I am ready to give up

[bobguy421]

I am in a relationship with a person with BPD. We met in 1997, married in 2000. This relationship have been on a constant rollercoaster since the inception of the relationdhip. We blended a family together. She has two daughters and a son. I had a son that was 2. We we came together, the children were 2,2,5, and 7. They are adults now. The oldest lives out of the home with her boyfriend. They have a son together and she has a daughter from her marriage. Neither one of them work. The next oldest child is a girl, she is 22 now and lives at home. The two boys are 20 and still live at home.My son is working and is getting ready to move out due to my wife 's behavior. The other boys doesn't work and still lives at home. They are both twenty. I had an affair in 2004 which ended up being a very disruptive for many years. I am to the point that I don't know what to do. My son is always in conflict with her and I don't blame him. I get stuck in the middle, I try to stay out of it. I get accused of not being loyal husband and protecting her. I am in a position where I see no win for me. Her extrreme attention seeking behavior cause havoic in the family. I am frustrated that we can not address any other issues with the children by having them go to work and be productive members of society. She says that she wants to break up and I told her okay. It is not what she wnats in the end, but I think it is the only logical conclusion to the rollarcoaster ride. I hope this made sense trying to came almost twenty years of history into a paragraph.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Loosestrife]

Hi, I'm sorry you are having a hard time. Have you suggested couples therapy?

[Cat Familiar]

 

I'm sorry you are hurting.    As you know, being in a relationship with someone with BPD can be exhausting. I'm glad you've found us--we've all been through a lot with our loved ones and we'd like to hear more about your story. Please take a look at the lessons on the right side of the page. This information has been extremely helpful to me in keeping peace in my home.

[Ophelia71]

So sorry to hear what you are going through. I know all about the rollercoaster ride. My husband was always miserable when my kids was with me. I had joint custody of my children with my first ex husband. My kids are adults and I still have a great relationship with my babies. I think it makes him jealous. The mood swing and changes has been so rough. I really want my marriage to work. However, I am forgetting how to take care of myself and been feeling so sad. It has been hard. You love the person that you want to help but sometimes they rather have the drama which is not so healthy. You have to do what is best for you and your children. I had to tell my son to move out because I did not want him around my husband, because my husband was starting to blame my son for his problem and issues. My son had to be protected and my son understood where I was coming from. It did not mean I love my son any less, but I just did not want to have any drama that my son or my daughter did not need. I am grateful in doing what I had to do for my kids, but in the process I am now suffering from adjustment disorder because it is very traumatizing to deal with my husband's emotional mood swing who is never happy. He has his days when he can be funny and loving,but he is have more bad days than the good. I know I cannot fix a broken man who chose not to help himself... I truly understand where you are coming from and only you know what will be best in the end. I truly wish you luck.

[Michelle27]

Sounds rough.  My uBPDh and I blended a family also with my daughter from my first marriage (now 20), his son from his first marriage (now 16) and we had a child together (now 10).  My oldest lived in our home most of the time (EOW at her Dad's) and his son visited sporadically.  We met 15 years ago. 

He was very high functioning when we met and the relationship went very well until his son disclosed horrible sexual abuse in his mother's home at the age of 7.  Within 2 years, my oldest daughter was painted as black and can be and my husband actually has stated that he was "hard on her" (ie, verbal abuse, ridiculous punishments for things he excused from the other 2 kids, etc.) because his son was now "damaged" and he actually wanted to even things up by "damaging" my daughter.  That comment was almost the end of my marriage because at that time I didn't even know BPD existed and it just made him sound like a monster to me. I was put in the middle all the time, and no matter what side I chose, it was the wrong one.  It was a nightmare, and my now 20 year old is in a relationship with a boy who she is also trying to "rescue".  Makes me so sad.  I tell you this so I understand how crazy the dynamics can be.  I'm not going to advise you on what to do because only you  know the dynamics of your situation, but if I were you, I'd sit down with your children and talk frankly about how they are dealing with it all and maybe make a decision from there.  Or see a therapist for yourself to talk through your options and maybe help you make a decision.