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Author Topic: Not 100% certain I have my bearings  (Read 347 times)
Ddad17
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 2


« on: February 15, 2015, 11:06:06 PM »

I need support and perhaps reading materials,

My main area of concern is my relationship with my wife.  When we have a conversation I always need to be the person who is wrong, the person who is trying to blame the other, and most commonly the person who is not listening.  I'm not saying I'm a perfect listener, I have my own difficulties with understanding how to read between lines. Ex: Earlier today I was trying to figure out what was needed for dinner amd my wife wasn't feeling well.  The kids rarely eat dinner.  So I was mostly concerned about what the wife needed.  It took literally an hour and a half to finally have her yell at me that she was not hungry. However, instead of sying she wasn't hungry I was suposed to infer that from her telling me that we need to bathe and feed the kids.

This is my life.  Every day I make coffee for my wife, get the kids fed/dressed/off to daycare, try to get a luch together for my wife, and then if I have time throw together another lunch or grab leftovers.  Get home to immediate complaints, and if I say one thing that went slightly off (such as being late for this or that) I'm told that I'm too negative when often I'm not trying to put a positive/negative connotation on the subject, only stating such event.  In addition no one is allowed to say anything remotely offensive to her personality.

She grew up in a home that was not kind to her and she needed to constantly defend herself.  I feel this has come to be an underlying habit that has come back to attack.  By own childhood was not nearly as traumatic, but equally devastating to my own personality.  I spend most of my time trying to make sure I don't say something that will cause yelling and the other part trying to make sure I understand what she's trying to say and not give her ammo to come back and retaliate on something I didn't mean to be offensive.

I feel as though she micromanages, but will never tell me what she wants done and then gets upset that I didn't do exactly what she expected to be done and is never alright with letting me make decisions on behalf of the family.  She needs to be the decision maker or she doesn't like the plan, and some times if she feel I need to be decision maker for something I have to let her make the decisiona dn try to make her feel I made the decision.

Frankly I often wonder if in my mind I've created a whole different world where in reality I'm a lazy selfish person incapable of simple tasks.

When bringing forth a similar thought to a close friend, he made mention that I'm not the only person who see's my wife's actions and seh is the reason many of my friends have distanced themselves from me.  This hurts, but I don't blame them for a second for stepping away from accusatory people who draw attention to their accomplishments and will not discuss, but only argue and banter harshly.

Neither she nor I have family to turn to and I am starting to really get wore down.  After tonight's incident of 1.5 hrs to say she wasn't hungry I said "I'm done with you" and I didn't mean to say that.  I was so frustrated and I've been frustrated for so long that I just spoke the immediate thought that peeked past logic. I know I need to get to a behavioral based therapist to work on not withdrawing and staying silent, but I don't have time to take for myself.  Is it bad to take my two children with me? (2&4) It would be the only way to get to a session.

I think part of this was venting and the other is trying to ask if there is a good way to know that she's BPD.  She claimed my mother was BPD, but all the traits she pointed at in my mother, she also shows.  Such as making everything about her, never backing down from an argument, never being wrong, making everyone else into infidels.  I know I need to get into a therapist for myself to resolve primary portions of life, but i really need daily tips to help manage the situation until I can get on my own two feet.  I just feel completely unsuported and alone.

Thank you for sticking with my long wind - Ddad17
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Michelle27
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« Reply #1 on: February 15, 2015, 11:26:51 PM »

You've come to the right place.  I know that feeling of being worn down with nothing left of coping skills.  There are so many links around this site to awesome tools that really do make it easier to cope and better, to function without losing it as I'm pretty sure most of us have here.  Just a few weeks ago I pretty much had my own BPD like dysregulation that lasted for days.  I'm not proud of it, and I did tell my uBPDh afterwards that I'm sure my out of control emotions were much like his have been.  He once described it as a freight train that is out of control. 

Read up on the tools, especially validation and the importance of taking care of yourself.  I think these are key even though most of us nons don't do super well with the latter. 
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Jeansok
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 116



« Reply #2 on: February 16, 2015, 12:35:31 AM »

I have been married to my husband for 3 1/2 yrs. We have a 2 year old and it wasn't until after we were married I started seeing weird behavior, the mental abuse and fits of rage. I learned a lot from this site and it really helps. I hope you find comfort in it as well.

I too have had friends distance themselves and that is a lonely place to be and something I personally struggle with because I love to be around friends and family but I have to do it alone most times.
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Ddad17
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 2


« Reply #3 on: February 23, 2015, 11:05:53 PM »

Thank you both for the affirmation of self-struggle.  Michelle27-Thank you for the direction it's great to have direction to focus.  Yes the resources are great on this site.  and just knowing you're not alone in the feelings you have is very comforting.  Right now things are on a good streak at home so it's a great time to hunker down, do some reading after the house is put away.  Perhaps establish some small me time outlets to read.  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)
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vortex of confusion
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 3234



« Reply #4 on: February 24, 2015, 07:31:03 AM »

 

I could really identify with parts of your story, especially the part about people distancing themselves because they see what is going on.

How long have you been with your wife? Is there one specific area that bothers you the most? When I found this site, I felt very overwhelmed and had no idea where to start. The lessons that you can find on the right side of the page are a good place to start. It will help you understand her behaviors as well as your role in the relationship. And there are a lot of good communication tools. Before you can make any real progress, you need to step off the roller coaster. It isn't easy that is for sure.

I have 4 kids and am the primary caregiver in addition to working 2 part time jobs so I understand how difficult it is to find the time and the money to get in to see a counselor. The people and resources here can help you problem solve and try to at least make things a little more peaceful while you get your bearings about you and figure out how to proceed.

Again, welcome to the forums! Here is a hug or two:   
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Mustbeabetterway
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 633


« Reply #5 on: February 24, 2015, 12:20:40 PM »

Hi Ddad17,

I think all of us living with a pwBPD understand a lot of what you are going through.  The validation and support here has been so important in my own ongoing recovery.

It is normal to feel overwhelmed with all of the responsibilities you have.  I don't have young children, only a grown one.  I am sure it is not easy.  You can get better and get a handle on these things. 

It doesn't happen overnight and there are always setbacks.  It sounds as if you love your wife and want to do the right thing.  Doing the right thing, as i have found out, does not have to mean doing everything.

My husband often does the same thing you are explaining - expects me to know what he wants even when he doesn't.  It can really make you crazy.

The first book I read that helped was "Stop Walking on Eggshells" it described much of what was going in my world.  This book - "Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist" has been the most helpful book i have read.  A lot of it resonated with me so much. 

Keep posting.  We care.
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