EX NPD/BPD H not letting me call the kids per parenting plan

[Ulysses]

Hello,

This is a week break from school for my children.  NPD/BPD ex H didn't tell the kids his plan for break, they had no idea they weren't going to see me for 10 days (neither did I).  They've never been away from me for that long.  S11, D6.  He told me after they went with him at the end of last week.

Our paperwork says either of us can call the kids 2x/day and unlimited text/email when they're with the other parent.  Usually I call in the evening to say hi to the kids (I bought them cell phones, he refused to pay half).  Usually I text exH first to see what a convenient time is to call.  A few times my D6 has stayed on the phone a long time with me, even if she doesn't have anything to say, and even with me prompting her, "Would you like to go now?"  or "Maybe it's time we say goodbye."  She usually says, no, I don't want to go.

I feel it was unhealthy for the children not to know they wouldn't see me for 10 days before they went to be with their dad.  ExH wouldn't tell me anything about their schedule for the week.  He unilaterally (without my knowledge) rescheduled their medical appointments I had scheduled 6-12 months ago, and didn't tell the kids, so here I was explaining to them about their appointments, not knowing he'd rescheduled them.  Before she went with her dad, D6 was talking to me about when she was going to see me next, suggesting days and times when she knew I didn't work.  I talked to my children Saturday, then told them I wouldn't be able to call Sunday because I would be out of town for a couple of days (woo-hoo, first time away since this whole mess started and I had a great time!).  While I was out of town I sent a text to each saying hi.  Sunday night S11 started texting me about some stories he was writing and asked me to read them and give him my feedback.

Monday afternoon I got a text from S11 asking me not to call him Monday night.  I said ok, (because I figure at his age he's hot and cold, or busy with other stuff, etc.).  (Incidentally, a relative thinks the text wasn't even from my son, given what ex did Monday night, but I'm not ready to walk down that path.  Could exH really do that?).  I tried to call my D6 Monday evening.  Ex told me they were busy, it's his vacation time with them, and he can't work around my schedule, and I couldn't talk to D6.  I texted him that I'm happy to work around their schedule, and he could tell me when a convenient time to call is.  He just reiterated that he doesn't want me to call.  He then texted me after 9pm that he'd asked D6 if she wanted to text me, and D6 said no, she was too tired.  I didn't respond but thought, well, duh, of course she's too tired.

I have a call in to my lawyer.

What do I do?  I don't want to escalate things.  My T told me months ago that he'll go in waves, sometimes being superdad, sometimes disappearing.  I'm trying to take this as superdad mode and use it to my advantage, focusing on me.  Still, it sure feels awful when you can't talk to your kids.

I talked to therapist for D6 and she suggested I send a text to D6, which I had done, that was friendly and indicates I want to speak with her, love her, etc.  The most important thing for D6 is that she knows her mom wants to reach out to her.  She also said she'd check in with exH about communication issues in general.

Tonight S11 called me, and as I answered the phone, I heard S11 saying to someone (not me), "It's just for like 5 minutes!"  I spoke to him briefly, then spoke to my D6 who first thing said, "Can we make this short?  It usually lasts for like 10 minutes." 

I hate feeling the anger at seeing what my exH is doing.  I've tried (and succeeded, I feel like!) the last few days and today, in focusing on me, having fun while out of town, focusing on hobbies, work, etc.

Some people have told me to put my foot down with my exH or he'll just get worse about this kind of thing.  But I'm afraid I'll escalate things and he'll get angry and more vengeful.  Ooops, there's that fear feeling.  Hmm.

Maybe I also just need to vent.  I know my kids will always love me.  This is a blip in a lifetime of my caring for them.  I just think it's gross that he's restricting their access to speaking with me, and I don't know if I should put my foot down so that it doesn't get worse in the future, or if I just let go of the oars on this one.  If I address it with my kids the next time I see them, does anyone have suggestions on how to do that?

BTW our paperwork says he doesn't have to tell me where the children are when they're with him.  I didn't want that but agreed to it in mediation because I didn't want to go back to court, and as my lawyer said, "he knows that."  So, yes, he can take them anywhere and not tell me where they are.  Kind of a nasty way to be, but, that's his choice I guess.

[david]

It took me several years to understand this. Anything my ex knows will upset me/rattle me/etc she will do. The children are irrelevant in her thinking. Her goal is to get to me. I learned to not react to those things and she stopped doing them after a while of me not reacting. I still have communication issues (phone) with our boys but I have learned to accept that. They have been told many reasons why they can't call their father and then other times they are allowed. I have never found a rhyme or reason to it. I figure it is about something in her life that gets projected on to me.

On the plus side it sounds as if the kids did finally say they wanted to talk to you and he couldn't stop them. They may have tried several times before that but were unsuccessful. In the long run that will backfire on him as it did with our kids. Our boys were 4.5 and 8.5 when ex left. Sher used all kinds of alienation tactics against me too. They are now 16 and 11 and she has lost all her "power" with them.

[22years]

This can drive a person insane bc its so insensitive, but I think the bottom line is that the kids ultimately respond to the one who validates them, expresses love for them, and provides for their physical emotional financial and mental needs. 10 days wont change that. Its terribly painful. I have experienced this as well with my BPD soon-to-be-exwife. Try to make the most of the time by preparing something special for them when they return. Ultimately the kids will get whats happening.

[livednlearned]

10 days -- that's really hard, and a long time without seeing your kids, especially with no notice.

It's a really, really hard decision when you're weighing whether to enforce a boundary or minimize conflict. You know your ex best, and it sounds like your therapist has a read on him. He is likely to act in immature ways when he's responding to some perceived slight -- did you mention earlier that he is in trouble at work? It could be that he's dysregulating like this right now in response, and you're an easy mark.

I found the only boundary my ex observed was through court, and even then he would pick and choose. Ultimately, though, the court decided he could not be trusted to put S13 first. I think you mentioned earlier, too, that you were putting together a case? If so, then this is important material to include.

As far as the kids and how they're dealing with the pressure to not talk to you, it's possible to work on it directly without putting them in the middle, but my recommendation (if they're anything like my son) is to phrase it as a question. If you understand how much they *get*, it may allay your concerns somewhat. My ex sent a lot of cryptic and intentionally misleading texts. My rule with S13's phone was that I bought it for him, I'm paying for the plan, I will be looking to make sure it's being used properly. He also never checked his phone, so it wasn't a big issue. Mostly, I ended up checking it for him, and then letting him know if there was a message. I tried different ways: not checking, checking but not reading the text messages, checking and reading the text messages, telling him, not telling him, etc. What eventually worked was me saying he had a message, could I read it, and if it was puzzling, asking him how he felt about it. And asking, Why did he think N/BPDx sent that? S13 is sharp, and I learned that he had his dad's number in ways I underestimated. The key is to provide a safe place to validate your kids so they can express their thoughts freely without judgment or coercion. And to make sure they know you love them, even if they feel caught in a loyalty bind.

We had more complex conversations as he got older, and fortunately by then I was a bit more aware of my own feelings in all of this.

If you do plan to add this to your legal case, make sure you document the length of the calls, your observations, the dates. It's easy to forget all this. Your L won't use all, but will be able to pick what to include. I also found it was useful to quantify things, although it's mostly necessary when things are excessive. My ex sent over 10,000 emails in the first few years, most of them were venomous and had very little to nothing in them about S13. I was surprised when I tallied it all up.

[Ulysses]

Thanks for replying.  It's really helpful to be able to get feedback.  I feel a bit like a whiner when I write about these things.  It's all new to me and I would hate to set a precedent exH will use in the future.

Anything my ex knows will upset me/rattle me/etc she will do. The children are irrelevant in her thinking. Her goal is to get to me. I learned to not react to those things and she stopped doing them after a while of me not reacting.

Thanks for reminding me of this.  I'm getting good at not reacting and now I see that he escalates.  I think I'll make it into a game for myself, where I try to imagine how absurd his next round will be.  I don't think my imagination can compete with his junk, though.

It's so much easier to not take his actions personally when it's not letting me talk to the kids, rather than his affair and devaluing of me.  THAT took me a loong time to not take personally, and frankly I still am working through that.  I think he might have triggers right now - work (cited for misconduct by the state supreme court), guilt over something (he acted over-generously in January with financial things and I wondered if I would "pay" for it - I think I am these 10 - actually 12 - days of not seeing my kids), and... .his darling mother's birthday is this week.  She supported his affair, paid for his flight and hotel across the country to see OW, while asking me to clean her cat boxes while she was out of town, and then when I found out about everything and he stopped speaking to her (his choice - I didn't stick my nose in that one except to tell him she was no longer welcome in  my home until she apologized and came to a therapist's office with me) she moved across the country and sent him a Dear John email after she moved, to let him know she no longer was in town.  No forwarding address.  Weird, creepy, etc. His first comment after reading that email a few years ago was, "But now I won't be able to give her a birthday gift."  So who knows what's going through his mind.  I will focus my energies on me as much as possible.

I do fear he'll retaliate but I need to figure out what I can handle at this point in so far as retaliation.  A nasty email, fine.  More court/legal stuff, I'm not sure I want to deal with it.

I agree that him not letting me talk to the children will eventually affect his relationship with them, especially if I can continue on my path of supporting them, and not interfering, when they want to talk to their dad when they're with me, validating them, etc. 

Tonight I briefly spoke with D6.  S11 asked me not to call him, so I texted him sure, I love him, talk to him later, smiley face.

I will start documenting.  I'm not going to ask for full custody at this point, because I don't think I'll get it, and I think it's important for children to feel wanted by both parents.  However, I'm preparing for the time when exH asks for one week on/one week off.  I don't want that and I'll have proof that he doesn't do homework with them, doesn't support their music lessons, doesn't let them talk to me, etc.  We'll see in a few years if a court cares at all.

My lawyer suggested I work through the kids' therapists and also I could send a friendly reminder email to exH citing the part in our parenting plan that allows either of us to call children 2x/day.

Try to make the most of the time by preparing something special for them when they return. Ultimately the kids will get whats happening.

Thanks for reminding me.  I'm doing pretty well focusing on me this week.  I'm even genuinely happy sometimes, which makes me uncomfortable because it's been so long and I have so many things I could stew over.  I'll also prepare something for the kids when they return, even if it's just my being organized enough to wake up extra early and make them a special breakfast before they go back to school.

I think my kids' therapists are helping my kids find their voice, and I'll try to keep supporting that.

Thanks again for your replies and support.