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[Keysmiami]

Hi All

I had a three year friendship that transitioned into a relationship for four months. My girlfriend has two kids and two exes. Her six year old never knew her father and called me daddy. I picked her up from school every day and loved and cared for her. I had so many great moments with my girlfriend and was going through extreme highs and extreme lows. She is very flirty, argumentative and always on the defense. She also was very loving and caring. She told me many things and I saw myself building a life with her until she cut it two weeks ago. It went from I love being in your arms and we have a strong foundation to build upon to I cat be in a relationship. Since then she has been cold cruel and has no empathy. Her kids were reaching out to me until her daughter texted me at 130 am to come over now. I thought it was an emergency.  Her mom was out and I saw her outside and we exchanged words. What is going on. Does this sound like BPD. She has told me when she gets to close she cuts it.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Jeansok]

it's hard to say from that post, I too am with a man who has had two ex wives and from reading post I started a year and a half ago on this site and I came to the conclusion that that's what my husband has but it's kind of hard to tell from just what you've described there, I'm so sorry I know it's hard

[EaglesJuju]

Hi Keysmiami, 

Welcome.  Coping with  dramatic and erratic behaviors are really frustrating. I am sorry that your gf is being cold and unempathetic.     Although I cannot diagnose her or say it is BPD for sure, hot and cold behavior is one of the traits of BPD.  Here is some information to help you get started.

Article 2: The Symptoms and Diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder

Perhaps you can tell us more about her behavior so we can help you better?  What behavior are you having a difficult time coping with?

[Cat Familiar]

It is so hard to find yourself cut off like that so abruptly. I'm so sorry that you're having to deal with this. And I can tell you are very concerned about the children. Let us know more about your story and please read the lessons on the side bar--they might help you to understand what's going on with your girlfriend. 

[Keysmiami]

Hi thanks for all your replys it does seem to help. As far as my girlfriend if I can even call her that now I have no idea what is going on in her head as she cut me off. We are talking about a three year friendship that evolved into a relationship because I thought that it was an evolution and seemed like a natural progression to me and I couldn't have been happier how things were evolving. However there were red flags that I thought I could deal with. She has a difficult and complicated life which is always filled with crisis. She has two kids from different fathers and is in the process of getting a divorce as well as getting her masters and has started a new job filled with inter personal problems with co workers. It's everyones fault. I was there for her like I have never been there for anyone. I felt myself always doing the right thing by her and being totally self less. I took care of so many things for her to alleviate pressure so she could concentrate on her kids school and work. We were last in that list but I was ok with it. I truly believed that things would change as her situation would settle down eventually but I think I know differently now. All of her issues she has were created by herself. She didn't need to change jobs when she has a six year old. She had a job literally down the street for good pay with flexible hours. She quit because she was asked to change her job. Her job now is an hour away plus she works from 3 to 12. I would pick up her daughter from school everyday and watch her until the babysitter would pick her up. She is absolutely beautiful string willed and personable. Personable to the point that she was very flirty with everyone including women. Everything was about her and on her terms. She would blow up at her kids and only me once. We got in a fight over this one blow up but got over it. She said many things to make me believe that we were building a life together. I loved her I miss her. She just cut it off from one day to the next. I spent one week of being in shock abut were were on speaking terms until we exchanged words over her being out all night and her daughter reaching out to me because she was lonely. I can't make any sense of it and still want to reach out to her to make her understand. She is a different person. No matter what I say or do she dies not respond except for one sentence texts. The more I read here the more I see what I am goi g through. Anyone with any sense of decency or compassion would not have killed it. Not only did she sabotage the reaction ship but there is no friendship left. I was the only father figure her daughter had but she destroyed that too and terrorized the kids into thinking I'm a bad person. So what am I left with? Someone who couldn't care less about me or is concerned for my well being. I just mourn the loss of her and her children every day. I sometimes think what did she experience? She has to miss something but apparently not. I thought I was so close to her and was the first person and last person she spoke with every day. That's what I thought. She had an obsession with Facebook and was always on there and got messages at 130 am sometimes. I didn't like that and it made me wonder who she was talking with.  She had only single guy friends of which stopped when I bfan to spend all my time with her. I think she rested it. I'm just in shock because we really got along well and enjoyed each other's company until the last day we were together which was two weeks ago. What can I do? I really feel she really has BPD. It is the only thing that makes sense to me.

[ColdEthyl]

Aye aye aye... .friend. First off... . and 

Their behavior is really confusing when you don't know what's going on. And even when you do... .some things still do not makes sense. The first thing to do is do not contact her if she doesn't want you to. I know that is very very hard because you love her and miss her... .but when you do it usually makes things worse. The reason why she got worse when you tried to explain to her stuff is because pwBPD have a very difficult time accepting blame. It sounds like you have seen that before with her and her co-workers.

Try to take a little time to yourself while she has you "painted black", and figure out what you really want. Read the lessons here, ask questions... .we are all here for you and we understand <3

I am so sorry you are hurting, hun. <3

[Keysmiami]

Thank you.

It's like she is devoid of any human emotion. It's like she is color blind. The color is grey but she only sees green or something else. There is no convincing her otherwise. I experienced something else than she did. She is not thinking about what happened or missing anything because she is not capable. This is part of this illness. It's so sad because I had both feet in for the first time in my life.

[ColdEthyl]

Thank you.

It's like she is devoid of any human emotion. It's like she is color blind. The color is grey but she only sees green or something else. There is no convincing her otherwise. I experienced something else than she did. She is not thinking about what happened or missing anything because she is not capable. This is part of this illness. It's so sad because I had both feet in for the first time in my life.

They are not devoid of human emotion... .rather that they feel so intensely, they hide from it. I know exactly what you mean about them seeing green when there is only grey.

I know it feels like they must not miss us. They are capable of cutting people off. Their actions are coming from a different place, though.

Emotionally, they are immature. To imagine what it's like for them... .I like to use this example. Think about ow you feel when you are sad... .then magnify that by 10. That's how they feel. In their minds... .they have a constant tape rolling that tells them they are useless, no one wants them... and if someone did there is something wrong with that person... .because how can anyone in their right minds love them?

Being in a r/s with someone with BPD will be tough... .but it can be done. I have been on this board for year and using the tools, and I am starting to see improvements. It's slow... .takes a lot of hard work on our end.

[Keysmiami]

Thanks for the reply. What do you do when they cut you out and your in the black as they say. Is this temporary? Trying to plead does no good. I just saw her kids and thank god there is no ill will towards me from them. Just wish the mom would come to her senses. What is the best advise to give when they shut you out?

[EaglesJuju]

Thanks for the reply. What do you do when they cut you out and your in the black as they say. Is this temporary? Trying to plead does no good. I just saw her kids and thank god there is no ill will towards me from them. Just wish the mom would come to her senses. What is the best advise to give when they shut you out?

It is really hard when a pwBPD "paints us black."    A pwBPD's proclivity for one moment idealizing us then dramatically devaluing us is a coping mechanism.  When a pwBPD "paints us black" they do it as a way to cope with their own intense feelings. 

I have been "painted black" a few times.  BPD is a spectrum disorder, which means that the levels of intensity for traits vary.  My bf has painted me black and then idealized me in a hour long conversation.  Other times when he was severely dysregulating, he was like that for a week. It really depends on the individual. 

The best thing to do is to give a pwBPD space and focus on yourself.  I tried begging and reaching out to my bf and it typically ended up triggering him more and me getting more upset. Allowing your pwBPD space is almost a win-win situation, it gives you time to heal and refocus. 

[Cat Familiar]

It is really hard when a pwBPD "paints us black."    A pwBPD's proclivity for one moment idealizing us then dramatically devaluing us is a coping mechanism.  When a pwBPD "paints us black" they do it as a way to cope with their own intense feelings. 

I have been "painted black" a few times.  BPD is a spectrum disorder, which means that the levels of intensity for traits vary.  My bf has painted me black and then idealized me in a hour long conversation.  Other times when he was severely dysregulating, he was like that for a week. It really depends on the individual. 

The best thing to do is to give a pwBPD space and focus on yourself.  I tried begging and reaching out to my bf and it typically ended up triggering him more and me getting more upset. Allowing your pwBPD space is almost a win-win situation, it gives you time to heal and refocus. 

It's difficult to know if she has moved on or if this is just a phase. I'm sorry you are suffering.    She may or may not come around, but unfortunately, contacting her is likely to make her push away from you even more.