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Author Topic: my BPD bf broke up with me,is this permanent?what should i do?  (Read 1034 times)
Kasina
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« on: February 12, 2015, 02:22:15 PM »

Hello Everyone,

So my uBPD bf broke up with me two  weeks back,its been two weeks to be precise.for the first week I kept asking that why do he want to break up and now I m giving him some space to get a grip over myself as I am pretty shocked and also letting him think that weather he wants it for real.

it was all good between us we got engaged two months back and I was happy that after  2 and half year of ups and downs finally our relationship was quite stable since last 6 months and things were really making good progress between us.i have been feeling a change in his behavior after a month of getting engaged.he would act very clingy or shut me out completely for a few days,his moods was shifting very quickly from one state to another within hours.

I was worried and was trying to be supportive to him by not arguing much about his acting out behavior  and validating him.

At some point I did felt that there is something going in his mind probably there was a kind of tug of war about long term commiting or fear of  abandonment  or maybe engulfment...

to be honest I really don't know what it was... when I asked him whats up?he would not tell me and I didn't felt that it was right to force him to talk about it so I stopped insisting believing that he will talk in his own right time...

Deep down in my gut I knew that a break up was imminent but I felt helpless as I didn't know what to do about his inner turmoil also partlybecause I was busy in my sisters wedding arrangements but I tried my level best no to ignore him,he still was pissed and jealous that I was spending time with my sister and not him but when I asked him to lets hang out or make plans together he did and I ended up cancelling plans with my sister and her friends he will then cancel plans at the last moment or didn't felt like it or in the mood for it or would simply ignore me...

when I asked him the reason of breaking up and calling off the wedding he said that he didn't deserve me and I m better off on my own and he said he deserved to be punished alone and didn't want to drag me along but then when I still kept insisting that rethink about the break up. the very next day he said that he is in with relationsip with someone else and accussed me off blackmailing him in to getting married which really shook me because I had never asked him to get married or anything... its laways him proposing me and wanting to marry and settle.

its just I am absolutely confused and all shaken that what did exactly happened... i just cant figure it out... is this abandonment fear... engulfement issue... comitement issue... is it me? did I invalidated him or hurt him?is his fears playing out now?is this break up for real?

I feel mentally and physically sick now thinking about what went wrong?i cant give up the love of my life and 3 year old relationship just like that... i want to be there for him if its his insecurities playing out,i want to reassure him that I wont leave or hurt him but I don't know what to do?thats why I have taken sometime off to rethink and evaluate the whole situation...

we have had our ups and he did broke up with me twice before but when I kept insisting on talking about the problem rather then breaking up he would eventually come around in a weeks time and everyrthing will be good again but this time its different he seems very firm and cold about the break up and this thing about being with his in relatioship again... it really scares me cause he has never done this before... it makes me wonder that he is been cheating me.

when I asked him this question he said so what if I have been cheating on you?you have your friends go and enjoy you will be alright...

so my question here is,what is it really about?he has changed his statement 3 times and gives an entirely different reason everytime...

why is he sabotaging our relationship?what is he angry at?or is he simply scared and most importantly what should I do about it?i really love him.

Any advice will be greatly appereciated... I really need someone to support me and give me some insight about this situation.

thankyou for reading and sorry about the ramble on...

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Shottsy85

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« Reply #1 on: February 12, 2015, 03:10:26 PM »

I just posted a story about me and my boyfriend just today. He is also BPD. He broke things off with me as well and then told me I was better off. I begged him to come back etc etc. When I finally began to get myself together and move on THEN he wanted me back and wanted to change. First of all. You are not crazy. You are in love with someone with a personality disorder. At least from what I've read and experienced with mine, big life changes can trigger episodes and fear. You were dealing with a lot and in the process of getting married yourself to your BPD boyfriend.

It is easier said than done, but try to take care of yourself and distance yourself. He will most likely come back to you and if he doesn't then you did all you can and he has made his own decision. My boyfriend left me and moved in with this skanky girl and he thought he was in love with her briefly etc and then the it all blew up in both of their faces when she realized she was getting him without me and he regressed. Just let things play out, and if he does come back try to calmly talk to him and see if he will get some help, because in my opinion it is near impossible to be with a BP that is not in some form of recovery or medicated at all. Mine still has a long way to go, but him being in therapy and at least aware of his disorder has helped. Humor is a really good tension breaker as well. Finding that "safe word" like when my BP gets nasty I would smile and try and laugh and go, "was that really necessary?" It is sometimes hard when I really want to react and feel angry to keep it light.

I hope I was somewhat helpful. Don't give up hope if this is the man you truly want to spend your life with. I was scared mine would never come back and we've been back together for three years now. Its not easy, but its possible if you are committed.
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EaglesJuju
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« Reply #2 on: February 12, 2015, 03:14:00 PM »

Hi Kasina,

I am sorry that you are going through this. It is really tough to cope with confusing and contradictory words and behavior.  

Deep down in my gut I knew that a break up was imminent but I felt helpless as I didn't know what to do about his inner turmoil also partlybecause I was busy in my sisters wedding arrangements but I tried my level best no to ignore him,he still was pissed and jealous that I was spending time with my sister and not him but when I asked him to lets hang out or make plans together he did and I ended up cancelling plans with my sister and her friends he will then cancel plans at the last moment or didn't felt like it or in the mood for it or would simply ignore me...

In the past, my bf tended to severely dysregulate when I was "busy" with something else. It seemed to trigger his abandonment fears. Similar to you, I would free up some time for him so we can spend time together, then he would ignore me. It is like a child throwing a temper tantrum when they cannot get what they want immediately. The avoidance is basically a coping mechanism to repress feelings.

when I asked him the reason of breaking up and calling off the wedding he said that he didn't deserve me and I m better off on my own and he said he deserved to be punished alone and didn't want to drag me along but then when I still kept insisting that rethink about the break up. the very next day he said that he is in with relationsip with someone else and accused me off blackmailing him in to getting married which really shook me because I had never asked him to get married or anything... its laways him proposing me and wanting to marry and settle.

I have heard the same thing as well. From my experience, it was a result of feelings of being "abandoned" or "rejected."  When my bf feels like that, he fluctuates between intense projected anger and inner self-loathing.  

its just I am absolutely confused and all shaken that what did exactly happened... i just cant figure it out... is this abandonment fear... engulfement issue... comitement issue... is it me? did I invalidated him or hurt him?is his fears playing out now?is this break up for real?

I understand how confusing this is for you.     Honestly it could be anything, but I can safely reassure you that it has nothing to do with you.  As I said before, it seems like an abandonment issue.

I feel mentally and physically sick now thinking about what went wrong?i cant give up the love of my life and 3 year old relationship just like that... i want to be there for him if its his insecurities playing out,i want to reassure him that I wont leave or hurt him but I don't know what to do?thats why I have taken sometime off to rethink and evaluate the whole situation...

I felt the same way. Analyzing every possibility will only drive you bananas.

he seems very firm and cold about the break up and this thing about being with his in relatioship again... it really scares me cause he has never done this before... it makes me wonder that he is been cheating me.

when I asked him this question he said so what if I have been cheating on you?you have your friends go and enjoy you will be alright...


This comment is projecting his hurt about feeling "rejected."

Have you spoken to him since the breakup?




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"In order to take control of our lives and accomplish something of lasting value, sooner or later we need to Believe. We simply need to believe in the power that is within us, and use it." -Benjamin Hoff
Kasina
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 142


« Reply #3 on: February 12, 2015, 03:46:39 PM »

Thankyou Eaglesjuju for your reply it is very comforting that someone out there understands what its like to be in this situation.

I persnolly feel it was more than one thing which has caused him to be this way leading to break up.i believe partly because of his abondanment/rejection and partly cause of the major change that was taking place in our lives i.e the getting married thing.

to your question that if I have talked to him after the break up?well,i have mostly talked to him via texts cause he wont receive my calls and refuse to see me in person.after me texting him and calling him for a week he replied by saying that I m not honest with him and blackmailing him etc but when I texted him that I am honest with him and I wont leave he replied saying "time will tell"... that was his last text after that I tried to talk to him by calling and leaving few texts but his response was silence so I left him alone for awhile so I could take care of myself for abit... its been a week since his last text now...

oh yes and before breaking up with me he also deleated me from fb... he has never done something like this before... when I asked why he said just like that but I feel its more like "self preservation"...

my question is should I keep texting him and keep reassuring him that I m here for him and I m honest with him or I should give him space?

I don't want to make his abandonment fear worse but I also don't want to be clingy or needy and also because of that thing  he said he is with his ex now... i fear if I persisted he might get more hurtful towards me  :'(
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Kasina
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« Reply #4 on: February 12, 2015, 04:13:33 PM »

hey shottsy85 thankyou for your reply and advice.

I have distanced myself from him and I a trying my best to take care of myself for a change.i must say that I am way better then I was last year when he got dysregulated I would go bananas.i texted and called him constantly ,wont eat or sleep,i was a total mess but then I started educating myself about BPD and i am much better now.

what bothers me is that I have sensed that partly this break up episode is due to his feelings of being rejected and unloved and he is hurt which I know its not entirely my fault but he did felt abandoned by me and I don't want him to be hurting inside I want to be there foe him but then again that thing that he said about being back with his ex...

I don't know if its foe real or its because he felt rejected and now is pushing me away being hurtful...
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EaglesJuju
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« Reply #5 on: February 12, 2015, 04:20:29 PM »

Thankyou Eaglesjuju for your reply it is very comforting that someone out there understands what its like to be in this situation.

I persnolly feel it was more than one thing which has caused him to be this way leading to break up.i believe partly because of his abondanment/rejection and partly cause of the major change that was taking place in our lives i.e the getting married thing.

to your question that if I have talked to him after the break up?well,i have mostly talked to him via texts cause he wont receive my calls and refuse to see me in person.after me texting him and calling him for a week he replied by saying that I m not honest with him and blackmailing him etc but when I texted him that I am honest with him and I wont leave he replied saying "time will tell"... that was his last text after that I tried to talk to him by calling and leaving few texts but his response was silence so I left him alone for awhile so I could take care of myself for abit... its been a week since his last text now...

oh yes and before breaking up with me he also deleated me from fb... he has never done something like this before... when I asked why he said just like that but I feel its more like "self preservation"...

my question is should I keep texting him and keep reassuring him that I m here for him and I m honest with him or I should give him space?

I don't want to make his abandonment fear worse but I also don't want to be clingy or needy and also because of that thing  he said he is with his ex now... i fear if I persisted he might get more hurtful towards me  :'(

I would give him some space and continue to focus on you. 

I did that and about 2 weeks later I texted my bf. I made sure that I did not mention feelings or anything that may trigger him. 

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"In order to take control of our lives and accomplish something of lasting value, sooner or later we need to Believe. We simply need to believe in the power that is within us, and use it." -Benjamin Hoff
Pcarter

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 4


« Reply #6 on: April 22, 2016, 12:38:27 PM »

I am going through the same thing right now.  He left one week ago.  He got his own place.  We have been together for 4 years and this is the 4th time he has left.  He blames me because I told his step mom that he was drinking through a text message.  I did not mean to cause any issues.  She asked and I told her.  He found out and left.   At first he forgave me and said it was ok but now he says that he can't forget.  He sent me a text 2 days ago and said that this was all my fault but he loves me very much.  Now I am blocked from texting him.   I am so confused?  Does this ever stop.
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