Pain Like Nothing On Earth

[stephen32]

I have been with someone with BPD for over 2 years. I have suffered relentless emotional and physical abuse. She finishes with me every 2 weeks but I go running back and make up and the cycle starts again. She does whatever she wants but is hugely controlling over what I do keeps me apart from friends family and comes between me and my children yet I can't leave her. A few days pass and I really think that it was me that was the problem she rewrites history continually. My world is falling apart I am physically ill and run down, emaoitnall drained and after only two days apart pining for her to come back (and give me more abuse). She refuses to get counselling says I am the problem , it is me who makes her react the way I do. Recently she did hint that she would go but does nothing about it. I feel desperate and often suicidal but I can't leave her. Right now I am two days into me saying its over after she came to my house without my permission and went through my things and computer and slated me for daring to go on a few help webistes and talk to people , she read the messages. Help

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cat Familiar]

 

Stephen32, you are really hurting in a variety of ways right now. We're glad you found us. There's much to be learned about how to be in a relationship with a person with BPD, so please study the lessons on the right side of this page. We've all been through trying times dealing with our loved ones and we understand. We can't change them, but we can learn strategies so that their behavior doesn't impact us so negatively and through that, we can have a much more harmonious relationship with them.

You might already know that the push/pull cycle you're experiencing with your girlfriend is very typical of BPD. And though she refuses to get counseling, you certainly can. It's been a blessing for me to have a therapist who helps me cope with my husband's behavior, which can be so nonsensical at times. Please keep posting here and those of us who've been in the trenches can share what we've learned with you.

[Crumbling]

 

after she came to my house without my permission and went through my things and computer and slated me for daring to go on a few help webistes and talk to people , she read the messages. Help

Oh, my.  This would leave me feeling horribly violated!     Are you okay?

You know that coming to help sites like this one is a really good resource, right?  The 'Safety First' link here at the right is a really good link, for those times when you are feeling threatened.  I'm glad you've found us, and hope that your password and handle are kept only in your brain, so she can't access them.   

I echo Cat's post, it's really helpful to focus on yourself, and to be clear on what is in your control and what is in hers, letting her be responsible for herself. 

I have suffered relentless emotional and physical abuse.

... .is hugely controlling over what I do keeps me apart from friends family and comes between me and my children yet I can't leave her.

Stephen32,     Perhaps the "before you can make anything better" article may help too.  Is she Mom to your children?  It's so complicated and heavy when there are kids in the mix. 

 

[sweetheart]

Hello stephen32,

I'm glad you found us.

Things sound like they have been very difficult within your relationship, and I can hear that you are experiencing a lot of stress because of those difficulties.

Posting here amongst people who share similar experiences will help, we can offer you support and advice that will help you with what you are going through.

Is there anyone else in your life at the moment that you can reach out to for support, a close friend or family member. ? Do you have a therapist that could help with any of these issues ?

Take care of yourself and keep posting and let us know what is going on, there is always someone here to listen.

[Ripped Heart]

Hi Stephen32,

There has been a lot of great advice offered here by our members and it cannot be easy going through the cycles and recycles you are right now. The most important thing here is your own safety, security and well being. As crumbling has already mentioned, the article Before you can make things better, you have to stop making things worse - Staff Article may be of some assistance to you during this difficult time.

For those of us who have experienced the feelings you are going through and been in similar situations, it is extremely easy when you are isolated to feel that you are alone in what you are experiencing. That isn't the case and there is support and guidance for you here to help you through this difficult time.

Again, I echo what many have said on these responses, that you have to begin to focus on yourself and start to build stronger boundaries to protect you.

You may find BOUNDARIES: Upholding our values and independence helpful in what to expect as you begin to heal and strengthen your boundaries.

It's also easy to accept the responsibility of others when it is imposed on us. Healing comes from being able to accept what is ours and leaving the responsibility of others firmly on their door. It takes practice and isn't always easy to determine who should own what but with time and healing it becomes easier and again, you have the support and guidance of many of our members here.

Do you have a therapist right now or someone you are able to talk to outside of the relationship? Building a support network goes a long way to helping you recover too and help to pick apart the responsibilities you feel you should own. It was a great help to me when I found myself in a similar situation to you, isolated 1000's of miles away from friends and family, constantly monitored and my every moved watched and analysed.

It can get better, but while ever you take on the burden of someone elses responsibility, it slows down your own healing and may always feel like 1 step forward and 2 steps back. I know for me, it felt like being in a hole where you can see the opening but every time you got so far, you slipped back into that hole. Every attempt took energy and strength and felt like the way forward was always just out of reach.

The first step comes from gaining an understanding that we cannot control others and others cannot control us. It often feels like that though because we live in what is called FOG (Fear, Obligation and Guilt) and it's by someone using those against us that it feels like we have no control over ourselves and relinquish control to the other person. Once we begin to understand that the only person who has control over us is ourselves, we begin to take little steps forward and that's when we allow the healing process to take over and find that extra strength in ourselves  

[stephen32]

thank you so much i will read the links. she is posting songs about leaving me on Facebook and i know is looking for a reaction but i feel i have to take a stand which is what i have never done before, she even sent me a message saying that i will be chasing her when my codependence becomes too much> She walked out after i refused to give up the tickets i had bought to take my boys to a football match as she was moving that eek (which I didn't know when i bought them). I even said i would cancel the match if she was moving on that day (which she wasn't) - she basically didn't want me to go with them. I have got a therapist and she went mad about me going there one night when she had decided to "come back to me" (i chose my therapist over her) and then went off to her exboyfriends birthday party! If i had done that she would have killed me! She physically attached me when i told her i was taking my daughter to a music festival when she was going to be away for 3 months on a beach! She can do anything I can do nothing. This time i am trying to take a stand , set a boundary by no contact but I don't know if I can hold out (she can hold out forever it seems) and I don't know what the solution is. EVERYONE says I should run for the hills...

[Cat Familiar]

Good for you for setting a boundary. No contact will undoubtedly be hard, but it will give you time to work on yourself and discover what you want, rather than merely reacting to her demands and abuse. I'm really glad that you've found a therapist. When you've been in an abusive situation (and I speak from experience), it's so helpful to have emotional support from a professional. It's good that you are taking care of yourself and focusing on your children now. It's hard when you love someone who is so willing to hurt you in those ways. Please keep posting and tell us more. We've been there too. It gets better when you have more tools to deal with dysregulated behavior.  

[stephen32]

thank you - how long should  i do this no contact for? I have basically said that its over because i am so angry with her. i guess i am hoping she will come running back full of guilt and apologies but that is not likely... the last time she apologised for anything was 18 months ago! I have never felt pain like this and i have recovered from drink and drug addiction. This is something else.

on a technical note can i find these series of posts again? if there are no new posts i couldn't find it?

[EaglesJuju]

Hi Stephen32, 

Welcome. I am sorry that you are going through such a difficult time.    I understand how painful it is to cope with abusive behavior. 

how long should  i do this no contact for? I have basically said that its over because i am so angry with her. i guess i am hoping she will come running back full of guilt and apologies but that is not likely... the last time she apologised for anything was 18 months ago! I have never felt pain like this and i have recovered from drink and drug addiction. This is something else.

In my opinion, there is not a time limit while going no contact. No contact  is more for you to allow yourself some space and time to heal and focus on yourself.  I have gone through a period of no contact with my bf and it really gave me the time to heal and regain a different perspective.  I had an opportunity to read through the lessons/material on BPD during my period of no contact. I took the time to focus on what I want.

I have felt exactly the same way you do.  I think that many of us tend to forget our own needs/wants while coping with the behavior of a pwBPD. Remember you are important too! 

[Notwendy]

Stephen,

I am sorry that you are in so much emotional pain. I think you have received much good advice.

How long is NC? That's up to you. It isn't up to her. NC, and any recovery work you do should be for you, regardless of what direction your relationship takes.

If you went NC as part of the push pull between you and your gf, then what this is is more like a chess game- your move, my move. This is different from choosing what to do from the point of view of what is best for you.

You may not know, and that can happen to people ( we have all been there) who are in relationships where we focus so much on them that we lose touch with who we are. The benefit of NC is to give you the space and time to focus on you. You also have children who need you too.

You mentioned addiction. This is an addiction in a way.  Even healthy relationships create "feel good" neurotransmitters. Break ups are painful because of the emotional loss and also the withdrawal of what makes us feel good. It is normal to feel sad and hurt, however, as you know, people can recover from this as well. Being in a high drama/passion/stress relationship can affect mood and well being.

Nobody wants to feel pain, however, our feelings tell us something. Emotional pain tells you that you are hurting, much like physical pain tells you that a stove is too hot and that you need protect your hand. I found that by dealing with my own co-dependency that I could make sense of my feelings. It is good that you have a therapist to help you.

Your emotional pain is telling you something, and you can take the time to listen to it. You may not know what that is, but therapy and taking care of your needs can help you get in touch with yourself.