Chance of comeback?

[Issy]

Is there a chance she will come back?

- we were very close, hour to hour contact

- I wanted to have a talk she went 6 months of silent treatment

- she broke up with me in a letter after the 6 months

- According to her I pushed her further away trying to contact her during this time

- according to her, I make her angry by certain remarks 

- she wants to have casual contact with me

- she found a replacement (whom is in a way lesser league than me)

- I removed myself from all contact (except she can still follow me on one thing I leave that as it is)

- she really believes it's all me

- she said she had a good time with me but cannot deal with certain characteristics of me (this was said very blaimingly, like I was impossible)

- I haven't responded (yet) to this letter

Was here a fear of engulfment going on so she pushed me away? 

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[formflier]

Is there a chance she will come back?

- we were very close, hour to hour contact

- I wanted to have a talk she went 6 months of silent treatment

- she broke up with me in a letter after the 6 months

- According to her I pushed her further away trying to contact her during this time

- according to her, I make her angry by certain remarks 

- she wants to have casual contact with me

- she found a replacement (whom is in a way lesser league than me)

- I removed myself from all contact (except she can still follow me on one thing I leave that as it is)

- she really believes it's all me

- she said she had a good time with me but cannot deal with certain characteristics of me (this was said very blaimingly, like I was impossible)

- I haven't responded (yet) to this letter

Was here a fear of engulfment going on so she pushed me away? 

Issy,

Yes I think there is a chance of a comeback.

I'm also glad you haven't responded yet.  This is a good time to think things through on your side and come up with a game plan.

Also a great time to spend time with your feelings... .and think about what you want in life.  Make sure the gameplan supports that.

How long has it been since you have read the lessons?  I'm thinking it would be a good idea to have the letter out... .and work through the lessons.  Come up with strategies for communication and validation based on the lessons.

Do you think you post some of your findings and thoughts from your reading?

[JRT]

Issy

I too hope to hear back from mine... .more for closure than anything else. She would have a SERIOUS sell job for me if she wanted to come back and I don't think that she is up to it. Under what conditions would you take her back? I know that mine would have to have become aware of her PD and is in therapy. Its something to consider... .

[Issy]

Hi formflier,

I'm curious to what makes you think there is a chance of a comeback?

And what do you think about I removed her from facebook etc? I know she keeps her exbf en exfriends there. For me it is good, but will it work for her aswell? Like there are consequences for her actions? I didn't do it because of that, I did it solely for my wellbeing.

I will get back with my thoughts, and stuff I want to write her. I'm struggling with this, it is very time and energy consuming.

And yes JTR there has to be some realising from her part that she has to work on issues and is willing to. I won't jump into a relationship with her again. More distance, and I want to be a stable guidance. I have learned a lot now about BPD and I would do things differently now. But it can't be my work alone. One thing for certain I won't push her anymore. And I make sure I won't be pushed anymore.

That leads me to the last question, where is the borderline of casual contact and close contact? I guess I have to figure it out.

[formflier]

I'm curious to what makes you think there is a chance of a comeback?

Recycling is part of the "order to the disorder"... .  That doesn't mean it will happen in your case and doesn't mean it should happen.

My thoughts were twofold... .

1.)  Be ready for a recycle attempt... .being ready is where I was going with looking at tools.  Especially since you have a letter and are considering a response.

2.)  Possibly more important that 1.  To be clear about is a recycle something you want.  If you come to the conclusion that you do NOT want a recycle... .the actions from the lessons will be vastly different (yet no less important) than if you come to the conclusion that you are interested in a recycle.

Listen... .this is the staying board... .so you will get lots of advice here about staying... .about how to make it work.  If in the process of your thinking you are really up in the air... .might be good for you to check out Undecided and see what guidance you can get there.

There are lots of ways that BPD family can help.

Last:  Facebook and other small gestures are just that... small gestures... .tactical decisions.  I would not read too much into that... .or spend much time thinking about that.