Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
March 28, 2024, 07:43:56 AM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Kells76, Once Removed, Turkish
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, EyesUp, SinisterComplex
  Help!   Boards   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Books members most read
105
The High
Conflict Couple
Loving Someone with
Borderline Personality Disorder
Loving the
Self-Absorbed
Borderline Personality
Disorder Demystified

Pages: [1] 2  All   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: 2 things you must have to be on the staying board  (Read 1000 times)
joshbjoshb
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 241


« on: February 20, 2015, 10:38:05 AM »

I was thinking about it today and realized that in order to be in the staying board - i.e. to choose and stay in a relationship with a pwBPD, you must have the following 2 elements.

1. Commitment. You must be very committed to your relationship and choosing to stay no matter what happens. Because this illness isn't really curable - unless, of course, the ill person is very interested in becoming healthy - you must have a higher value that keeps in in the relationship which is commitment.

Every person has their own reason why they commit. For me, my children is a major part. For others it might be religious reasons, or others. But you must be committed or it won' work.

2. Maturity. Not physical, but emotional. You must be very mature, very self aware, very understanding of your OWN emotions. If you don't have that under control, there is no way you can survive such a relationship.

What do you think? Do you agree? Want to add other elements?
Logged
PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES
This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

Skip
Site Director
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 8817


« Reply #1 on: February 20, 2015, 11:03:15 AM »

I agree.  I might tweak it a little to say... .

1. Commitment. You must be very committed to see the relationship through to the next milestone or evaluation. It doesn't need to be lifelong - but it needs to be significant for a term. I think it is good to set, ahead of time, re-evalation milestones.

2. Maturity. Not physical, but emotional. You must be committed to developing a very mature,  self aware, understanding of your OWN emotions and weaknesses. If you aren't getting that under control, you will flounder.

I'd add these, too: https://bpdfamily.com/content/what-does-it-take-be-relationship

Curious to hear others Top Two.
Logged

 
formflier
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 19076



WWW
« Reply #2 on: February 20, 2015, 11:06:30 AM »

I was thinking about it today and realized that in order to be in the staying board - i.e. to choose and stay in a relationship with a pwBPD, you must have the following 2 elements.

1. Commitment. You must be very committed to your relationship and choosing to stay no matter what happens. Because this illness isn't really curable - unless, of course, the ill person is very interested in becoming healthy - you must have a higher value that keeps in in the relationship which is commitment.

Every person has their own reason why they commit. For me, my children is a major part. For others it might be religious reasons, or others. But you must be committed or it won' work.

2. Maturity. Not physical, but emotional. You must be very mature, very self aware, very understanding of your OWN emotions. If you don't have that under control, there is no way you can survive such a relationship.

What do you think? Do you agree? Want to add other elements?

Interesting insights... .

Physical maturity or health will definitely help.  

I have disabilities... .those have been a target of attack.  I would be much better off if those weren't around.  But... .it is what it is... and I recognize that.
Logged

byfaith
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 568


« Reply #3 on: February 20, 2015, 11:19:55 AM »

Joshbjosb,

I agree with your two elements.

I have not posted in a long time. I do read posts but I feel like I am not in a position to give advice. I love my wife very much but I am at the point in my life (over 50) that I am wanting to live a life with my companion that has mutual love and understanding back and forth. I have emotional needs that I am thinking will never be met. These conditions have made me a depressed person. I am not the type of person that can go and do all these things I want to do in my life "on my own". If I wanted to do things on my own I would not have gotten married. I want to share my life with my mate. I enjoy things she enjoys because being with her and loving her I came to love some of the things she loves. It is not the same for her.

Maybe I am rambling a bit... .I have not been physically intimate with my wife in two years, not even a passionate kiss. She has no desire at all. She tells me it will change but I am not sure it will. I ask myself am I willing to give that up for the remainder of our marriage? She stays depressed most of the time even on meds. Her child who is a grown man who has some conditions (that I can't go into) her life is pretty much dictated on his mood and what he is doing and not doing. I don't know that she is truly in love with me. The more I keep writing here the more complicated it seems.

If I decide to stay these are things I have to learn to live with. Am I willing? Marriage is different things to different people. I stay now because I love her enough and know what she has been through in her life to not leave. Unless God intervenes in some way I see things staying status quo. To be honest she is nice to me most of the time. Do I get painted black over things OH YES. Am I able to live a life void of the emotional needs that I need met? I don't know? Time will tell. I read a post where Grey Kitty said You have to be willing to lose your marriage to save it or something to that effect... .I have not stirred the waters that hard yet. Have I learned how to live with my wife who has major BPD symptoms? Yes, but am I happy?
Logged
EaglesJuju
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 1653



« Reply #4 on: February 20, 2015, 12:08:52 PM »

These are all great responses.   Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

1. Commitment. You must be very committed to see the relationship through to the next milestone or evaluation. It doesn't need to be lifelong - but it needs to be significant for a term. I think it is good to set, ahead of time, re-evalation milestones.

2. Maturity. Not physical, but emotional. You must be committed to developing a very mature, self aware, understanding of your OWN emotions and weaknesses. If you aren't getting that under control, you will flounder.


Recognizing your own emotions and weaknesses are key.  The caveat to being in a relationship with a pwBPD is learning a lot about yourself. I have spent as much time learning about who I am as I have learning about my bf. 

Patience is something that you must have to be in a relationship with a pwBPD.  You really need to have patience while coping with emotional dysregulation and the accompanying behaviors. If you do not have patience, you can really make things worse.  A lack of patience can make your easily frustrated with BPD behaviors.

Hope. When we lose hope in our relationship and become pessimistic, we set almost set ourselves up for failure. If we promote hopelessness it is most likely that we will give up on improving our relationships. All relationships, including ones with non disordered people, need work. Love is the foundation for a relationship, but we need to build off of that.  Having hope or optimism, sets the tone. When we believe it is not hopeless, we can take the tools we learned and improve our relationships. Realistically, it is  not going to be easy with a pwBPD all the time, but having an optimistic view and seeing things in a different way helps. 





Logged

"In order to take control of our lives and accomplish something of lasting value, sooner or later we need to Believe. We simply need to believe in the power that is within us, and use it." -Benjamin Hoff
formflier
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 19076



WWW
« Reply #5 on: February 20, 2015, 12:21:36 PM »

Maybe I am rambling a bit... .I have not been physically intimate with my wife in two years, not even a passionate kiss. She has no desire at all. She tells me it will change but I am not sure it will. I ask myself am I willing to give that up for the remainder of our marriage? 

Byfaith,

I would encourage you to start a new topic on this.  The membership might be able to help you figure out a good next step to take to try and make this better.

The good thing that I see here is that she says it will change... .so... .hopefully we can figure out some strategies to get things moving... .

I can feel you emotion in your post... .I believe we can help you with some strategies to get things moving in the right direction in your r/s.

Looking forward to reading and helping in your new topic.

FF
Logged

byfaith
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 568


« Reply #6 on: February 20, 2015, 02:39:52 PM »

Thanks FF

I will try Doing the right thing (click to insert in post). It will be almost impossible to do this from home so I would have to post things on my breaks at work. I need help because I feel like I am drowning. It's not just the BPD traits I have to cope with but the dynamics between her and her son. I am going to do my best to reach out here on these forums. Thanks for the encouragement

BF
Logged
joshbjoshb
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 241


« Reply #7 on: March 11, 2015, 11:33:31 AM »

These are all great responses.   Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

Hope. When we lose hope in our relationship and become pessimistic, we set almost set ourselves up for failure. If we promote hopelessness it is most likely that we will give up on improving our relationships. All relationships, including ones with non disordered people, need work. Love is the foundation for a relationship, but we need to build off of that.  Having hope or optimism, sets the tone. When we believe it is not hopeless, we can take the tools we learned and improve our relationships. Realistically, it is  not going to be easy with a pwBPD all the time, but having an optimistic view and seeing things in a different way helps. 




I am afraid that having hope is basically believing that things can change - even though it's not really under your control. Reading from posts here, very few BPD people really recovered. For the rest of us, we are forever caretakers. It can be tough and tiring - this is how I feel now - but at least I am not naive to think that I can change anything.

Logged
takingandsending
*******
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Married, 15 years; together 18 years
Posts: 1121



« Reply #8 on: March 11, 2015, 11:52:08 AM »

I have to admit that Eagles' post on hope has me second guessing myself. Like joshbjoshb, I am more comfortable with the caretaker approach. My wife is ill. For my children's sake, I am willing to be stay for now.

But a loveless marriage is ultimately bad for the kids and my wife and me. The vulnerability to continue to love without likelihood of return is a bodhisattva path. It's my path, but I am no bodhisattva. Perhaps I would replace the word hope with openness. If I can remain open to my wife, not close off love but allow it when and where it comes from either one of us, then I can stay. If I become closed to the own love within me that wants to extend out, then the damage from staying begins to outweigh any benefit to anyone in the house. I wish I had a calculator that could always tell me exactly where I am at in that equation - that level of self-awareness and honesty is difficult to learn and practice continuously.
Logged

Stalwart
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 333



« Reply #9 on: March 11, 2015, 12:48:14 PM »

Hey Josh:

Interesting post and comments.

No doubt in my mind that both EMOTIONAL MATURITY and COMITTMENT are total prereqs to even consider managing a BPD relationship.

For myself though I’d go a bit further in my personal situation and requirements and that having ‘A PLAN’ for improvement and the dedication, research, learning and COURAGE to implement that plan assisted with unwavering HOPE and optimism that goes with it. For me, these have all been absolute requirements to personally establish and implement.

EMOTIONAL MATURITY

COMITTMENT

A PLAN

COURAGE

HOPE

I know for me and our situation they are self-imposed necessities to cope well in my decision to stay in our relationship.

One thing I do know for certain is that for the situation of our relationship that has gone from something only Dante could envision to a relatively harmonious situation today – that plan I’ve dedicated myself to has worked for both of us. To give credit where it is certainly due her recognition of diagnosis and continued therapy is also vastly contributable.

So yup, I’d add a couple of personal requirements to the categories to bring about real success. Bullet: completed (click to insert in post)

Thanks for posting;

Rick

Logged
EaglesJuju
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 1653



« Reply #10 on: March 11, 2015, 01:33:38 PM »

I am afraid that having hope is basically believing that things can change - even though it's not really under your control. Reading from posts here, very few BPD people really recovered. For the rest of us, we are forever caretakers. It can be tough and tiring - this is how I feel now - but at least I am not naive to think that I can change anything.

Yes, we cannot change the fact that our partners suffer from BPD. We cannot change the behaviors/traits associated with BPD either.

On the other hand,there are things under our control that we can change.  We can change how we react to certain situations.  We can change how we communicate with our partner. We can change and establish boundaries.  We can change our own behaviors. Changing or improving the relationship starts with us, the non-BPD partner.  Improving and changing ourselves affects our relationships in a positive manner.

Logged

"In order to take control of our lives and accomplish something of lasting value, sooner or later we need to Believe. We simply need to believe in the power that is within us, and use it." -Benjamin Hoff
Mustbeabetterway
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 633


« Reply #11 on: March 11, 2015, 02:06:38 PM »

1.Commitment - true commitment takes emotional maturity. 

2.  Resillence (I had to check the spelling and it still doesn't look right!)

You have to be able to bend without breaking.   

Eagles,  your post is exactly right!  I have struggled with the word "hope".  In Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist in Your Life. It says you have to give up hope - meaning hoping the pwBPD will change.  The book has been a life saver for me, but I had the hardest time with that.  I am a hopeful person.  I haven't given up hope in myself, but finally I have accepted that everything will not go as planned.  I think a better word may be expectation (as a synonym for hope).  We should give up the expectation that pwBPD will make significant changes because we want them to. As long as I held out hope(expectation) for someone else to do something the. I was stuck.  Because I can only change myself.  Now I am very hopeful that I will keep getting unstuck and being the person I am meant to be.

Byfaith,  sounds rough.  There is a lot of encouragement and insight here.  Wishing you peace and looking forward to hearing more from you.

Logged
Stalwart
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 333



« Reply #12 on: March 11, 2015, 02:11:22 PM »

Hey Josh:

"Caretaker for ever"  well maybe that isn't a bad interpretation but it depends on how much less care needs to be personally taken. Only the long haul and retrospect can actually answer that but I agree there is always management but management is required in any relationship. It part and parcel to having a good relationship with anyone. It's when complacency sets in and assuming everything is okay just the way it is that every couple start to drift. I firmly believe that caring and attending to the needs of your spouse and being interested in their lives is a total necessity in any relationship and yes, certainly a necessity in a borderline relationship. Maybe on a more intense level.

"…but at least I am not naive to think that I can change anything." This is the statement I'd like to address Josh and I'm so sorry that at the moment you've resigned yourself to it. There is just so much that can be changed, but not overnight and really; ONLY by you. You are the one in the relationship with the ability to recognize and change yourself to bring better harmony, stability and acceptance. You're the aware and strong one with emotional maturity.

That doesn't mean ever compromising integrity, morals or ethics. It means changing understandings, acceptances, building empathy that’s relevant, meaningful to your wife’s situation and knowing it rather than second-guessing ‘intents’ that most time are not intents at all but dysregualted and unfocused thinking.  

Josh, there is limitless possibilities for improvement on vast scales. Do I believe there will ever be a day that her illness isn’t a reason for concern or attention, no, I don’t believe there is a defined cure per se but I do know and have lived working through huge success by learning, practicing and using the five contingencies to guide me that I put in your post earlier.

I really hope Josh that you can find the way in your heart and through your own needs if not hers to learn more, apply more in positive ways and find even some of the success I have in the past two and half years of turning around our relationship. It’s been worth every hour of reading, thinking and applying what I’ve learned to her and my own thinking and my own reactive behavior. Today she feels loved, is loved and is learning to know and accept that. That doesn’t mean there isn’t a carnival ride that might have be climbed on a ridden around the corner, but at least it isn’t a massive roller coaster with no brakes and huge curves.

I really believe all wives want to be valued, heard, listened to and respected as individuals. Maybe I'm wrong and the wive's here can comment. I think it’s inherent and necessary to all relationships. Don't we as men really want the same things?

In the case of a borderline relationship it’s just more difficult to really learn how to accomplish those things well, mostly because of all the past difficulties they and maybe you have experienced with her in the past. Still it makes it no less of a requirement to find those things for her and for you to build your relationship into something more harmonious. It is difficult but it is changeable and it is rewarding and it can be hopeful and positive. Living in and holding on to the past difficulties only retards future hopes and abilities. I know I had to turn a new blank page and COMMIT myself to that new future. There was just too much hurt and heartbreak in the past to wade through and live in. Making a choice to stay for me meant making that commitment. Yes, it all sounds easy if you say it fast enough but non of it is, nor is it immediately rewarding moving forward.

Commitment and determination my friend – you stay strong and don’t give up hope, use it to find solutions – they are there to be found.

Logged
joshbjoshb
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 241


« Reply #13 on: March 11, 2015, 02:41:48 PM »

Great post, stalwart, and I appreciate you feeling bad for me Smiling (click to insert in post)

I did go through plenty. A lot of learning, a lot of improvement, and some setbacks. But one thing is clear even from your own post - you are not writing about how "you" feel loved, how you feel cared for, respected, etc. You are writing how "she" feels this way. And that's great. You sound like a good husband - and a good caretaker!

And there is nothing wrong with that.
Logged
joshbjoshb
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 241


« Reply #14 on: March 11, 2015, 02:43:20 PM »

And if you feel a slight sense of depression from my posts you are correct. Currently my wife is going through a very rough time with an interpersonal situation (not so much to do with me, but she still expects me to "fix' it for her)  and all I can do is sit on the side and pray that perhaps she will seek some emotional support and advice to do the right thing.

Logged
Stalwart
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 333



« Reply #15 on: March 11, 2015, 05:17:40 PM »

I know how depressing repetitive situations from challenged decisions on the part of a spouse can be, fact is they can be disheartening. I know in the past before I undertook an entire personal overhaul that I could say after 7 years of dysfunctional marriage and not knowing or understanding why that I was definitely  emotionally unattached and not willing to give advice on situations any longer. I think it came from not being responding to in an emotionally supporting way as well as having her validate anything she was seeking from outsiders rather than listen to my advice. Both were destructive and so difficult to live with.

I still don't offer advice unless I'm asked, usually I find just listening is all she really wants and doesn't want me to fix things for her, that doesn't mean I don't help though if there are certain tasks I'm better suited to do like draft letters if it applies to business or legal matters... .If she asks - I'll help where I think it's right or I  can.

The one thing I've learned to do well though is to be emotionally connected and in touch.

I'm certainly not being judgmental or derogatory Josh. Just not my thing and I do know and have experienced the lows and pain of it all that you're in. The fact is I hope you never have to experience some of the situations I have.

In my case if I can see anyone I know needs emotional support they don't need to ask, I'm the first to offer anyone an ear and can pretty much learn to validate and help a person explore their own problems and feelings. If I would do that for anyone else you can bet I'm the first in line if I know my wife needs emotional support to offer it - she shouldn't need to ask. Fact is if not me than who does she turn to for that need? it's a huge need with this disorder.

Just let me jump in and say I wasn't always like that with my wife Josh and I know how a relationship can get to a point of deterioration, frustration and separating yourself from the personal connectivity. I also know considering my wife's illness that it was the very worst thing I could have allowed myself to do and become. There are better paths even for all the past hurt and experiences. You can't change the wind my friend but you sure can adjust the sail to come to a different destination.

I really hope you work through your present situation Josh and can find some resemblance to peace in it.

Hey if you want to share in the problem there are a lot of people here that have experienced the same thing and might have found some type of solutions. They're here for you my friend.


Rick
Logged
Kasina
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 142


« Reply #16 on: March 11, 2015, 06:37:13 PM »

Hello joshb,

Reading your post brought a year to my eye because these are the very two things I have kept un my mind while in relationship.i have been in relationship with him for more than 2 years and I decided to stay and commit by giving my 100% in to the relationship .

Never invalidating or abandoning him even when he broke up with me I tried to be understanding as much as I could.just today I was wondering to write this very post that you have posted but I didn't know how to put it in to words.

Anyway despite all the effort and commitment my bf with BPD left me for an ex out of blue and I m dumbstruck don't know what to say or feel.

Maybe I had poor boundaries and was enabling him but I tried and now I m devastated .

I m so pathetic right now that I have begged him to click me from his phone so I won't call him on see him on whatsapp but he won't do it...

Can you please tell me should I still be committed to him cause I know that his abandonment fears and feelings if rejection are in play...

Should I still be committed?

I m sorry if I am irrrelevant.this board and support group is all I have to turn too :'(
Logged
Stalwart
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 333



« Reply #17 on: March 12, 2015, 10:21:52 AM »

Hey Kasina:

I know you put your question to Josh and I hope neither of you mind me commenting in reply as well.

Sweetheart, I so feel for your situation and it must be so difficult for you after putting so much commitment into your relationship. It must hurt so much and be so hard to deal with. I hope you know that if you allow it the desperate feelings of pain will subside with time. I so hope you don't doubt yourself or your participation in your relationship. You should know that you gave it your all and yes, you deserved better than that.

Honestly though, "should I still be committed to him cause I know that his abandonment fears and feelings if rejection are in play" Considering he abandoned you and is with an ex don't you think it might be time to take care of YOU? I can only imagine you must feel rejected and really, someone with so much want and so much to give deserves so much better.

I hope you find that, your strength and the way to a better path that's more rewarding and deserved.

Rick
Logged
joshbjoshb
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 241


« Reply #18 on: March 12, 2015, 01:28:28 PM »

I know how depressing repetitive situations from challenged decisions on the part of a spouse can be, fact is they can be disheartening. I know in the past before I undertook an entire personal overhaul that I could say after 7 years of dysfunctional marriage and not knowing or understanding why that I was definitely  emotionally unattached and not willing to give advice on situations any longer. I think it came from not being responding to in an emotionally supporting way as well as having her validate anything she was seeking from outsiders rather than listen to my advice. Both were destructive and so difficult to live with.

I still don't offer advice unless I'm asked, usually I find just listening is all she really wants and doesn't want me to fix things for her, that doesn't mean I don't help though if there are certain tasks I'm better suited to do like draft letters if it applies to business or legal matters... .If she asks - I'll help where I think it's right or I  can.

The one thing I've learned to do well though is to be emotionally connected and in touch.

I'm certainly not being judgmental or derogatory Josh. Just not my thing and I do know and have experienced the lows and pain of it all that you're in. The fact is I hope you never have to experience some of the situations I have.

In my case if I can see anyone I know needs emotional support they don't need to ask, I'm the first to offer anyone an ear and can pretty much learn to validate and help a person explore their own problems and feelings. If I would do that for anyone else you can bet I'm the first in line if I know my wife needs emotional support to offer it - she shouldn't need to ask. Fact is if not me than who does she turn to for that need? it's a huge need with this disorder.

Just let me jump in and say I wasn't always like that with my wife Josh and I know how a relationship can get to a point of deterioration, frustration and separating yourself from the personal connectivity. I also know considering my wife's illness that it was the very worst thing I could have allowed myself to do and become. There are better paths even for all the past hurt and experiences. You can't change the wind my friend but you sure can adjust the sail to come to a different destination.

I really hope you work through your present situation Josh and can find some resemblance to peace in it.

Hey if you want to share in the problem there are a lot of people here that have experienced the same thing and might have found some type of solutions. They're here for you my friend.


Rick

I get all what you wrote, and more - but you still didn't answer my question.

You are in a position of a caretaker. That means that you give all the time - you listen, you care, you connect, you help. But a caretaker by definition is someone that mainly gives and gets back little. Obviously they can have their needs met somewhere else (i.e. therapy, friends, etc.)

If in the marriage you mainly give emotional support but receive little, than you are an emotional caretaker.

And it's important to recognize that, because it's helpful in understanding the stress you are under. Ask anyone who needs to tend to the needs of an elderly or disable person and they will tell you that it's not easy.

So when I look at my marriage, hope is not one of the ingredients that will make me stay. I believe being realistic is better as it will prepare me for the long haul I hope to be in for my children's sake.   
Logged
joshbjoshb
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 241


« Reply #19 on: March 12, 2015, 01:33:54 PM »

Hello joshb,

Reading your post brought a year to my eye because these are the very two things I have kept un my mind while in relationship.i have been in relationship with him for more than 2 years and I decided to stay and commit by giving my 100% in to the relationship .

Never invalidating or abandoning him even when he broke up with me I tried to be understanding as much as I could.just today I was wondering to write this very post that you have posted but I didn't know how to put it in to words.

Anyway despite all the effort and commitment my bf with BPD left me for an ex out of blue and I m dumbstruck don't know what to say or feel.

Maybe I had poor boundaries and was enabling him but I tried and now I m devastated .

I m so pathetic right now that I have begged him to click me from his phone so I won't call him on see him on whatsapp but he won't do it...

Can you please tell me should I still be committed to him cause I know that his abandonment fears and feelings if rejection are in play...

Should I still be committed?

I m sorry if I am irrrelevant.this board and support group is all I have to turn too :'(

I don't know your situation, but clearly this illness is much bigger than us. Sometimes it can do crazy things to our loved ones. If this is a chosen relationship and he left you, I don't think you should continue to be committed to someone who is not committed to you.

Mourn the loss and move on.

Just my 0.02
Logged
Kasina
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 142


« Reply #20 on: March 12, 2015, 02:05:22 PM »

Thankyou Rick for your reply support and understanding .

Yes I know I should take care of myself as he have left and it was his choice so no point in being committed .

It's just after reading this post I felt very futstrated and depressed that these are the two things that I believed in and invested in this relationship,wasted my time And my love.all in vain... it doesn't matter thought I just need to stay focus and take care of me.

X
Logged
Kasina
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 142


« Reply #21 on: March 12, 2015, 02:10:36 PM »

Thankyou joshb for the reply.

You are right there's no point in being committed to someone who'd not committed to me but things weren't this way just a month back.we were engaged and getting married soon .its very sudden for me to take or in and deal with it.

In last he said go respond to your proposals if no one accepted me he would and I m kind of suck at this last sentence that where did it came from and why would he even said that.

It's like after grieving the loss and trying to love on I get stuck at this very last sentence tjhay why would he say sth like that?

I m sorry I m rambling about my problems over this post which has nothing to do with what I m going through ...

Thankyou anyway.
Logged
Notwendy
********
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 10440



« Reply #22 on: March 12, 2015, 02:55:29 PM »

Kasina, I don't know if wondering why he said something would be helpful. For one, it's hard to know why someone says what they say, and also, your bf seems to change what he does and says so it is hard to know. Perhaps the only answer is he said it, then.

I know you love him and gave it your all. I think that can be said for many of us on this board. We have loved our SO's and still, whether we deserved it or not, been the recipients of some hurtful behavior. I think we work in a world where we think being kind to someone will result in them being kind back, but it doesn't always work that way, and when it doesn't it hurts.

All of us here, in a r/s with someone also have to realize that the other person has a mind of his/her own and can decide what they are going to do, no matter what we do. So yes, this is the "staying" board, but at any moment, one or the other could change direction. Once the r/s is terminated by either side, staying may or may not make so much sense.

I hope that you take some time to heal and also grow through this. Breaking up is painful, but all breakups are an opportunity for growth too. At the moment it hurts, because it really does feel like a withdrawal. Our brains enjoy the feel good chemicals a r/s brings. However, time heals, it really does.


He may come back to you. Maybe that is what you are hoping for, but perhaps by that time, you might decide to make a different decision.

Logged
Kasina
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 142


« Reply #23 on: March 12, 2015, 05:24:53 PM »

Hey notwendy,

Thankyou for taking time out to read my post and thankyou for replying.

Yes I agree that there is no point hanging on what he said,it doesn't even makes sense to him at times what he would say or do at times.

The fact is he did what he did,he chose to break up and leave now I have to cope up and focus on myself which I am trying to and hope that I get better with time.

X
Logged
123Phoebe
Staying and Undecided
********
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 2070



« Reply #24 on: March 12, 2015, 05:47:14 PM »

It was weird.  The very first things (words) that came to mind were Perseverance and Fortitude.  Then I looked them up for their actual meaning to make sure and yep, those two things are pretty necessary.

Perseverance: the quality that allows someone to continue trying to do something even though it is difficult.

Fortitude: mental and emotional strength in facing difficulty, adversity, danger, or temptation courageously.

Know that there will be difficult times, that's life!  You just have to keep moving forward with a good sense of self.   

Plus a big dose of love goes a long way... .
Logged
formflier
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 19076



WWW
« Reply #25 on: March 13, 2015, 03:41:58 PM »

 

Great thread... .couple thoughts.

There was some mention that we can't change the BPD behaviors. I want to propose a caveat... .that will hopefully... .give hope.

Many of us have unwittingly been part of a cycle for a long time... .before we knew what part we were playing in a dysfunctional relationship.  In other words... .our "reactions"... were giving them something they were looking for.

Well... .if we change our reactions... .most likely... .they will eventually change... .since it is no longer "working" for them.

They may not change into exactly what we want... .but they will change.

Once I made it through my first extinction burst... .and it worked out just like BPD family said it would... .that was very powerful to me.  I went from thinking I was in a hopeless situation... .where I had NO control... .to realizing that I could have influence. 

123 Phoebe,

If you had to pick one... .which one do you think is most important.  I think I'm going to go with Fortitude!
Logged

byfaith
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 568


« Reply #26 on: March 13, 2015, 04:05:20 PM »

I will go with fortitude... .

I need to read up again on what an extinction burst is.

I am seeing something. The more I bring up a problem area in our relationship whether it be the lack of intimacy,etc. the outcome is not exactly how I want it to be but at least it's out there on the table and we were able to discuss it. I keep bringing things up and talking about them in a non threatening way. No ultimatums. Hopefully this will begin to bring about change. My wife is going to counseling and I think it is helping. I still have some hope left Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)  God is faithful

Logged
maxsterling
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic Partner
Relationship status: living together, engaged
Posts: 2772



« Reply #27 on: March 13, 2015, 04:52:45 PM »

My personal thought here is that the type of people that can make a BPD relationship work for an extended period of time must posess:

1)  A strong identity.  Those who did not enter into the relationship having spent a considerable amount of time discovering who they are will quickly get overrun by the BPD personality.  If it wasn't for my many years living alone creating my own life and understanding my own happiness, this relationship would have killed me by now.   

2)  Endless patience.  A pwBPD is unlikely to change, and if he/she does, it's not going to happen fast.  My feeling is that if you have any expectations of the future with a BPD partner, you will slowly succumb and be miserable.  The trick is to try and focus on one day at a time, let go of the past, and have no expectations of the future.  If I sit and think about the things I probably will never be able to do with my wife because of her mental instability, I fall into the abyss.  Likewise, if I focus on what happened last month or last year or who she was prior to meeting me, I fall into the abyss.  Only if I can stay in the present things can be enjoyable. pwBPD will bring a plethora of bad days. If we are to survive, we need to understand that is only one moment and one day, and tomorrow is a new day.

Logged

Stalwart
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 333



« Reply #28 on: March 14, 2015, 12:44:55 AM »

Hey Josh:

Wasn't trying to avoid the question. Just didn't get to it.

Caretaker, I suppose so I volunteered to do Palliative Care and did it for many years and also cared for my Father when he was terminally ill. Yes I have a caring or caretaking nature.

To answer your question about what I get in return, my wife and I now are very close but that took time and concentration to turn around. It's been constant now for about two years but hey there are the odd days that are more challenging than others. There are in any relationship, life has a way of throwing curves at all of us that are stressful and challenging to manage.

So two weeks ago I came home to find a plague in the bedroom, she actually put it up. "I found the one my Soul Loves" We're really close now Josh and no it wasn't always that way, but it is possible to break through and change it around. At least in our case it was and like I said earlier you couldn't have been in too much of a worse situation than we were three years ago. You can't change the wind but if you take the helm and readjust the sail you change the course.

It takes every nature and characteristic everyone has posted here, but what it really also takes is the want to not accept less for your wife or yourself and not settling for less when more can be achieved.

It's really great that you're there for you kids Josh and I just so hope you can find ways to find better harmony for yourself and your wife as well.

" There was some mention that we can't change the BPD behaviors. I want to propose a caveat... .that will hopefully... .give hope.

Many of us have unwittingly been part of a cycle for a long time... .before we knew what part we were playing in a dysfunctional relationship.  In other words... .our "reactions"... were giving them something they were looking for.

Well... .if we change our reactions... .most likely... .they will eventually change... .since it is no longer "working" for them.

They may not change into exactly what we want... .but they will change.

Once I made it through my first extinction burst... .and it worked out just like BPD family said it would... .that was very powerful to me.  I went from thinking I was in a hopeless situation... .where I had NO control... .to realizing that I could have influence. "

Well put formifier. That is the hope I had, the course I took and the success I found doing exactly what you've posted. Is it possible? It is in some cases and I live the experience and believe me, there isn't a day goes by that I'm not grateful. It's been worth every bit of the learning and implementation of that  to experience the changes in myself and in turn our relationship together. I so wish so many others could find that same experience because I know how much they deserve it.

Logged
Loosestrife
*****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 612



« Reply #29 on: March 14, 2015, 04:19:37 AM »

Compassion and integrity
Logged
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2024?

Pages: [1] 2  All   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2023 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
AskingWhy
At Bay
Cat Familiar
CoherentMoose
drained1996
EZEarache
Flora and Fauna
ForeverDad
Gemsforeyes
Goldcrest
Harri
healthfreedom4s
hope2727
khibomsis
Lemon Squeezy
Memorial Donation (4)
Methos
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
P.F.Change
Penumbra66
Red22
Rev
SamwizeGamgee
Skip
Swimmy55
Tartan Pants
Turkish
whirlpoollife



Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!