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Author Topic: What to do when Family is Judging, and Pushing you to leave?  (Read 378 times)
Shottsy85

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« on: February 23, 2015, 02:00:52 PM »

I posted recently about the situation with my BPbf. Long story short that was in another post was that he sexted a friend of his behind my back, and also tried to come on to my best friend multiple times who was supposed to be moving in with us. She told him no multiple times and that she was my best friend. Eventually she decided not to move in with us two weeks before our move date. My bf when confronted agreed that what he did was wrong, at first not even being able to accept that he did it and claiming not to remember. Then he did remember but couldn't remember really why. He has been going around and around and mainly wanting to focus on the "betrayal" of my best friend not moving in with us instead of taking responsibility.

Anyways, he had an intake appointment with a DBT clinic and we are playing the waiting game. Meanwhile when this all went down I made the mistake of crying to my mom and wanting to at least just talk to her I even told her I didn't want her judgements, she knows my bf has BPD and has in the past been understanding and supportive even though she has never read much about it, or done an research. I wanted her to keep it private as I was and am still figuring out what I want to do. Her and I got into a huge fight, she was freaking out about it, (which I am too and upset) but basically she went and blabbed to my siblings and step dad and who knows who else who are all now avoiding us and think I should leave, and basically making me feel very torn and isolated.

I am not excusing what he did, I think it is inexcusable but he and I have been talking until we are blue in the face, and trying to figure things out and he still loves me and wants to be with me, and honestly if there is any hope to come back from this and move forward I want to as well. However now he has not only attempted to sabotage my friendship/ business relationship with my friend, but I don't know what to do if I DO decide to stay with him there is now all the crap from my family. It is MY decision to make, and I know that, but the drama and judgement is making things so hard. He really screwed up and he knows that and I know that. I set the boundary clearly that this is a monogamous relationship and that includes emotional and via text or phone or whatever that to me that is considered cheating. (He would agree that what he did was really bad, but then when I would say he cheated, he would deny that he cheated... Like physically doing something with someone is what he thinks is officially cheating even though he admits that what he did was wrong? ) I don't know... .BPD logic... .anyways, now I am in this big feud with my mom and my brother is or was his best friend and isn't talking to him either and telling me not to be stupid. I know that maybe being with him isn't the BEST decision based on what he has recently done, but I have been with him 8 years and things HAVE improved and we have been through a lot. This is a pretty big breach of trust, but I don't feel ready to leave yet, and all the crap from family is making it harder to be clear on what I want to do.

Has anyone else had a situation similar? I feel so isolated and torn, and like I don't even have my family anymore unless I do what THEY want and leave him. We are supposed to be moving in to a new place together in a week, which also big life changes have been triggers for him in the past. I am planning on going forward with the move as our move date is one week from today and I already put down the deposit. We just have to find a new roommate now preferably a male so I don't have to worry about boundary crossing while he gets treatment.
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formflier
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« Reply #1 on: February 23, 2015, 02:06:16 PM »

 

Thank your family for their concern... .drop the subject with them.

Note:  It will be hard to talk to them about him... .and have them with hold judgement or advice.

This may mean that you don't speak much about him and his BPD to your family.

Thoughts?
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ColdEthyl
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Relationship status: Married 2 years
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« Reply #2 on: February 23, 2015, 02:33:59 PM »

Hello Shottsy85!

It's hard when we feel like we are alone in this. I have found it best not to discuss my H and his mental illness with my family. They want to protect you, and they see you hurting. This isn't a thing people can always understand, or radically accept.

Do you have any other outlets you can discuss your pwBPD and r/s with? I am going to be going into counseling soon for my outlet.
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MaroonLiquid
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« Reply #3 on: February 23, 2015, 02:48:53 PM »

I'm here with my family as well.  It is a nightmare at times, because everyone "knows better than me".  I'm in the place where talking about it with them is no longer going to be an option.  They think I should file for divorce because that will "show her that I mean business and she'll straighten up".     I won't do it to get a certain reaction, I would do it with the full intent of following through.  If she had a change of heart, we would deal with that, otherwise that is just manipulation.  My mom's the worst.  I think she is NPD/BPD, has been married four times and is currently seeing emotionally unavailable (married) men from other countries who buy her things.  Not someone I am willing to take relationship advice from... .
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Notwendy
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« Reply #4 on: February 23, 2015, 06:31:13 PM »

As a mother, I hope you can forgive yours. It's OK that you cried to her- for emotional support, but also it is OK for her mama bear instincts to kick in when she saw her child in pain. I hope you can let this go after things calm down and still feel you are close to her. She reacted like a mom who cares about you would react.

As to accepting advice- I think we consider the source. Maroon Liquid's mom might not be the best person to consider advivce from. A caring person who has had a happy marriage might have advice to consider. Some of us here did not have the best role models for relationships. However, if our parents have been loving and supportive, one has to consider that they react this way because they care.

This doesn't mean you can't make your own choices, and most of the time, people do regardless of what the parents or family think. It's sad if a family is split because of this. I think it is worth making the effort to be understanding- both ways.




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Shottsy85

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« Reply #5 on: February 23, 2015, 07:30:07 PM »

Thank you. I agree and it hurts because I love my mom and my family so much and for the most part they have been very loving and accepting towards my bf who I have been with 8 years, but they think this should be it. I always thought if he ever did something like that It would be just case and point over. ESPECIALLY him doing something so awful towards someone so close to me. However, I am hoping to work through things and hoping that with counseling he might be better. I just dont feel ready to leave. I'm close, but I love him so much, and even tonight things have been nice and calm and just us, and I don't feel ready, but I feel more and more alone by staying.
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flowerpath
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« Reply #6 on: February 23, 2015, 10:27:34 PM »

Hi, Shottsy.   It was a very long time ago that my parents found out what was going on between my husband and me, and all you-know-what hit the fan.  They gave my H a piece of their minds.  (Actually, I was thankful for that.)  They wanted me to leave.  They would have helped me to leave in any way they could have, but I wanted them to support my decision to find a way to make things work. 

I had become numb to what was really happening in our home.  I had lived with it for so long that even though I knew it was wrong, it had become “normal” to me.  But my parents could see what was happening far more clearly than I could.  My siblings could see it for what it was too.  I wanted to leave and I wanted to stay.  It was hard for them to understand why I would want to stay.  I totally understand that now because I would not want my children to live with an abusive spouse. 

There was a lot of tension between my parents and me, and there were some hurtful things said.  It was awful because I had always had a really good relationship with them.   They finally accepted my decision to work things out, but it took some time for the relationship between us (especially my mother and me) to heal. 

For the next 20 years, I did not discuss anything about my H’s behavior with my family unless it was something that was truthfully positive.  Though they suspected some things, I was giving them the illusion that things were fine.  I think that made it easier for my H to be abusive. 

Last year it was an either stay or leave situation once again.  But this time, things are different.  I can actually talk with my family about it now that they know that I have a good grasp on what has gone on all of these years,  that I clearly see what kind of behavior I am dealing with now, that I am protecting myself from it, and they support me. 

It’s good that you have a counselor and BPD Family. It’s good that you have a way to see clearly what is happening in your life, and people who can ask you questions and give you advice that will help you to think through, and decide, and do what is healthy for you.     

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Shottsy85

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« Reply #7 on: February 24, 2015, 02:21:54 PM »

Hi, Shottsy.   It was a very long time ago that my parents found out what was going on between my husband and me, and all you-know-what hit the fan.  They gave my H a piece of their minds.  (Actually, I was thankful for that.)  They wanted me to leave.  They would have helped me to leave in any way they could have, but I wanted them to support my decision to find a way to make things work. 

I had become numb to what was really happening in our home.  I had lived with it for so long that even though I knew it was wrong, it had become “normal” to me.  But my parents could see what was happening far more clearly than I could.  My siblings could see it for what it was too.  I wanted to leave and I wanted to stay.  It was hard for them to understand why I would want to stay.  I totally understand that now because I would not want my children to live with an abusive spouse. 

There was a lot of tension between my parents and me, and there were some hurtful things said.  It was awful because I had always had a really good relationship with them.   They finally accepted my decision to work things out, but it took some time for the relationship between us (especially my mother and me) to heal. 

For the next 20 years, I did not discuss anything about my H’s behavior with my family unless it was something that was truthfully positive.  Though they suspected some things, I was giving them the illusion that things were fine.  I think that made it easier for my H to be abusive. 

Last year it was an either stay or leave situation once again.  But this time, things are different.  I can actually talk with my family about it now that they know that I have a good grasp on what has gone on all of these years,  that I clearly see what kind of behavior I am dealing with now, that I am protecting myself from it, and they support me. 

It’s good that you have a counselor and BPD Family. It’s good that you have a way to see clearly what is happening in your life, and people who can ask you questions and give you advice that will help you to think through, and decide, and do what is healthy for you.     

My BPbf right now is now saying that he doesn't want to come between me and my family, and he understand why they feel the way they feel. I am still holding on so tight, and I know our relationship isn't healthy and he REALLY screwed up but I still love him so much... He says he DOES want to work through things and wants me but he doesn't think it's fair to me and he is worried he will F*** up again. He says this is his second F***-up and admits that when we got back together after our first breakup that he had committed to doing these things and getting help then and now we are back to where we started. He said he is afraid he will just do it again and it isn't fair to me. He is hopefully going to be starting DBT and we are also in the process of moving... I just don't want to let him go, but so many signs are pointing to that I should end it. I just really don't feel ready, and he is my best friend and I am his. There are so many wonderful things about him but he has two personalities... I just feel so alone, torn and sad. I know only I can make the decision unless he makes it for me... but I just don't know what to do. I don't want to lose him, and I know if we break up I have to never see him or speak to him again because we just can't handle it. I went down that road before and we are so addicted to each other and so in love that we can't let each other move on, or have good boundaries and we just tear each other apart, so it is either we stay in it and work through it or we have to part ways. This just breaks my heart...
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formflier
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« Reply #8 on: February 24, 2015, 02:47:01 PM »

 

Shottsy85,

If he has never done dbt... .and says he is now.  I would focus on his actions... .more than his words. 

He will mess up again.  The big question is will you handle it better... and will he.

Guess what... .you will mess up again too... .and hopefully same applies... .that you will both recover quicker.

Tell me a bit about the DBT schedule... .the plan to get him better... .
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Shottsy85

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Posts: 46


« Reply #9 on: February 24, 2015, 03:12:28 PM »

Shottsy85,

If he has never done dbt... .and says he is now.  I would focus on his actions... .more than his words. 

He will mess up again.  The big question is will you handle it better... and will he.

Guess what... .you will mess up again too... .and hopefully same applies... .that you will both recover quicker.

Tell me a bit about the DBT schedule... .the plan to get him better... .

I honestly don't know at all... All he had was an intake meeting and now we are playing the waiting game. The woman said that if they can get him in it won't be until mid march. Messing up is fine, but cheating on me is not... I can deal with almost all of his borderline tendencies for the most part except for that. We spoke this morning, and now I am not even sure where things are at and I can feel my anxiety rising. He is supposed to get off work at 3:30 and it takes him about a half hour to get home and its past four and I tried texting him and he hasn't responded, so now I am feeling stressed because I don't even know where things are at with us. I'm just feeling so sad and emotional. I still don't feel ready to leave.
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