New here. Please help.

[Their Dad]

Hello,

I am the father of S7 and D3.  My PD wife very unexpectedly filed for divorce and moved out seven months ago.  The judge ordered shared equal custody.  Between her venomous anger, years of belittling/disparagement/withdraw of affection and sudden departure, I am at such a loss and find myself pining for someone that was so toxic to me.  (And blames me for everything.)  I am hurting so much and find the thought of parenting with her post divorce to be very painful and sad.   I am looking for help on how to accept this, take care of myself and deal with her while we raise the children in two households. 

Thank you in advance.

Their Dad

[whirlpoollife]

Welcome to BPD family.  We understand the frustration and emotional mess you are in right now.

They are many here that  help you navigate thru the times ahead.  Follow posts and read workshops . 

Ask questions, no matter how small or trivial you may think it is. 

Take care of yourself. You are not being shellfish in doing so. Counseling helped me understand that. When I was first asked , what did you do for yourself today? I cried because I coudnt think of an answer.

Exercise is important.  A little everyday. Men can do yoga too , it's a calming strees relief.

By taking care of you, it will make you stronger to be able to up with stuff your ex will throw at you.

There are books to read, one is , ":)ivorce Poison" . It's on PA... parental alienation, which pwPD are pron to.

You will find yourself being a better parent being away from the person with PD... .personality disorder.

[livednlearned]

Hi Their Dad,

You've been through a lot -- and it's confusing to still feel attraction to someone who can be so toxic. Often these confusing feelings go back a long way, to conditioning in childhood where we first learned what it meant to be in intimate close relationships. It takes a while to recover and heal, not to mention some time and support. With kids involved, it's a different type of recovery, and slightly different tools to manage the impact of BPD on the kids and two households.

You're in the right place. People here understand what you're going through.

Some of what you describe is straight up grief. Have you looked at the Lessons on the Leaving board? It really helps to know that there are stages, as well as milestones that others are working through. Also skills. You'll learn a whole new way of being yourself in the world, much more healthy. This is something you'll be able to pass along to your kids, who need your help.

A book that really helped me (I have a S13 who was 9 when I left) is Bill Eddy's book Don't Alienate the Kids. Even if your ex has not started the loyalty binds with the kids, there is a good chance she will, like whirlpoollife mentioned in her post. The book does a nice job of describing the attachment issues at the root of healthy/healthy human bonds, and how that impacts your ex, you, and how you can help your kids develop secure attachments. It also made me realize how much my son was going to need me to model what it means to be emotionally healthy. Best journey I've ever been on.

Divorce is painful, and divorce with a BPD ex even more so. I echo what whirlpool said too about doing something for yourself, even something small. Every day. It's important that you take care of yourself in some small way to break the constant stream of negativity coming your way, including the negativity you may be pointing at yourself. Someone has to look out for you, and you're just the man for the job. 

Everything else is based on this. It just is.

What kind of custody arrangement is in place with your kids? How are they doing?

[Their Dad]

Thanks for your response. 

There are pending custody issues as what we have now are temporary orders.  (A 3-2-2 schedule.)  I understand that they typically become permanent.

I have been taking care of myself with a therapist, attending single parent groups, joining a book club and trying to keep especially busy when the children at with their mother.  I thinkni am through the molecule crushing grief and have moved on to sadness and anger.  The grief returns from time to time. (Usually after trying to reason with her on the phone.)

As for the children, S7 has been acting up in school and making comments about wishes mommy and daddy were still together.  The littler one is clearly confused and hurting as it reads all over her face especially at bed time. It is as if she is processing with lots of confusion and hurt.

I wished there was something I could do to turn this around but realize this is likely the best option given the circumstances.

Thank you,

TD

[livednlearned]

How do you respond to your D and S when they're feeling sad? How you respond is probably the most important way to turn things around with them. It sounds like you are struggling to stay afloat when the crush of feelings coming up -- I think it's harder when the other person leaves, there is an extra wave of grief about being abandoned that can take longer to process.

It's understandable to want to stay busy so you aren't consumed with these feelings. But if you can, it's better to lean all the way in and really feel them and clean that stuff out. Otherwise your kids will do the same and stuffed feelings become numb feelings. That's how we end up in these toxic relationships, not knowing how we feel, not knowing how to use that emotional intelligence to help guide us to safe people and safe relationships. Lesson 5 to the right has a bunch of information about validation if you haven't already started doing this with your kids. There's a book called Power of Validation that's excellent, written specifically for parents. And unlike many things in life, it starts to work immediately. It's better than a pill 

It's literally heart breaking what happens in these divorces. It won't always be this way -- you're reaching out for help and doing a lot of things to take care of yourself. Keep following that thread, whatever is in you is to be trusted. It's pushing you forward to heal and get better.

I was married for 10 years, and it took me 2 full years before I felt whole again. The good news is that I felt better than I ever had. And it helped me raise a resilient kid -- we changed the family script that went back for generations. The bad news is that getting to that place hurt.    There is some logic to this emotional trajectory, but you do have to do the work, it's a bit more than just "time heals all wounds" kind of thing.

This is a good place to come sort things out.