setting boundaries... but children to think of.

[Faith280401]

Hello all,

I am new to this so i have been reading and watching videos alot regarding how i can change in order to help BPDh.  I understand that in a perfect world i would be able to walk away when he is raging at me, however, i have a 13 year old son and 13 year old step daughter who witness this.  Now, i could walk out and go for a walk, or go into a different room etc, but i dont want them hearing or witnessing it in the first place. My son already spends all his time in the bedroom when h is at home.  from what i have read h is free to feel and rage and give in to his emotional state, which as a psychology student i understand, and i am an adult, i can take action and walk away and not accept it but what about the children?

Any advice would be greatly appreciated. I just want a happier home, without the 3 of us walking on eggshells and without my children withdrawing x

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[Notwendy]

Fortunately, my H doesn't rage at the kids, but my mother did.

I didn't have much to explain to my kids, since their father is thankfully good to them and reserves his worst stuff for me. I think their issues play out in their most intimate partners and then in others depending on the severity of their disorder. My H enjoys doing fun things with the kids, but the "work" of raising them isn't something he enjoys and that is when he is more likely to be triggered. I took on the "work" part, and ran interference- if I thought the kids were triggering him, I'd get in the middle so he'd rage at me. Not sure this is the best thing to do, but I didn't understand what was going on with him, and I'm protective of the kids.

Mom kept her rages to the family, but that included the kids. I don't know how she would have done in the workplace because she had a traditional marriage ( common in her times).When it came to homemaking, she didn't do that either. There were times that dad took us out to dinner a lot, and I realize now, it probably was not just to eat but to get away from her. Sometimes dad would take us out for long rides in the car. We didn't know why, but now I do.

However, once we got to be teens and were able to be on our own without a sitter, dad would walk out during her rages. I get that this was good as it didn't add his anger to the mix, but this left mom unsupervised with us to do/say whatever she wanted.

I realize that my father had to cope with all of this without the benefit of boards like this, even a diagnosis, or support. What was more damaging to us than the rages was that we were not allowed to talk about mom, or have our own reality validated. We all had to pretend this was normal. Also, dad enlisted us as co-dependents. Our whole life had to revolve around keeping mom happy. One thing that I commend my dad for was getting us away for a while- to summer camps or time with relatives. I'm pretty sure he did it to take the stresss off her of raising us, but it gave us a respite from her and a chance to be with mentally healthier role models.

I do the same with my kids- camps, friends, and also I validate their feelings and their reality. Since they have not witnessed much with dad, they don't ask, but I am honest about my own co-dependency, that I am in 12 step groups and that I am working on myself to deal with what I grew up with. I have told them about my mother and reinforced their boundaries and feelings about her. I want to reinforce their reality and boundaries.

Modeling your own boundaries with your H is a good role model for your kids, however, you have to also teach them to have boundaries with your H. I would get the kids in counseling. Counseling could help them with this and also to process their own feelings as well as deal with any issues such as depression. It is importand for them to have a safe place to express their feelings and it isn't with their parents.

Your son keeping to his room is his boundary, but too much isolation would make me concerned . I used to spend a lot of time in my room listening to music, but my mom would bust into our rooms when she wanted to, even as an adult. I don't stay at her house when I visit, because she will walk in and rage at me, at all hours, or scream so loud that nobody sleeps. If I stay somewhere else, I can walk away. Where are your kids safe?

[Faith280401]

Hi notwendy,

Thanks for your reply. It sounds like you are doing a wonderful job with your kids after going through so much. H doesnt rage at my son, i must have made that boundary very clear withot realising it, i think he knows what woukd happen if he did. However, we have his daughter half of the week and i really think she is a trigger. the poor girl has enough to deal with (big issues with her mother which arent helped by my h) But the three nights she is with us h is on edge and tense the entire time. Its horrible to watch. I do all the 'work' with/for both kids, h cant handle it at all. But, he will do fun stuff with my son, they went to a footie game together yesterday and they will sit and play games consoles together, the sad thing is, he wont with his own daughter. This leads me to believe that he has some self control over his mood/rages/attitude?

There isnt much i can do for my step daughter, after countless arguments about how its non of my business (when i even suggest that at least one of her parents shoukd be contacting her school because she is crying over homework and being moved down to lower sets in core subjects), i am expected to do the work, but have no other say about anything. When it comes to my son however, i do have a say because i am all he has. I try to validate him and we go out on our own, as h very rarely wants to leave the house (unless its something for himself e.g. the football game yesterday).  In fact we went out today, and he confided in me that had told him about BPD on way home from football.  Counselling for him sounds like a brilliant idea, im not sure how to get it for him here in the uk though? He coukd do with someone to talk to other than me. He does go on camp for two weeks in the summer with boys brigade and i take him to see my parents during some school holidays, he also goes out to play football and rugby (hes sports mad) with friends. I guess i coukd be being over protective and guilty for making him put up with this lifestyle, the choices i make are for the both of us and after being a single parent for 9 years and always putting my sons wellbeing first i am not used to making choices that coukd be detrimental to him.

[Notwendy]

I don't know how counseling works in the UK. I am in the US and there is a shortage of mental health services, especially for people who need public health ( which I understand is the primary service in the UK). However, if a mental health professional is not available, there may be ways to get some form of support. In my 12 step co-dependency group, my sponsor has been a support. There are alanon groups for teens and while alcohol may not be your H's issue, many families cope with a disordered parent the same way they cope with an alcoholic parent:enabling, walking on eggshells, and so both you and the kids might benefit from these kinds of programs. Other sources are from your religious groups, scouts, - any way to have a sane, supportive adult in your childrens' lives can have some positive impact. However, also be cautious of people in these posititions who are drawn to children with poor boundaries and may take advantage of that. I don't want to make you paranoid, but whenever a child is afraid to say no or defend themselves, they become vulnerable.

[Faith280401]

I totally agree with you. I was a youthworker before i went back to university, which i suppose could be adding to my cautiousness when it comes to the children. I will definitely do some research into getting him someone to talk to. Maybe his school can help. Thankyou.