Is it ever ok to warn people off the BPD?

[bravhart1]

Is it ever ok to let people know they are dealing with a person with issues?

For example: the other moms at SD6's school have a VERY limited amount of time with her bio mom but they ( two or three) still seem to have gotten sucked into the vortex of drama.

Two of them have gone so far as to write letters for her to the court attesting to her wonderful parenting skills ... .how they feel qualified to say such a thing in knowing her for such a short time I don't know. One of them has gone so far as to help her fabricate a lie against me,  I still can't figure out how that got justified.

Would it ever be ok for me to point out to them that they may want to take a broad picture look at what they are stepping into? That if the court has determined that what's in the best interest for SD6 is to be in our care 90% of the time then maybe they should not blindly endorse a person they barely know. And if nothing's wrong, then why would she ask you to LIE for her?

How do they get people to just believe such nonsense? Would it ever be ok to point it out to them or is that useless, or mean spirited?

[enlighten me]

Its very easy to get someone to lie for you. All you have to do is find a white knight. Give them a sob story and appeal to their sense of injustice.

If you ex has painted a picture of you as an abuser who gets away with everything then someone will buy it and want to seek justice for your ex even if it means lying.

As for outing your ex to them I would be very careful. They may see it as you are confirming everthing your ex has said about you.

If you dont have firm evidence of her behaviour then at most I might speak to the person that has lied for her and tell them that they should be careful what they believe as there are two sides to everything and without knowing the facts then how can they be sure they have been told the truth. Also I would remind them that bearing false witness is a crime and if it goes to court and is disproved then she could face charges. Say that you are telling her this not to try and frighten her but to protect her from making a potentially dangerous mistake that could have damaging repercussions for her.

It may be a better idea to have someone else say this to her if you have a mutual friend that you could approach and voice your concern that their friend is lying for your ex and you dont want her to be dragged down by your ex. If her statement can be disproved then let them know it can be disproved.

[ogopogodude]

I warn people of my ex's BPD all the time.  Her behaviour is at times very normal but this is now the exception. When their is a parent teacher interview or meeting with the vice principal or something like that, I always, well before hand, warn those people that are to meet with her that she may act very bizarre or that there is a chance the meeting will go normal.  I briefly explain what BPD is, making sure not to go into too much detail as it is far too exhausting as well as unnecessary (to make things easier I simply say it is like bipolar issue and people then "get it".

[Nope]

We had something like that happen when DH went for custody. The kid's BPD mom took SD11 to a counselor for two meetings in which the BPD mom was there the whole time for both. This counselor then wrote in the record the SD11 did not need counseling and that should a question of custody come up it would be best for SD11 to stay with her mom. All this before ever even returning DH's phone calls to hear what his concerns for his daughter might be.

The hard thing about dealing with the uninitiated is that people have an idea in their head of what "crazy" looks like. Most people think they could quickly spot a person who is mentally ill pretty quickly. It' feels safer and easier to believe that all mental illness is plain and unhidden. But BPD effects relationships and not necessarily interactions with the general outside world. So if you try to warn someone out in the world they will likely think, "That can't be true. I had a perfectly normal conversation with that person yesterday." Then just try telling that person that the BPD is a secret kind of disordered that only those close to them can see, and see who they think the crazy one is.

For those of us who are dealing with someone undiagnosed there isn't much we are qualified to say. For those who have a diagnosis, spreading around someone elses personal mental health information can come back to bite you. I would say the only thing you can warn someone about is provable behaviors.

Does your court order or finding go into the nasty details? Ours does for several pages. I've found that since all involved professionals need to know what the rules are, handing out copies of the order like concert fliers has kept the BPD drama to a minimum.

[livednlearned]

I know it's not the recommended thing to do, but I have warned people of N/BPDx. I warned the school. I warned my SO. I warned the dean and associate dean, who is almost my advisor, at school (N/BPDx works with my school). I warned campus police where I work. I have been more cautious when it comes to third-parties that could be involved in court battles. But I also had documents to back things up with, and it was more about me stating the facts than trying to persuade third-party professionals.

The court of public opinion is not much better than family law court, except public opinion lacks at least a modicum of structure for you to defend yourself.

It sounds like it bothers you a lot that these people have taken a position. They are easily persuaded, and do not have very good judgment about the pros/cons of getting involved in legal drama. As you point out, they have not known biomom for a long time, do you think that would carry any weight in court? Often on Family Law FD writes about his lawyer (I think?) saying that he cannot cross-examine a piece of paper.  

I think if someone is doing something to harm you, it's reasonable to address it. The problem is whether or not you are in a good place emotionally. If you come across as defending yourself, people will be less likely to believe you. If you come across as genuinely and authentically worried about the kids, there is a window of opportunity to make your case.

I found it hard to get out of a defensive mindset. That was the hardest thing, and still is. But it's essential for me to do that if I want my views on S13 to carry any water.

[Rubies]

Judges are used to seeing these stacked decks of scribbles attesting they've known this person for 1 week and find they are a perfect parent and the "Other" is a horrible person and parent.

Judges don't read them and neither should you.

As far as the people getting sucked into the BPDs drama, stay away from them.  They either like drama or they will figure it out for themselves.  BPDs are quite convincing, after all, we fell for them.   Our DD15 told her BPDdad's future wife what he was like 3 times.  The silly woman told the man's own daughter it wasn't true.  She married him anyway.  Whatever, not my problem, but DD hated watching it again.

All we can do is live our lives the best we can above reproach and let truth prove BPD lies.  When people let BPD drama influence their choices in life, they have consequences too.  I paid my BPD dues in full, I don't owe anyone anything.  No Fear Obligation or Guilt over it either.

[highroadstepmom]

My DH's uBPDx went on a terrific smear campaign after she left (with two little boys in tow). The courts and police were immediately on to the fact that her allegations were false and DH got 50% custody (she is high functioning with everyone BUT DH).

As a topper, they both (still) work at the same company. DH spent about two years getting the stink eye (at best) and even getting screamed at (at worst) by mutual friends who had been persuaded by the uBPDx's false allegations about how terrible and dangerous DH is. UBPDx is smart and highly verbal.

When we started dating, because I'm in public relations, I told him "if you don't tell your story, no one else will. Your colleagues and friends will only know her version." So, to his closer friends and colleagues he shared his story of the crazyness that rained down on him when and since she left, as diplomatically as possible, "this is what she has done and said and it is all false. The courts have also found it all false." Just the facts. We don't amp up the drama and he's not mean about his ex to their mutual colleagues. (alas, the ex does not follow this etiquette).

Over the course of two years, people in our community and at his work have backed off supporting the drama queen allegations because they see DH be decent, be civil and be factual about the scenes and events that she caused in their early breakup. To the world at large, painting my DH black when he's clearly a nice, easy-going guy, great father and partner looks weird after a while. It looks mean and untrue.

Over time uBPDx has also shown glimpses of her disorder (screaming at someone else's child at a soccer match (a little kids' soccer match)), snubbing colleagues in the hall who are 'known friends of DH'. It's really middle school stuff for those of us who don't have this disorder. But, over time, people see the actions of both. And while they may not know the nitty gritty and they may not want to take sides, they can see that the negativity the uBPDx spews seems quite off-target.

I guess what I'm saying is you don't have to bash the ex but there's no reason to not be truthful about your side of the experience.

[Panda39]

My ex-husband, my son & all my co-workers including my boss know about my SO's uBPDex's issues... .for my protection I wanted the people in my life to have a heads up.