Broken hearts club?

[Mrs.Mclost]

Well another valentines day come and gone with out my uBPDh saying "happy V-day" or any other acknowledgment as to what day it is. I guess my "gift"(again) is being painted.Again I get to be reminded of any and all things I have or am doing wrong! This is, mind you, 2 days after a smaller deregulation with me being deemed a c__t in the end. It gets so wearing, exausting and dehumanizing to be with him for any long periods of time. It's hard to understand how he can keep thinking of the "latest battle/drama" every minute of every hour after hour. I can only listen for so long to the rants and the duplication of phrases! We are nearing our 20th anniversary soon and I feel there is nothing planned, I'm not worth planning for and I feel so un-important, especially compared to whatever else is going on at the time,and there is always always something else! He got mad about taxes($ in general) & that turned into me spending to much.It couldn't be that he took about 2 years off from working! WoW, so NOT happy.I can't even imagine the next 20 yrs, if there will be... .

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[downwhim]

So sorry, sounds exhausting. I have been in an unstable marriage for 22 years so I know how you feel. Why don't you plan what you want to do for your 20th? Are you afraid he will go on and on about money to celebrate or will he just make it known that whatever you chose he wont like? That is usually what I got.

Be good to yourself. Take time out with friends, read, work out just get out and away when you can...

[BadKitty]

I am part of the broken hearts club.

My gift... .

Bpdbf went out with his ex for Valentine's day.

I can't really say anything else since I am still so shocked qnd hurt by this... .

except I'm sorry he treated you that way on this day.   

[Mrs.Mclost]

Hi downwhim  & thanks for your response!:)

Yes, It's all about the $ right now and the last 2 or so years. I get so angry when he is telling me it's all because of my spending(which is minimal, we have no debt)He refuses to see himself and lack of his income as a huge part of the problem of not getting ahead.I have worked at the same place for ,28 yrs, I have never not worked since we have been together(35yrs). He used the excuse of having to do things for our boys (18 & 20 now) like getting them into college etc,the paperwork etc.Well that mission has been accomplished. I tried to let him know that most people do this for their kids AND work!  Then he reverts back to when the boys were toddlers & how he paid the mortgage all those years and the bills. Well, I contributed to paying for daycare and buying the groceries etc, not as much in dollar value but he made more than me then. It's not like I never had an income by not working or did't contribute.On top of that he wants to control the money I make? NOT gonna happen! Thankfully, he has been working on & off which only makes him feel better about himself but the long term outlook is not good. I try to encourage him to apply elsewhere, he is VERY skilled and deserves to be compensated as such ( Job now is for/with an ex partner of his) it's like the thought of working for someone who he doesn't know just terrifies him. He really doesn't have many people in his life to compare what other wives buy. EVERY time I get something that I enjoy he has to tear it apart, and remind me all of what he doesn't have or has sacrificed by not getting .  I tell him he can go get this or that but he refuses. I'm not talking about big expensive things either, things like a pair of earings (10.00) or some candles from the dollar store( every 2 weeks when I get paid). He is having a bad time with me having my own thoughts about life events, but that is my own doing because when i was 15,16 I agreed with every thought he had and worshiped the ground he walked on.But at least I felt like I was important to him then.;(

[Mrs.Mclost]

Oh badkitty I am so sorry for you.I do not have to deal with an ex.Thank god, dealing with my h is so enough some days. We/he never was this bad until about 5-6 yrs ago. Most of what I have read says BPD is supposed to "lighten" up  when people reach forty or so, not so in his case, that's about the time it got worse! By educating myself through this site I have learned the why's and the how's which has helped a lot. I just find myself asking " When did it become OK to talk to me like that?" But what I think has happened is I'm about the only one still around, he has not talked to his mom in at least 4 yrs. Less people in his life , less people to blame and I am now the target when something  goes wrong or changes. He SUCKS at handeling change!Yet change will always happen.right? Thanks for responding, tomorrow will be better:)

[BadKitty]

If it lightens up at 40, I'd hate to know what my BPDbf was like when he was 20 or 30!  

I have learned a lot from this site as well. It has really helped me to understand that I am not the crazy or abnormal one that he tries to make me believe I am. I've learned many ways to deal with the disorder.

My BPDbf is a loner. He has no friends.  I think this is an easy way for them to be but it isn't fun for us because like you said, we have to be the target because there is no one else.

[Mrs.Mclost]

I have a huge problem with this being the target! I have learned to depersonalize things also but at times it's VERY VERY hard. I am trying to work on validation and that has been tough too.Every day I get an "opportunity" to work on my reponse's though, cause every day there is something I have to respond to. My H also tries to flip sh-t around and convince me i'm losing it or am nuts! What hurts me is the feeling I have lost some respect from my kids because they have seen me let him talk to me the way he does, call me names etc. we r currently "stuck" on the same argument. I left after feeling physically at risk this last summer, NEVER was this a threat before, I ended up going to a co-workers to get away and try and think because my head was spinning so fast and he literaly hunted me down started a smear campaign and woirst of all while I was there the 2nd night had our 17 yr old son steal my car.Well co-worker called my car in as stolen and my son was pulled over with the cops guns pointed at him(my H was in another car behind our son, so was right there as all this happened). All after tens of nasty rambling phone messages and questions about what kind of people they are! I have not really forgiven him for putting our son in this position and involving him in his irrational decision. I do get for my son that at the time, he likely felt he had no choice cause he did not want go against his dads insanity or it might come back on him. Easier to go with and not against even though it was a stupid thing to do, especially since no one even tried to approach me in a reasonable way to talk or what ever. The whole thing should not have invovled my kids, but it's the first thing my h went for! How dare he put them in that position! BUt,, its all my fault.BULLS_IT! The next day he (my H ) came to co-workers house and "delivered" most of my wardrobe on her front lawn, and they were all cut to shreads!Nice huh?

[BadKitty]

I think they go for what they think will hurt the most, for you that's your kids. Mine does this to me all the time but I have no kids so for me it's any mistake I've ever made, and how much of a horrible person I am for those mistakes. He even get really low and starts telling me it was my childhood that has messed me up for life. There is not a thing wrong with him, it's all me, and like a broken record he repeats all that is wrong with me, every mistake I've made, every hard time I've been through, it's all my fault.

He has threatened to put all of my things on the front porch but never has luckily. If I found all my things cut to shreds, I think someone would be buying me a new wardrobe. 

[Mrs.Mclost]

 There is not a thing wrong with him, it's all me, and like a broken record he repeats all that is wrong with me, every mistake I've made, every hard time I've been through, it's all my fault.

I can so relate to so much of this. I used to call his attacks "building a mountain" when he starts out triggered by a wrong response (of mine)(1 pebble) then if I didn't respond  "correctly" again(2 shovels of pebbles), I would be buried in reminders of any and all past mistakes(avalanche!), from the past 30 yrs sometimes. They just can't let go and move on. I think a lot of the times when he's ranting, most of what he tries to project on me is an accurate description of what he dislikes in himself,  or thinks other people dislike in him (perceived). I have so many years to reflect on when he wasn't anywhere near this way, it sometimes feels our future is on real shackey ground, I'm hoping we survive, but not like this! Many unresolved issues. M/counseling is helping some,  but we go as we can afford.