Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
March 29, 2024, 08:17:09 AM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Kells76, Once Removed, Turkish
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, EyesUp, SinisterComplex
  Help!   Boards   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Survey: How do you compare?
Adult Children Sensitivity
67% are highly sensitive
Romantic Break-ups
73% have five or more recycles
Physical Hitting
66% of members were hit
Depression Test
61% of members are moderate-severe
108
Pages: [1]   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: Newbee Feb. 15  (Read 357 times)
Hippercampus

Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Separated
Posts: 4



« on: February 15, 2015, 05:06:49 PM »

Hi: I stumbled across this site a few days ago and wow, what  a wonderful online resource for those involved with a partner with BPD (lets call her L). I write this the day after VDay. Clearly a day of significance in many a pwBPD's lives.  I have a good understanding of BPD and clearly my girlfriend could be accurately diagnosed with it. My therapist who I have seen for years helped me see this. She is a very attractive younger woman with a big heart who I have fallen in love with, but in the process on a regular basis her "diss-ease" "not who she is" is the source of both our suffering. Despite numerous break ups and getting back togethers and manipulation and chaotic behavior on her part I have come to the point where I cannot figure out whether I am in love with her or just addicted to her... .I just cannot seem to get her out of my mind.  The games and manipulation that we both are guilty of, just fuel the cycle and the pain. Yes, we do have brief periods of sanity. And she is incredibly funny and smart in her own way... .qualities that I enjoy in her. I think I am selfish myself for staying in this relationship. My friends and family tell me I should dump her and move on. I know I can, But I don't want to. Our sex life is one aspect of our relationship which is for lack a better term: mind blowing... .and hence the addiction issue that likely plays a part in not being able to let her go. I once thought I could help her and change her. I realize I am powerless to do that. Though I hope with more insight I may be able to at least help myself do what is best for us both... .  staying or leaving her. I've tried the latter numerous unsuccessful times. I struggle with accepting her and managing myself and living with this kind of relationship or just closing the door completely and be done with her.

Part of my story: I am currently separated as a result of this relationship with her. My wife found out about me and L and I did not want to end my relationship with myBPD partner. I love my wife deeply, she is a saint... .but we were in a sexless marriage for years. We had moments of non sexual intimacy, but being a man (and as selfish as it may sound to the women out there: A man has got to eat) My wife and I could have made it work if I wanted to, but I didn't. I just did not find her sexually attractive, but underneath the surface she is a beautiful and loving women... .yes shallow, superficial that I am, I chose to leave.

One issue with L is that she is divorced with 2 children who are 9 and 10 years old. The child raising issue is another issue... .in any case she constantly says she wants a husband and wants me to be that husband. She wants me to get to know her children and help take care of them.  Yes, I have my own issues. I know I am not ready to jump in to a relationship where I will be taking care of her children and her. Her children luckily have a loving grandmother and L's ex husband who helps take care of the children about 80% as L works full time. The children have a good support system, though of course L is also raising them when she is not working her job. This "you say are not going to marry me" is the common theme for our arguments and her acting out. And that theme has been getting more attention as of late... .we have been together now for 2 years. The most recent acting out / drama (1 week ago) is that she got drunk and went over to a former boyfriends house and slept with him.  The boyfriend ultimately ended up sending me a picture of her in his bed past out saying he gives up, all she talks about is you but she says she loves me... .she is playing us both... .she has been sleeping with me on and off for months... .I was not totally surprised since her old boyfriend is commonly discussed and I believe she does have feelings for him. In any case I ended up calling and talking to him for an hour and our discussion was quite enlightening... .and brought back what my therapist said about her having BPD.  He shared with me all the sleeping together that apparently was going on with him while I had been with her... .he also shared with me that his mother had BPD. I told him my father no doubt had Narcissistic Behavioral Disorder and/or BPD. We got along well but it is obvious we still have some competition to be with her. We both agreed we would "Close all doors" given this event and neither of us see her but of course that did not happen :/  She found out that me and her old boyfriend talked and that I knew... .well of course yelling screaming and meltdown... .We (not her) were the villains... .the logic of her argument is truly psychotic and laughable... .Anyway, I suggested that we all get together to talk about the situation. So all three of us ended up meeting to discuss what happened over dinner. Awkward! I basically offered that it is obvious that her boyfriend and me both have strong feelings for her, we both enjoy sleeping with her, and we care about her and recognize her instability that we just get this all out in the open... .I said now that we know we can be transparent with one another. If we both want to be/sleep with her then we will have to be okay with that as long as L is honest with us both. A polyamourous proposal of sorts... .L ultimately said she would love to have two boyfriends and was willing to be honest with us both. So she spent VDay with her old BF and his kids and spent VDay evening with me. Well last night we talked some and I get some sense that L may not be all that "fine" with a polyamorous arrangement... .also her old BF may not be either. So she played today off saying she didn't plan to sleep with him anytime soon, that he was too "clingy" and she wasn't to into that right now... .of course I caution myself that this may be her disease talking Smiling (click to insert in post)  So that is where I am right now... .stuck in love with a pwBPD and at the start of a questionable polyamorous relationship triangle.  I welcome your comments/opinions... .I won't take offense at any as it is clear: if you are on this site we are in the same boat, judge not lest you be judged! Namaste.  -Hippercampus 
Logged
RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING
This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

waverider
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: married 8 yrs, together 16yrs
Posts: 7405


If YOU don't change, things will stay the same


« Reply #1 on: February 17, 2015, 01:37:36 AM »

Hi Hippercampus

Your story is not unusual, parts of mine are in there and parts of many others.

What you are addicted to is engagement with her. It makes you feel alive with the whole spectrum of emotions. There is no humdrum, there is no ordinary. There will be lots of challenges, and adrenalin. An enormous amount of tasks and hurdles to climb. You will have short term wins which give you satisfaction (rescuing), but these soon collapse and more chaos ensues and you have another challenge to rise to.

How long can you continue trekking over the mountains until they all seem like the same, your sense of direction and perspective is gone, and you are worn out?

Negotiating compromises and will fail. Poly arrangements will not go to plan. You cannot satisfy her need for drama, fulfill the issue of the day and the need will create another. Need is a process, or activity, not an objective. You cannot fill a process it is ongoing.

So what does this mean? It means that you are constantly being reactive and trying to work around her. Meaning the basic you is unstable. You bounce off each other.

You will need to create your own stable self. What do you want? You need to be a benchmark that she oscillates around maybe be. If she is allowed to introduce another gravitational pull you will never have any stability.

Instability is the hallmark of BPD, you will need to enforce this or you will be swallowed by it.

have read of this

How a Borderline Personality Disorder Love Relationship Evolves

Waverider

Logged

  Reality is shared and open to debate, feelings are individual and real
vortex of confusion
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 3234



« Reply #2 on: February 17, 2015, 01:36:20 PM »

Hi Hippercampus!

You are not alone. I have found myself in the middle of a BPD poly triangle too. The only way to get out of it and make any sense of things is to figure out what YOU want. It isn't easy. I am trying to work on staying with my husband of 16.5 years while trying to figure out how to walk away from a "relationship" with a lover that I picked up while my husband and I were trying out the poly/open relationship thing.

I have friends that have been in successful poly relationships. It requires a lot of communication, honesty, and trust. It is very difficult to have those things with somebody that has a lot of BPD traits. I am seeing how similar my husband and lover are and trying to figure out things about myself like, "Why do I allow myself to be treated so poorly?" "Why don't I have better boundaries?" "Why can't I walk away from my lover without looking back?" Part of me likes the excitement. There are some other things that I am seeing about myself that is helping me to be more committed to working on things with my husband while walking away from my lover.

I would recommend reading lots and lots of stuff, especially the stuff about understanding your role in the relationship.
Logged
Hippercampus

Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Separated
Posts: 4



« Reply #3 on: March 04, 2015, 01:25:38 AM »

Thanks Vortex and Waverider for your strength and experience. The drama played out this past weekend. L clearly is not interested in the poly thing. The other guy she is seeing she is still seeing. He texted me with a picture of her in a hotel they were at he previous weekend. He said "are we going to let her continue to play us? She told me she wasn't seeing you but I know that isn't true" I responded that I am not surprised by her behavior and yes I was with her while he was texting me. L left came back in a rage since me and her other boyfriend were texting about her. She asked me if I would commit to her and be her only boyfriend and she would leave the other guy. I knew this wasn't ever going to happen so I told her I don't care that she is seeing the other guy and NO I am not committing to her. She stormed out and we haven't contacted each other for 3 days. Her other boyfriend just texted me that he doesn't think she has BPD (which I had told him I felt she had... .see my intro post) and that L has a big heart and he was going to take care of her because she needs someone to love her. Well... .I'l wondering if she got on his phone and texted me that... .because he texted me on her phone a few weeks back after he found out we were still seeing each other... .anyway... .its all crazy drama. I have mixed feelings: on one hand I miss her but on the other I see this as totally nutz and why cannot I not extract myself from this chaos... .in the mean time the rest of my life is actually going okay... .I am trying to focus more on my own self care with reading, meditation, fitness, eating well, etc. But the thought of her still clouds my mind often... .I still keep rationalizing that I will see her again.
Logged
waverider
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: married 8 yrs, together 16yrs
Posts: 7405


If YOU don't change, things will stay the same


« Reply #4 on: March 04, 2015, 01:47:43 AM »

Do you fear the potential grief of losing someone who is a little "out there"? Do think life would be dull without her? Is that what you fear?

It is hard to walk away from excitement, even if that excitement comes at price. That is the basis of addiction, we all think we can handle it, have it under control and can leave it anytime. Unfortunately you can't interact with BPD at a safe distance. You are either wholly in and committed, or out.
Logged

  Reality is shared and open to debate, feelings are individual and real
Hippercampus

Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Separated
Posts: 4



« Reply #5 on: March 04, 2015, 11:40:04 AM »

Do you fear the potential grief of losing someone who is a little "out there"? Do think life would be dull without her? Is that what you fear?

It is hard to walk away from excitement, even if that excitement comes at price. That is the basis of addiction, we all think we can handle it, have it under control and can leave it anytime. Unfortunately you can't interact with BPD at a safe distance. You are either wholly in and committed, or out.

YES, thank you... .I have always been an adrenalin junky and obviously I have my own issues, addiction/ obsessive compulsive tendencies, ADD, etc. ... .but yes I suppose I find it hard to walk away from the excitement. I am a very successful professional... .But I am aware... .I can see that I find myself thinking/looking for something or someone to replace that excitement to somehow make it easier to cut it off with L... .I see it ... .so then what do I do?  It is clear I am as effed up as she likely is but have some sense that something is not quite right... .So yes I keep reading: it is Just like the BPD : Black and White... .Totally in or Totally OUT... There doesn't seem to be   shades of gray with the interaction... .though I have been trying to convince myself of that.  But if I stay present and in the moment: I look at it for what it is, accept the situation,  see my thoughts and feelings, be mindful... .recognize I have a choice. Despite the fact that this whole thing causes pain/discomfort at times on the other hand this is all entertaining (at times) ludicrous and laughable... .makes for a great screen play  Smiling (click to insert in post) I mean I stopped watching TV and going to the Movies and Theater... .this is much better!
Logged
waverider
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: married 8 yrs, together 16yrs
Posts: 7405


If YOU don't change, things will stay the same


« Reply #6 on: March 04, 2015, 06:34:37 PM »

To be a base jumper you have to overcome your vertigo and fear of broken bones. Otherwise you will never achieve your dreams

It is also difficult to get a base jumper to climb back down the mountain, when a thrill fix is only a step away. Sometimes they just have to do that as not every jump is safe.

It is important to know the boundaries of recklessness and your own capabilities.

We are here to help members learn how to deal with this, eventually it will be up to individuals to decide whether the risk is worth the reward, and whether they are properly equipped.
Logged

  Reality is shared and open to debate, feelings are individual and real
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2024?

Pages: [1]   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2023 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
AskingWhy
At Bay
Cat Familiar
CoherentMoose
drained1996
EZEarache
Flora and Fauna
ForeverDad
Gemsforeyes
Goldcrest
Harri
healthfreedom4s
hope2727
khibomsis
Lemon Squeezy
Memorial Donation (4)
Methos
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
P.F.Change
Penumbra66
Red22
Rev
SamwizeGamgee
Skip
Swimmy55
Tartan Pants
Turkish
whirlpoollife



Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!