I am new to this board, but have been on the staying board for 8 months. Here is my latest thread... .
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=271970.0I will make a long story short here. If you want more background, you can go read my other threads on Staying board... .My wife (of 5 years) and I are separated and have been for 8 months. The separation happened when my wife had a huge dysregulation when she hit me and I pushed her off of me, painted me black to everyone she knew including her family. She rented another house behind my back, kicked me out when I found out, moved out and I got my own apartment shortly after that. :)uring the separation, we have continued seeing each other. The first 4-5 months of the separation were very difficult with being accused of having an affair, and only saw her and the kids like twice. The last few months, things have gotten "better" in the sense that she is nowhere near as volatile, and we do get along better most of the time when she isn't giving me the silent treatment. When not in the silent treatment or avoidance phase, she tells me she loves me/shows affection (in front of the kids), and are intimate. I have taken care of her after her surgery, being sick and staying at her house a couple of days each time to help around the house, cook meals, let her rest and get better. I have set better boundaries with her so that has helped. Before I go any further, I am still interested in the r/s working, so please keep that in mind... .
Now, the kids issue has been difficult. I'll give a little back story there as well. My ex-wife and I were good friends with my wife now and her ex for several years before both of our marriages ended. Our kids were very close and she would keep them and treat them as her own. She always told me how much she loved them and they her. Her children are DS17, DD16, and DD12, and mine are DD12, DD11 and DS6. Her kids have called me dad since we have been together because their dad has never been around, refuses to see them, doesn't contact them and owes almost $40,000 dollars in child support to her. She has given their dad the kids schedule throughout our marriage and he still won't show up. She has a great job so she is able to provide for them. I on the other hand, pay $1400 dollars in child support to my ex every month, never missed a payment, have a great relationship with mine, and have always loved her kids as I do my own. My wife and I talked about me adopting her children throughout our marriage and have always claimed them as mine, even them putting me as their father on facebook.
I know my wife loves my children, but I believe on some level, my wife has always been jealous of the fact that my kids are taken care of by me (emotionally and financially) and her kids were never supported by their father (even though they looked at me as their father). I did notice some things early on that I now understand as parental alienation. Everytime my wife would dysregulate (even before our wedding), she would make a big scene in front of the kids, tell the kids to "get their shoes, they were leaving", take the kids by herself, leave me at home while they go eat and then buy them stuff. She would do it whether we could afford it or not. She got worse with it during the marriage, even punishing my kids a couple of times. She told me a couple of times to get my kids and "go stay somewhere else" while throwing my kids luggage (it was my summer visitation) down the staircase in front of her mother (she was in town) and her mother did nothing. I couldn't imagine if I had done that to her kids.
Right after the separation, she removed herself from the iCloud shared family calendar (which had all the families activities on it) and blocked me on Facebook. She told the kids that I wouldn't help them move into their new house (which I didn't have to, but offered several times, even the morning of and she refused), told them I beat her, and God knows what else. She cut me out of our daughter's sweet 16 birthday cruise that was planned before the separation, saying our daughter thought it would be uncomfortable with me there. S Our oldest daughter has always been the closest to me, the first to call me dad, and wanted me to walk her down the aisle when she gets married. My wife has used Facebook to slander me/paint me black/further her lies indirectly over the last 8 months, even saying a few days ago how "being a single mother is SOO hard, but worth it." :)ue to that, she has forced me to miss 90% of the kids school activities this school year even though I told her I wanted to be involved. I have gone to the ones that she told me about (she was speaking to me ), and hated that I missed the others. The other day, I took my wife and daughter out for a nice dinner to celebrate her making region and she posted a picture to Facebook that said "I am celebrating with my daughter her great accomplishment making Region Choir!" and where we were eating. But since she has me blocked, obviously I wasn't tagged and it was like I wasn't there, yet I paid for it.
Currently, I have/continue to be the head coach for our three daughters in softball and our new season just started. She told me that she didn't want anyone to know that she is my wife, and our daughter wanted to "just be part of the team" even though my ex wife is there and my assistant coach and his wife know her and know differently. Just stupid. The other night after batting practice, we were walking to the car and I told our daughter that I loved her and my wife texted later and said that our daughter was "uncomfortable" with that. Honestly, I think that was my wife trying to further alienate me from her and continue the charade. I agreed a couple of weeks ago to stay with our daughter while she is out of town chaperoning a choir trip for the older two. Since my wife and I got separate cars in our own name (huge ordeal), she has been distant with me, I have taken a huge step back. She did threaten me with divorce last Friday after not speaking to her in a week (she refused a Valentine's Day card in front of our kids after practice the Friday before and decided to take a huge step back). Since that is not the first thousandth time she has done that, I take it with a grain of salt. She texted me yesterday and asked if I was still staying with our daughter while she goes on the chaperoning trip and I said yes as it will give me some one on one time with our daughter which I haven't had in a while. Told her I was excited about it. One other weird thing is that in 8months of separation, she has not been inside my apartment once.
Sorry this was so long, just trying to bring this board up to speed... .Thoughts on ways to handle this?
