2 things you must have to be on the staying board

[Depression = 72% of members]

1) Perspective- I read several books on marriage and one aspect that stood out to me was the concept of marriage as a "crucible"- a process that is designed for personal growth rather than the fairy tale "happily ever after" romances depicted in films and stories. I stay because, I know that I chose my H for a reason. I can see where this marriage has matured me in many ways. I also need to understand that while I would not deliberately hurt my H, my  WOE, managing my H's feelings is not allowing him to grow. I have to know what is being co-dependent and what is caring. I also have to be realistic and see that there are good and not so good parts of everyone. I have had to reframe my idea of love from making each other happy to loving myself and him enough to do what I think is good for him and also me.


2) Limits- just as marriage isn't all fairy tale romance, neither should it be dangerous. I have to know the bottom line of what I will tolerate and know my boundaries. I also need to understand my H's limits- and not expect him to be different while still maintaining my boundaries. I have to know the limits of giving up too much of myself- what I am willing to do and what I am not. I also have to respect his boundaries.

[Notwendy]

1) Perspective- I read several books on marriage and one aspect that stood out to me was the concept of marriage as a "crucible"- a process that is designed for personal growth rather than the fairy tale "happily ever after" romances depicted in films and stories. I stay because, I know that I chose my H for a reason. I can see where this marriage has matured me in many ways. I also need to understand that while I would not deliberately hurt my H, my  WOE, managing my H's feelings is not allowing him to grow. I have to know what is being co-dependent and what is caring. I also have to be realistic and see that there are good and not so good parts of everyone. I have had to reframe my idea of love from making each other happy to loving myself and him enough to do what I think is good for him and also me.


2) Limits- just as marriage isn't all fairy tale romance, neither should it be dangerous. I have to know the bottom line of what I will tolerate and know my boundaries. I also need to understand my H's limits- and not expect him to be different while still maintaining my boundaries. I have to know the limits of giving up too much of myself- what I am willing to do and what I am not. I also have to respect his boundaries.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Michelle27]

1) Perspective- I read several books on marriage and one aspect that stood out to me was the concept of marriage as a "crucible"- a process that is designed for personal growth rather than the fairy tale "happily ever after" romances depicted in films and stories. I stay because, I know that I chose my H for a reason. I can see where this marriage has matured me in many ways. I also need to understand that while I would not deliberately hurt my H, my  WOE, managing my H's feelings is not allowing him to grow. I have to know what is being co-dependent and what is caring. I also have to be realistic and see that there are good and not so good parts of everyone. I have had to reframe my idea of love from making each other happy to loving myself and him enough to do what I think is good for him and also me.


2) Limits- just as marriage isn't all fairy tale romance, neither should it be dangerous. I have to know the bottom line of what I will tolerate and know my boundaries. I also need to understand my H's limits- and not expect him to be different while still maintaining my boundaries. I have to know the limits of giving up too much of myself- what I am willing to do and what I am not. I also have to respect his boundaries.

Was that book called "The Passionate Marriage"?  I read it and the ideas in it blew my mind.  It was NOT the book I was expecting, but it really was a fascinating read.  I really see now how working through the crappy things, digging deep into myself and changing my ideas of what I want and need made things worse with my uBPDh.  Running away at the first sign of trouble wouldn't have allowed me to do the work on myself that I needed.  Not that I am totally optimistic about our future, but there's more hope now than there has been in years.

[Notwendy]

Yes, it was Passionate Marriage that said this, and also some others I read, that I don't recall the titles to. I went through a "what is going on with my marriage" stage where I read many books on marriage. They really were eye openers.

[MaybeSo]

I like what has been said thus far.

I would add…(sorry if overlap w/ anything already said)

The ability or interest to look at yourself and take responsibility for your own growth and your own life including the ability to self sooth and find meaning in your life independent of what your partner is doing at any given time…. and it helps if you actually value and enjoy that kind of challenge. 

If you are a person who understands and values the concept of  ‘discomfort for growth’  (that does not include accepting abuse)  …it helps.

On a practical side.  I think if you are going to be in a r/s like this, it is extremely important that you feel able to manage your own financial affairs and you are not dependent on a person who is emotionally unstable for keeping a roof over your head. 

[formflier]

 

I am certain that the growth that I have done as a result of "dealing" with my wifes issues... .was needed on my part.

Still more to do.

I'm going to have to put that book on my to read list.

[takingandsending]

MaybeSo,

Self soothing is exactly what my T and I talked about today. I still haven't got that skill or lesson learned. And it is so limiting me and my capacity to reach the kindness I strive for with my wife. Thanks for the post.

[123Phoebe]

123 Phoebe,

If you had to pick one... .which one do you think is most important.  I think I'm going to go with Fortitude!

Hmm, I can't really pick one as being more important than the other; I appreciate everyone's input as it all has some bearing on/in our relationships, all these things work together in an orchestrated way-- we are our own symphonies!

When I think of perseverance, I'm not looking at it in a he or this relationship is so difficult kind of way.  It's more looking into my own behaviors and how difficult it can be for me at times to do the right, fair and honest thing, which would be to open up and share what is really going on inside of me.  And to do it in a non blaming or fearful way.  These are my feelings, not, you make me feel.

Fortitude is facing these things inside of me head-on and sharing them with him, creating a safer environment for us.  Oh, it's tempting to tell him how difficult he can be!  But then, is he really being difficult or am I having difficulty expressing myself? 

And I don't mean share every nuance of the hows and why's I'm feeling something.  Just be that person.

I by no means think I'm healthier or he's more disordered than I am, we're not in a one-up-one-down position at all.  We're just two people doing our thing... .

[Stalwart]

Really great answer Pheobe