Coparenting shifted to Parallel - can I try to get her 2 change it back?

[avidtraveller]

Hoping for some advice. Together 23 yrs (most good until last 6) Divorced / split 4yrs ago, court orders finalised 1 yr ago. S13 D11 - during court kids mum and I co-parented well. But has now shifted to Parallel (if I've understood my readings from this section correctly). Whilst co-parenting during court was good, the fight was bitter. She never negotiated or looked to compromise on custody. She dragged the process out as long as she could. She had left me suddenly and withheld kids from me which lead to an urgent court hearing. Her intent was to force me into changing to her desires and so was very angry when court occurred. She preferred mediation for at least 6 months (remembering I had no access to my kids) whilst I did various courses / counselling first (we already tried 18 mths of marriage counselling). Totally unacceptable and unreasonable position and court found that way too and gave me minimal care - minimal because she made up some horrendous allegations against me to justify her reasons for hiding the kids from me. She used the threat that if I didn't change and do the things she wanted (heavy religious intervention / ideals) then I wouldn't see the kids or her again. We did have some confidential mediation sessions (can't be used in court) and she admitted that she didn't intend things to work out this way and that she had hoped we could reconcile and end court, but wasn't prepared to give me any more time with the children so I said we'll talk about reconciling after the children's matters were settled first - them spending more time with me the priority and their clear desire. Court took 3 yrs and went very badly for her - under cross x at trial she admitted to being reckless in her allegations against me. Shared equal time was recommended by the Child Psychologist appointed to our case and ordered by the Judge who lambasted my ex. Very soon after she filed for divorce, repartnered and said she wanted nothing to do with me. The co-parenting style has changed to one where she will not reply to my concerns regarding the children (eg. she has kids stay with a family when she's unavailable, my kids friends parents, despite me being 2 minutes away and work from home and can have them anytime and kids want that. But the father is verbally abusive to my son on a number of occasions and my son has complained to me each time about it. This father has drug and alcohol issues, his 9 yo daughter looks at pornography and has shown my kids).  My children are very well behaved and receive excellent school character reports, compliments from other people etc. Disturbingly she sent both kids recently to a 12 week course at night for "Violent children abusing parents" - because she said they are abusive to her. Kids were mortified, as was my GP who casually asked me last visit how they were going. She told the kids they needed to learn to be more respectful toward her and this course would help. The same pattern she used on me.  Our kids attitude toward her all seems to stem from their hurt and annoyance at her hiding them from me in the first couple of months, then trying all she could to keep them from me. When she repartnered she did by pretending he was a work friend only for months yet doing so many things together - the kids said they felt she was lying about the friendship and didn't trust what she could say. When she finally admitted they were dating they didn't cope very well and felt she had being lying to them all along. It was only after their complaints to me that they didn't trust their mum, and felt she was lying to them that I raised it with her - in a way that was sensitive and wanting to ensure her relationship with them remained strong, and not undermined. She then told the children the truth and this has helped them finally come to terms with what is going on and the changes that are happening. But whenever I try to raise in an appropriate manner my concerns like this - latest and most worrying is the family with the abusive father she has my kids spend time with  - my concerns are either ignored or replied to with "do not send me harassing and bullying texts or undermine me to the children". I never discuss this with the children. Her answers make little sense. She (falsely) accused me of violence and said it was totally unacceptable, which is true, so why turn a blind eye when it occurs with those she choses to place the kids with? This is why I think she has gone Parallel - no responses to my legitimate concerns.

1. Do I now also try to go Parallel and just ignore what she choses in the times they are with her? Because she's not responding, or responds in a bullying way that I am harassing her and trying to alienate her from the kids etc? But it's hard for me to watch these poor decisions that effect my kids and not say something.

2. The other question I have is, we were soulmates, and she didn't intend things to go this way, but because court was so bitter (which she blames all on me) the relationship ended so badly and negatively. I am wanting to ask her to go and see someone so we can at least try to end our relationship on more amicable terms. ie. talk thru the hurt we both felt with the trauma of court etc. My hope is that this would bring  a better openness and peace / forgiveness so that we can go back to a more co-parenting style (where she was happy to sit together at children's functions, have me in for 5 mins for a quick catch u with the kids when dropping something off etc) as this has all suddenly stopped since the court decision.







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[Turkish]

avidtraveller, I'm sorry you are going through all of this. It sounds like she split you completely black after court.

As hard as it is, if there is nothing in the custody stipulation like "right of first refusal" then it may be that there is nothing that you can do legally to watch the kids on her time. Many have said here, and on the legal board, that often courts accept "good enough" parenting. I know that you're new, and likely inunndated with a lot of info, but it might do you good to go through the lessons at the right side of the board.

The verbal abuse is concerning, but it's good that your kids are open with you. As tough as it is to see their pain and confusion, never underestimate the positive impact that you have on them. It counts a lot more than the 50% of the time you have with them. Validate their feelings.

As for your questions, despite the title of the board, it's perfectly acceptable to parallel parent in some cases, even necessary. From your post, and your one on Leaving, I sense that despite everything, you still love her. After such a long relationship, I think that's natural. It may be very hard at this point to seperate that out from what you need to do to not only support your children, but to keep yourself healthy. Speaking as a fellow Leaver, it's painful not to get the closure we want, and even more so when our Ex's cheat (mine's now engaged to The Other Guy). Despite her BPD behaviors, it may be possible to form some semblance of a decent CP relationship in the future. Some of that may also depend upon how you engage with her...

Though it seems that her core pain really triggered after two decades with you, and children, it's not something you can fix. She probably needs space. Parallel parent for now. Validate your kids. Document everything you can in case you need it legally in the future.

[avidtraveller]

Thnx again Turkish for your valuable insight. U really get it. ANd yeah, my biggest problem and source of pain has been letting go. I didn't realise the tools and lessons on right hand side. it's been really helpful to me to get a lot of this off my chest (thnx for hanging in there and reading) and I'm now looking fwd to going thru the video clips, lessons, etc on this site. People have said 'let it go' but I didn't really know how to do this - these tools look great as they explain why you need to and how to.  Really appreciate  your guidance, thanks.

[livednlearned]

Hi avidtraveler,

You've been through a lot -- a 3 year custody battle is not a small thing to endure. Despite all the horrendous things that happened (not seeing your kids, false allegations), you managed to turn around something that is not easy to understand, much less fix. Much of your focus has probably been on this for this stretch of your life, so I wanted to recognize how much you've managed to set right.  

It's hard when you still have feelings for your ex wife, and you love your kids as well. I felt that nothing in my life prepared me for the kind of pain a BPD divorce/custody battle could present. What is so challenging is that these relationships often don't provide resolution, a fundamental human desire and maybe even a human need. What is good, though, is that in the process of healing on your own, it will probably take you back to issues in your family of origin. You can really clean house and understand who you are, and heal emotional things that you maybe didn't even know were going on.

The best Lesson for me is #5 on this board -- the one about raising resilient kids. To do that, you have to understand what it means to be emotionally healthy. I really didn't *get* what that was, not having had it as a kid, and never found it as an adult. It was the best gift, but also quite painful, and I learned it when I realized that I was on my own in trying to help my kids. N/BPDx could not see the problem, could not fix it, and in fact was quite determined to make it worse. That put the responsibility squarely on my shoulders and what a life lesson that has been. Very painful, and very healing. In the end a profound relief to pass these lessons onto my son and see him healing too.

To your question about getting her to change back. Probably not. Although, you may find that the tools you learn with your kids (ie. validation) will have some effect.

When your kids complain about the abusive father, how do you respond to them? There is a lot you can do in interactions with them that will go a long way to helping them learn how to be resilient. Much more so than trying to work with your ex wife.

[avidtraveller]

been meaning to say thnx! Luv #5 & am reading alot on this site