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Author Topic: Says he wants a divorce?  (Read 383 times)
Jeansok
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« on: February 15, 2015, 11:57:44 PM »

It's been a long time since I've posted. I joined about a year and a half ago when I was desperate for answers and after reading stories that were so eerily similar I was convinced my husband has BPD.

Alot has happened in the past year and a half. But the most recent events are as follows. My husband lost his job about 4 months ago and has been looking ever since. Im at a point I started getting resentful and callous to his borderline behavior towards me and have found outlets in going out drinking with friends.

This is not the best thing to do and not excusing my actuons I started using that more to cope.

Last night in vday my husband told me (yeah ME OF ALL PEOPLE the one that has put up with his behavior) that he was giving me an ultimatum. I would have to check myself in to a treatment center or he was filing for divorce. He reamed on me pretty good and I was in a very vulnerable state of mind I almost forgot how in times past his threats never came to pass.

Ok mind you I shouldnt be going out once or twice a week.

He started telling me that all my family was crazy and how I'm no longer the beneficiary on his life policy that his friend was. He went off on how he's been talking to a lawyer and he wants me to pay for half of it as a retainer and a reminder "depending how I was going to choose his ultimatum"

He said he's got an application ready and waiting for a new place just waiting for him and a job lined out. He said he's had people from church offer him free housing and people that have counseled him to leave me but that its not what he wants to do.

I forgot how these threats used to devestate me and I cant even imagine what kind of ugly picture he's painting of me with a one sided story of "what a drunk I am"

He said my spirit wasn't alined with his and God's plan... .because going to church and joining groups has completely changed him (apparently) in his mind.

Im the one who relied on faith for the first 2 years of our marriage and he has the audacity to play the victim now.

I was heartbroken and devestated when he said he was already talking to a lawyer and had all these recordings on me?

The other night previously I overheard him talking to himself mocking me while listening to one of his recordings and it was really freakin weird. A few weeks ago he sprayed me in the face with a water bottle as I was holding our  2 1/2 yr old child then wouldnt let me be alone. I have countless stories and im sorry if I seem to ramble on.

Right now I don't know what to do I want to do anything at least on my part I can do to save my marriage. Now don't get me wrong I should be in counseling for my binge drinking and emotional scars hes given me but checking in to a facility is extreme. He made me leave last night and gave me "20" minutes to compose myself and get out and not come back until I had checked in somewhere. (I had not been drinking I might add) 

Ok I should mention right now I am the sole breadwinner of our household.

I was devastated last night driving around trying to figure out what I was going to do. He demanded go to my parents but my dad was already asleep and my mom was sick so I didn't want to impose so I stayed with my sister and my husband didnt like that AT ALL.

Guys he almost had me convinced last night that I was the crazy one that needed to check in to a facilit . Had me convinced that I was really the problem. Taking no ownership whatsoever for his actions.

I told him I would seek help and do my part but he had to as well. I had a night to sleep on it. Guys, im scared now with the threats, if I had checked checked in somewhere he'd use it against me. (Anybody who's close to me doesn't think I need in patient treatment I might add)

Crazy thing... .he even got me a valentine card. WTH? ?
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BestVersionOfMe
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 268


« Reply #1 on: February 16, 2015, 09:43:09 AM »

It's been a long time since I've posted. I joined about a year and a half ago when I was desperate for answers and after reading stories that were so eerily similar I was convinced my husband has BPD.

Alot has happened in the past year and a half. But the most recent events are as follows. My husband lost his job about 4 months ago and has been looking ever since. Im at a point I started getting resentful and callous to his borderline behavior towards me and have found outlets in going out drinking with friends.

This is not the best thing to do and not excusing my actuons I started using that more to cope.

Last night in vday my husband told me (yeah ME OF ALL PEOPLE the one that has put up with his behavior) that he was giving me an ultimatum. I would have to check myself in to a treatment center or he was filing for divorce. He reamed on me pretty good and I was in a very vulnerable state of mind I almost forgot how in times past his threats never came to pass.

Ok mind you I shouldnt be going out once or twice a week.

He started telling me that all my family was crazy and how I'm no longer the beneficiary on his life policy that his friend was. He went off on how he's been talking to a lawyer and he wants me to pay for half of it as a retainer and a reminder "depending how I was going to choose his ultimatum"

He said he's got an application ready and waiting for a new place just waiting for him and a job lined out. He said he's had people from church offer him free housing and people that have counseled him to leave me but that its not what he wants to do.

I forgot how these threats used to devestate me and I cant even imagine what kind of ugly picture he's painting of me with a one sided story of "what a drunk I am"

He said my spirit wasn't alined with his and God's plan... .because going to church and joining groups has completely changed him (apparently) in his mind.

Im the one who relied on faith for the first 2 years of our marriage and he has the audacity to play the victim now.

I was heartbroken and devestated when he said he was already talking to a lawyer and had all these recordings on me?

The other night previously I overheard him talking to himself mocking me while listening to one of his recordings and it was really freakin weird. A few weeks ago he sprayed me in the face with a water bottle as I was holding our  2 1/2 yr old child then wouldnt let me be alone. I have countless stories and im sorry if I seem to ramble on.

Right now I don't know what to do I want to do anything at least on my part I can do to save my marriage. Now don't get me wrong I should be in counseling for my binge drinking and emotional scars hes given me but checking in to a facility is extreme. He made me leave last night and gave me "20" minutes to compose myself and get out and not come back until I had checked in somewhere. (I had not been drinking I might add) 

Ok I should mention right now I am the sole breadwinner of our household.

I was devastated last night driving around trying to figure out what I was going to do. He demanded go to my parents but my dad was already asleep and my mom was sick so I didn't want to impose so I stayed with my sister and my husband didnt like that AT ALL.

Guys he almost had me convinced last night that I was the crazy one that needed to check in to a facilit . Had me convinced that I was really the problem. Taking no ownership whatsoever for his actions.

I told him I would seek help and do my part but he had to as well. I had a night to sleep on it. Guys, im scared now with the threats, if I had checked checked in somewhere he'd use it against me. (Anybody who's close to me doesn't think I need in patient treatment I might add)

Crazy thing... .he even got me a valentine card. WTH? ?

Drinking is going to give him all the fuel he needs.  Until you get that handled I don't think you'll be in a position to save anything.  Besides even if this doesn't work out you'll need to get your alcohol problem handled for you and your children.
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Jeansok
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Relationship status: Married
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« Reply #2 on: February 16, 2015, 10:39:29 AM »

yes, I completely understand what you are saying but I should let you know I do not drink every day never at home and never around my kids I leave and go out and drink with friends to cope with what's going on at home and I know that is not what I should be doing it only makes matters worse. you should also know this happens like 1 time a week, I just wanted to make that clear :-) but I completely agree with you
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BestVersionOfMe
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 268


« Reply #3 on: February 16, 2015, 11:25:00 AM »

yes, I completely understand what you are saying but I should let you know I do not drink every day never at home and never around my kids I leave and go out and drink with friends to cope with what's going on at home and I know that is not what I should be doing it only makes matters worse. you should also know this happens like 1 time a week, I just wanted to make that clear :-) but I completely agree with you

I have my own issues with alcohol at times.  Especially when things are intense with my wife as they are now.  Set your own limits with alcohol for you, not him.  I'm just being realistic and getting in his mind and using that label is going to be his "go-to" over and over again. 
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Notwendy
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 10440



« Reply #4 on: February 16, 2015, 11:42:20 AM »

Take a look at the "victim triangle" of dysfunction. One aspect that is hard to grasp is that not only do we play the three roles in relationship to each other ( victim, persecutor, rescuer)- we can play all three roles with ourselves.

Whenever we "justify" a behavior that we know is self destructive, we are on the triangle with ourselves. Basically- "my spouse did this and it hurt me" ( I am the victim)  so "this is why I have to escape and drink to cope" ( I rescue myself)  or get down on myself ( persecutor).

I have been in 12 step groups for co-dependency. Some of the people in the group were once in AA, and when they got sober, then realized they had to work on the issues that they felt they drank to deal with.

I'm not saying you are an alcoholic, but what seems common to the ones I know is that they justify their drinking and feel like victims and drink to rescue themselves. They all think they can control it.

It can go with anything- shopping, gambling, sex- all justified escapes. When my H is raging at me, he is completely convinced at that moment that he is my victim, and his raging ( persecuting) is justified and that I deserve it.

It's hard to stay off the triangle... .
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Jeansok
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Relationship status: Married
Posts: 116



« Reply #5 on: February 16, 2015, 11:54:11 AM »

Thank you both. I'm really having a hard time today. He's completely ignoring me now and I have the day off. Thought we could spend some time together. But I will take this time to pray and reflect.

I need to get out and see a movie or something instead of feeling like I'm falling apart completely.

I love my husband dearly and just at a loss
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BestVersionOfMe
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 268


« Reply #6 on: February 16, 2015, 02:08:46 PM »

Thank you both. I'm really having a hard time today. He's completely ignoring me now and I have the day off. Thought we could spend some time together. But I will take this time to pray and reflect.

I need to get out and see a movie or something instead of feeling like I'm falling apart completely.

I love my husband dearly and just at a loss

Would you consider stopping the pursuing of him?  I honestly think it empowers them and puts them in a position of control, which is what they want.  I don't think you can have anything improve when you have the "pursuer-distancer" dynamic.  I've never held true to this long term because I'm just an affectionate guy and love this crazy woman.  I simply can't afford to anymore.  No affection, no expressions of love.  No anything.
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Jeansok
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Relationship status: Married
Posts: 116



« Reply #7 on: February 16, 2015, 03:49:51 PM »

I know you are absolutely right, and I'm sure the only reason why he's throwing things like divorce and moving out and my face is to get a rise out of me because he hasn't been able to in the past couple of months and I caved. I have been doing just that for the past month and course my actions haven't made that anymore better with ,like you said, the  ammo he has against me. that stops now.

I feel the more that I cut off any kind of affection the worse that it gets. Or at least lately... .

I know I just have to remember this too will pass and I've let him get the better of me lately.

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BestVersionOfMe
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 268


« Reply #8 on: February 16, 2015, 05:16:10 PM »

I know you are absolutely right, and I'm sure the only reason why he's throwing things like divorce and moving out and my face is to get a rise out of me because he hasn't been able to in the past couple of months and I caved. I have been doing just that for the past month and course my actions haven't made that anymore better with ,like you said, the  ammo he has against me. that stops now.

I feel the more that I cut off any kind of affection the worse that it gets. Or at least lately... .

I know I just have to remember this too will pass and I've let him get the better of me lately.

Well BPD's don't or won't or can't change without an event.  Sometimes that is being served divorce papers, sometimes it is get arrested, sometimes it might just be not feeling loved anymore.  My wife was removed from the house by the police after she attacked me and tried to take my iphone away after I called them.  She thinks the entire thing is bull___ and is acting even more angry and withdrawn and vicious.  It might be that her ceiling is much higher than I first thought.  I simply don't know, but what I do know is that the pattern of me pursuing enables her power play to exist.  The more I simply live my own life and do my own thing I think the more her walls will come down to a place where maybe we can repair the relationship.  Or it might not.  No more affection or insisting that I love her or anything.  I will show my love through being a provider and great father, but that is where it ends.
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