Need to find a way

[sangreal]

Hello.

It's about this girl whom I met 3 months ago. She has ptsd, BPD, heavy drug addiction to the point of smoking 24/7, and not just weed but other stuff too. Hopefully not heroine... but I don't know. She tried to kill herself many times, cut herself, overdosed into coma many times, and had an abusive childhood both from her father and mother. She has no money, her immune system is a wreck, doesn't eat or even drink water, and literally everyone around her are wasted, drug addicts. Her life revolves around this circle of drugs and sharks that has no end, as if like BPD is not enough... .

We're both 25. We live in different countries but I'm able to move next to her or get her near me. The reasons I still stick with her are 1: I can still see the good person she has inside, 2: None of what happened was her fault and she deserves better than what she's going through. 3: I know this circle of so called f(r)iends which they try to bring more people in this sinkhole and she's not that kind, one part of her wants to get out of this group, and she tells it many many times... .4: I lost a friend of mine to heroine years ago and he was like her in a way too. He didn't want to bring more people, one part of him wanted to get out, and still had a sense of goodness in his heart. I will never let anything like this happen again. I won't... .5: A human life is the most valuable thing in this life and saving it has so much meaning to me. On a very deep level. While everyone around her leaves, I want to stay with her.

Its kind of a stalemate in this situation for me now... .One part of her wants to stay out of this circle of swamps, and I'm the only one she knows that can do it, that has the patience and empathy to do it, the willpower, and the ability to give trust. Let's say this is 99 %... .But since she started abusing drugs and was in this group for so long and even though she trusts none of them, it's also very hard for her even if she wants to... .It's also around 99 %. It's like a paradox.

I'm doing everything I can to support and help her. But still I don't know if I move next to her city or get her in my country with me... .I went to see her for a few days and understood how hard it is to do it there. Her outside influence from other wasted people are also too strong she couldn't handle it. It was all messed up... .Although she wants out of there... .and she really has to because her life it at stake. She's ill all the time and her vital stats are complete mess. She once told me "lets move to a new city which nobody knows us, and even though I find these kind of people wherever I go, I want to fight them and this with you by my side" But you know the ups and downs of these type... .and I still haven't decided on what to do... .I thought I wouldve beat the hell out of all these punks around her but when I saw them I pitied them all since they are not even worthy to beat, they are literally too weak to even confront. It's tragic.

Since she's still young now her body can still carry on with whatever little power it has left, but after 2 years or something this will lead to a downward spiral and eventually death, even now she has become too much tolerant to drugs it barely cuts it... .

It has two possible outcomes either a complete downfall or I'm going to take her out of this to a new life built from trust.

I'm open to any suggestions and advices.

Thank you.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[waverider]

 

This is a hard place to find yourself. She is stuck in the victim mode of the DRAMA TRIANGLE and you are being triggered as the rescuer.

This is her reality, she knows no different. The sad thing is she wants out, but has no idea what "out" is. Even the concept of being out of her reality probably scares her, as it is alien. When fear kicks in she resorts back to the safety of what she knows, her reality. Hence your attempts to rescue are sabotaged.

The more you rescue the more she steps back so you can rescue her. The action itself is validating to her and making her feel worthy. That is the feeling of the moment. The bigger end result is outside her reality. Being 'out' stays as a fantasy she dabbles in, but retreats when it gets too hard.

The other players in this are the persecutors, she can project blame onto them, yet they are no different. They are victims too, who may very well blame each other.

To be rescued a person needs someone who supports them whilst they rescue themselves, you can provide this support but you can't rescue her from herself. She will simply drain you until your frustration builds into resentment. This is the cycle of her life she frustrates everyone until they resent and abandon her, fueling the BPD.

To over rescue someone disables their own motivation and ability to rescue themselves.

It will be better for both of you if you support rather than rescue, She will pull you off your place of stability, which she needs to see as a safe haven not just as an extension of the chaos she is already in.(eg dont get drawn into raving about the "bad influences".

Stay out of the drama triangle

[sangreal]

Thanks for your message.

Yes I think and feel the same from her that it's an entirely new life from what she's going through since 10 years or so. And how this is really intimidating for her.

She has zero confidence, to the point of not even trying to do or learn anything new. We both play guitar but she's even discouraged after playing 2 minutes and seeing her not doing it she gives up. I've been trying to teach crucial things about it and how solutions won't be happening over a day it will take time, it will always take time and everyone is going through the same when they first start an instrument. She says it would be better if she was left alone so she could teach herself to play better(however this never happens).

The fact that she has zero confidence, anxiety, feelings of unworthiness, emptiness, weightless is pushing her to the point of only going back to drugs and painkillers again to let it all go. It doesn't matter if she is left by herself or getting help from someone else. When the need of withdrawal comes back, the only thing she again wants are the substances again.

She knows how unhealthy this life style is, how this all makes her unhappy, how stupid the other ones around, how shallow they are, how she doesn't trust any of them... .yet she says they care for her... .typical BPD contradictions.

When she was waiting for me she told her friends about me and they all said how crazy this is yet she told them they will understand, that we will stand together in this. When we met she was extremely happy and told me that all of her friends are jealous of me because I did what none of them could do; from another country. She was extremely happy, and wanted to be with me. But the day after she told me that "either you join us or go your own way", again to "I'm the luckiest girl on earth with you by my side" on the same day, 1 day passes and she said "If it was up to me you can stay with me forever" and an hour later said "you have to go".

I gues she understood that I will do harm to the circle of group in a way. I won't hurt a woman but if I saw someone that hurts a woman I would bludgeon them and I know there are other things shes not telling me. I know this circle of fiends and loan sharks and who knows what else are using her for her money. She and the others saw that I am a threat to this. She couldn't handle this stress and wanted me to go. It was too overwhelming for her.

I'm the only person around her who is sober, who is aware, strong, patient, and caring. I want her to recognize this and she does. But this is a double edged sword.

I don't think she will ever accept rehabilitation. So that option is out of the window... .

Either way I have to be next to her since it's even more close to impossible when I'm far away. I am going the same way as guiding her instead of changing her. Even then what change does it bring? She wants to go into a job and get healthy. But to buy more substances... then have fun with all the other idiots more. When I asked do you want to get out of that swamp she says yes, she wants to fight the establishment and want to gather people to fight for only freedom however she also doesn't want to fight anything anymore. And wants to be a free slave only to buy more drugs, the easy way, to escape...

She wants to fight the establishment, then runs away from it. Wants to find peace and love, and someone who she can trust, then she runs away from it. She says she wants peace yet again when shes in peace she feels uneasy. She doesn't want to be a slave since she is aware and has a working mind, then this all goes out the window since she doesn't have the energy to continue. Ok I am arrogant, aggressive and I am an oldfashioned guy I accept it but she knows I would never hurt a woman. Shes unable to trust even though she feels how different I am and while everyone leaves how I stay. She knows I love myself, I am at peace with myself, that I am confident, know what I want and able to love and it feels though the more she sees this the more she likes me but also feels overwhelmed because she feels completely different about herself... .then pushes me away. She said she didn't want me to see her in a state like this since I would hate her. That she wants to be the best version of herself, she wants to be the woman that I deserve than we could love each other. I absolutely understand this and I already told her that she makes me want to love her. I told her "I don't love you but I want you to be the one I love". This is a natural progress. It's not a fairy tale or falling in love or some romantic fantasy or something... .This is the old, universal love that starts with respect and trust. This takes time.

I can handle this all since I have the patience and empathy through my experiences and my hard life. I'm not amused or surprised by her outbursts. Bpd is something else entirely and I know that I can handle it giving her the peace she wants. I can handle it. But I don't know what do about drugs since the disorder also amplifies the need... .

[waverider]

Crazy making isn't it?

Words that are commonly used, recovery and rehabilitation. This implies going back to a previous state. That may apply to addicts but is not often the case with BPD.

What a person with BPD really has to do is reinvent, change to something they have no knowledge or previous experience of. For someone with serious self doubt and insecurities that is a very big ask.

Being "normal" may be their fantasy, but "normality" is an evolution of a lifetime of healthy experiences, thats not easy to emulate so they become out of their depth very quickly, and run back to the familiar