I'll do my best to answer the questions:
Regarding meds... .she says that they make her stomach hurt... she has had a lot of issues with her stomach for years. As qcarolr says... .she holds tension in her gut. Whether or not meds are the cause or just a contributor to her stomach problems is not knowable. As she takes on school and work in the near future I'm sure the subject will come up about returning to her meds. We will take it as it comes and as usual, I will address it with validating questions and let go of the outcome.
Thanks for the update lbjnltx-
Your DD's story is among the successes here and I am wondering how large a percentage of her success do you attribute to
A) Early intervention
B) Residential Treatment (Falcon Ridge)
c) Changes you made in parenting and communication with her and your education about BPD
Early intervention 100%
RTC Falcon Ridge 100%
Changes I made in parenting and communication 100%
I truly do not believe she would be where she is today if the investment in each wasn't 100%.
Wondering, if you don't mind sharing, how your DD is coping with the loss of her Dad- my nonDD was about the same age as your DD when she lost her Dad (my first husband) and I saw how she was negatively affected by her loss.
She is able now to talk about her Dad in a joyful way. During the times in her life when disappointments come (broke, frustrated with a friend, car broke down, etc) she will be emotionally more vulnerable and speak about him through tears. She is allowing herself to focus on the positives about her Dad now rather than just the pain of loss. She is going through the grieving process in a healthy way.
It is also interesting to me that your DD, at 18, is living on her own. My BPDSD23;, at 18 and still today, is not at all interested in living on her own. In fact, when the person with whom she lives goes out of town (and since she is not allowed to have anyone stay with her in that home) she goes and stays somewhere else, no matter the inconvenience.
Her moving to the city into our condo was part of the plan put into place years ago... .we chose it specifically for it's locale near one of the community college campuses and plethora of cosmetology schools. My husband planned to be there part time (as he worked in the city) so she would not be by herself all the time. When she moved initially her boyfriend moved with her... .that only lasted about 3 weeks before she kicked him to the curb and wouldn't allow him back (can't say I blame her on that one, it was a smart decision). Having the dog (while he is ruining the condo is a blessing for her as he helps bring structure, responsibility, and companionship to her life.
As for your daughter's decisions to suspend taking her meds- do you feel like the depression she has now is on a par with what you saw before she went into RT? Does she have better coping skills for dealing with her depression?
I think the depression she is experiencing now is less about brain chemistry and more about her choices and having the winter blues.
At this point in our lives, when SD states she "can't" we listen and validate and ask her questions but we don't try to change her mind. I think she needs lots of time to effect change. Sometimes her impulses get the better of her though and she will make poor choices or ignore things that must be done. But we get closer to the behavior of a 23 year old all the time.
We sometimes can't know in the moment how what we say can affect change... positive or negative. 4 days after we had the conversation where she told me she didn't believe she could work and go to school (both part time of course) we were riding in the car discussing school and the amount of outside class time each course recommends spending on study. Because I had told her the norm for core courses is 2 hours for every in class hour she didn't belief herself capable of that. In the car I told her not every course, especially elective courses would not require that much outside classroom study time. For some reason a shift in her confidence happened in that moment and she said "oh, well maybe I can do both then". Meaning work and school. We had made a plan for her to come to my house sometime yesterday. She called me in the early afternoon and said "guess what mom! that place I applied at called me and wants me to come in for an interview". My response: "cool. Is this something you want to do?" Her reply: "yes". So I ask ":)o you still want to come over today and look at the classes being offered for the 2nd spring mini session?" her reply: "yes". So she came over... .we made a top 4 choices and will be contacting the school today about registration. Will she get the job (retail clothing store?) I don't know... .just that they called her back is a boost. Will she be able to navigate both school and work? If she believes she can and I believe she can then most likely... .she can.
In reading your post it seems to me that you are in a peaceful place. Hugs for you on (supposed) low days... .but proud that you "sold the ranch" and have a new home. When I lost my first husband I lived in the middle of nowhere. Our most lovely hideaway became an empty nest almost overnight and never felt the same again. But it took me quite some time before I could shake myself away.
The year before my husband was diagnosed with cancer we had made the decision to move back to the city when my d graduated from high school. (we had our eye on a specific general location where we wanted to be) All the choices I made about where and when stayed true to our plans pre cancer diagnoses. It helps my d18 when I remind her that this is the course of our lives that her Dad helped set into motion. I actually purchased my new home in April of 2014 and had to wait for graduation before listing the ranch to sell.
New boyfriend and dog... .something tells me the dog will be a part of your DD's life longer than the boyfriend.
Thurs
Perhaps... .and I have to admit that this boy is the most stable, intelligent, and motivated of all the boys she has ever dated. We talked last night about where they see their r/s going (at this point I'm surprised she hasn't told me he is moving in with her). She told me "we are taking it slow".
lbj
