The strangest complaint/blame

[Depression = 72% of members]

When we were heading west to an appointment after dinner:

[shouting] ":)O WE HAVE TO DRIVE DIRECTLY INTO THE SUN?"

What to do with this except ignore?  It reminded me of driving with my then 2 year old nephew, and him screaming because the sun was in his eyes. 

I wound up telling her something like how it is frustrating to drive west at that time of day but luckily we were turning north in just about a mile. 

Anyone else have one like this, where you were screamed at for basically an act of God?

[maxsterling]

When we were heading west to an appointment after dinner:

[shouting] ":)O WE HAVE TO DRIVE DIRECTLY INTO THE SUN?"

What to do with this except ignore?  It reminded me of driving with my then 2 year old nephew, and him screaming because the sun was in his eyes. 

I wound up telling her something like how it is frustrating to drive west at that time of day but luckily we were turning north in just about a mile. 

Anyone else have one like this, where you were screamed at for basically an act of God?

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[Notwendy]

I wouldn't dare say this but this made me think of replying " Sorry dear, we have to go towards the sun to get this spaceship back to our planet"

The car seems to be a tough place. Once I was in heavy traffic with BPD mom screaming at me. All I could think of is please be quiet so I can drive. If I get tense, she gets tenser. My H has not raged much when he is driving, but the few times he has, it is terrifying as I am not sure he's driving as safely. Of course, my fear adds to it all too. Other times, he has given me the ST the whole way.

The car, I think, is such a set up as nobody can leave. Try to tune it out if you can, or take different cars.

[Grey Kitty]

Uhm.

I'd probably give her a pass on saying that once, even if it was nearly shouted.

The second time it was mentioned, I would pull off, park (not facing the sun), and calmly say "I will not drive to (appointment) with you shouting at me."

And be prepared to bail on the appointment. (Was it a therapy session?     )

[joshbjoshb]

Those type of statements can get the cynic out of me - very bad for BPD but sometimes I can't help myself.

"No, we can get go the other way but I just wanted to see how the sun looks"

Of course you can be nice and say

":)o you have another suggestion how to go?

[BestVersionOfMe]

I wouldn't dare say this but this made me think of replying " Sorry dear, we have to go towards the sun to get this spaceship back to our planet"

The car seems to be a tough place. Once I was in heavy traffic with BPD mom screaming at me. All I could think of is please be quiet so I can drive. If I get tense, she gets tenser. My H has not raged much when he is driving, but the few times he has, it is terrifying as I am not sure he's driving as safely. Of course, my fear adds to it all too. Other times, he has given me the ST the whole way.

The car, I think, is such a set up as nobody can leave. Try to tune it out if you can, or take different cars.

I have someone that I exchange emails with that is a big fan of using humor to diffuse situations.  I've never tried it but I'd like to. 

[maxsterling]

LOL.  I think we were going to a therapy appointment

She did not mention it again after my initial reply.  But then again I turned off that road in about another minute.  

[Grey Kitty]

If you can take separate cars to therapy, I'd recommend it!

[ColdEthyl]

My H constantly complains that the windows are too dirty... .even if I just washed the suckers. I just don't say anything. In a case like yours where I bet she was already agitated because you guys were going to T... .I would have said something like "I know! It sucks to have the sun in your eyes! Luckily, we have a turn in X coming up" and leave it at that.

[Jessica84]

He got mad at me once for a traffic jam on the freeway. It was the only road heading south. I looked over at him, smiled sweet and innocently and said, I'm sorry. I called everyone and asked them to get on the road at the same time. Should I not have done that?

Dumb-dumb-dumb thing to say... but he laughed. Whew!

[Enoch]

Since we are not to take responsibility for "all" of their problems and issues, I think the right response in most cases is a non-response or better, validation. Something like, "Yeah, I know... .the sun hurts my eyes too. I hate that we have to drive right into that thing... ."

Since we know they are baiting us into an argument... .let's not take the bait. Validation is our best bet to at least "not make it worse".

I also agree that getting out of the car during dysregulated episodes is the safest thing to do.

[formflier]

When we were heading west to an appointment after dinner:

[shouting] ":)O WE HAVE TO DRIVE DIRECTLY INTO THE SUN?"

 

I think ignoring is best... .or some mild validation... ."Yeah... .sucks doesn't it... ."

One thing to point out to everyone... .once I stopped the car and actually got out and went for a walk several times... .basically enforced a boundary that I wouldn't do yelling in a car... .it got much much better.

Interesting to note... .that I haven't had to do this in ... .wow... .I can't remember... .been a long time.  However... .leaving MC last week I was about to... but traffic was heavy.  I kept saying... "I am much to upset to discuss this right now... ." and she eventually cranked up the radio and hushed. 

[Crumbling]

IMO, Max, I'd say you handled it well, you validated her concerns by echoing her words.  What concerns me is that she seems to explode out of no where quite often.  Is she typically like that?  Was it simply the pressure of being headed to T? 

It seems to me the wedding coordinator set her off too, and that escalated into unmanageable proportions.  This behaviour will have you walking on eggshells in no time, if not dealt with in a healthy way for you.

--------I can be sarcastic with my BPDh when he gets riled up, and it seems to deflate him.  I don't know if I'd recommend it, but for us, it adds some comic relief to the situation.  I would have screamed just as loud, only at the sun "Get out of here you nasty, bleeping sun!  Get out of here, go on!" until we turned down another road, then I'd thank the sun for moving.     Just so he can see the ridiculousness of his outburst reflected in my actions.  The message is, 'You could no better fix the situation than you could get the sun to move by request'.  My guy gets this sort of thing.  I'm sure there's a method out there that you can use that your w will get... .it'll just take time to find it.

Your smart and committed, Max.  You'll figure it out.   

[formflier]

  You'll figure it out.   

Max,

I also can see you working through figuring out... .when to let her figure it out and not get involved.

Sometimes determining that nuance can be the hardest of all...

Any insights you can share with us about how you determine when to help with an issue... .or when to let her struggle with it herself?

[maxsterling]

  You'll figure it out.   

Max,

I also can see you working through figuring out... .when to let her figure it out and not get involved.

Sometimes determining that nuance can be the hardest of all...

Any insights you can share with us about how you determine when to help with an issue... .or when to let her struggle with it herself?

Wow, was about to just post about why I tend to not respond with humor to situations like this.  My reply is that she shows great self-awareness lately, just not in the moment.  She even expressed that to me during MC yesterday, that after the emotions wear off, she recognizes how wrong/mean she was.  Given that self-awareness, I think a better angle is to come to a better understanding of where she is at during those moments and actually ask her what may help (ask her when she is calm, not when she is dysregulating).  I think responding with humor could potentially make things worse, and create something I may have to own up to later.  So right now, I just tend to let her rant and get it out of her system, and in an hour or two she recognizes where she was at. 

Usually I try to let her struggle with things on her own for at least a little while, unless I see something that requires urgent attention.  I realize that I can't make decisions based upon whether or not she is likely to blame me afterwards, because I get blame either way.  I just have to use my best judgment.  So, if I see her typing away on her phone with long winded texts to people, I'm going to let her exhaust herself with that.   And last night she asked me to bring home a cookie for her as a treat.  She wants to stop eating sugar, and part of me feels bringing her a cookie is enabling her.  But I wanted a cookie, too, so I felt I should just bring two home, and let her make her own decision whether or not to eat the cookie and regret it later.  The times I step in are when it's something about to affect me.