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Author Topic: Learning to walk  (Read 380 times)
halfalump

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« on: February 15, 2015, 10:58:57 AM »

For nearly 6 of the 6 1/2 years we've been together, my wife was on some form of antidepressant medication (mostly SSRIs). During that time, I witnessed occasional bouts of anxiety, anger and depression. Many of the more serious episodes coincided with a change in meds or dosage and her emotional/behavioral dysregulation tended to dissipate fairly quickly. I thought I had seen everything and that I knew this person very well when I married her after 5 years of living together, but I was wrong.

About a year and a half ago, she declared her intent to wean herself completely off her medication. I supported this decision, because I knew it was important to her, and I believed she knew herself. Over the course of about a year, she very gradually decreased her dose, until she was finally completely drug-free midway through 2014.

About 2-3 months later, an upsetting event set off a severe emotional reaction by my wife that was breathtaking in its intensity. Since that time, I have been riding a sometimes-terrifying emotional roller coaster. There are good days and sometimes a whole week will go by without incident, but the suddenness with which a good day can become an extremely bad one has left me feeling confused, constantly on edge, lost and uncertain of anything. I have endured many sustained hours of her screaming, rage, threats of suicide, begging me to kill her, etc. triggered sometimes by something as small as her adding too much salt to a dish she is cooking or seeing a picture that reminds her of something upsetting. I have watched her inflict serious physical harm to herself without flinching. I have feared for her life frequently, and even for my own a couple of times. I have been blamed, verbally abused and physically threatened. And I've often found myself consoling the person who had just attacked me.

Most believe my wife is an incredibly kind, creative, generous, nurturing, thoughtful person, and they are right, but there is a very dark side that no one really knows but me. I believe she has BPD.

We have to walk before we run, and right now I'm trying to learn to walk. My immediate goal is to get support for myself. My longer term goal is to help her get competent professional help.
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waverider
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If YOU don't change, things will stay the same


« Reply #1 on: February 17, 2015, 12:46:40 AM »

 Welcome

It is hard to see what feels like progress (her commitment to removing meds) only to have it backfire.

Were these meds prescribed and subsequently removed under appropriate professional advice? An emotionally unstable mind is not the one to judge.

Coming off gave her a task, goal, objective. The result a sense of achievement which is a tonic in itself. Once that tonic has worn off she is then vulnerable to a trigger as has happened and she has no safety coping mechanism to fall back on.

Meds are not the answer to BPD but they can be a buffer against some of the associated issues, which can derail genuine coping. Anxiety, panic depression etc.

Is your wife open to seeking professional help?

You cannot do this by yourselves, it is too complicated and you will loose perspective.

Waverider
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Enoch
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« Reply #2 on: February 17, 2015, 04:49:47 AM »

Saying "Welcome" to the boards seems a little odd... .but you have found a great place to work thru your challenges. Waverider gave you sound advice. here's a little more... .read, read, read... .all you can about the illness.

It's not your fault. You did not cause it. But you are living with it. Learn how to protect yourself. Learn how to take care of your own soul and mind. If you cannot breath in the relationship, then you are part of the problem. You can only change "You".

Learn about healthy boundaries. Learn how to adjust your hopes and dreams... .expectations. It's going to take a long time... .but if you decide to stay in the relationship, then this is the work, the way forward. You cannot change her. Her healing is her responsibility.

What can you do in the short term? Keep your side of the sidewalk clean. Be resolute that you will not participate in the chaos. If she is screaming at you, walk away. Prepare in advance, because we all know it will happen again. You need a safety net... .someplace to go. I put together an overnight kit and keep it in a safe place outside the house. (My SO was/is violent and get's physical... .my best defense is to remind her her of my boundaries and walk away no matter what) I keep the car outside and keep a spare key... .She knows how to trap me... .so I am prepared for most circumstances. I have friends that I can call when I need a place to stay or a ride.

I do not get in the car with her when he is dis-regulated. It's not a safe place. Walking or calling a cab or Uber is safe.

Yeah, I know... .it's like that. And the more you read on the site, you will see that more or less, we are all in the same boat. Staying is hard work.
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waverider
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If YOU don't change, things will stay the same


« Reply #3 on: February 17, 2015, 05:53:53 AM »

What can you do in the short term? Keep your side of the sidewalk clean. Be resolute that you will not participate in the chaos. If she is screaming at you, walk away. Prepare in advance, because we all know it will happen again. You need a safety net... .someplace to go. I put together an overnight kit and keep it in a safe place outside the house. (My SO was/is violent and get's physical... .my best defense is to remind her her of my boundaries and walk away no matter what) I keep the car outside and keep a spare key... .She knows how to trap me... .so I am prepared for most circumstances. I have friends that I can call when I need a place to stay or a ride.

This is important, it is your safety plan. You never need use it, but knowing it is there removes a lot of the trapped feeling allowing you to make better decisions
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Enoch
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« Reply #4 on: February 17, 2015, 04:17:12 PM »

Halfalump... .I really hope I didn't come on too strong in my reply this morning. It's just that your situation sounded exactly like mine. I've been working thru my own part of the dysfunction for about five years now. Even to the point of filing a police report for the physical stuff and getting a restraining order against my DBPDW. Once her actions went public, she decided to stop hit and kicking me. (biting and scratching, throwing stuff... .you name it)

So, you can see that my Safety plan is really important and I do use it. I have also given my children permission to walk away from their mom when she is dis-regulated. It's their only form of protection. (This was tough one to put into place because kids like to push buttons and can be selfish too) But, they know I will follow up and I have their back when it comes to emotional abuse. I also make sure they aren't playing me!

Waverider is right... .it makes a huge difference knowing that I am not trapped and that walking away doesn't leave me stranded outside in the cold. I have some trusted friends that would take me in or just come get me if I standing along side the road somewhere because I chose to get out of the car when she dis-regulates. I've had to choose that safe plan several times. I always keep my cell phone in my pocket... .it's my life line sometimes.

Over time, I've learned to slow everything down. My responses, my validation, my sarcasm (which had to go away completely)... .There are times when the best I can do is "just not make it worse". When she gets crazy, I walk away... .period.

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halfalump

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« Reply #5 on: February 17, 2015, 06:44:31 PM »

The walking away thing is terrifying because I believe she is capable of anything and my walking away could be the action that triggers her suicide.

Halfalump... .I really hope I didn't come on too strong in my reply this morning. It's just that your situation sounded exactly like mine.

Not at all. I really appreciate the replies and will be processing and replying more as soon as I get some time.

Thanks!
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waverider
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If YOU don't change, things will stay the same


« Reply #6 on: February 17, 2015, 07:01:54 PM »

Here is a workshop you may find useful if you have to deal with the threat of suicide

TOOLS: Dealing with threats of Suicide and Suicide Attempts
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halfalump

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« Reply #7 on: February 18, 2015, 05:06:14 PM »

Were these meds prescribed and subsequently removed under appropriate professional advice? An emotionally unstable mind is not the one to judge.

Her mind seemed considerably more stable when she was on the meds. I didn't realize it at the time (at least to the degree I do now), but my uBPDw has a very rigid categorization system. Things are either bad or good, with very little consideration of compromise or "lesser evil". So, after reading some NYT articles that convinced her that SSRIs belonged in the "bad" category, she was determined to rid herself of them completely, and anyone who advised otherwise got moved into the "bad" category as well. That includes her (now former) therapist and psychopharmacologist.

Had I better understood the dynamic of what was playing out, I would have strongly encouraged her to slow way down and think things through, made sure she was keeping her therapist informed of her actions, etc. Probably, though, I unconsciously wanted to stay off of her "bad" list as well, so I somewhat unquestioningly supported her in the thing she wanted, told her I would help her explore alternative, non-drug therapies, etc. That's all well and good, except that in her current state, she's lost nearly all motivation to help herself and has rejected every attempt I've made to nudge her back into some kind of professional guidance.

Is your wife open to seeking professional help?

In theory, yes. But it's become "my job". And of course, whatever I come up with is never right for one reason or another. Or, "it's not a good time to talk about it", because she's too emotional. And when she gets upset, it's my fault for not getting her help quickly enough.
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halfalump

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Relationship status: Married since 2013
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« Reply #8 on: February 18, 2015, 05:23:28 PM »

Here is a workshop you may find useful if you have to deal with the threat of suicide

When I read the parts that say "take every suicide threat seriously... .do not leave the suicidal person alone," I'm left feeling like I have no choice but to endure the abuse, because nearly every one of her episodes, big or small, includes some form of "I don't want to do this anymore/I want out/I was never supposed to be here/I want to be dead... "

I often picture the scenario where I am forced to call the police and she is pulled away screaming, the neighbors peeking their heads out to see what's going down. I don't think she could survive the shame of that. So, I dig a little deeper and endure a little more.

That said, if it ever becomes unendurable, I do have an escape plan.
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waverider
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Posts: 7405


If YOU don't change, things will stay the same


« Reply #9 on: February 18, 2015, 08:04:24 PM »

Is your wife open to seeking professional help?

In theory, yes. But it's become "my job". And of course, whatever I come up with is never right for one reason or another. Or, "it's not a good time to talk about it", because she's too emotional. And when she gets upset, it's my fault for not getting her help quickly enough.

You need to put the brakes on this, I faced it to. It will keep increasing, the stress will rise. Eventually it will be "all your fault". You are far too close to be objective about things as well as not sufficiently experienced. Your job is to provide stability and support not to fix.
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waverider
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: married 8 yrs, together 16yrs
Posts: 7405


If YOU don't change, things will stay the same


« Reply #10 on: February 18, 2015, 08:07:21 PM »

I often picture the scenario where I am forced to call the police and she is pulled away screaming, the neighbors peeking their heads out to see what's going down. I don't think she could survive the shame of that. So, I dig a little deeper and endure a little more.

The shame of that may provide the dose of reality she needs to address it iun a more healthy way.

The police wont pull her away screaming, odds are she will calm down quick smart and claim it was all a mistake.

Enduring is to dig a deeper hole. One day we have to get out of that hole
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