first recycle, gonna see how it goes.

[Infern0]

Hi staying board.

I have been on the leaving board since about June last year when my relationship with my girlfriend failed.

We had a painful breakup and I didn't expect to be back with her ever.

we reestablished contact fairly quickly and had a fairly interesting 6 months or so while she was with a replacement.  Although we had a couple of falling outs generally our interaction was friendly and positive and by the start of this year I was feeling pretty happy and not really thinking about her too much.

Anyway I could sense that she was starting to want me back a few weeks ago and after some talking she dumped my replacement last week and we have been dating and she wants to become official although I'm staying calm on that

Right now everything is going well so I don't have any complaints or anything. We have been keeping things fun and easy which is great, honestly the last week has been wonderful,  but I'm sure there will be road blocks along the way.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[waverider]

welcome to the board Infern0.

What will be different this time?

waverider

[EaglesJuju]

Hi Infern0, 

Welcome to the staying board.

Have you had a chance to discuss the status of your relationship with her?

[Infern0]

Hi guys.

So everything is going pretty well at the moment although she is wanting to be exclusive and I have said that I need to think about it. I did explain why in the nicest way possible but to be honest I don't think she really understands and is a little bit frustrated by it.

This is the biggest problem I have with her is just the situations where I can explain something about how I feel and I can tell she just isn't getting it. She has apologized many times for the past relationships problems and says "it makes me feel bad" that she hurt me.

This is going to be hard to overcome for me is my cynicism and hyper vigilance with her.  It's almost like I'm waiting for the first sign of devaluation so I can March her to the door and get rid.

Don't get me wrong that's not what I want to happen but I'm on edge waiting for it. I need to relax I think.

How do you guys cope with devaluation phases?  Because I don't think I'm equipped for when it comes

[EaglesJuju]

How do you guys cope with devaluation phases?  Because I don't think I'm equipped for when it comes

I cope with devaluation in by practicing mindfulness. First, I try to get into wise mind. I tend to let my emotional mind eclipse my reasonable mind when I am being devalued.  Wise mind is a balance of rationalization and emotions.

During periods of devaluation, I take a moment and step back, take a few deep breaths, and think, yes I am really upset with what he is saying to me, but this behavior is a part of BPD. Having knowledge of BPD really helps with that. Once you cope with the devaluation this way, you become conditioned to be almost "desensitized" to certain behaviors. 

I understand how you feel cynical and hyper vigilant. If you continuously have this viewpoint it can be like you are setting yourself up to fail. PwBPD tend to be overly sensitive to feelings and their environment and usually can tell when you are on edge. As you said, take some time to relax and read the lessons.