My wife came back

[joshbjoshb]

She left for the weekend - to an event planned in advance. I was home with the children for few days. I was actually looking forward for this, to have some quite time and less stress and negativity.

She came home and right away started to comment on something that wasn't perfectly to her liking. Not even saying hi! I was so upset that even during the evening, when she became much nicer, I just couldn't get myself to care much about what she has to say.

Those are the moments that I ask why. Why do I need to be a father of my wife, expecting ZERO love or understanding, zero support, but I still need to go on? How can I even show her love when I get none?

Boy, it's just so tough.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[waverider]

Is this the way things normally go? Or was she particularly triggered

If so do you normally react or say anything?

Have you raised this concern before with her?

Is it meant with malevolence or is it just a behavior that has become subconsciously entrenched for her/

[joshbjoshb]

She is like that - i.e. complains all the time. And of course I am one of the biggest targets. She shows close to zero appreciation, love, affection, anything... .but when she came back and didn't even say hi, thank you, how are you or anything like that - I was triggered

It's all feeling like a one way road for me. I am supposed to show love, validate, understand, and she is basically exempt from everything because her emotions are messed up.

I know it's true and her emotions are indeed messed up. It's just sometimes get tough.

[ColdEthyl]

It does get frustrating at times. pwBPD tend to be oblivious to how others feel around them. My H has done the same thing even though he's complained of me doing it!

[joshbjoshb]

It does get frustrating at times. pwBPD tend to be oblivious to how others feel around them. My H has done the same thing even though he's complained of me doing it!

Thank you for validating me but I am a man and looking for a solution which I know will never come.

[waverider]

It does get frustrating at times. pwBPD tend to be oblivious to how others feel around them. My H has done the same thing even though he's complained of me doing it!

Thank you for validating me but I am a man and looking for a solution which I know will never come.

There is a solution, but unfortunately it needs to come from you. It requires reaching acceptance that this is a need she will always struggle to fulfill. As you become more proficient at interacting with a pwBPD this in itself will bring its own rewards and validation in itself. Lessening the need for validation in other areas.

Most of your resentment will be a result of compounding instances. Eventually these wont all run into each other and hence feed this resentment. There will be occasional frustrations. Unlikely you will get rid of that, and that is normal human emotion.

Frustration comes and goes, resentment simmers away in the background creating a basis for future triggering. Resentment is the relationship killer.

Oddly enough the more you expect something from a pwBPD the more often they withhold it. Expectation feels like pressure, which they interpret as an attempt to control them. This may be treated as a threat to be avoided.

[MaroonLiquid]

Oddly enough the more you expect something from a pwBPD the more often they withhold it. Expectation feels like pressure, which they interpret as an attempt to control them. This may be treated as a threat to be avoided.

So true... .Same when the truth is staring them in the face.

[ColdEthyl]

*nods* I will echo what waverider has said. It has taken some time... .but with enough practice you will 'relearn' how to speak to a pwBPD. The simplest of conversations can go awry just because of how you phrase a statement or question.

Just the other day, I was upset (which already puts him in a defense mode. Me being upset=him being upset he can't make me feel better=dysregulation) and I said "I need some help on this!"

He heard "You are not doing anything about this" and started to yell and pace. I did instantly realize what I had done. I told him that I didn't mean that, what I had meant was I just wanted some comfort and I was not trying to imply he hasn't done anything. (it doesn't matter that he really hasn't done anything. it's the reality and truth that puts him on edge)

[formflier]

but unfortunately it needs to come from you. It requires reaching acceptance that this is a need she will always struggle to fulfill. 

Joshbjoshb,

What do you think this will look like for you?