It's been a while...

[Cat21]

Hi there. It's been a while since my last post (nearly 4 months, actually). I was an avid reader/poster for about 6 months or so; learned a lot about the tools, got myself into therapy, and just about 4 months ago, I discovered that I was pregnant. My uBPDh and I were thrilled at the news, and I noticed an immediate change in my husband. Within the first few weeks of my pregnancy, he became very attentive and arguments ceased. I was very skeptical that this behavior would continue, as most of you can imagine, but I went with the flow. The regular issues that drove me crazy diminished and even disappeared: no nagging, no circular arguments, very little disagreement about anything at all- it felt like the twilight zone at first, but as I said- I went with it and began to think that maybe, just MAYBE, this pregnancy was "the thing" that would spark change in him.

I began to feel more empowered- instead of always worrying about validating him and being concerned with his feelings in order to keep the peace, I made it (and am making it) about me and the baby. To my surprise, he was capable of having logical conversations and listening to my wants and needs- he even proved to be empathetic and supportive over Christmas which was difficult, due to some family health issues. In therapy, I've been working to own my anger and not always worry about setting him (or others) off. I finally feel like I'm coming into my own with this- I'm able to articulate how I feel if he pisses me off or behaves in a manner that I don't like, and I honestly don't feel bad or guilty for expressing myself. For the most part, he hasn't pushed back.

However... .

The last 3 or 4 weeks, I've noticed some traits reappearing. I should also mention that in addition to having our first child, we are also both working full time, both pursuing grad. degrees (full time), and house hunting- if that isn't stressful enough, I'm not sure what is.

I have been the primary person conducting house hunt; he has claimed that he doesn't really care much what type of house we get, as long as it has adequate space and is a good investment for the price. Home prices where we live are high, and the competition is fierce- you better buy it when you see it, because it's gone within a few days. Anyway, the last 3 weeks (with the house hunt) has brought about the following things:

1. Claiming not to care about the details of the house, aesthetics or otherwise, yet complaining/shutting down all consideration of making an offer when actually seeing the house in person.

2. Nagging- small things like "this bag of crackers is nearly open; it could have spilled!" (oh the horror). Mentioning said small things multiple times.

3. Accusing me (the wife) of being irresponsible/unable of completing simple tasks; ex: "I can't ask for your help on mortgage documents because you'll make a mistake and I'll have to correct your work. It's easier if I can just do it myself. I won't make a mistake."

4. Coming home drunk several times in the last few weeks after hanging out with a friend whom I've asked he see less of many times. Doesn't care that his drunken behavior bothers me.

I am certain that the stress of buying the house (on top of all of the other major life changes) has "set him off"; that usually how things go with him. But if this stress is causing this behavior, I'm worried about what's going to happen when the baby comes!

Thoughts? Comments?

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[Grey Kitty]

  Cat21

I guess I gotta say I'm sorry to see you back all told--At least I wish everything was going well enough for you to stay gone.

I am certain that the stress of buying the house (on top of all of the other major life changes) has "set him off"; that usually how things go with him. But if this stress is causing this behavior, I'm worried about what's going to happen when the baby comes!

My first comment is that you previously learned a lot of tools very well, and it is probably time to step your game back up again. I'm sure you already know that.

My next thought is yes--people do show you what they are made of in times of stress, and will bring out their worst, whatever that is. (Curiously, my wife's latest version of 'worst' under a LOT of stress still didn't include any attempts of verbal/physical abuse. Change is possible there!)

One pragmatic suggestion: Don't buy a house in the next couple years if at all possible!

1. It is creating more stress at a time where your now-growing family does NOT need extra stress.

2. The biggest financial benefit of owning a house is long-term appreciation. That requires long-term stability. In the short term, being financially tied to an asset that may not be easy to liquidate could cost you a lot... .and commissions and closing costs on both ends will probably make short-term ownership far wrose than renting. Remember that hot housing markets can crash pretty suddenly. I could see several reasons you would need or want to move soon:

A: You graduate, and that pushes you to a new job in a new place

B: Your H graduates and that pushes him to a new job in a new place.

C: Childcare options/choices pushes a career change, or a move near family that can help with child care. Or switching to full-time parenting instead of working.

D: The stress of parenting really messes with your H--leading you to separate--to protect your child. (I know several members here who were willing to put up with far more abuse from their spouse than they really wished they had looking back at it... .but found resolve to protect their kids, and ended the marriage.



How do you think your H would react if you said "Lets put off buying a house until a year or two into our kid's life, when everything else is more stable" ?

For that matter, how do you feel about it?

[Cat21]

Hi Grey Kitty- thanks for your thoughts.

As far as moving now goes, we pretty much have to; we live in a 1 bedroom condo (which we own) that is already too small for the 2 of us, let alone a new baby. We could probably get away with staying here for a few months after the baby is born, but to me, the stress of buying a house/moving WITH a baby seems worse than doing it now! Not to mention the fact that my husband's parents (and mine) will be coming to stay with us for periods of time to help with child care. We already have a tenant lined up to rent our condo so we won't be paying 2 mortgages at once. We have entertained the idea of renting a house if we can't find something in time, but again- moving multiple times (I think) will be more stressful in the long run.

It is indeed time to step up my game. I haven't become complacent, but I've certainly not been en garde. I'm not entirely sure what that looks like just yet.

[Olinda]

I second grey kitty s suggestion. Any way you can put off on buying a house? Yes, moving multiple times in two or three years is stressful, but this is a lot all at once. Even couples with two healthy partners would struggle with all that you have going on.

[Grey Kitty]

Moving to a bigger place that you need. 

Signing a 30-year mortgage with your husband during a time of crisis and instability in your marriage.     

I hate to be cynical, but if your marriage blows up after you buy a bigger house with your husband, your chances of staying in it and not moving a second time seem very small. And moving during a divorce won't be less stressful.

The sudden improvement you saw in your husband when you got pregnant doesn't sound like something that is sustainable on its own. I have to say that it is a very good sign, and gives me a lot of hope that he can get over his BPD behaviors. However that is not the same as accomplishing it. My wife managed to heal the things inside her that drove her to abusive behaviors. It actually did happen overnight... .but that night was the culmination of three years of her working on her own issues in her own way, not an isolated event. That was two and a half years ago. It wasn't the end of what my wife had to work on. I don't think our marriage will survive the next bit of it.

Your husband took a 10-step jump forward. He's taken one step back. I'm not sure where he will end up. I'm VERY confident that the ride isn't over yet! There is a lot of two steps forward, one step back for him.

I also think that reducing the stress load (by not buying a house!) will allow you more time for both you and your husband to work things out that you will need to do. It will give you better chances of making things work out well.

[Cat21]

Thanks for your thoughts. I don't see any way around moving, but perhaps we can discuss the renting vs. buying option. To be clear, things have certainly been much worse than they are now, so it doesn't really feel like a crisis to me, but I certainly realize that it won't get any easier if the stress keeps up. I'm fairly certain my H will be against renting (he feels it's an enormous waste of money), but it's worth bringing it up.

[Grey Kitty]

If you are afraid to even discuss renting vs. buying, that itself would be a bad sign.

My take on the instability/crisis in your marriage--you really don't know how he will handle being a father. It will demand something new out of him... .he may rise to the occasion, or he may trip badly.

My suggestion is to hope for the best--people have an amazing tendency to live up to your expectations of them... .without making critical plans based on best-case scenarios.