Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
March 28, 2024, 08:35:52 AM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Kells76, Once Removed, Turkish
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, EyesUp, SinisterComplex
  Help!   Boards   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Skills we were never taught
98
A 3 Minute Lesson
on Ending Conflict
Communication Skills-
Don't Be Invalidating
Listen with Empathy -
A Powerful Life Skill
Setting Boundaries
and Setting Limits
Pages: 1   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: Spinning, Cycling, and Sabotaging my friendships and life  (Read 559 times)
Shottsy85

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 46


« on: February 19, 2015, 05:08:13 PM »

For the first part for context please read my first post here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=271695.0

My boyfriend is now completely villainizing my best friend even though he sexually harassed her and ruined us all moving into a place together. Again I agree she handled the timing to make a decision poorly, but now he is threatening to take her to court if she doesn't give him the money she owes him. As a sign of friendship a while back he also made a key for her, which to her was special and she told me she was keeping. We were all friends everything was great, he owned up to what he did and took responsibility saying he ruined it all. But now he has flipped to calling her names, and she ruined everything, and I am taking her side, because I refuse to allow him to sabotage things further. He says she needs to have his money by today (rent) I told him that doing favors for friends and then thinking they owe you is not really being a friend. He says he wants nothing to do with her, and he can't trust her and will never do anything for her again, or he'll charge her etc. but I plan to still do things and have her over and we all have plans and involvement with her still as we do convention shows etc. she is really being a trooper and isn't even angry at him and just thinks its best to not live with us. and wants to save the friendship. This is just making me so sad. She knows he has BPD and has black and white thinking so she is just waiting for him to come around and told me not to worry that she won't stop being my friend because of him. (I have lost friendships to him in the past). 

To get him off the money issue and stave him off of attacking my friend further (as I don't blame her for leaving HE ruined the whole dynamic) I asked him if I just paid him what she owes him and she can just pay me alone as she gets the money would that shut him up? He said yes, but then continued to attack. I tried to suggest him going to SLAA as he has flat out admitted to sex addiction and I wonder if it had anything to do with his inappropriate behavior. He got defensive and started saying how he doesn't have time etc etc. He is at least agreeing to go to DBT and is setting that up, so I am hoping that will help. He keeps also pressuring me into just making a decision. I had made the decision to stay, but then he makes me doubt it by cycling and beginning to threaten my relationship with my friend. (He threatened to take her to small claims court etc and text her threatening messages about paying rent money) I have told him I am not afraid of walking and if he can't calm down and stop trying to attack my friend when HE caused this, I am going to move out and live with her, which is an option. Then of course he starts becoming shut down and on and on it spins, because he says he doesn't want that, but he want's a decision. I don't want to leave him, as I want to see if the DBT helps, but i also don't want him to sabotage my friendship. He has done it in the past, and i won't stand for it, and i set the boundary that he needs to stop attacking my friend verbally.

The DBT clinic person just called as I'm writing this and he magically switched to friendly ( I feel so damn crazy like my head is going to pop off!) They are going to see him saturday. I know its not a cure all but my god at least it's SOMETHING. I'm just not sure how to handle this. I don't want to give him MORE money  but I want to get his mind off my friend until he chills and realizes he is being retarded. I don't want him to burn bridges forever with someone that is still a huge important part of our lives. (he has done it before and it is so embarrassing and hard to rebuild) He still continues to be nasty about her, he is saying she ruined everything at this point, and he only cares about me and our relationship. Its so hard because he sounds so irrational and its SOO clearly crazy talk, but I can't reason with him. He says he can't trust HER and when I told him I still want her over after he has had some space, and I explained the way I want my life to be and the kind of partner I am wanting, he says I am making demands. I am really not sure how to get out of this loop. I tried to just table things for now and set the boundary I don't want him being negative or talking trash about her and lets just take space and he will get into treatment and we will see, but not two seconds later he starts saying she stole our measuring cup... which she didn't. PLEASE HELP. I am stuck in a tornado of hell.
Logged
PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES
This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

formflier
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 19076



WWW
« Reply #1 on: February 19, 2015, 05:15:33 PM »

 

Have you read lessons and read about boundaries?

Are you ok with your boyfriend having a different view of this friend that you do?

Will he be ok having a different view that you do?

Tough situation... .I think we can help you sort through the right way to think about this.

Logged

waverider
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: married 8 yrs, together 16yrs
Posts: 7405


If YOU don't change, things will stay the same


« Reply #2 on: February 19, 2015, 08:56:29 PM »

Couple of key points.

Now is not forever, even if he talks as though it is. It will blow over

Dont get sucked into taking sides and being defensive it will just fuel it.

If he carries on then disengage. If this does not work, which it probably wont, then you need a boundary about you are not willing to listen to this abusive talk about someone who is your friend. If you are willing to leave as a result, make this your action of boundary enforcement, and stick to it.

Don't loose your friendship over this, that is not his choice to force.
Logged

  Reality is shared and open to debate, feelings are individual and real
Shottsy85

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 46


« Reply #3 on: February 19, 2015, 09:15:40 PM »



He is also acting all nice and huggy one moment which I like but I am still hurt and angry and am not just going to insta forgive him so if I don't instantly smile or feel better he quickly switches to pissed or the victim or blaming my friend saying she ruined everything and screwed us over. I did set the boundary, and claims he will respect my friendship yet he began to threaten texting her about taking her to small claims court which isn't fair. I asked him if I just paid him her share if he would shut up about it and leave her alone and he said yes, but I'm not sure if that is the wrong way to deal with it and if I am giving him the control? I just want him to leave her alone. This is his doing. He sent sexual texts to MY best friend and caused her to not want to move in with us. It's no ones fault but his and he admitted that so why is he then blaming her? The way he was talking about removing the problem and him only caring about me was insane. What is he just going to remove anyone otjer than me that tempts him or disagrees with him or causes conflict the rest of his life?

Logged
Mike-X
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: living apart
Posts: 669


« Reply #4 on: February 19, 2015, 09:17:25 PM »

What specific issue does he have with your friend? Might all of this be his dysfunctional reaction to his own guilt and shame for his behavior toward her (i.e., blaming her)? And now a cycle of projection-shame?

It sounds good that you tabled things for now. During the confrontations, are you using the communication techniques (e.g., validation of his hurt/anger then presenting your view)?
Logged
Shottsy85

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 46


« Reply #5 on: February 19, 2015, 09:27:32 PM »

What specific issue does he have with your friend? Might all of this be his dysfunctional reaction to his own guilt and shame for his behavior toward her (i.e., blaming her)? And now a cycle of projection-shame?

It sounds good that you tabled things for now. During the confrontations, are you using the communication techniques (e.g., validation of his hurt/anger then presenting your view)?

She decided not to move to this new house with us after I fronted the deposit and we put in our notice to vacate at our apartment and helped her move here from another state because she is getting a divorce. The only thing I agree on is she should have said something way sooner but I don't blame her for not moving in. She basically wanted to just not move in with us without hurting me or me ever finding out that my BPboyfriend had been sending her blatant sexual offer texts had grabbed her ass and was basically sexually harassing her. She told him to stop and hoped it would just stop and she never had to mention it and she could just go forward with moving in. She said it was harder for her to make this decision than it was leaving her marriage of 10 years. He caused this and ruined everything for all of us. Admitted that he screwed up and did that and felt awful and sorry but now just wants to focus on her having not paid rent or that now he is not going to be her friend and wants nothing to do with her and he will never help her or anyone again. Even though, again, this is his fault. He broke my trust, he betrayed me and her friendship but is raging about her.
Logged
formflier
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 19076



WWW
« Reply #6 on: February 19, 2015, 10:17:19 PM »

 

Why are you involved in the r/s between you boyfriend and another person?

Many times when pwBPD... .or even nons... .try to involve someone else in their problems with another person... .the extra person in the middle gets run over by one or both of the parties.

I would like your feedback on what this might look like.

If your best friend has issues with your boyfriend... .she should deal with them with him... .and vice versa.  Are you in control of your boyfriend... .are you the police force that makes him act right towards others? 

If you boyfriend has issues with another person... .if he starts trying to get you to so something for him... .what would happen if you redirected him to talk directly with that person... .tell him you love him... and wish him luck straightening out whatever issues exist?

Thoughts? 



Logged

Mike-X
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: living apart
Posts: 669


« Reply #7 on: February 20, 2015, 07:42:53 AM »

Can the two of you afford the place without her?
Logged
Shottsy85

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 46


« Reply #8 on: February 20, 2015, 10:46:01 AM »

Can the two of you afford the place without her?

No but I am looking for another roommate preferably a male. I have 2 potential ones.
Logged
Mike-X
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: living apart
Posts: 669


« Reply #9 on: February 20, 2015, 11:01:04 AM »

Can the two of you afford the place without her?

No but I am looking for another roommate preferably a male. I have 2 potential ones.

Ah. That is a complicating factor then.
Logged
Shottsy85

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 46


« Reply #10 on: February 20, 2015, 11:53:21 PM »

Can the two of you afford the place without her?

No but I am looking for another roommate preferably a male. I have 2 potential ones.

Ah. That is a complicating factor then.

The entire situation is complicated. She is still my best friend and we also travel with her to our trade shows and split costs. She is not only my best friend but my business associate and my bf is my sales person and laborer so I need them to get along. She is totally fine and even forgives him and is willing to talk and be friends again whenever he is willing. She just doesn't want to live with him. He is being insane and acting like a dictator telling me I can't mention her or talk about her, or discuss anything regarding her with him at the moment, and acting like she is cause and problem, instead of taking responsibility himself. Today he started raging at me on the phone because I was simply trying to talk about something and began to mention her because I had talked to her that day, and asked if he would be willing to meet in a public place so we could all talk and he could hear her side of things, and he began to flip out on me. He tells me I can be friends with anyone i want, yet he rages at me. I was simply trying to tell him It will be my house too and if I want her to sleep over, or hang out then I should be allowed and he was trying to tell me what I could and couldn't do, even though he says I can do what I want. It was absolutely nuts. I told him he can't dictate my life and I was feeling like a prisoner and then he began to get defensive saying he cares about ME and he just wants a relationship with me not with anyone else, etc etc. I feel like he is once again trying to isolate me from my life outside of him even though he refuses to see it that way. I don't want to have to have two separate lives. I just don't have time for that crap. He has an intake appointment tomorrow morning for DBT which is the main reason I haven't just figured out how to leave. Also my friend is now on a one year lease at a tiny place with her cat and we can't fit my two cats in with her cat so I may stick it out for one more year and see if anything improves from him being in DBT. I'm feeling lost and torn though.
Logged
formflier
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 19076



WWW
« Reply #11 on: February 21, 2015, 07:04:41 AM »

 

Shottsy85,

I think your plan to let DBT work for a while and then consider your r/s again is a wise one.

Let the DBT work on him... .and see where that goes.

In the meantime... .are you seeing a T?  It's great that you are on bpdfamily.  I think we can do a lot to help out with your side of the r/s.

What does your support system look like? 



Logged

Shottsy85

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 46


« Reply #12 on: February 21, 2015, 08:32:03 AM »

Shottsy85,

I think your plan to let DBT work for a while and then consider your r/s again is a wise one.

Let the DBT work on him... .and see where that goes.

In the meantime... .are you seeing a T?  It's great that you are on bpdfamily.  I think we can do a lot to help out with your side of the r/s.

Right now it is you guys about 3 different girlfriends I have that know the situation that I can talk to or spend time with and that's it. I need and want to get back into therapy but I am in the process of moving and now even more in the hole after this most recent sabotage so can't afford it until probably after I move. I have a T I trust and like so I want to go back to him as soon as I can. For now being on this board so far has been a huge help.






Logged
formflier
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 19076



WWW
« Reply #13 on: February 21, 2015, 10:59:40 AM »

 

Good plan... .

What steps can you take to get back to seeing the T that you trust?
Logged

Shottsy85

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 46


« Reply #14 on: February 21, 2015, 02:01:17 PM »

Another Development: Would Love some Suggestions on how to handle this and break the cycle.

I am feeling like a prisoner. My BPbf keeps telling me I have 24 hours to make a decision based on whether or not I am staying with him. I felt I had made the decision, but no sooner had I made the decision than it seems like he is going back to being mean. He rages, gets nasty with me and I don't deserve it. Then he had the audacity to say that he gives a little and I want more. He is outright out of his mind and he just can't see it. He is refusing to take responsibility for any of his actions. It's like the mask has been exposed again. At first he was being all sweet and huggy because he wanted me not to leave him, and now I feel like I am the target of his anger and rages. I don't want to leave but I do. I am not sure what is right. I tried to share my feelings calmly stuck to "I" statements and even tried to explain, but he just started attacking me about how he answers a question and I ask it again and he gets angry. I told him that I can see that sometimes I do that and I will work on it, but at the same time I would like him not to give me such half assed sideways sarcastic answers because that causes me to ask and try to get him to be direct. For instance, when I ask if he wants to watch something with me and he sighs and says, "fine whatever" like a pissy teenager I'd rather he just ___ing tell me he doesn't want to watch it and be direct. So of course I ask him again and he tells me "he has no choice" which is completely psychotic. It spirals into more of an argument, and I simply just want him to respect me enough. Then he reacts to me SAYING this in the exact same way and plays it off as a joke. I said how can you joke like that when you know it is triggering me and not five seconds ago did I tell you not to do and say that. Then he again gets ___ty with me and scoffs and laughs like I am being ridiculous. He keeps pulling me back in the argument, and I feel trapped and like I can't even get out my feelings or get him to stop. I want to be able to stick with my decision to stay he hasn't started DBT yet, but I am so worried he is going to just seem like a charmer and manipulate them as well to where he seems like he doesn't need help. He said he does want to, and went to his intake today and is now waiting for them to get back to him. He is a high functioning BP for the most part but its breaking down. Like for instance he dropped the cat litter when changing it today and got pissed and slammed it down, so I went over and swept it up so he could calm down. It's just childish insane behavior and I am feeling like a prisoner of his moods. At the same time I have a fear of him walking out of ME how insane is that?
Logged
formflier
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 19076



WWW
« Reply #15 on: February 21, 2015, 02:55:18 PM »

 

So... .can you talk us through how you figured out to sweep up the cat litter?

I think we can help you stabilize things here
Logged

Shottsy85

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 46


« Reply #16 on: February 21, 2015, 03:09:35 PM »

So... .can you talk us through how you figured out to sweep up the cat litter?

I think we can help you stabilize things here

Basically he was just getting pissed at inanimate things and he was going to take out the litter with the trash outside after he spilled it all over the floor, so I told him to just go ahead and do that and quickly grabbed a broom and went to work cleaning up the mess, as i could see his agitation and rage over minor things. It' been going back and forth. I have tried talking with him later, he hadn't eaten yet when that happened and he tends to get mood swings if he hasn't eaten. However, he was constantly going in circles and being defensive and angry at ME. I attempted to have a calm sit down with him to express my feelings and set clear boundaries that i would like him to give me direct clear answers when I ask something, therefor I won't do what is making him angry and asking the same question again. Right now he is taking a nap because he said he was tired so maybe he will sleep it off... I don't know. I just am not sure how to get him to be respecful in how he speaks to me, and acts. 
Logged
formflier
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 19076



WWW
« Reply #17 on: February 21, 2015, 03:26:22 PM »

 

What would have happened... .if you had let him clean it up... .and you waited until he calmed down to have a sit down and talked to him. 

Basically... .as long as he is wound up... .stay away from him.

Not saying to do that... .just asking what you could have imagined that would have been like.

We can go from there... .
Logged

Mike-X
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: living apart
Posts: 669


« Reply #18 on: February 21, 2015, 04:00:39 PM »

Can the two of you afford the place without her?

No but I am looking for another roommate preferably a male. I have 2 potential ones.

Ah. That is a complicating factor then.

The entire situation is complicated. She is still my best friend and we also travel with her to our trade shows and split costs. She is not only my best friend but my business associate and my bf is my sales person and laborer so I need them to get along. She is totally fine and even forgives him and is willing to talk and be friends again whenever he is willing. She just doesn't want to live with him. He is being insane and acting like a dictator telling me I can't mention her or talk about her, or discuss anything regarding her with him at the moment, and acting like she is cause and problem, instead of taking responsibility himself. Today he started raging at me on the phone because I was simply trying to talk about something and began to mention her because I had talked to her that day, and asked if he would be willing to meet in a public place so we could all talk and he could hear her side of things, and he began to flip out on me. He tells me I can be friends with anyone i want, yet he rages at me. I was simply trying to tell him It will be my house too and if I want her to sleep over, or hang out then I should be allowed and he was trying to tell me what I could and couldn't do, even though he says I can do what I want. It was absolutely nuts. I told him he can't dictate my life and I was feeling like a prisoner and then he began to get defensive saying he cares about ME and he just wants a relationship with me not with anyone else, etc etc. I feel like he is once again trying to isolate me from my life outside of him even though he refuses to see it that way. I don't want to have to have two separate lives. I just don't have time for that crap. He has an intake appointment tomorrow morning for DBT which is the main reason I haven't just figured out how to leave. Also my friend is now on a one year lease at a tiny place with her cat and we can't fit my two cats in with her cat so I may stick it out for one more year and see if anything improves from him being in DBT. I'm feeling lost and torn though.

My comment was meant to be supportive (something I am working on). Sorry if it didn't  come across that way. Initially, I didn't understand the importance of the roommate to help with costs. So I thought his anger etc. was some manifestation of defense mechanisms to avoid dealing with his own guilt and shame for flirting with your friend. That could be a part of it, but then you added that there are these additional complicating issues about finances, work relationships, etc.

Have you read about depersonalization and radical acceptance?

Logged
Shottsy85

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 46


« Reply #19 on: February 21, 2015, 11:52:26 PM »

Can the two of you afford the place without her?

No but I am looking for another roommate preferably a male. I have 2 potential ones.

Ah. That is a complicating factor then.

The entire situation is complicated. She is still my best friend and we also travel with her to our trade shows and split costs. She is not only my best friend but my business associate and my bf is my sales person and laborer so I need them to get along. She is totally fine and even forgives him and is willing to talk and be friends again whenever he is willing. She just doesn't want to live with him. He is being insane and acting like a dictator telling me I can't mention her or talk about her, or discuss anything regarding her with him at the moment, and acting like she is cause and problem, instead of taking responsibility himself. Today he started raging at me on the phone because I was simply trying to talk about something and began to mention her because I had talked to her that day, and asked if he would be willing to meet in a public place so we could all talk and he could hear her side of things, and he began to flip out on me. He tells me I can be friends with anyone i want, yet he rages at me. I was simply trying to tell him It will be my house too and if I want her to sleep over, or hang out then I should be allowed and he was trying to tell me what I could and couldn't do, even though he says I can do what I want. It was absolutely nuts. I told him he can't dictate my life and I was feeling like a prisoner and then he began to get defensive saying he cares about ME and he just wants a relationship with me not with anyone else, etc etc. I feel like he is once again trying to isolate me from my life outside of him even though he refuses to see it that way. I don't want to have to have two separate lives. I just don't have time for that crap. He has an intake appointment tomorrow morning for DBT which is the main reason I haven't just figured out how to leave. Also my friend is now on a one year lease at a tiny place with her cat and we can't fit my two cats in with her cat so I may stick it out for one more year and see if anything improves from him being in DBT. I'm feeling lost and torn though.

My comment was meant to be supportive (something I am working on). Sorry if it didn't  come across that way. Initially, I didn't understand the importance of the roommate to help with costs. So I thought his anger etc. was some manifestation of defense mechanisms to avoid dealing with his own guilt and shame for flirting with your friend. That could be a part of it, but then you added that there are these additional complicating issues about finances, work relationships, etc.

Have you read about depersonalization and radical acceptance?

No I haven't not sure what that is, but I'd be interested to find out. And I took it as supportive, sorry just under a lot of stress. It is also hard because I want to talk about her, or hang out with my friend and my bf is acting like we are blowing things out of proportion now is switching to not wanting to take responsibility for cheating on me because he didn't actually do anything physical according to him, but that is only because she told him to stop. He is refusing to just take responsibility and wants to crap talk my friend, and make me feel isolated and like a prisoner because whenever i protest he tells me I can be friends with whoever I want, but then when I discuss or want to think about her maybe coming over to help me he gets all pissy and begins to rage again, and tell me that he and I are all that matter. I told him my friends matter to me too, and he began to fly off the hinges and tell me I just want to fight with him. He caused all of this stress and financial worry but wants to keep bringing up that she owes him money, and act like she betrayed us and did some horrible wrong, when she badly wanted to live with us, but he caused her to feel uncomfortable. He wants to play the innocent victim even though he was the one that continuously came on to her. She should have been more harsh and direct, but apparently she told him she appreciates the compliment, but nothing is going to happen and she is my best friend. Apparently that wasn't clear enough for him, because he is denying that she said anything and then switches to that he didn't do anything until I remind him there is written proof on both his phone and her own. Sadly there was a lot more that was apparently verbal that becomes his word against hers but I believe her way over him with how much dishonesty there is.

About the comment above about the cleaning: I felt that it was best to just clean it and let him calm down. He was initially trying to be nice and clean out the litter for both of us anyways. (we agreed to take turns, there are two boxes and we switch off which one we clean, and he went to do them both) So I knew if I didn't rush to help he would use that as a reason not to help out or do "nice things" because I don't appreciate it and blah blah bullcrap.
Logged
Mike-X
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: living apart
Posts: 669


« Reply #20 on: February 22, 2015, 12:51:50 AM »

As you might already be aware, BPD relationships are often enmeshed relationships. This usually involves isolation of the SO from friends and family. Enmeshment and isolation are thought to be attempts to alleviate anxiety and fear of rejection. I am not saying that his issue with your friend is an effort to isolate you from her, but it coykd be, at least in the throws of dysregulation.

I brought up radical acceptance, because some of your posts suggested to me that you seem to be struggling with why your bf, who you believe has a serious personality disorder, is not responding rationally like a person who is not living with a serious personality disorder.

Here is an example:

www.tarabrach.com/articles/trauma.html
Logged
formflier
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 19076



WWW
« Reply #21 on: February 23, 2015, 09:55:36 AM »

About the comment above about the cleaning: I felt that it was best to just clean it and let him calm down. He was initially trying to be nice and clean out the litter for both of us anyways. (we agreed to take turns, there are two boxes and we switch off which one we clean, and he went to do them both) So I knew if I didn't rush to help he would use that as a reason not to help out or do "nice things" because I don't appreciate it and blah blah bullcrap.

Not at all suggesting this one incident was wrong... .or right.  It's best to look at patterns.  If "cleaning up after him" is a regular thing... .this may be something to look at changing. 

If it is not a regular thing... then one time incident... .not a pattern... .and probably not an issue.

Did you get thanked for helping? 

Logged

Shottsy85

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 46


« Reply #22 on: February 23, 2015, 01:47:45 PM »

About the comment above about the cleaning: I felt that it was best to just clean it and let him calm down. He was initially trying to be nice and clean out the litter for both of us anyways. (we agreed to take turns, there are two boxes and we switch off which one we clean, and he went to do them both) So I knew if I didn't rush to help he would use that as a reason not to help out or do "nice things" because I don't appreciate it and blah blah bullcrap.

Not at all suggesting this one incident was wrong... .or right.  It's best to look at patterns.  If "cleaning up after him" is a regular thing... .this may be something to look at changing. 

If it is not a regular thing... then one time incident... .not a pattern... .and probably not an issue.

Did you get thanked for helping? 

No he didn't thank me. I don't do things like that often but we do argue over cleaning and stuff sometimes, but right now there is a lot more going on. All weekend we tried to talk and work through things and fought until finally yesterday I just wanted to stop fighting. I tried to get him to deal with the real issue and stop focusing on the fact that my best friend is not rooming with us and to look at what he did and why. It didn't go that great, but I am trying to get him to stop focusing on my friend. Things still feel pretty awful.
Logged
formflier
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 19076



WWW
« Reply #23 on: February 23, 2015, 01:56:23 PM »

All weekend we tried to talk and work through things and fought until finally yesterday I just wanted to stop fighting. I tried to get him to deal with the real issue and stop focusing on the fact that my best friend is not rooming with us and to look at what he did and why. It didn't go that great, but I am trying to get him to stop focusing on my friend. Things still feel pretty awful.

Can you write out a couple paragraphs that show us what this looks/sounds like? 

Talking... .working through sound fine.  I'm really interested in when it turns into "fighting".

Logged

Shottsy85

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 46


« Reply #24 on: February 24, 2015, 02:45:55 PM »

All weekend we tried to talk and work through things and fought until finally yesterday I just wanted to stop fighting. I tried to get him to deal with the real issue and stop focusing on the fact that my best friend is not rooming with us and to look at what he did and why. It didn't go that great, but I am trying to get him to stop focusing on my friend. Things still feel pretty awful.

Can you write out a couple paragraphs that show us what this looks/sounds like? 

Talking... .working through sound fine.  I'm really interested in when it turns into "fighting".

I'll try. It's just really hard as it switches and happens so fast. Usually its when I make a point, or confront him for instance bringing up that he basically cheated on me, he would roll his eyes or scoff and say he didn't cheat. Basically contradicting himself if I then try to calmly ask ":)o you agree that there is a problem, or that you crossed a boundary, sexting one of your female friends, and also texting and coming on to my best friend in a sexual manner?" He will get really defensive and say that he already said that, and knows he screwed up, and then switch to, "But your friend was a coward and ran off, and could have talked to me, and you are letting her manipulate you and ruin everything." Etc Etc until I get upset and tell him HE did this, not her, and If he can just take responsibilty we can move forward. We also go in circles for instance last night I was crying and couldn't sleep after a fight with my mom as I made the mistake of going to her when I first found out, and she blabbed to the rest of my family, and they have all turned their backs on him and want him out of my life. He put his arm around me and asked me whats wrong and if I wanted to talk about it. I said I didn't and that he needed to sleep for work and I didn't want to make him have a hard day at work (he has to be there at 6am) He told me he was awake now and pressed me until I broke down and told him the situation with my family. He listened to me but now is switching to that he isn't sure he won't screw up again, and that it isn't fair to me, and I'm making a bad choice by staying with him. He admits that he doesn't want me out of his life, and he wants to be with me, but he can see it's tearing me apart. I feel so torn because I am SOO angry and hurt and upset with him and I don't think I can trust him again, but I still want to be with him and work through it. He seems to flip back and forth like if I don't trust him then it's over or something. Like at first he agreed to for a while letting me have his computer passwords etc, but then he said I was being controlling and he didn't want to live like that, yet he flat out said (and I DO believe this) that none of the people he spoke to or hit on mean anything to him. It's basically all just for the thrill or having a secret, or seeing if he CAN get them, but I am the one person he really cares about and wants. Then he thinks just deactivating his FB would solve it... still not really dealing with he underlying problem. I just don't know what to tell him or what to do. I am holding out for him to get into DBT, but its not coming soon enough, but I also don't want to lose him.
Logged
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2024?

Pages: 1   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2023 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
AskingWhy
At Bay
Cat Familiar
CoherentMoose
drained1996
EZEarache
Flora and Fauna
ForeverDad
Gemsforeyes
Goldcrest
Harri
healthfreedom4s
hope2727
khibomsis
Lemon Squeezy
Memorial Donation (4)
Methos
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
P.F.Change
Penumbra66
Red22
Rev
SamwizeGamgee
Skip
Swimmy55
Tartan Pants
Turkish
whirlpoollife



Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!