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Author Topic: My ex broke up with and I believe he has BPD  (Read 366 times)
Helpmeplease32

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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
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« on: February 22, 2015, 08:43:00 PM »

He is very emotional and vindictive at times. He is hard to communicate with as he takes everything as an insult. He says he loves me like no one else. But I'm afraid to talk to him about some issues as he becomes irrational. He screams at me and then makes demands on me that he doesn't fulfill for himself. I have to show my phone but he won't show his. Then whenever he gets busted he shuts down and creates more chaos as to divert attention from the original problem. He left me this week. Over something he did.  He ignores me for the most part.  He said he needed time to formulate his thoughts but then told me he is done. We have been thru this before. He is dramatic. He only does this because he doesn't want to be wrong or feel guilty. Help me understand him. I love him and I really want to be with him.  I want him back so we can work with it.

Does he, in your opinion, display BpD traits?

What should I do if he said he needs time to formulate his thoughts and he will reach out to me?
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Cat Familiar
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« Reply #1 on: February 22, 2015, 09:36:51 PM »

 Welcome

I'm glad that you have found us. It's so frustrating to deal with a highly emotional and irrational partner. We've been there and can understand what you're going through. Please take a look at the lessons on the right side of the page. They can help you make sense of your relationship and learn how to be less impacted by the anger and unpredictable behavior. Please keep posting and tell us more about your story.   
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“The Four Agreements  1. Be impeccable with your word.  2. Don’t take anything personally.  3. Don’t make assumptions.  4. Always do your best. ”     ― Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom
EaglesJuju
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« Reply #2 on: February 22, 2015, 10:10:37 PM »

Hi Helpmeplease32, 

I would like to join Cat Familiar and welcome you.  I am sorry that you are going through this.     I understand how frustrating and confusing it is to cope with dramatic and erratic behaviors. There are many of us here who are going through similar situations.

The behaviors that you describe are similar to many BPD traits.  People with BPD (pwBPD) have a very hard time regulating their emotions/moods. A pwBPD also has high negative affectivity (propensity for low self-esteem/self-loathing and negative emotions, such as anger, shame, resentment, and sadness).  When pwBPD have heightened emotional dysregulation, they are highly sensitive to emotions and have an intense response to emotional stimuli.  As a result, a pwBPD cannot cope with  intense emotions and engage in maladaptive coping mechanisms such as, avoidance, withdraw, dissociation, impulsive behaviors, and projection.  Here is some additional material on the symptoms of BPD. 

Article 2: The Symptoms and Diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder

Learning about BPD has really helped me understand why my bf behaves in a certain way. Before I learned about BPD, I had no idea how to communicate or cope with his behavior. Similar to you, my bf is overly sensitive to anything that would be considered "insulting."  With the help from the tools on this site, I am able now to communicate more effectively with him. 

My bf has told me that he needed space quite a few times. During the times he wanted "space," my bf tended to be severely dysregulating or triggered.  He needed a little bit of time to work through all of his feelings/emotions, since they were overwhelming for him. It was hard but, I gave him the space that he needed.  Concurrently, I took the time to focus on myself and heal.

You mentioned that you have been through a situation like this before. What happened last time?





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"In order to take control of our lives and accomplish something of lasting value, sooner or later we need to Believe. We simply need to believe in the power that is within us, and use it." -Benjamin Hoff
Helpmeplease32

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« Reply #3 on: February 23, 2015, 06:15:05 AM »

Just shortly over a month ago my partner was very emotional.  He didn't trust me and I granted this is something he said he couldn't do to my ex being a part of my life.  I was completely honest in that, Im not with my ex. He refused to believe it.  So we talk about trust and no secrets. He goes on this rant for nearly two hours blaming me and others (even my little sister) and expected us to apologize to him.  But anywho, we talk about trust and secrets. So my iPhone broke that night and he had my two other iPhones one was operational the other was not. I ask for the broken one so I could use it for Internet purposes. He prolonged giving it to me and made up an excuse saying he needed to get his contacts out of it. Again I didn't want to use his contacts in the phone and he twisted it into me probably trying to contact them when I would not.

The next morning I ask for the phone so I could head off to work. He stalls and says he can't remember the password. I knew something was up because of the he was reacting. He started to pick a fight with me so that I would just say I didn't want the phone.  I didn't though, I insisted that I needed it so he wrote down whatever passwords it could've have been. So I finally get the phone unlocked at work and connect it to the wifi and his email was synced to the phone. So I went thru it. I found out that he had a secret phone account.  He had just made me feel awful just the other day about not having a way to contact his ill mom and grandma.  So, once I found out I called his secret phone until he picked up. He answered and he didn't say much of anything. I, however, said this is a major breach of trust after the convos we had. He hangs up. I left it alone due to being at work. Within 15mins he calls my job and talks to my supervisor and spins these tall tales that lead to my boss not trusting me and me getting terminated. All over him being caught with manipulating me and making double standards.

I came home early from work to talk to him but he had packed his clothes up and left me. I was shocked! I begged and pleaded for him to talk to me but he refused.  He even went so far as to pretend (so I believe) to call 911 and make up another lie (for me to stop talking about the situation) saying I wAs trying to kill him and send help now.  I wAs in shock that he would turn this whole situation on me and make me look like the bad person.  Long story short he ignored me for a day then he came back and he asked if I was going to miss having sex with him. Out of all the damaged he had called that was his only thinking. I was again shocked that he completely ignored what he had done.  He made me feel bad by not wanting to have sex with him.  So he holds me tight that night and then leaves later that morning.

He then doesn't contact me again for 24hrs. I begged for him to come home, he didn't.  He later comes back after my pleading but I was at the store. He didn't believe me and so he took it upon himself to come to the store I was at. He told he thought I was maybe lying. I wasn't. He then was on his phone talking to an old friend in Florida (more to come about him later In another post). So I was begging him and being nice rewarding him) for his immatute, rash behavior.   He got me fired over a secret phone he was hiding... I couldn't believe he would stoop that low and hurt somewhat who he said was his everything. He said he idolized me and loved me unconditionally. I was confused nevertheless, I wanted him and excused his unsavory actions.  So he spends the night, the next norning those two phones that I gave him were going off due to being synced with same Apple id. He made it a point to pick a fight. He said your phone is going off and I explained to him I didn't care as it wAs emails. He made it a point to keep rehashing it. ThAt lead to another argument and him belittling me and making me feel awful again.

This time he left me and gave me the silent treatment for 5 days.  I begged, cried, apologized... He finally came back around late that week.   He then told me he made the decision to move away. I was like how on earth did u come to that decision and just drop it on me.  This goes back to his friend he was talking to whenever I was at the store.  I felt that this friend may be his next victim as he stayed on the phone with him nearly all day at times. I felt that it was a kick in stomach to me for him to talk to another person blatantly in my face. He said he talked to him because he wanted me to see that they had nothing going on.  So I accept it.  He offered his phone up for me to see it and he ask to see mines so I complied.  We went on for two weeks with some hiccups here and there but we worked thru them.

Well this past week I felt that he wAs trying to punish me again by texting on his phone knowing it hurt me when he did that because of the double standards and lies he began to tell.  Rewind to valentines he bought a card that said no phones no Tvs etc on it. Yet, he uses his phone but I cant. He even lies when I asked him if he did. When I told him I know he had his phone he couldn't own it. He then said, if I did have it wAs by mistake. He said it was an empty cigarette box in his pocket; just another lie to wiggle himself out of it. I felt that he knew he was hurting me so he gave me his phone to look in it. I refused I didn't want to start a fight.  

Well back to this past Tuesday he gets all raged out over me calling to see what hours the bank was open since we were low on cash and in another town. I called a credit union. I didn't have his account info or anything. I asked a general question to the customer service rep over the phone about their hours and once I got off the phone he got so angry. He told me don't ever call nothing especially the bank on my behalf.  You think I can't do it myself? You must think I'm going to lie about having money or lie about them saying they were closed... .I was like, what the heck are u talking about. I did this so we can figure out what to do etc... I didn't mention your name or anything.

Then he then starts to talk about my ex calling him. Well, my ex didn't call him. It was a wrong number. I said well call the number from my phone and let me ask to speak to my ex.  We did.  He held my phone the entire time we did that making sure I didn't see the number.  We called and a lady picked up I asked Her if I coukd speak to my ex (name not mentioned on here for privacy reasons) and she I don't know anyone by that name and she hung up. I felt vindicated.  I felt slighted so he goes another and starts to email my ex asking if he did call him. Again, he is somehow making himself believe things when it isn't true. I felt like he wAs sabotaging our relationship.  

So the breaking point came a couple hours later... I was texting some friends and he kept inquiring about who and what I was texting.  He even thought that I was talking about him to my friends. I told him he could go thru my phone and even text them if he liked.   So I later ask to see his phone and he tells me no.  I grab his phone (bad knee jerk reaction due to the fear of being hurt)  and he holds it tight and keeps yelling telling me no I can't see it.  Then he says he is scared of me so he starts to pack his things and proceeds to leave. I begged and pleaded apoligiZed he gave me nothing. He then goes to the lobby of the hotel and behind to ffwd 30+ emails to my ex. My new phone number, hotel info etc... To somehow vindicate his actions (he thought I wAs with my ex or secretly talking to him).  He then goes on to threaten me with the police if I didn't leave him alone then says he is leaving me.

I'm torn and hurt again because I'm trying to rationalize with him and try to talk things over and he doesn't budge. I get the silent treatment.   He leaves me in the hotel and I sit there begging apologizing for me asking to see his phone. He turned everything against me and started more drama to deflect from his behavior.  

So over the next day's he ignored my texts but didn't ignore my ex as I reached out to him to talk to him and confirm that we were in fact not together or have been talking.  My ex called him and explained everything but my bf ex whatever took the time to bash me and call me all types of names to make himself look good.  He said he was a good person And I was a bad person and he deserves someone better.  

Meanwhile I text him begging him to talk to me to fix this.  He replied finally one day saying he would send me and email he needed time to formulate his thoughts. I didn't want an email u wanted to talk to him. So he didn't email me.  So I text him the next day.  He then replies I told you I'll contact you when im ready stop trying to control how i deAl with this and then he goes on to say I'm leaving for Florida romorrow. It hurt me even more that we were supposed to nice together Nd now he abandones me in the midst of all of this chaos he created. I have no job, no money, no home nothjng. As this was a trickle down effect of me losing my job because of his actions .

I got upset and texted him back saying don't leave me like this. If you loved me at all you would fix it .  He acted as if he didn't care. He said he doesn't have a heart anymore.  I've been heart broken for days now. I'm not sure if he really gone or not.  He won't reply to my emails or text at all.  I'm broken and im confused and left to wonder are we really over.  It sucks not knowing.  

So yesterday I reached out but that was my last time.  Idk if I will hear from him. He went from loving me to hating me in days.  I'm trying to understand this. I wouldn't give anyone the silent treatment. It's just plain ol mean. Help me please! What is doing? What should i do please help. I love him

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EaglesJuju
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« Reply #4 on: February 23, 2015, 07:24:02 AM »

I am sorry that you are going through all this. I understand how hurtful the silent treatment can be.    I have endured bouts of the silent treatment from my pwBPD.

The silent treatment is a form of emotional abuse, used to maintain control over another person by not communicating and behaving in an indifferent manner.  It is very tough to be on the receiving end of the silent treatment.       Here is a workshop that will help explain the silent treatment in further detail. 

BPD BEHAVIORS: Silent treatment - verbal abuse.

I had a very hard time with the silent treatment myself.  I would get so much anxiety worrying if my bf was going to call, if he was mad, or if he still loved me etc. In the past, I would call and beg him to talk to me. It usually did not end up well chasing him constantly.  After learning about why my bf acted this way, I started looking at the silent treatment differently.  I began to understand why he does it.  My bf tends to do it for two reasons: he cannot deal with his emotions at the moment and needs a "break" or he is trying to stop himself from lashing out at me.  I almost began to like the silence of the silent treatment. It gave me time to focus on myself, which is something that many of us non-BPD partners tend to do. When I am enduring the silent treatment, my support system of family, friends, and my therapist really help.  Do you have a support system?

Although we cannot change our partner's behavior, we can change our own behavior.  Thinking back on how you reacted to your bf's behavior in the past, what could you do differently this time? 
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"In order to take control of our lives and accomplish something of lasting value, sooner or later we need to Believe. We simply need to believe in the power that is within us, and use it." -Benjamin Hoff
Helpmeplease32

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What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 4


« Reply #5 on: February 23, 2015, 08:32:11 AM »

I am sorry that you are going through all this. I understand how hurtful the silent treatment can be.    I have endured bouts of the silent treatment from my pwBPD.

The silent treatment is a form of emotional abuse, used to maintain control over another person by not communicating and behaving in an indifferent manner.  It is very tough to be on the receiving end of the silent treatment.       Here is a workshop that will help explain the silent treatment in further detail. 

BPD BEHAVIORS: Silent treatment - verbal abuse.

I had a very hard time with the silent treatment myself.  I would get so much anxiety worrying if my bf was going to call, if he was mad, or if he still loved me etc. In the past, I would call and beg him to talk to me. It usually did not end up well chasing him constantly.  After learning about why my bf acted this way, I started looking at the silent treatment differently.  I began to understand why he does it.  My bf tends to do it for two reasons: he cannot deal with his emotions at the moment and needs a "break" or he is trying to stop himself from lashing out at me.  I almost began to like the silence of the silent treatment. It gave me time to focus on myself, which is something that many of us non-BPD partners tend to do. When I am enduring the silent treatment, my support system of family, friends, and my therapist really help.  Do you have a support system?

Although we cannot change our partner's behavior, we can change our own behavior.  Thinking back on how you reacted to your bf's behavior in the past, what could you do differently this time? 

I would do things a lot different. But right now im worried if he really meant this time we were over.  He told me that he was going to marry me and be by my side thru all of this. I Feel so Abandoned right now.  Why does he act like he doesn't care about it.  I know I should be more concerned about myself but I just think of him.

IF I could've did things differently I would've reacted more cAlmly to the situation.  We didn't communicate well due to him being so irrational at times. I told him numerous times that I didn't voice my opinion because I feared a lash out or him getting his feelings hurt.  I'm going to give him his space now. But I'm afraid since he has moved away he may have left me and our relationship behind. 

I'm trying to understand everything.  I want him to get better so that we can talk.  But I just think its really done.  His actions speaks volumes and j really think he doesn't cAre.  How long can this silent treatment go on? Does he even think about me?
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EaglesJuju
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« Reply #6 on: February 23, 2015, 09:12:35 AM »

I would do things a lot different. But right now im worried if he really meant this time we were over.  He told me that he was going to marry me and be by my side thru all of this. I Feel so Abandoned right now.  Why does he act like he doesn't care about it.  I know I should be more concerned about myself but I just think of him.

I understand how you can feel abandoned and be concerned with your partner's behavior.  I have felt like this too, it is a normal reaction. After an abrupt turn of events, the reactions of fear, guilt, and obligation (FOG) are common.   

I know it is hard, but try to focus on yourself.  Constantly worrying about your bf's behavior will only exacerbate your own feelings. Try to focus on things that you like to do. When I was feeling like this, I went to the gym, took a relaxing bath, or  watched funny movies to help me cope with feelings of fear and anxiety. What are some things that you do to help you relax?

His indifference may be a coping mechanism that he uses.  Learning about the behavior really helps with healing.  You will find that the origin of his behaviors have truly nothing to do with you. The maladaptive behaviors are result of the disorder.   

IF I could've did things differently I would've reacted more cAlmly to the situation.  We didn't communicate well due to him being so irrational at times. I told him numerous times that I didn't voice my opinion because I feared a lash out or him getting his feelings hurt.  I'm going to give him his space now. But I'm afraid since he has moved away he may have left me and our relationship behind. 

Without knowledge of BPD, communication can be very difficult.  Most of us have "walked on eggshells" in our relationships.  Have you given your partner space before?

I'm trying to understand everything.  I want him to get better so that we can talk.  But I just think its really done.  His actions speaks volumes and really think he doesn't cAre.  How long can this silent treatment go on? Does he even think about me?

Have you had a chance to read the literature about BPD and the accompanying behaviors? 

Unfortunately, the road to getting better for a pwBPD is a long one, which starts with them being aware that their behavior is problematic.  I found that when a pwBPD is dysregulating, the best thing to do is not to have discussions about feelings/emotions.  Discussing heavy duty feelings can be very overwhelming for a pwBPD when they cannot control their emotions/feelings. 

The length of the silent treatment depends on the pwBPD.  From my experience, it lasted about two weeks.  Others have had the silent treatment last for months or longer. 

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"In order to take control of our lives and accomplish something of lasting value, sooner or later we need to Believe. We simply need to believe in the power that is within us, and use it." -Benjamin Hoff
Helpmeplease32

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What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 4


« Reply #7 on: February 23, 2015, 09:34:10 AM »

I would do things a lot different. But right now im worried if he really meant this time we were over.  He told me that he was going to marry me and be by my side thru all of this. I Feel so Abandoned right now.  Why does he act like he doesn't care about it.  I know I should be more concerned about myself but I just think of him.

I understand how you can feel abandoned and be concerned with your partner's behavior.  I have felt like this too, it is a normal reaction. After an abrupt turn of events, the reactions of fear, guilt, and obligation (FOG) are common.   

I know it is hard, but try to focus on yourself.  Constantly worrying about your bf's behavior will only exacerbate your own feelings. Try to focus on things that you like to do. When I was feeling like this, I went to the gym, took a relaxing bath, or  watched funny movies to help me cope with feelings of fear and anxiety. What are some things that you do to help you relax?

His indifference may be a coping mechanism that he uses.  Learning about the behavior really helps with healing.  You will find that the origin of his behaviors have truly nothing to do with you. The maladaptive behaviors are result of the disorder.   

IF I could've did things differently I would've reacted more cAlmly to the situation.  We didn't communicate well due to him being so irrational at times. I told him numerous times that I didn't voice my opinion because I feared a lash out or him getting his feelings hurt.  I'm going to give him his space now. But I'm afraid since he has moved away he may have left me and our relationship behind. 

Without knowledge of BPD, communication can be very difficult.  Most of us have "walked on eggshells" in our relationships.  Have you given your partner space before?

I'm trying to understand everything.  I want him to get better so that we can talk.  But I just think its really done.  His actions speaks volumes and really think he doesn't cAre.  How long can this silent treatment go on? Does he even think about me?

Have you had a chance to read the literature about BPD and the accompanying behaviors? 

Unfortunately, the road to getting better for a pwBPD is a long one, which starts with them being aware that their behavior is problematic.  I found that when a pwBPD is dysregulating, the best thing to do is not to have discussions about feelings/emotions.  Discussing heavy duty feelings can be very overwhelming for a pwBPD when they cannot control their emotions/feelings. 

The length of the silent treatment depends on the pwBPD.  From my experience, it lasted about two weeks.  Others have had the silent treatment last for months or longer. 

Right now it's hard for me to do anything fun. I am homeless.  I had a career but he got so angry that he sabatoged it.  I was happy doing that.  That one action he did turned my life upside down.  All I do is worry. My mom recently had a stroke and i don't want to be a burden on them.  He was my happiness.  I forgave him for his actions and he assured me he would be by myside thru all of this. Now I'm alone hurting. Worrying. No steady income. No place to call home and little support.

I just would like a job that I worked all day and I was happy at so I could have something to divert my attention away from him.   

When we broke up last year I gave him space. But again he was so hateful towards me.  He was hot and cold then finally went all cold on me. But after awhile of NC he said he would check his email daily hoping to have a msg from me but in all my attempts he would rarely reply. He finally did after about 35 days of no communicating. We then took things slow and fell back into love.

This time we have had arguments and he would shut me out for hours or a couple of days. Just last month when I lost my job he shut me out for a week. I needed him though because I was on the brink of being homeles he came back.  I didn't really give him space I contacted him daily and he finally gave in.  We got back together and he called me his bf again.

I've def been reading the literature and heeding it. The only problem is how can I get us help with this BpD condition he is aware he has a problem as he was diagnosed with it after our breakup last year. I'm willing to do whatever to get counselling if I have to go take out loans for it im committed. Maybe the VA can help with is.

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