What does this mean, if anything?

[Verbena]

I'm wondering if anyone else experiences this, and if so, what is behind it.

   If I go lie down with a headache  but get over it a few hours later and suddenly feel like resuming my normal activities, My H will come at me with this accusatory tone--"I thought you said you had a headache."  I have issues with my back from time to time but once it gets better, he does the same thing.  "I thought you said your back hurt."   I'm not allowed to get better? 

Last week I was under the weather for several days.  By Saturday, I was feeling a million times better.  The weather was glorious (low humidity, sunny, mid-70's) so I did yard work and also visited with a friend. This seemed to anger my H (he's miserable and angry most of the time),  and I got the same  "I thought you said you were sick" line with the same agitated look on his face. 

It's like he's offended or something.  Or he must remind me that I "said" something that in his mind isn't true anymore and so he must point it out.  It seems to me that most people would just say, "I see you're feeling better!"







 

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[enlighten me]

Yes been there aswell.

When ill theres no empathy. Its as if they think your making it up.

Havent you learnt yet that only pwBPD are allowed to be ill .

Im sure theres more to this behaviour. Whether its they think were lying to get attention or that they feel guilty as they dont know what to do to make it better or some other reason.

Unfortunately its a behaviour that will continue.

I tore my back when I was in the army and every now and then it goes again. I did this when with my exgf and had to take it easy for a couple of days. She huffed and puffed around me and made me feel as if I was being over dramatic. After this anytime I was doing something that was manual she would sneer and say watch your back in a way that felt like she was mocking me.

[Theo41]

I feel you dismay Verbena. Here are some of my experiences which may help:

1. My wife says:" I don't change easily" That's an understatement. Resistance to any change seems to go with the BPD syndrome in many or most cases.

2. So what do I do? I manage my affairs so as to reduce to a minimum the number of perceived changes or surpisises. I tell her my schedule ahead of time so it's not perceived as a change. Example: I'm going to have coffee with Steve tomorrow at 10 but I'll be back around 12. I come home by 12 if I can. If I can't I covered it somewhat with the word "around" which buys 15 minutes. In your case I might say: I've got a slight headache. I'm going to lie down for an hour (or two) to see if that helps get rid of it. So he knows it's probably temporary and expects u back.

Finally, a key is to always understand I am dealing with a sick person. It's important for me not to take angry or hateful remarks personally. They dish it out but we don't deserve it  and don't have to take it.  We have to learn not to take the negativity on/ not accept it. That doesn't mean throwing it back, just put it aside as nonsense from a sick person.

They love the drama of a fight. If I can, I don't engage. Hope some of that helps. Theo

[waverider]

pwBPD can have no sense of progression. "Now is forever", this is what can bring on depression, they cannot see past the feeling of the moment and feel it will always be like that. Even if past record shows their mood swings rapidly, they can't see it as to them there s no flow.

Hence if they have it in their head you are sick, they dont understand when later you say you are not. They dont understand change readily, as their feeling hasn't changed and they can't sync with yours.

[Verbena]

I appreciate all your responses.  enlighten me, your ex-girlfriend truly didn't have empathy regarding your back issues.  What a jerk to sneer at you when you exerted yourself!  I'm glad she's your ex and not your current!  LOL

Theo41, you are right that it's helpful to remember we are dealing with sick people.  I reminded myself last night that my husband has issues with how his brain works.  I sometimes do feel sorry for him that he chooses negativity above all else.

waverider, my H's sense of time is bizarre and always has been.  Last week and six months ago are the same thing to him. 

Here is where I am still so confused.  Our DD29 is a textbook case of BPD.  She is the reason I came to this site.  Fortunately, she is doing much better and I am much better dealing with her as well.  I ventured to this board and found so many stories that reminded me of my H, BUT... .I still can't see how my H fits any of the BPD criteria. He and our daughter could not be more different in their behaviors.   

He doesn't enjoy drama.  He doesn't create false illnesses and enjoy the attention of them.  He likes no attention on himself, in fact.  He doesn't engage in risky behavior. He doesn't do the push/pull thing.  He doesn't paint people white and then black.  He doesn't have the basic fear of abandonment thing.  He doesn't have a history of intense and unstable relationships.  He's never been suicidal. 

He's just a jerk.  A miserable, angry, negative jerk who never apologizes, cannot be wrong and has no insight into the way he behaves.  I don't guess it matters what label I put on his behavior.  I know there is something wrong with him and I know he is not going to change. 

theo41:  You said "we have to learn not to take the negativity on/not accept it."  I needed to hear that because I do struggle with that.  People tell me that I am a positive, pleasant, and funny.  I see myself that way, too, but I sense sometimes that I am losing those qualities after living so long with such a miserable person. 

[Verbena]

How about this?  The next time I get the "I thought you said" line, what if I say... .

"You're right. I did tell you I had a headache (hurt my back or whatever), but that was several hours ago (two days ago or whatever) and now I'm better.  Thank you for your concern." 

This will make him angry I suppose, but he's already angry all the time anyway.  Would it help him to understand that time has passed? 

We had a bizarre exchange last spring when I told him I needed to do errands but was going to wait because the weather had turned nasty and I didn't want to get out. This was a Monday.  He agreed that I should wait, so I went the next day.  While I was out doing the errands, I spoke to him on the phone three separate times.  When I got home, he helped me put up the groceries and other things I had bought.  Then, the NEXT day (Wednesday)  I was outside doing yardwork and he charged outside and said, "I thought you said you needed to do errands!"

I said, "Yes, I did them yesterday instead of Monday when the weather was stormy.   He got this weird look on his face and tried to tell me it was the Thursday before when the weather prevented me from getting out to do errands. 

[Theo41]

Verbena, it's very important in the relationship I have (uBPDw) and the situation you describe(regardless of what it is) that we have significant relief from being with them. In my case I have done several things at the suggestions of a counselor and a friend in Alanon:

1. I spend a large portion of my time doing other things: sports, Alanon meetings, coffee with friends, art classes, several different community service volunteer activities.

2. I compartmentalize. I have learned how ( most of the time but not all the time) to enjoy myself at these other activities and I don't think or worry about my problem at home.

3. I have created some boundries for myself. When the behavior gets too unpleasant and inappropriate, I don't engage. I remove myself ( lay down for a rest, walk the dog, go out for awhile and on more than one occasion packed a bag and rented a hotel room. Life not short like some people say but time is precious and the older I get the more I refuse to spend time with sickness and unpleasantness. Hope that helps. Theo

[waverider]

Yes space to switch off is important, otherwise you loose perspective.

[Verbena]

Verbena, it's very important in the relationship I have (uBPDw) and the situation you describe(regardless of what it is) that we have significant relief from being with them. In my case I have done several things at the suggestions of a counselor and a friend in Alanon:

1. I spend a large portion of my time doing other things: sports, Alanon meetings, coffee with friends, art classes, several different community service volunteer activities.

2. I compartmentalize. I have learned how ( most of the time but not all the time) to enjoy myself at these other activities and I don't think or worry about my problem at home.

3. I have created some boundries for myself. When the behavior gets too unpleasant and inappropriate, I don't engage. I remove myself ( lay down for a rest, walk the dog, go out for awhile and on more than one occasion packed a bag and rented a hotel room. Life not short like some people say but time is precious and the older I get the more I refuse to spend time with sickness and unpleasantness. Hope that helps. Theo

Thank you for your thoughts,  Theo.  I used to to ask him why he was angry or what was wrong.  This made him more angry. I went from trying to "fix" him, then to minimizing the behavior, and am finally now (after 32 years!) figuring out that he is what he is and I don't have to be around it.  I completely emotionally detached from him years ago, and he doesn't like it.  But, it has helped to involve myself in other activities that don't include him as you've said you do. 

I have found that the less time I spend around him, the better I feel.  He is still going to be angry, negative, and miserable no matter what I do.