What do I do?

[charl7990]

Hello I am new to this group and although I have done research on this condition it's reassuring to see others with similar problems. My partner has recently been diagnosed with BPD, although I knew for some time before he was diagnosed. We have been together for 3 years but we have been friends from childhood. I am physically disabled so I struggle with him when he goes off the deep end. He displays all the usual traits but I want to know if anyone has to replace things at home due their partners BPD? I am on my 2nd internal door in 6 months because he punches them. Is this normal? I would very much appreciate some advice. Thank you 

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[waverider]

 

Hi charl7990

You are in the right place to help you work out what is typical and what is not. What you can do and what you can't.

What you are describing is dysregulation as a result of frustration.

Emotional outbursts/raging. Does any of this anger get directed at you or does he just take it out on objects.

If you are subject to abuse, you need to do something about this. If it is not directed at you while annoying and stressful, a lot can be done to help you deal with it better.

Are there any specific examples you can work through.?

Waverider

[ColdEthyl]

Hello I am new to this group and although I have done research on this condition it's reassuring to see others with similar problems. My partner has recently been diagnosed with BPD, although I knew for some time before he was diagnosed. We have been together for 3 years but we have been friends from childhood. I am physically disabled so I struggle with him when he goes off the deep end. He displays all the usual traits but I want to know if anyone has to replace things at home due their partners BPD? I am on my 2nd internal door in 6 months because he punches them. Is this normal? I would very much appreciate some advice. Thank you  

Hello and welcome! Yes... .it is normal for a pwBPD. My H doesn't hit ME, but he has punched walls, kicked doors... .even threw knives into walls when he is frustrated. Usually at that time he's also pacing back and forth... .sort of reminds me of a tiger in a cage at the zoo.

Since I've been on this board for a year and have been putting lessons into place... those occurrences are getting fewer and fewer between. Every time he has done it, it's been in an argument in which he feel like I am not listening to him. What are the conditions you are seeing this behavior?

If YOU are in physical danger, please seek a safe place!

[charl7990]

Thank you for your replies. He definitely gets frustrated when he thinks I'm not listening to him. I will say something but his mind turns it into something different, which I understand is normal so I have to calmly tell him to basically just listen to what I'm saying and he will see that I am listening (I don't put it quite so bluntly though). He also does the pacing back and forth. An example would be say I've just had a pop at him without really meaning to, like when my grandfather died, and I've tried telling him that it's my fault and I'm sorry he doesn't take it in and will tell me I'm not taking responsibility for what I've done and I'm not listening to him. I've told him that I am prepared to take sudden outbursts from him because I know he doesn't have control over it yet but I've told him only under certain conditions. These conditions are that it's not to be done in front of the children or in public, he hasn't listened to that. Am I unreasonable for putting these conditions in place?

He frightens me when he passes a certain point and while I don't think I would hurt me on purpose I can't say feel safe with him when he is like that. So far it's just putting holes in all the doors and the wall, breaking things in the house (usually my stuff). When I feel like I'm going to get angry in an argument I try and walk away for a minute to gain control of myself but he doesn't let me. Any advice on what I can do in that situation? I tell him why I am walking away and I will wait until he's finished what he's saying so he doesnt think I'm ignoring him and not listening

[waverider]

You can't negotiate conditions about when he dysregulates. By definition he has "lost it" and hence all "agreements' go out the window from his side.

Disengaging and leaving works best when you can see it coming.

Him not letting you leave is abuse, there should be a consequence to that in itself.

You can chose not to listen to him, of course he can accuse you of not listening but that is his problem. If he is abusive than you can chose not to listen that is your right. Often the only option is to leave altogether as they rarely respect your rights once dysregulated.

Boundary enforcement invariably comes with escalation. So leaving needs to be a final option.

[charl7990]

I can't leave the house without on my own as I'm in a wheelchair. I can get around the house with a walking aid but I'm not very fast. When I try walk away I go to another room or into the garden. Going for a walk always used to help me when I was able to, now that I can't do that I've had to try and find other ways but they don't have the sane effect. I've suggested he try walking the dog if he feels worked up about anything, even things outside the relationship but he doesn't. I understand that will probably take him some time to do. He knows when he's about to loose his head but says he can't stop it. He gets annoyed with himself for it but I don't know if there's something else I should be doing or saying. I've suggested all the usual things people tell you about how to calm down, a walk, some time for yourself, count to ten, talk about what's bothering him or not if he doesn't want to. Is there something else he can try? I know it's going to take him a long time to be able to do these things and I'm in it for the long haul but I don't want to be doing more damage because I think I'm helping.

[waverider]

You may be able to use the tools here to steer him away when these episodes are simmering, but once they have a head of steam they gather a momentum it is near impossible for others to stop. Attempts to do so simply draw attention to their own lack of control, feeding the frustration they feel and increase the escalation and often open an avenue to project the drama onto you.

If he is aware of this is there any chance he would be willing to remove himself to a different spot of the house were he can "throw cushions" if he wants to? Either way there needs to be a line were you disengage and step aside. Preferably before you have got yourself worked up.

Awareness without a plan will not in itself resolve anything