How to go no contact when kids are involved?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I cannot see how it is possible to go no contact when children are involved. My backstory... .

I am planning on leaving my wife of 6 years. I have a step daughter who is now 13 and I love her so much.

My biggest fear about leaving that I can think of is that I know for a fact that if I leave I will not be allowed to interact with my stepdaughter. But I might have to give up on being part of her life so I can save mine. How did you get around this fear and is it me overdramatizing it and living in fear of something that might not be as bad as I think?

One of my best friends said ":)ude she is not really your daughter". I know he is trying to help but it does not feel like a good justification to me. She is more like me than either of her biological parents. That is how much of an effect I have had on her life.

[propunchingbag]

I cannot see how it is possible to go no contact when children are involved. My backstory... .

I am planning on leaving my wife of 6 years. I have a step daughter who is now 13 and I love her so much.

My biggest fear about leaving that I can think of is that I know for a fact that if I leave I will not be allowed to interact with my stepdaughter. But I might have to give up on being part of her life so I can save mine. How did you get around this fear and is it me overdramatizing it and living in fear of something that might not be as bad as I think?

One of my best friends said ":)ude she is not really your daughter". I know he is trying to help but it does not feel like a good justification to me. She is more like me than either of her biological parents. That is how much of an effect I have had on her life.

[Turkish]

That's very invalidating... .you've known your SD half of her life and helped raise her. It's like when people used to ask me, being adopted, "so who are your real parents?" Oh, you mean the two drug users and alcoholics who were in love with their addictions more than me so they gave up Baby Turkish?

The implication by what you write is that your SD seems differentiated from her BPD mother, unlike many children of pwBPD who are enmeshed or even on the way to being BPD themselves. Though this might get into tricky legal territory, can you talk to your SD as the process progresses and perhaps establish a way to stay in touch?

No matter how mature, 13 is a tender age. It's a given that things will escalate and that she might be drawn into the drama of divorce. You know your step daughter. What do you think is best for her, and how can you balance this with doing ultimately what is best for you while you protect yourself?

[livednlearned]

You are a great dad.   That girl is lucky she had you in her life.

If you were her bio dad, then you would adopt what we call parallel parenting. It's treating each home like a separate kingdom with its own laws, own army, own customs. Only if they encroach on your borders or do harm to one of your citizens (the kids) do you seek legal recourse.

But you are her step dad, so there won't be any custody order. You'll have to learn some very creative tactics for staying engaged in her life.

If I were in your shoes, I think I would read everything in Lesson 5 about raising a resilient kid -----> and maybe some of the material in Lesson 6 on parental alienation. Your stbxw is likely going to deploy some of those tactics. She probably sees her D13 as an extension of herself, and therefore if your wife splits you black, she will expect D13 to split you black too. If D13 doesn't go along with that, she risks being blasted in one way or another.

One of the most valuable things I learned (wish I could remember where it was from) is teaching kids the difference between lying, keeping secrets, privacy, withholding information, and forgetting things. I had to do this with my son (11 at the time) because I didn't want to ask him to do something morally ambiguous. Even though he needed to do some morally ambiguous things. For example, I didn't want son to tell his dad things about what was going on in my life because that put me in harm's way. I also didn't want S13 to think he was lying. When you do this with kids, you help them see how these things have specific contexts. Sometimes it is important to withhold information. Some things are private. Some thing are secrets. And of course, sometimes, things are lies.

It's also a way to teach kids about boundaries in a concrete way. So I would bring up scenarios and then ask S13 if it was a case of lying, secrets, privacy, etc. Sometimes it was complex, and a few things were going on. He liked this exercise for some reason. I didn't tell him why I was doing it (private  )

Your SD13 may need to figure out creative ways to keep you in her life. If she is fearful of her mom's rages, then help her figure out how to run the gauntlet so she can minimize conflict with her mom, while still having you in her life.

[propunchingbag]

Thank you both for getting back to me so fast. Its one of the reasons I am on this board.

My D13's father is OCD, NPD, ADHD. So both houses for her have boundary crossers. We tried counseling for her so she could learn how to cope but she does not trust the counselor to keep her communication private. Her bio Dad even said he would be checking in with the counselor to find out whats up. That closed the lid on her saying anything at all to her counselor. Basically it has turned into a $100 per hour hang out session with a counselor trying to break through to her.

I will take your advice and read the sections you mentioned and have a talk with her.

She knows her dad and her mom have issues. Mostly because they tell on each other and use their issues to blame each other for things. At this point her coping strategy is that she agrees with them on everything. This will minimize the verbal abuse which seems to be working, but may be damaging to her in the long run. I know she would have to go along with what her mom says about me as a survival strategy and I am fine with that. I just hope she does not start to believe her lies completely. I was brainwashed for a while and now the FOG is lifting, it was hard to find my way out of it. At 13 it could be impossible.

I feel like I am staying in the r/s with my wife to protect D13 from raging at her. We are like teammates in an ugly battle with two dysfunctional people. The poor kid! At least I get what is happening clearly as an adult. She does not really understand what is wrong.

Through all of this nonsense she remains a great student and great daughter. I am concerned that if I am not in the picture that could all change.

At least it is becoming clear why I have stayed in this mess for the last 5 years. But I have to leave soon so I am trying to make a plan to make it easier on myself and her. This really sucks!

[livednlearned]

It's going to be tricky.

You don't want to tell SD13 you're leaving before you tell her mom, I would imagine?

And SD13 will have her own feelings about you leaving. Her mom will likely throw you under the bus, and may tell lies about you.

I had a SS from my marriage and loved him -- a great guy. He's an adult, so I could've stayed in touch without N/BPDx stopping that from happening. But I didn't persist. It was a whirlwind of intense emotions after the split, including fear, and I had S13 to focus on. It breaks my heart that former SS is no longer in my life  :'(

How do you envision being able to stay in her life? Any creative ideas?

[david]

I have ss's from my marriage with my ex. It is different than your situation because they were in their 20's when we divorced. One has a substance abuse issue and does not speak to me or his brothers. The other ss's and I have a great relationship. I don't know how it would have played out if they were 13 though.

If you have a pretty good relationship with sd13 now it may continue but you will have to be creative because her mom will view it as abandonment if sd has contact with you. It is black and white to mom.

Perhaps you can talk to a T and figure a way for you and sd to go together. That way you can devise ways to stay in contact ?

[Indyan]

Teenagers are all on FB, that could be a safe way to keep in touch with her I'd think?

[ennie]

I just want to point out that the 13 to 14 transition is a big one for girls in terms of independence.  My SD 14 changed almost overnight from being a hormonal wreck focused on parents to a pretty capable young adult whose main focus is friends and her future. 

If I had split up with her non BPD dad (we are good, but as an example) last year she would never have kept in touch. But this year she would not care so much what mom thinks. She sees me as a great friend independent of my step parent role and would probably stay connected. 

I would also imagine my SD would be harmed less by a divorce than she would a few years ago. 

You have to choose what timing is right for you, but one option is to get all your ducks in a row and save up, focus and making more space from BPD mom and help SD to learn to cope with mom w/ out you and do not initiate the divorce until sd13 is just a little older. It really is an abrupt and dramatic change from child to adult for some girls at this age.

[PinkieV]

Social media could be helpful, as long as her mom is sort of clueless to all that.  Instagram maybe, if she's friends with her mom on FB.  My SS19's uBPDm had no idea that he talked to his dad while playing online games.  While I hate to suggest she mislead her mom, it was a lifesaver for my SS.