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Author Topic: Valentine's Day  (Read 427 times)
mstnghu
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« on: February 10, 2015, 12:04:29 PM »

Well, it's that time of year again. Another "Hallmark" holiday is here. It's time be romantic and loving with our BPD significant others. Honestly, I really dread this day. My wife has been driving me completely crazy lately. She's been relentlessly difficult to difficult to deal with and has been starting ridiculous fights non-stop. I can't even remember what starts half of the fights. It's so up and down lately.

I've been so pissed at my wife lately that I have a hard time just switching gears and suddenly be all romantic and affectionate toward her. I know she's expecting flowers and a gift and for me to take her to a nice dinner. I just feel like I'm faking it though. Of course I'm sure we all know just how ballistic she'll go if I don't make it special for her. 

So anyways, what are other peoples' thoughts here toward Valentine's Day? How do you all cope?
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Notwendy
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« Reply #1 on: February 10, 2015, 12:24:11 PM »

It isn't easy to be romantic when feeling angry. Sometimes Valentine's Day is hard for me too. There aren't any cards that say " I love you when you aren't raging at me". I'm sure there would be a market for dysfunctional relationship cards if anyone decided to market them.

Still, I honor the relationship, and try to find a card that reflects my good feelings as closely as possible, and some sort of gift- flowers/candy and going out to dinner is appropriate. Some of the romantic over the top cards are hard to consider. I also find it odd to receive one that is romantic " You're the best wife ever" after having been raged at, but I think that it is possible for someone to really be sincere about that when they are not disregulating. Maybe there's a market for that in cards too. One side is white" You are the best spouse ever". Turn it over, and it's black " You are such a %##!"

The harder holiday for me is mother's day. I know there must have been good romantic times between my parents, but as a child of a mother with BPD- who had painted me black, I basically got most of that part. I get really sad reading those cards that say "thank you mother for being the best mother, I love you." as that was not my situation. Still, I try my best to not be bitter towards her and try my best to honor that relationship, and usually I can find a cute card, maybe a funny one, that recognizes her.

In the long run, I think it is best to not be bitter and cause more bad feelings. I think we have to be true to ourselves by not choosing a card that we can't relate to, but still, we can do something nice on these holidays.

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ColdEthyl
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« Reply #2 on: February 10, 2015, 01:29:17 PM »

It isn't easy to be romantic when feeling angry. Sometimes Valentine's Day is hard for me too. There aren't any cards that say " I love you when you aren't raging at me". I'm sure there would be a market for dysfunctional relationship cards if anyone decided to market them.

Still, I honor the relationship, and try to find a card that reflects my good feelings as closely as possible, and some sort of gift- flowers/candy and going out to dinner is appropriate. Some of the romantic over the top cards are hard to consider. I also find it odd to receive one that is romantic " You're the best wife ever" after having been raged at, but I think that it is possible for someone to really be sincere about that when they are not disregulating. Maybe there's a market for that in cards too. One side is white" You are the best spouse ever". Turn it over, and it's black " You are such a %##!"

The harder holiday for me is mother's day. I know there must have been good romantic times between my parents, but as a child of a mother with BPD- who had painted me black, I basically got most of that part. I get really sad reading those cards that say "thank you mother for being the best mother, I love you." as that was not my situation. Still, I try my best to not be bitter towards her and try my best to honor that relationship, and usually I can find a cute card, maybe a funny one, that recognizes her.

In the long run, I think it is best to not be bitter and cause more bad feelings. I think we have to be true to ourselves by not choosing a card that we can't relate to, but still, we can do something nice on these holidays.

ROFLMAO!

WOW... .so much laughs I need that Notwendy rofl. Maybe you should market this idea! I love the black/white card wow

Holidays/birthdays suck. He has insisted he wants to buy me a present this year. For several years, I've been buying my own presents and telling people he bought them to avoid the push/pull of "i'm going to buy you a present I hope it doesn't suck" and "I didn't buy you a present I'm a $*$%% and somehow it's your fault"

So, I'll let you all know I'm sure. Whatever he buys... .it's gonna be like... .the best thing I could ever hope for, I can tell you that much!

And Notwendy, I have not had contact with my mother for 11 years now. Like a bad limb I had to cut her off. She wasn't BPD, but she certainly had some issues going on, and she was a terrible mother.

I always feel like that around Mother's Day, or when ppl post on FB "Share this if you love your mother, she's the only one you will have!" And I'm like... .is there a "Share this if your mother was a horrible beast of a person who infected every aspect of your life"?

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JohnLove
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« Reply #3 on: February 10, 2015, 05:26:12 PM »

It isn't easy to be romantic when feeling angry. Sometimes Valentine's Day is hard for me too. There aren't any cards that say " I love you when you aren't raging at me". I'm sure there would be a market for dysfunctional relationship cards if anyone decided to market them.

Still, I honor the relationship, and try to find a card that reflects my good feelings as closely as possible, Maybe there's a market for that in cards too. One side is white" You are the best spouse ever". Turn it over, and it's black " You are such a %##!"

In the long run, I think it is best to not be bitter and cause more bad feelings. I think we have to be true to ourselves by not choosing a card that we can't relate to, but still, we can do something nice on these holidays.

Oh dear... .Notwendy. They say everything starts with an idea, and you have already given me too many. I hand make cards for my family and my children... .usually only on their birthdays. I don't know how your first idea would be received by my BPDgf but I am now wondering if it would help our relationship to gain some awareness or whether that would only be cruel? 

I did find a card after I left my exBPD long term partner. It helped enormously with my feelings about my decision to leave.

On the outside it read: it is better to have loved and lost.

And on the inside: than to live with the pyscho b___ for the rest of your life.

Quite innapproriate... .BUT VALIDATION CAN COME FROM ANYWHERE.  Smiling (click to insert in post)
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Notwendy
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« Reply #4 on: February 10, 2015, 05:35:57 PM »

Sometimes you just gotta laugh too.  Smiling (click to insert in post)
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vortex of confusion
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« Reply #5 on: February 10, 2015, 05:59:11 PM »

You guys are killing me with laughter!

It does remind me of one the best Valentine's day gifts he got me when we were first married some 15 or 16 years ago. It was a grumpy Cupid that had three or four different grumpy sayings when you would press the button. I can only remember two of them. One said, "Yeah, yeah, I love you too." The other that I remember said, "What'd you expect? Flowers?"

We have never really celebrated Valentine's day. We couldn't get together on V day itself when we were first dating so we got together on the 15th instead. It worked rather well because then we were both able to buy stuff off of the clearance isle. It has been a tradition ever since to wait until the 15th so we could get reduced candy. Laugh out loud (click to insert in post) I know, so very unromantic. Thankfully, that sort of stuff works for me.

Although, he did ask me to get stuff at the store so he could cook breakfast for the kids and on Valentine's day. We shall see if it actually happens. Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)
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mstnghu
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« Reply #6 on: February 10, 2015, 07:32:05 PM »

I think we all definitely have to try to have a sense of humor about it. I'm definitely not hard-wired to be a naturally romantic guy... .but I am capable of being romantic when I try. Unfortunately, no matter how much I try it's just never enough and she's never happy. She'd rather just take control and plan our romantic evening and act like it was my idea. If I make the plans she always finds something wrong with them. She'll be negative no matter what. It sucks away all my desire to try to plan anything romantic.

Even thinking back to when I proposed to her... .I took her to this $$$$ romantic highly acclaimed French restaurant that is very hard to make reservations to. It was in a beautiful setting next to a flowing creek. It wasn't good enough. She complained about everything about the place but then insisted on recreating the entire scenario outside by taking pics with her phone and posting them all over Facebook and texting all her friends and family to see immediately.
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misuniadziubek
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« Reply #7 on: February 13, 2015, 12:48:23 PM »

Even thinking back to when I proposed to her... .I took her to this $$$$ romantic highly acclaimed French restaurant that is very hard to make reservations to. It was in a beautiful setting next to a flowing creek. It wasn't good enough. She complained about everything about the place but then insisted on recreating the entire scenario outside by taking pics with her phone and posting them all over Facebook and texting all her friends and family to see immediately.

Wow. That's hilarious, in the most non-comical way. Perhaps ridiculous is a better word. It reminds me of how my boyfriend wanted us to go to the place where we had our first date. I drive to this French restaurant in the next town. Turns out I got it wrong. He is instantly disappointed. I took him to the place we went on our first date. He was thinking of the place we went to when he visited me the first time and we were still friends. He tells me I obviously preferred this restaurant. I swerve the car around and we've still got an hour till the place closes, so I drive 30 miles the other way. Mind you, it's a ridiculously cold night. He keeps saying that there's no point, we won't have enough time to enjoy ourselves. He never once said the name of the restaurant, just kept repeating 'our first date'. I don't consider it our first date, Laugh out loud (click to insert in post), but oh well, semantics. I drive there anyways. We end up being the last customers there and there is no need to rush, we end up having a very lovely, romantic time and finish with time to spare. He then wants to take pictures. I'm freezing to death. I have no jacket and it's about 36F, so I'm posing awkwardly and just want it all to be over.

A week later he complains that this is why he never takes pictures of me anymore. Because I don't know how to pose, because all the pictures sucked, I looked either pregnant or like Peter Griffin in all of them. He blames me for being too awkward and unphotogenic.

Also, Valentine's Day? It's a huge deal to him. Last year I lost my keys to my car and needed him to pick me up from a bus station 40 minutes away from his house. To him, this was the last straw. I was the most unreliable person in the world. He made me walk 30 minutes in a snow storm to cross the border, then wait another hour on the other side, because he is tired of waiting for me. I was terrified and traumatized and crying the whole time. He drove me to his house, got drunk, yelled at me some more and told me he's never planning anything ever again. That I ruined Valentine's day for him. I hated myself for having to stay the weekend with him. The day after I came back home, I spent the day crying and feeling like ___.

Sigh. A year later, still with him. Things have gotten better. And then worse again. It makes it really hard to make a final decision.
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ColdEthyl
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« Reply #8 on: February 13, 2015, 01:06:44 PM »

Well, my H was supposed to keep the car yesterday so here could "go get me a present" but he said he didn't want to go out yet he needed to 'clear his head'. When I asked him if he wanted to keep it today instead, he said we would talk about it later. Ok np. (this was in the am)

I asked him about it yesterday evening... .I got the same answer. He wanted to talk about it later. I did not bother.

So, I'm assuming I will get nothing again... .he will feel bad. I will say nothing when I give him his gift... .and I will buy myself something afterall.

Again the stupid thing about this is he didn't even have to go through all of this. *shakes head*
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braveSun
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« Reply #9 on: February 13, 2015, 10:45:31 PM »

Oh Valentine Day!...

I wish for something, every Valentines Days of my life!... .  Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)

My mother used to make sure I get a beautiful card and a phone call every Valentine Days. She *knew*.

Now I want to make this day a celebration of my own human experience of love. If this is an opportunity for feeling grateful for the people in my life who are there for me, than it is.

If it is for an opportunity to celebrate where my SO and/or I got, so far, in respect to our recovery/healing journeys, than so it is.

mstnghu, what is your *human love experience* you would say you'd share, Hallmark aside?...
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WingsOnTheMend

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« Reply #10 on: February 13, 2015, 11:59:07 PM »

This was actually the start of a mild argument between my BPD boyfriend and I. I happen to like valentines day but he absolutely hates it. I didn't think it was asking much for just flowers. No need for dinner or anything crazy. Just flowers. This turned into him being extremely rigid, saying that now he feels guilty for not wanting to do anything, and if he does it wont be sincere and from the heart. He said that he doesn't need a certain day to show me that he loves me. Which is all well and good, except that he doesn't actually DO anything any of the other 364 days of the year. He was kind enough to say that if I wanted to celebrate and get him a gift, he would be ok with that. I just laughed to myself, and kept what I was going to give him for myself. There's already way too much one-sidedness in this relationship. If we aren't doing an even exchange, and you cant do anything for me unprompted I'm certainly not going to go out of my way on Valentine's Day either. Call me a b___, but it's time to start taking care of myself here too.
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flowerpath
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« Reply #11 on: February 14, 2015, 11:07:29 AM »

The grocery store was crowded last night, and bustling on the valentine and flower aisles.   People looking at valentines.  Standing in front of the flower case and looking at all of the choices.  Others carrying an empty vase in one hand and a bouquet of flowers in the other.  Some with a pretty valentine in hand.  Holding heart-shaped boxes of chocolates. 

I wondered which of them lives a life that is affected by a personality disorder.

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thepenguin

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« Reply #12 on: February 14, 2015, 08:04:02 PM »

The grocery store was crowded last night, and bustling on the valentine and flower aisles.   People looking at valentines.  Standing in front of the flower case and looking at all of the choices.  Others carrying an empty vase in one hand and a bouquet of flowers in the other.  Some with a pretty valentine in hand.  Holding heart-shaped boxes of chocolates. 

I wondered which of them lives a life that is affected by a personality disorder.

I wish there was more awareness on this condition. It wasn't until an EPIC fight recently where my wife finally figured out she had something. The psychologist essentially agreed. Although we are working on her condition, and i'm proud of her for doing so, it means she loves me. But for 5.5 years, we had no idea. If we had only known, we could have started to address the issue earlier
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Michelle27
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« Reply #13 on: February 14, 2015, 11:04:36 PM »

I dreaded this V day but it so far has turned out pretty good.  We had settled into a routine of exchanging cards with gift cards (he got a gc to a hardware store and I got a clothing gc).  I always thought that was good enough.  Now that he's beginning the process to work on his issues after finally acknowledging he has BPD (not diagnosed yet, but has all but one of the symptoms and definitely has the background... .just waiting on the referral to a psychiatrist) apparently the routine for V day needed to be changed up.  He decided this year that gift cards weren't personal enough and bragged for the past 2 weeks that my gifts were going to blow my mind. 

Ironically, this comes while I'm trying to assess whether and for how long I can stay while dysregulations are still happening and I'm fighting PTSD almost every day.  So the anxiety built about my gifts to him not being good enough and 2 days ago I finally asked him what he wanted, explaining that I was stressing about my gifts to him.  He seemed disappointed to have to tell me, but he did and I felt better and got him what he wanted (3 dressy shirts, a  running shirt, entry to his first 5K with me and a set of couples coupons).  Came home last night and was surprised to find 2 of the mirrors in the bathrooms decorated in red with messages of love and his gifts to me waiting on the kitchen counter.  Waited until today to exchange gifts and he did amazing. I got a totally personalized gift of a custom license plate frame with my FB cover page quote and in my favorite colour as well as the Fitbit Charge HR I've been drooling over.  He also took me for a nice dinner and poured me a glass of wine when we got home.  I am impressed, and for the first time in months I am feeling optimistic.

I do feel bad about the card I bought for him.  I couldn't bear to buy a sappy one, so I got a funny one.  And I could see his disappointment when he opened it and of course, his to me was very sappy.  Oh well... .
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ColdEthyl
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« Reply #14 on: February 16, 2015, 02:18:47 PM »

That's great, michelle!

I am happy to report mine actually turned out wonderful! I thought I would be going to home to dysregulation between the pressure from V day and the mechanic situation (another thread)

When I got home, he had made me a 'mixed tape' with Youtube videos of songs that made him think of me, and new music from artists he thought I would enjoy. (Music is a passion of ours) Because of that, I gave him hid gift early, which was 4 CDs of music he had been wanting and getting into lately. He started to laugh... .because he got me the gift of music too! He had found a new artist he thought I would like and bought me some of their CDs and he was right. I love it!

We did talk about the stress around the holiday, and we made a deal. He hates V day, but he hates Xmas more. So... .V day will be our xmas to each other. We will do Xmas for the children... .and V day for us. He liked that idea.
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HoldingAHurricane
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« Reply #15 on: February 16, 2015, 08:24:01 PM »

Valentines Day? LOL Having learned from previous years, this year I worked  Smiling (click to insert in post). Weeks before he said 'awww, don't work baby, its Valentines Day. I'm planning something special'.  He planned the same 'something special' as last year... .melting down over the self inflicted pressure and sleeping in his car at the train station. So, I figured his gift to me was a good nights sleep in a bed all to myself  Smiling (click to insert in post) I bought myself a present a few weeks ago because I am an awesome wife and I had a nice day talking with clients.   

The day after Valentines Day, when he was feeling better, we went to lunch and he told me my favourite kind of truth 'You're a good wife and I'm a douche'. So, I made my own Valentine's Day then we had a nice belated Valentine's Day together and my sense of humour about his predictability was a life raft! 
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ColdEthyl
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« Reply #16 on: February 17, 2015, 09:44:47 AM »

The day after Valentines Day, when he was feeling better, we went to lunch and he told me my favourite kind of truth 'You're a good wife and I'm a douche'. So, I made my own Valentine's Day then we had a nice belated Valentine's Day together and my sense of humour about his predictability was a life raft! 

I love your attitude! My H will say something similar about how awesome I am and how much he sucks. I like that you bought yourself some presents! I do the same thing... .I don't need him to buy me anything dangit Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)



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Jessica84
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« Reply #17 on: February 17, 2015, 02:58:17 PM »

Why is it this holiday means so much to pwBPD? They're not exactly loving and romantic the rest of the year... yet expect a parade of hearts and candy from us on this one day?

Those cards sound hilarious. Hallmark needs to start a BPD Valentine card series... ."I'm Out of My Mind... Won't You Be My Valentine?" 
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