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Author Topic: An update on my challenging life...  (Read 368 times)
empath
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
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« on: February 10, 2015, 07:32:57 PM »

It's been almost 6 months since I was here last. Right now, our lives are a bit hectic and crazy because of a major event that has given both uBPDh and myself added responsibilities.

First, what has happened over the months... .

We completed the healing prayer week in August. It was exceptionally difficult for dh because he had to tell our ministers his 'stuff' and acknowledge that his lack of trust and selfishness were problems. At the end of the week, we were offered the chance to recommit to our marriage; I said that I couldn't do that right then because of the lack of trust. I needed to see proof of real change before taking the step. This was done with our ministers present (I talked with them beforehand), so dh couldn't really express his emotions about it.

During that week, I brought up the possibility of BPD with dh. He asked why I suggested it -- so I ran down the list of characteristics. He agreed with the things that I've noticed but not the 'label'. I didn't push any further.

In October, uBPDh was able to take the next step in his church-related process of leadership.

At the end of December, our pastor became very ill and has been in the hospital for 6 weeks or so now. This was a crisis for our church and for us personally as we are both in leadership positions (I'm on staff as a leader). Sorting out what all this looks like for us has been a difficult process -- and culminated in several very emotional discussions as uBPDh tried to 'pull rank' over me. He was very anxious about 'doing what was expected' when there are no clear expectations in this kind of situation. When he asked for evidence of my authority, I sent it to him. I've recently found out that he interpreted this as trying to 'shut him up'.

In the midst of all the church-related craziness, dh had a flare-up of gout (first time), so he got treated. Then, he was able to recognize that he was feeling depressed and saw the psychologist that we talked to this summer who recommended that he see his doctor for an antidepressant for moderate to severe depression. (it sounds like he was having some suicidal ideations -- he didn't tell me that directly) He has been on the antidepressant for about a week or so. He has complained about an increased difficulty with controlling his emotions and behaviors associated with them.

Currently, we have been talking a lot about how to go forward and work together. I have been focusing on the difficult behaviors that he has had recently including some violent outbursts (he dislocated his hand after punching the tile wall in the bathroom one morning and some of the other behaviors). He has been upset because he can't seem to 'control' his behaviors and because he thinks that he is the only one who has to deal with these kinds of things. He is tired of 'being the one with the problems' (or 'behaviors'. He also feels ashamed of some of his behaviors. He also brought up my lack of recommitment in August as something that has been difficult for him.

Unfortunately, his EAP doesn't cover continuing counseling, and we don't have the funds to pay out of pocket for that as well as all the debts. I'm also anticipating a reduction in my salary as a consequence of decisions that our church board made (when people can't work things out between themselves, others have to be brought in to help with working on things).

He has also complained that I 'didn't give him anything for Valentine's Day or his birthday, not even a card' -- which is not true. I gave him things on both those occasions because I knew it was important to him. This distorted thinking had begun to loop around in his head as an example of my lack of love for him.

We've also had some pretty long discussions which have led him to seeking help with his problems; this is actually progress, I think. He is recognizing that he wants to be different than he is, but it is hard at the same time.

I'm trying to strike a balance between addressing the issues that come up because they affect more than just us, now and helping him feel safe in our situation. He is stressed at his full-time job as well because he is just 'tired' of it and wants to quit; but he has a history of staying with a job for 2 years and people have commented about it. So, he doesn't feel like he can just quit because he actually wants to 'be better'.

There was an incident a couple of nights ago that was a physical expression toward me -- he was ashamed of it afterward. I'm not sure how to handle it, though. It was quite frightening.
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waverider
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Relationship status: married 8 yrs, together 16yrs
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If YOU don't change, things will stay the same


« Reply #1 on: February 11, 2015, 03:13:08 AM »

Welcome back Empath.

It is good that your partner is starting take ownership of his problems.

This can bring about other issues. feelings of being a "failure'. Frustrations of knowing there is no quick fix, and vulnerability. It is liekly he will project these feelings on to you, making out that you must thing these things of him. It can cause depression and suicide idealization.

We went through a lot of this when my partner accepted her diagnosis, including multiple overdoses trying to force "the system" to fix her.

It is important for you to stay steady and consistent. He needs you to, he can't do it.

Do not dismiss aggressive behavior, if this repeats you will need to do something about it as left unchecked it can escalate in times of stress.

Good luck with your journey

Waverider
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empath
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Posts: 848


« Reply #2 on: February 11, 2015, 10:23:59 AM »

Thanks, Waverider. I'm taking these things as improvements, even if he doesn't think so. We've been able to talk more "normally" although I still have to do a lot of work to make sure what I say is interpreted properly.

Do I bring up the aggression and state a boundary; "if this happens again, my response will be... ." ? I think I probably need to do that for myself and for the kids. Pretty sure it won't be taken well.
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waverider
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Gender: Male
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Relationship status: married 8 yrs, together 16yrs
Posts: 7405


If YOU don't change, things will stay the same


« Reply #3 on: February 11, 2015, 04:05:32 PM »

Thanks, Waverider. I'm taking these things as improvements, even if he doesn't think so. We've been able to talk more "normally" although I still have to do a lot of work to make sure what I say is interpreted properly.

We go through this feeling of not making progress all the time. It is important to keep a record of what it was like, and what as changed. The problem is the more you learn, the more you see and the delusion of "fixing it" by addressing the next issue is swept away.

As the scope of the problem becomes clear the light at the end of the tunnel seems further away. It is important to embrace progress rather than hang every hope on an end result.

Stripping away unhealthy coping mechanisms will leave him feeling raw and vulnerable until they are replaced with healthy ones (which may feel natural to you but are alien to him)

Do I bring up the aggression and state a boundary; "if this happens again, my response will be... ." ? I think I probably need to do that for myself and for the kids. Pretty sure it won't be taken well.

Definitely and more importantly you must act on it. Removing yourself from any threat that you feel, is important. In the middle of dysregulations stated consequences dont count for much. Doesn't matter if boundaries are taken well, they are about you.

A domestic violence discussion worth reading here;

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=61403.0
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empath
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Gender: Female
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 848


« Reply #4 on: February 16, 2015, 05:09:43 PM »

On Valentine's Day, I talked with uBPDh about the physical incident. At first, he seemed confused about what I was talking about, but he remembered after I described it more in detail. That morning he had been angry about something, but I didn't know what it was. So, I asked, and he refused to tell me. Later, he said something about the emotional distance between us. I took the chance to bring it up and express how I was/am feeling. It was actually a good conversation in that he was able to hear what I said (he responded appropriately); I told him that I thought it was an 'improvement' that we were able to talk about it.

He said that he had been talking with his T about the anger and his difficulty in controlling his emotions/behaviors. They aren't sure whether it is due to adapting to his new medication or whether he needs a different one.

I need to think through what my response to 'crossing the boundary' will be. Unfortunately, there is another incident in his past that was similar that probably was not properly reported. One of our children mentioned something to an adult volunteer.

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waverider
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Gender: Male
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Relationship status: married 8 yrs, together 16yrs
Posts: 7405


If YOU don't change, things will stay the same


« Reply #5 on: February 16, 2015, 07:51:31 PM »

Always keep focus on the aspect that it is not all about physically what happens and the reasons, it is how it affects you, your fears or anxiety. Otherwise you can get side tracked into whether you are at fault for feeling unwarranted perceptions about what is threatening or not.

If you are feeling intimidated, then that needs to be resolved regardless of any finger pointing. You have a right to not feel intimidated
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