones... .or... he will see it as ridiculous... .and compromise... or back down.

If you get crystal clear... but ridiculous boundaries... .and then he starts disregarding them... .back to needing help understanding why his boundaries aren't any good anymore.

How is it that you respect his boundaries... but he doesn't respect his own

Good advice, Formflier. My husband has his own studio. I make no decisions there about how he keeps it. If he wants to let the dust bunnies grow big as rats, so be it. I think a lot of pwBPD were so damaged by FOO stuff that they need to have extra autonomy about stuff the rest of us take for granted (like sharing paper towels).

[Notwendy]

FF, I do indulge his boundaries. I've cleared shelves in the pantry that are clearly his, shelves in the fridge, and he even has his own food stash and small fridge in his man den. This started because I do buy healthy food, and he likes junk food and that was tempting to the kids. I don't mind them having some treats, either, I'm not really a control freak when it comes to food, but it became evident that they needed to know which cookies were ours, and which ones were his.

It's the moving boundary without warning. I just kept the towels in the pantry. I usually don't run out, but we've been busy. That isn't a crisis, - we have cloth dishtowels and paper napkins until I get to the store. However, today I learned that I got into his towels. It may not even be about the towels but him looking to pick a fight.

Boundaries are important, especially relationship boundaries and personal items, but I also consider the relationship and what is worth picking about. Things like paper towels, I could care less about. If we run out, so what, I'll get more. The cost of ruining a relationship to me is much higher than the worth of a paper towel- even with a room mate- so this kind of thinking - who took my paper towels- is entirely foreign to me.

But I don't think any of this is really about the towels, or the food, because if it was, then the separate fridge, pantry space and even keeping two rolls of towels doesn't solve it. The boundary keeps moving. I think it is finding some way for him to deal with feeling either not important ( I should remember his questions, his stuff, his paper towels) or some other bad feeling. The way the conversation went yesterday was all about this ( you didn't remember what I said, you took my paper towels, if you cared about me, you'd have bought towels... .)

Cat said "I know he regularly beats himself up for really unimportant stuff and that's why he's so pained by anything that even resembles criticism."- my H does this and so did his dad get all over his case for everything, so he is always beating himself up about something. Sometimes I get to be the one he thinks is beating him up. I tend to get sensitive too, since mom would blow up sometimes at anything she perceived to be someone persecuting her.

[formflier]

 

This is not an issue that I would ever advise a "non" to pursue out of the blue... .

But... since her hubby is bringing it up... .and "pushing it"... .go with it.

If he pushes back... ."why bring it up?"... .it was his choice to bring up issue.

[Notwendy]

My H has a man den in the basement, and his own office, his own small fridge, his own closets, his shelves on the pantry and in the fridge where he has his food.

I have half way joked about how we should consider a duplex- with one side being his, the other side ours.

[Notwendy]

FF, good point, but yesterday he was rumbling to rage... and so anything I said back would have lit the fire.

He was also acting needy. He came to me for instructions to heat up some leftovers. He knows how to do this. I've showed him many times. It does irritate me, and so, I might have replied with a sense of being irritated, but that would be taking the bait.

I just showed him one more time how to do it, and then went on and did my own thing. I know what set him off. I was on the computer a lot doing things for work. He hates that. I could see him getting irritated. He also hasn't been given a good outlet to blame me for a rage and was poking at me.  Hoewver, we did go out later in the afternoon and watch the superbowl, so I didn't ignore him all day.

[formflier]

 

notwendy,

I wouldn't drop the towel issue... .I wouldn't let him pick a fight about it either.

He's made it a boundary issue... .stick with that... .make sure you let him "fully explain it"... .since you love him and want to support his boundaries... .

Then... .it will be your turn... . to fully explain one of yours.

It has nothing to do with the paper towels... .it's about the concept.  He handed you a golden opportunity to "illustrate" the emotionally healthy way to conduct a r/s... .I recommend going for it.

I have had success by "running with" some things that my wife has brought up... .but were too perfect to let go.

Now that I have the knowledge... .I can use that to manage the conversation... and keep it positive... .or leave.

I have the persistence to keep bringing it up... .because it matters to her... .and I want to support and "understand" her position... .

[formflier]

FF, good point, but yesterday he was rumbling to rage... and so anything I said back would have lit the fire.

Hopefully you are feeling confident enough... .that if the fire lights... .you know what to do. 

It's not your fault... .in way... avoiding a possible light... .could be enabling... .that is complex... .so not always the best course.

But... .if he is going to light it about something like paper towels... .don't stand in his way... .

[Notwendy]

Good point. I will buy some more towels, put his in his space and validate his need for this. Then I can also ask him. It was an opportunity, but I could tell he was disregulated at that moment, and there is nothing that gets through to him at that time. I also agree not to just let these things go.

[Notwendy]

I agree that all the separation and going along with it is a form of enabling, but I really don't care how he wants it. If this is what he needs to deal with his fears of engulfment, then that's his issues. I guess it depends on the relationship goals for both of us. I have found that we get along better when he has some degree of separation. This kind of thing bothered me initially because I had some vision that a married couple would be closer, but getting too close to him usually results in an unpleasant situation for me. So this is also something that benefits me.

I don't think that relationships like this are going to fit our ideas of what is normal, but we can decide what our priorities are. We do honor the basic tenents of what a marriage is. I expect to be treated in a certain manner- not raged at, no verbal abuse. So if his keeping a lot of things separate allows us to maintain that, he can have it, even if I think it's a bit odd.

[Notwendy]

I'm also aware that he's rumbling for a rage and is so finding some kind of fault in things that I do, like finding some meaning in a question about a neighbor's child as evidence that I'm not listening to him ( doing something to him). If he's going to rage, he's going to rage... the best I can do is handle it.

I'm mostly trying to understand this behavior- living in a family almost as someone not related to the family- as if we had a person renting part of the house and not sharing things like food and paper towels. Has anyone experienced this?

My mom is super possessive too. Heaven help us if she finds we put something in the wrong place when we are at her house. It turns into that we did it on purpose- out to get her- instead of just accidentally putting something back in the wrong place. It is more peaceful if we don't stay there at all, since she will find something we did if we do.

[Cat Familiar]

I agree that all the separation and going along with it is a form of enabling, but I really don't care how he wants it. If this is what he needs to deal with his fears of engulfment, then that's his issues. I guess it depends on the relationship goals for both of us. I have found that we get along better when he has some degree of separation. This kind of thing bothered me initially because I had some vision that a married couple would be closer, but getting too close to him usually results in an unpleasant situation for me. So this is also something that benefits me.

I don't think that relationships like this are going to fit our ideas of what is normal, but we can decide what our priorities are. We do honor the basic tenents of what a marriage is. I expect to be treated in a certain manner- not raged at, no verbal abuse. So if his keeping a lot of things separate allows us to maintain that, he can have it, even if I think it's a bit odd.

When my husband and I started the big addition to the small house I built years ago, I was the one who decided that he should have his own studio and I'm glad I did. At the time I realized that it would drive me a bit crazy to live with someone after so many years of being on my own. I wanted to be able to put something down and find it in the same place and I didn't want my piles of stuff to be messed with and I didn't want somebody else's piles of stuff to intrude upon my organizational system. (I was aware of my OCD before I could understand that I had it.)

Now I'm so glad that we have our own spaces. I insisted that there be no TV in the house, no big stereo system. I like quiet and nature sounds when I open the windows. I don't want human-created noise. It's not that I don't like music or TV, it's just that I don't want that to be the background noise of my life--and that's where my husband and I differ. I like tuning into my internal states, being with myself, thinking my thoughts, feeling my feelings. I'm my own best friend and I love myself.

My husband, on the other hand, is always muttering expletives under his breath. When I used to ask him what's wrong, he'd tell me that it was just something he did, or thought or forgot. So I can understand his constant need for distraction through TV, movies, books, magazines, music. It's not comfortable just sitting alone with his thoughts. Even when he used to meditate, it had to be a highly complex system--one that he was proud of how much he knew. (UGH--spiritual pride is the worst!)

Anyway, I don't mean to hijack your thread, but I think there is something important about your husband having his own stuff--some kind of identity issue apart from you and the kids. And yes, being in a working relationship with a pwBPD is going to be odd--no doubt about it. It's almost like your husband is individuating like he is a teenager developmentally. So I really think you're onto something by labeling it as a roommate issue. Maybe you can start writing his name on a portion of the eggs. (Snark)  

[Notwendy]

LOL, he has his own eggs!

Yes, I agree. His family is enmeshed. I've noticed this with my teens- their need to have their own space, their own stuff. However, I am the family cook and so far, nobody wants me to not share what I cook... .they love to eat it.

My kids know how to cook, but my H flat out refuses and also will hardly offer to cook for anyone but himself. He will grill steaks, and scramble eggs- and offer to cook some for me if he is cooking for himself. However, me making food for him is a big deal. His mom took total care of his dad that way, and also was very stoic, so food=love in his FOO.

This explains why he feels loved if I heat up his leftovers, and also feels rejected if I refuse. This may play into having his own food too. Maybe if he shares his food, it's something like enmeshment to him.

I don't mind that he has his own space ,or that he spends time pursuing things on his own. I've come to appreciate that space too, since it is more peaceful for me.

I'm completely opposite- pretty laid back about whose food is whose. Even when I was in college, I was fine with sharing, unless it got to the mooching stage, but that rarely happened. Mostly I had room mates who pitched in and shared too.

[formflier]

 

Cat... .I'll continue the hijack!   

I hate tv... .and distractions... .and my wife love it.  Right now... .she is "winning.". and the tv is on way to much.

But... .I count myself lucky... .a visit to her foo is about everyone being in same room to watch tv together...

Then... .when they really want to bond... .the decide which rooms to go to together... to watch "their own" show.

That's closeness.

Actually having an undistracted conversation in that family is a rare thing...

Sigh...

[formflier]

If this is what he needs to deal with his fears of engulfment, then that's his issues. 

One comment... .if you are fine with this... .then let it rest.  But... .I suspect since you mentioned it... .you are really not fine with it.

If you don't "appease" this... .or you go along with this in a manner that makes him have to explain himself... .or deal with his frustrations... .he just may get some T... .and move things forward.  Or... .he may not.

My point... or my strategy... .is that whenever my wife hands me an issue... .I try to run with it for all it's worth... .as long as I am running towards a more emotionally healthy place.

But... that is my strategy... .it has severed me well up to this point.

It may... .or may not be something you can blend into your strategy.

[Cat Familiar]

This explains why he feels loved if I heat up his leftovers, and also feels rejected if I refuse... .I've come to appreciate that space too, since it is more peaceful for me.

I'm completely opposite- pretty laid back about whose food is whose. Even when I was in college, I was fine with sharing, unless it got to the mooching stage, but that rarely happened. Mostly I had room mates who pitched in and shared too.

My husband does the "helpless" thing too when he wants me to do stuff for him--like make him an espresso or figure out how to get the stain out of a shirt. I've told him countless times how to do a variety of things, but then he always "forgets"--funny how that's OK, but if I don't remember what he said, it's a big deal. Like the other day, I mentioned what a neighbor had said about doing the road repair on our private road as a starting point and he rudely interrupted me until I said, "Yes, but I'm just introducing the topic because there's more information you haven't heard yet."

I don't have the patience of a saint and the pettiness and helplessness occasionally drives me crazy, particularly when the tolerance is not reciprocated.

[Notwendy]

I'll hijack it too.

Actually having a conversation about anything is a rarity in my H's FOO.

But they all eat together, sometimes in silence, but they eat. Sometimes they have a competition over who can eat the most rolls. Who gets to the food first and who gets the most is a competition. Sometimes they make snarky comments to each other to see if they can get a reaction out of them.

The family did grow up poor, with just enough food at the table for everyone to get some. However, to get seconds you had to eat the fastest and get there first. It's odd now that they are adults and nobody thankfully is starving. In fact, there is a ton of food at the get togethers. Most are fortunate to have high metabolisms.

Maybe this plays into the nobody gets my food thing. In his FOO, he who has the most food wins. Maybe taking someone's food has some kind of emotional meaning.

[Notwendy]

I would say that my H forgets a large part of what I say to him. He will ask me where my meeting is, what time it is, no matter how many times I say it. But heaven help me if I forget something he said to me... .or thinks he said.

[Cat Familiar]

I would say that my H forgets a large part of what I say to him. He will ask me where my meeting is, what time it is, no matter how many times I say it. But heaven help me if I forget something he said to me... .or thinks he said.

Isn't that amazing? It's like we're soo disrespecting them if we don't remember every mumbling or mind read every thought they have. Mine gets upset if I can't hear something. I'll be running the blender and he'll say something and I'll ask him to repeat it because I didn't hear and that's enough for him to get irritated.

[formflier]

 Notwendy,

I've got a thought... .

What if you doubled... .or tripled down on "doing food" for your hubby... .think of it as exponential validation.

Do you think that would soften him up... make him more flexible in areas that you want some changes?

[Cat Familiar]

Notwendy,

I've got a thought... .

What if you doubled... .or tripled down on "doing food" for your hubby... .think of it as exponential validation.

Do you think that would soften him up... make him more flexible in areas that you want some changes?

If he's anything like mine, it just re-sets the level of expectations. I had to quit cooking for a while because he took it for granted until he had to start making things himself. Yesterday he made guacamole for his SuperBowl snack. He had no idea how time consuming it was all the years I did it for him.

[Notwendy]

Actually, FF, over time, I have become more detached to my H's issues. I would like to understand him better- from the standpoint of being his partner and also so that I don't take things as personally as I did. If I know that his abandonment issues are his issues, then I can let go of them.

I used to feel the need to ask him about these things, but he has iron clad boundaries. Any personal question- sometimes any question- will feel like a violation to him. Maybe its a male/female thing. I don't mind as much being asked why I think or do something, but that question to my H does not work, and after years of trying, I realize it hurts me more to ask than to let it go.

I think you are striving for some sort of intimacy with your wife, and I agree with that. However, my wishes for that kind of thing didn't lead to anything that I consider happy for me- just awful rages.

My goal now is to accept that intimacy is going to be on his terms, since he can only do what he chooses to do. I'm more concerned with not being raged at or subjected to verbal abuse.

[Notwendy]

Same as Cat said.

In fact the more I behave as the loving domestic caring wife, the more contemptuous he behaves. The more caring behavior I indulge him in, the more hateful he acts towards me.

This is the hitch. He identifies with his dad, but his mother is codependent and controlling- plays the role of the all loving mom, but with enmeshment and control. My H finds that being in his father's role- the gruff king of the house with mama scuttling around waiting on him hand and foot, is validating to him. However, when I step into mama's role, his reaction is to separate from me, and push me away.

I get to be either mom or dad to him in his mind.- the critical invalidating dad, or the endulfing mom. I try to just be me.

[Cat Familiar]

Same as Cat said.

In fact the more I behave as the loving domestic caring wife, the more contemptuous he behaves. The more caring behavior I indulge him in, the more hateful he acts towards me.

This is the hitch. He identifies with his dad, but his mother is codependent and controlling- plays the role of the all loving mom, but with enmeshment and control. My H finds that being in his father's role- the gruff king of the house with mama scuttling around waiting on him hand and foot, is validating to him. However, when I step into mama's role, his reaction is to separate from me, and push me away.

I get to be either mom or dad to him in his mind.- the critical invalidating dad, or the endulfing mom. I try to just be me.

My husband had a similar FOO dynamic: raging narcissistic dad who was constantly invalidating and criticizing and sweet, ineffectual mom. It's horrifying to see him echo his father's behavior, particularly since he was so critical of and hurt by his dad, but when he does that superiority act, it's like talking to his dad.

[Notwendy]

Yes, same here, but I've also dealt with mama. She's overall a nice lady, but she has a controlling side too. Since she couldn't stand up to dad, she's passive agressive. She also controlled things with her caretaking. She's also pretty cold and stoic.

One of my secret wishes when I got married was that maybe my MIL would be more like the mom I wished I had to me. On the outside she looks like that, but I don't want his mama either.

I've told him what I think of his dad, which he either agrees with or turns on me for being critical. However, I have joked to him that if he turns into his dad, I'm going to turn into my mom.    and he's seen my mom in action.

[formflier]

 

Hey... .choices are powerful... .I'm fine with people making choices to keep status quo... .  My hope is that they are realizing they are doing that.

When nons upset the status quo... .it "forces" the pwBPD to change their game... .hopefully with tools and T... .it can be pushed to a more hopeful... emotionally healthy place.

I've been in a feisty mood for a couple of months... .I've been pitched some fastballs... .which I think I have knocked out of the park... .whether the changes stick... we'll see.

I still have no idea what my wife was really thinking when she sent me a naked pic of another woman... yet was accusing me of wanting this woman and that woman... .etc etc.

I think it was so embarrassing for her in MC... .she just accepted the new boundary... .and has stuck with it. 

No discussions of my desires for other women... .zero.

My life is immensely better.  I'm sure some of the pent up stress is showing up in other places... .I see my job as making sure that stress gets flicked back on her... .for her to learn to deal with... .instead of toss or blame on other people.

So... that's my theory... .and why I give advice the way I do.

I'm sure at some point... .I will decide some things aren't worth it... .but... for now... I'm feisty... .

 

[formflier]

 

Oh... .yeah... .she paints her mom black... most of time. 

She is right.

She unfortunately... .has some of those tendencies... .same as her mom.

I have seen the future.  I will not be married to someone that is anything close to her mom.

Which... is one reason why I am feisty.

To her credit... .my wife is the "pick of the litter"... .she really is. But... it is a spectrum thing... .I just need to push her back towards normal.

[Notwendy]

FF, I think I am in a different place with this than you are.

I don't have to paint my mom black- she does it to herself- done some pretty crazy stuff- she's at the end of the spectrum where one just can't hide it, but this doesn't mean she doesn't have some good qualities. One aspect is that dad was the caretaker and the rescuer, and mom was the one who was cared for. My H is not signing up to be anyone's caretaker. Like his dad, he wants to be married to one, so someone like my mom is the last person they'd want to be married to.

Where I saw the future get scary was how much my dad took care of my mom, and how helpless he allowed her to be. The paradox with me is that while my H wants to be taken care of, he also wants to be in control. He also doesn't tolerate any sense of helplessness in me. Asking him to do anything for me is likely to provoke a rage. However, he is the rescuer and hero for everyone else. When he gets home, he feels he's earned my cartaking for him. It's like he wears himself out doing for others who do not return his investment and that somehow entitles him to be mainly on the receiving end of that with me.

I burned myself out emotionally doing for this man in hopes of receiving just a little back of that stuff he gives to others and gave to me when we were dating. I lost myself and my sense of self. Ocasionally, he'd get my hopes up by giving me just enough to keep me hoping for more.

The only thing that would have made a difference for my parents would have been if dad had gotten some control of his codependent caretaking behavior. Mom was not motivate to change no matter what, and neither is my H.Note that that behavior only was about my mom, as he expected us kids to take care of ourselves. I don't think I even know what it is like to be with someone who really loves me in a healthy way, but my H does give me the best he can, that I believe, and he does work hard to support us.

I have come to accept that he is doing the best I can, and now, I wish to focus on me. If this means having the house divided in two, with his stuff and my stuff, so be it, but I can't be concerned about his emotional stuff anymore. I need to work on me.