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Author Topic: New here, gf of dad with BPDxw  (Read 360 times)
Lovelight

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner’s ex
Posts: 4


« on: February 18, 2015, 09:16:24 AM »

Hi everyone,

Nice to find you here! Beware, long post. Guidance from other step moms needed!

I am living with a wonderful guy who has 2 kids (9 and 13) and a mild/moderate BPDxw with primary custody of the children. We have been together for a year and are planning to marry when the divorce is finalized (began in 2009).

We are trying to create a new model for the kids: a safe, calm, loving environment, showing them respect and healthy conflict resolution, supporting them in expressing their feelings, moving to a home 4 miles from them, engaging them in sports and art projects, home cooked meals and play dates, camp etc.

My challenge is that the work and bonds we create are undone when the kids go to their BPD mom, due to misinformation "mom says... ." or what they say are their own negative interpretations (about money, our relationship, our feelings for them, the list goes on). Initially the kids were warming up to me, but since we moved in together there have been a lot of false accusations about me such as: getting in the way of them spending time with their dad, take their money, meeting him before they were separated etc. There is also a general climate of disrespect modeling their mom's anger and disrespect toward their dad and now me.

We constantly correct the misinformation and require respect, but it is hard. Sometimes they are sweet and have fun, other times they curse us or say I am "trying to hard."

It does not help that BPDxw now Skypes her d9 for 3 hours a day when she is with us, resulting in angry accusations from the daughter or manipulations that make the kids want to go back to their mom early. It’s tough to get her away.

Of course she denies all of this if my bf asks her to stop, twists the facts and keeps doing it. I feel powerless. My bf therapist says the kids know their mom blows up if they get angry with her, so they put their anger on us. Course this sucks for us. We hear the kids MAY see the truth in HS and want to live with us (2 and 5 years away) but I fear her bs may brainwash them. Luckily it is not PAS, the kids express love for their dad.  

I am getting burnt out and feel like most of what I am doing is ineffective.  

I need help with:

•   Should I talk to them and show them love, or just stay out of it until they come to me? We live together and plan to marry. I am not going anywhere.

•   Should we get a cell blocker at home so she can’t manipulate them?

•   What do we say/do so they know he and I both love them in spite of the bs?

•   Any guidance on what to reasonably expect with the kids in this kind of situation?

Much appreciated!

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livednlearned
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Family other
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 12731



« Reply #1 on: February 18, 2015, 11:56:28 AM »

Hi Lovelight,

Welcome to the site! Your post wasn't long at all. I can match your long post and raise you a few paragraphs  Smiling (click to insert in post)

Step parenting is hard   Even mild/moderate BPD can be difficult (starting the divorce in 2009 and finishing it in 2015 makes me wonder if the BPD is more on the moderate/maybe more-than-moderate side).

Excerpt
My challenge is that the work and bonds we create are undone when the kids go to their BPD mom, due to misinformation "mom says... ." or what they say are their own negative interpretations (about money, our relationship, our feelings for them, the list goes on). Initially the kids were warming up to me, but since we moved in together there have been a lot of false accusations about me such as: getting in the way of them spending time with their dad, take their money, meeting him before they were separated etc. There is also a general climate of disrespect modeling their mom's anger and disrespect toward their dad and now me.

There are two really good books recommended here a lot. Divorce Poison by Richard Warshak is pretty much the classic. You're experiencing parental alienation tactics, and that requires a very specific type of response that is different than the norm. We want to avoid putting the kids in the middle, but a BPD ex cannot do that. So with the kids already in the middle, you have to adapt your response. There are some other really good resources in Lesson 6 to the right ---------->

I would also go through Lesson 5 on raising resilient kids. There are specific techniques to help manage these interactions that can be very effective, especially validation. It takes some practice -- I'm still learning. It seems to change a bit as the kids get older (my son is 13 and some of his reactions are challenging) but they tend to become the things that really count when there is one severely invalidating parent (BPD) and the other who is very validating (you and your stb H).

Another thing (new for me) is reading about the normal emotions of kids and divorce. Some of their reactions are likely to be BPD, but the kids are also struggling with plain ol' stress from having their parents split. I got a lot about of this article on Typical Reactions of Kids to Divorce.The reason I mention that is because they are probably coping with stress in typical ways, but they have a BPD mom who sort of fuels it for them. Seeing that might help you separate out what is their stuff, and what is hers.

My son is rejecting my SO pretty hard core right now. S13 says the same thing you mention, "He tries too hard." Except SO is just being himself. He has 3 teens and this isn't his first rodeo and he's not trying to knock himself out because he knows how these things go. Apparently saying "hi" to S13 is "trying too hard." My T said to try reverse psychology, and that has had some effect. For example, S13 will say he doesn't like SO, and I'll say, "Ok. I understand. You don't have to like him." Then I move on like it's no big thing. Because honestly, it isn't. I wish S13 did like SO, but it's also not going to change what I do if he rejects him.

Anyway, welcome to the circus.  Smiling (click to insert in post) You're in a good place with people who understand.

LnL

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Lovelight

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner’s ex
Posts: 4


« Reply #2 on: February 18, 2015, 04:18:56 PM »

Thanks LnL! I agree a lot of this is normal reactions to Divorce or just being a teenager. I liked that post. Another book I like is "Get out of my life but first can you take me and Cheryl to the mall". It's great at showing what teens and preteens are experiencing and thinking so you can respond to what's really going on. I will check out Lesson 5 & 6!

LL
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livednlearned
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Family other
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 12731



« Reply #3 on: February 18, 2015, 05:36:22 PM »

Also -- just want to say that I know there is a LOT of BPD stuff in these interactions, definitely not minimizing this stuff and attributing it to the same old same old. My SO has an ex with BPD traits and I steer so clear of her she needs binoculars to see me.

But sometimes it gets murky and hard to see when it's kinda two traumas combined. Divorce + BPD parent. And probably having a step parent adds some new challenges that are hard to articulate when you're hitting puberty. 

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