Splitting: 2 ways of handling it confused what to do

[Issy]

Sorry I start so many topics but I need help! I have read the LESSONS above here and ever time I learn two conflicting ways to deal with splitting. 1) listen and validate make sure they are heard; 2) hold the borderline responsible for their behavior. What to do? I friend 'broke up' with me in a letter in a blaiming and projecting way, do I have to respond so she will come back one day? But I also want that she sees she needa to work on herself get therapy.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Heldfast]

It's a tough dance, just keep reading up on DBT, maybe pick up a guidance book or work book to go with it.  www.amazon.com/gp/product/1572245131/ref=oh_aui_detailpage_o00_s01?ie=UTF8&psc=1

www.amazon.com/Someone-Borderline-Personality-Disorder--Control/dp/1593856075/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1424440571&sr=1-1&keywords=Loving+a+borderline

Came too late to help me, she was already gone and on to someone else, but very good reads

[Crumbling]

   and thanks for sharing.  No apologies necessary.   

Sorry I start so many topics but I need help! I have read the LESSONS above here and ever time I learn two conflicting ways to deal with splitting. 1) listen and validate make sure they are heard; 2) hold the borderline responsible for their behavior. What to do? I friend 'broke up' with me in a letter in a blaiming and projecting way, do I have to respond so she will come back one day? But I also want that she sees she needa to work on herself get therapy.

Do you want her to come back 'one day'? 

Just a caution, it's wise to not try to change anyone else.  If you are attempting to change her, you may be walking a path of disappointment... .it isn't in your control. 

What you do have control of is YOU.  It's not wrong to want to share your feelings about the relationship with her, in fact, I'd say it's a healthy thing to do.  But if you respond to try to justify yourself or defend yourself from her words, it will likely get you nowhere... .pwBPD see these words as an attack on them, and typically don't respond well.

I would suggest using lots of 'I feel... .' and 'I see... .' in your response to her in an attempt to simply state your case and not get into the blame game that she seems to want to play.

And, well, I hope it helps with your confusion, but here's an example of how you can validate, and listen, but still hold the pwBPD responsible for their own behaviours.

My BPD husband (BPDh) of ten years says, "I can't go to the family reunion, I've got too many responsibilities to get done here.  I'm staying home."  I know him well and know that he is only saying these things to either suck me into having an argument with him about why he should go, or he is scared of the emotions that will arise if he does go.  Either way, I don't agree that him that staying home is a good thing. 

I can still validate his feelings, "I see where you feel too overwhelmed with everything on your plate to go and I'm sorry things that have piled up so high for you."... .And I can hold him responsible for his words by letting his 'decision' to not go stand, and go to the reunion alone.  Does that make any sense?  It's hard to describe in a reader's digest type way, but I hope this helps.

Validation does not mean you have to agree, only that you hear what they are saying.

[Issy]

Thank you for your help and clarification. I really have to watch for that I don't want to change her. It's what triggered her. (of course I want to help her but that will be seen, and already has, as me wanting her to change) And on the other side I have to watch I am not bending to much and apologizing. My head is spinning for weeks now, I can't seem to finally find the right words! It's so awfull, if I had them I can take a rest finally. Oh it goes so far that it steals my sleep, this is on my mind 24/7 :'( if only someone could sit with me and help me through the words.

[Issy]

-empty-

[Issy]

For example. She says she failt to keep this friendship, followed by saying it is ok, it can happen. Maybe she feels like a failure and is trying to prevent that this negative thought will bring her down and then simply trying to convince herself it's ok. Or she thinks it's done and doesn't feel to bad about it, because 'it can happen'. What I think about this friendship is not a failure at all, just some bumps that tell us we now need to work on our friendship, by for example listen better to each other. That's all, not black and white. So how to respond to that (for example)?

[Crumbling]

My head is spinning for weeks now, I can't seem to finally find the right words! It's so awfull, if I had them I can take a rest finally. Oh it goes so far that it steals my sleep, this is on my mind 24/7 :'( if only someone could sit with me and help me through the words.

 

   It's tough to be going thru all this.  It sounds like you have been in the FOG.  There's steps here to help you find your way.

The lessons on the right of this page, and the article titles before you can make anything better are great places to learn, Issy.  It isn't the same as having someone there to help you find the words, but it may give you some ideas to try.   

Recognizing and adapting your communication techniques are important and a great first step.  Being with someone with BPD requires learning how to do a lot of things differently, and it's something that both people in the r/s need to be committed to.

For example. She says she failt to keep this friendship, followed by saying it is ok, it can happen. Maybe she feels like a failure and is trying to prevent that this negative thought will bring her down and then simply trying to convince herself it's ok. Or she thinks it's done and doesn't feel to bad about it, because 'it can happen'. What I think about this friendship is not a failure at all, just some bumps that tell us we now need to work on our friendship, by for example listen better to each other. That's all, not black and white. So how to respond to that (for example)?

 

Just remember she has her opinions and you have yours.  One doesn't have to be wrong because the other is right. 

But I'd say you nailed it, she is black and white thinking, where you can see the broader spectrum of things.  Recognizing this as a trait of BPD is what is important, so as not to belittle her for feeling this way.  It is her reality.  The tools on Lesson 3 are really helpful for these situations.   

I'm sending you good intentions, Issy.   

c.

[Issy]

Crumbling! You were so right! I was definitely in the fog, real deep.  Afraid to loose the friendship, feeling obligated to respond to her and guilty for letting her fall. I was so struggling getting this validation skill working for me. I do it all the time but in this case I was so emotionally overwhelmed and it seems that everything what I do or say upsets her so I got stuck. But I think I finally got it now. I will send you the letter I want to send to my BPD friend in a private message. I hope maybe you can tell me if the letter is ok? If I am validating correctly and if I am not giving in to much.

I learned a lot from your example of the husband not wanting to go to the family reunion and the way you handled it. Thank you.

[Issy]

Are there more people I can send the letter of validation I have for my friend to? And are willing to give comments on it?

I am still doubting if I am doing it right.