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Author Topic: New To Group: Need Help with Co-Parent who is BPD  (Read 451 times)
TakesAVillage

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« on: February 24, 2015, 01:24:03 PM »

I am so happy I found your site, and I've scoured it--devouring information I've looked for for so long. I imagine it will become a constant resource in my life.

I am the mother of a toddler whose father was recently diagnosed BPD. We are no longer together, and he has our son 30% of the time.  We have been in constant litigation ($40K and growing, entirely driven by him and highly conflict-based, complicated by his huge salary (surgeon)) since separating two years ago because of an ambiguous parenting plan (which we have finally been granted permission to clarify).

Unfortunately, we have not been successful making his condition public, so it is not a useful tool in that litigation to benefit my son in protecting him.

I am terrified for our little boy, and want to educate myself as much as possible on the condition itself, how I can help support my son, and how to best interact (or not) with his father as we attempt to co-parent successfully.

I'm hoping you can help me with a book recommendation. I've read all the reviews for those on the site, but my situation doesn't seem to be clearly represented by the reviews themselves.

Do you know any book(s) that might address this particular relationship dynamic best?

Most Sincerely, TakesAVillage
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enlighten me
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« Reply #1 on: February 24, 2015, 02:20:47 PM »

Hi takesavillage

You will find a lot of useful information here. I personally have two uBPD exs and three children with them. I have made a lot of mistakes in my interactions with my exs but after finding out about BPD things have got easier.

My ex wife ran up huge legal fees for me aswell. Luckily I never married my exgf.

One thing I will advise is the more you fight the harder they make it. Im not saying that you should roll over but to pick your battles and temper your responses. Try to comunicate only in writing. Text and email or through your lawyer.

Hope you find the help your looking for here.
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DreamGirl
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« Reply #2 on: February 24, 2015, 03:08:52 PM »

First,

Welcome

Sounds like you are trying very hard to do the right thing for your family.  

So it's good to separate some of the issues --- break it down into parts.

1.) educate myself as much as possible on the condition itself

2.) how I can help support my son,

3.) how to best interact (or not) with his father as we attempt to co-parent successfully

4.) an ambiguous parenting plan (which we have finally been granted permission to clarify).


It all ties together absolutely, but sometimes it helps to just focus on the issue in the now. i.e. supporting your son that doesn't involve having to interact with the ex. I know it can be hard with a toddler.

Have you checked out this reading list?

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=56211.0

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TakesAVillage

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« Reply #3 on: February 24, 2015, 09:07:50 PM »

Oh, I cannot tell you how wonderful it is to have found this community, and to have gotten such AMAZING, thoughtful responses already! Juggling family at the moment, but will be sure to log back in this evening with thoughtful replies... .

Thank you. Really, thank you.
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Panda39
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« Reply #4 on: February 24, 2015, 10:00:43 PM »

Hi TakesAVillage,

I want to also say... .Welcome

It sounds like you've had quite the legal fight going on I know how tough that is.  I'm on this web site because my SO has an uBPDxw (undiagnosed BPD ex-wife) I went through much of the divorce process with him and it was high drama all the time.   

A really good book regarding high conflict divorce is Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder by: Randi Kreger & Bill Eddy

A good overview about BPD is also by Randi Kreger Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder

When my SO and I first discovered BPD and began connecting the dots in relation to his ex's behaviors I started reading whatever I could get my hands on.  I went to the library and requested many books on the subject each was slightly different from the next which helped me get a good overview.

My SO has two daughters one 14 and one 18 (they were 9 & 13 when I met my SO) so I 'm afraid I don't have a lot to offer regarding your toddler other than to validate his feelings (without bad mouthing dad). A good book about validation is The Power of Validation: Arming Your Child Against Bullying, Peer Pressure, Addiction, Self-Harm, and Out-of-Control Emotions by: Karyn Hall & Melissa Cook

While I'm giving reading suggestions don't forget to take a look at the links to the right  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

I'm really glad you've found us.  Like me I know you will find support, information and encouragement here.  It's great to get everyone's feed back and perspectives and don't forget to share your advice and experiences too.  Smiling (click to insert in post)

I look forward to hearing your voice in the conversation.

Again welcome  

Panda39
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TakesAVillage

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« Reply #5 on: February 25, 2015, 05:52:56 PM »

Panda39, Dreamgirl, Enlighten me, and Skip,

Thank you all SO Much for making me feel so welcome, unjudged (for not asking, "didn't you know he was like that!", and seriously helpful. I am overwhelmed (happily) by your support and obvious dedication to such a worthy mission.   Smiling (click to insert in post)

I've ordered a handful of recommended books, and spent hours diving into boards, videos, workshops, etc., last night. I intend on staying in that "education" mode for quite a while.

One more question I'm hoping for help with; as I mention, I am deep, deep, in constant litigation with my dBPD ex... .almost exclusively manufactured conflict on his part, but the courts in my county do not have him figured out yet. He's on his SIXTH attorney in less than a year (I have my same one) and I've been ineffective in getting help from the courts thus far to put an end to it. He's incredibly smooth (again, surgeon), charismatic, and appears put together in court. I, too, am a professional, very controlled, etc.,  but no match for him.

I've been found in contempt (manufactured... .and the judge believed him despite tremendous evidence to the contrary), have been denied an anti-stalking order (the judge literally had him raise his hand and "promise he wouldn't do it again", have been slandered to my friends and colleagues by a website all about me, etc., have had to apologize to family, friends, and even professional mentors for his behavior towards them since our separation, and there is simply no end in sight. Despite 21 hours of court-ordered mediation with two separate judges, my court motions continue to be dismissed in the light of, "This is something you should be able to work out" and again, we are ordered to mediation rather than just getting a final order.

And so, while I've pored through the boards re: law, court, etc., I can't seem to find information (not that it's not there!) about how anyone has successfully gone about getting a court-ordered psychological eval. As we know, he's been diagnosed BPD, but he refuses to make that public (not surprising, I now know).

Do you have any thoughts, ideas, direction, etc., in that vein? I have made two appts with different psychiatric ARNPs (I've had success in the past with them during some trauma therapy after I witnessed my infant son endure major trauma at the hands of others) to just better understand and add to my arsenal of tools to help my son as he grows.

I'm already tremendously grateful for all of your help, and I truly appreciate anything you have to share on this subject.

Most Sincerely,

TakesAVillage



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martillo
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« Reply #6 on: February 25, 2015, 07:02:06 PM »

Takesavillage:  I am in a staying relationship but visit this board often for suggestions w my kids.  Another good book that has tremendously helped me w my validation skills is "I Don'tHave to Make EverythingAll Better"  by Gary Lundberg.  It will help w younger kids a lot.

Also go visit the "law" board here.  They will have some recommendations for your legal questions.  I have a brother whose ex is most likely BPD and def high conflict.  Brother's attorney requested a psych eval during mediation.  Brother had to be willing to also undergo a psych eval.  His ex wasin school to be an RN and a negative psych eval would have kept her from sitting for her RN.  She backed off most of her demands when push came to shove so sh wouldnt have to do the psych eval.  If you request a psych eval be willing to undergo one also.  That might convince a judge that you have valid concerns and aren't just being vindictive... .wishing you luckand sending  
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Turkish
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« Reply #7 on: February 25, 2015, 07:08:23 PM »

Hello TAV,

I'd like to jump on the welcome wagon  

If your exH is a surgeon, I imagine he might have strong narcissistic traits as well. Does it seem like that to you? I'll also recommend the Splitting book: Splitting / Protecting yourself While Divorcing a Borderline or a Narcissist

I suggest posting your specific legal struggles on the Legal Board (to best compartmentalize the issues you are faced with, kind of like DreamGirl implied). Start a thread on how you are going to clarify strengthen your parenting plan.

Things to cover in a parenting plan

Your question about him hiding his diagnosis may also be good for a separate thread on the Legal Board. You have a lot going on, and members are here to help, but it may be easier to process what's going on as separate issues that need to be addressed.

Excerpt
I have made two appts with different psychiatric ARNPs (I've had success in the past with them during some trauma therapy after I witnessed my infant son endure major trauma at the hands of others) to just better understand and add to my arsenal of tools to help my son as he grows.

What happened in this instance, if you care to share. Is it relevant to the case? I hope to hear more and I'm glad you are here.

Turkish

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TakesAVillage

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« Reply #8 on: February 25, 2015, 10:07:10 PM »

Martillo,

Excellent suggestions, thank you--I'm looking up the book you mention as we speak and will visit the law board to post my question next. I'm learning from seasoned members the value of dissecting my issue into many smaller bites...   Smiling (click to insert in post)

Turkish,

Thank you so much for the welcome and the advice! And great questions:

Narcissistic traits: oh, yes, absolutely... but honestly, not sure if they're part of the BPD or just traits I'm sensitive to because of all of it. That book looks awesome--I am tracking it down tonight.

Legal ideas: wonderful, thank you. I'll post there right after this. Want to mind my manners being new by not over-posting but I'm getting the feeling it's actually better to piece out my issues and address them to various specific boards.

And, I don't mind you asking about the trauma at all, though it seems to only really have been a final trigger, not a real cause. Our son, at 8 weeks of age, was mismanaged at a hospital when we sought fluids after he didn't nurse overnight (due to a stuffy nose). After being ignored for hours despite strenuous pleas, he went into respiratory arrest and we couldn't get anyone to believe us--they argued he was crying, "mad," and just resting despite the fact he was blue, unresponsive. He had simply tired out and quit.

His father, though an ER surgeon, didn't have credentials at that hosp so he wasn't able to help. Thinking that was the nightmare in and of itself, the next many hours were a series of major hospital mistakes: no doctor on the floor, no release to ER, 4 failed intubation attempts due to wrong equipment and poor technique, eventual total arrest when the wrong meds were administered and he died in front of us... .after 5 of the most damaging hours I've ever endured, my previously perfect, chubby newborn with a stuffy nose had been deprived of O2 for 21 minutes. He remained in a coma for a month... .

Now the amazing news, miraculous, even is that today (over 2 years later) he's 100% NORMAL. There's a lot to why, but too much to go into here.

As you can imagine, the trauma itself caused my ex to lose any coping facade he'd built up over the years; he was initially diagnosed with PTSD (I was there, though he denies it) but later, with trauma counseling, it started to come up that he was likely borderline. I moved out only 5 months after my son's accident (I have two other young children) because of the unbelievably horrible circumstances.

I, too, had just watched my son killed in front of me and yet had to manage a household of kids, my own trauma, while playing shield, mother, healer, target, comforter, etc... .It was unbearable at times.

Anyway, there's the scoop. I am most happy to join the community with as much information as I can provide (anonymously, of course   ). I've had a lot of therapy and am very comfortable doing so.

Huge thanks, TakesAVillage

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Turkish
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« Reply #9 on: February 25, 2015, 10:55:43 PM »

Lol, I'm a high poster, especially last year when I was processing the break up of my r/s with two little kids in the mix. You have lots of questions, we can provide lts of support 

Your story about your baby, wow, how heart-breaking, but I'm glad it turned out miraculous 

I can see how that could adversely trigger his dad, on a number of levels, but you got through it and did what you needed to do, even if you were powerless for a time.

As for the narcissistic traits, I can see where they may be beneficial for a career surgeon (and other careers). It's when they adversely affect interpersonal relationships that they can become a problem. At the core of a pwBPD (person with BPD) is emotional immaturity:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=60935.0

Narcisisstic tendencies vary from person-to-person, personality disorder or not. My dBPD mother doesn't have a narcissistic bone in her body. My Ex, undiagnosed (except for depression), does have a certain dysfunctional level of narcissicm.

I know you're in an adversarial position with him now, but maybe you can glean something from this as well:

Dealing with narcissists by reinforcing the positive

What is the relationship between BPD and narcissism (NPD)?

I know it's a lot of info to throw at you, but as Panda39 said, take a look at the lessons to the right when you have time. Even in a normal relationship, the other person can mirror our behaviors, and we have a lot of tools to help reduce conflict which is good for your children, and good for you (which is good for your children as well).

T

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enlighten me
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« Reply #10 on: February 26, 2015, 12:38:09 AM »

Hi takes a village.

one thing I realised during my divorce is that I was constantly trying to second guess and prevent my ex from doing things. All this running around and constantly contacting my lawyer probably made me look crazy.

I managed to get my exs medical records and a psych eval but it backfired on me. I made the mistake of believing what she had told me with no proof. She said she had been diagnosed with bi polar and ME. I used this as my argument to prevent her moving the kids away. When her medical records came there was no mention of either. The one hour interview with yhe psychiatrist had me blamed for her depression and painted hrr as a lovely victim. My point here being dont form a case on what your ex has told you and dont exoect a pschiatrist not to get fooled.

If its definately been diagnosed and you have concerns about his behaviour that endanger the children then I would try and get it made public in court. This may swing the judge more in your favour.

Good luck.
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TakesAVillage

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« Reply #11 on: February 26, 2015, 01:55:40 AM »

Hi Enlighten Me,

Oh, such a good viewpoint.

It's one I'm quite worried about, actually. Your input certainly is additional caution I will definitely consider.

I know too well the blinding snow job he so expertly puts on, making me look truly insane. I am very, very, fortunate to have an attorney who I've worked with for long enough now that she actually believes me and has seen his behavior first hand. Admittedly, it took a couple months for us to get to that point, tho... .certainly the 10 minutes we get in front of a judge every few weeks is nowhere near enough time to replicate that understanding.

Have a wonderful night and again, thank you.  Smiling (click to insert in post)
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momtara
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« Reply #12 on: February 26, 2015, 02:55:27 PM »

Hi TakesAVillage. I am a mom of two toddlers with a BPD x-husband. I think it's different for the women on this board than it is for the men dealing with a BPD ex, so hopefully I can help a bit.

If your ex is a surgeon, I'd think there are probably npd traits too. It always seems to be the people viewed prominently in society that get away with these things.

You said you're worried about your son. What are your worries? Will he emotionally abuse him, or physically?  Has he shown him contempt before? (Sorry I didn't read every response).

The incident with your baby is scary but so glad it worked out ok.  

I've been divorced a year and a half and coparenting is pretty hard. Luckily I have my kids about 90 percent of the time. Still dread handing them off as they are so small.
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TakesAVillage

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« Reply #13 on: February 27, 2015, 03:44:53 PM »

Hi Momtara,

Thank you so much for the reach-out.

It's actually really great to hear from a mom in a similar situation.

Yes--though I am really only beginning to get a grasp of what's going on with him, I do definitely see narcissistic traits now that I am understanding them.

Ah, great questions re: what worries me: Yes, mostly emotional abuse, as that was what I and my other two children endured for months before I moved out. I am certain if I hadn't done it when I did, I'd still be there and may never have left. He was physically intimidating--putting his body between me and my children, throwing things, punching things etc., though he never actual "hit" me (don't you hate when people dismiss abuse because of that?... .not me... .I was abused as were my kids).

If you're comfortable sharing, I'd really love to hear anything you might want to share about what you've seen in their behavior that may be of concern. My concerns, until just last week, were greatly undefined--I just knew it would be hard going for my son--but last week my ex-dBPD launched an email to me filled with all kinds of (false) accusations from a dirty baby to an addicted mother, and so on (not new anymore) but he also accused me of alienation (he accuses me of serious stuff like abusive use of conflict, etc. without any sense at all) when my 2.5 y/o toddler mentioned my boyfriend's name.

We've been together for over a year, and he has a fantastic relationship with all my kids. My son considers my SO part of our family and asks about him when he's not here, etc... .completely normal stuff.

This time when he returned, he wouldn't say his name at all. Finally, one night when I was telling my other kids "SOs" coming for dinner, my son with ex said, "No, not [SO's] name, Dadda!"

Warm, warm, thanks... .

TakesAVillage

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Panda39
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« Reply #14 on: February 27, 2015, 09:00:42 PM »

Excerpt
but last week my ex-dBPD launched an email to me filled with all kinds of (false) accusations from a dirty baby to an addicted mother, and so on (not new anymore) but he also accused me of alienation (he accuses me of serious stuff like abusive use of conflict, etc. without any sense at all) when my 2.5 y/o toddler mentioned my boyfriend's name.

How do you handle these types of emails? Do you respond? Do you keep the emails for documentation?

My SO has learned to communicate only via email for several reasons:

1) The written format can take out some of the emotion

2) You can take your time when responding - You do not have to respond instantly - You do not have to respond at all

3) Because you take your time you can think about your response instead of just giving your usual tried and true knee-jerk responses

4) Because you take your time you can dissect the message is it a verbal attack full of lies then don't respond it doesn't deserve one.

    Eventually the ex will see the same old strategy to get to you isn't working so well anymore.

5) Do communicate about the kids.  Use "BIFF" when responding Brief, Informative, Friendly, Firm

    (here is a link for more on BIFF https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=133835.0)

6) Communicating via email gives you documentation of all the nutty stuff and verbal abuse as well as your responses to things so he

    can't lie about what you said either.

7) You can just forward emails to your attorney too if you want and let them handle it.

You might already be doing what I suggested above but I wanted to pass the info on just in case because it has been a really helpful tool for us.
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