Should I try and talk to him now?

[Kasina]

Hello everyone,

My bf with BPD is giving me silent treatment after breaking up with me for almost a month now at first I tried to talk to him but then I have up cause I didn't think I had in me to continue being ignored by him it felt if I was being punished or tortured and

Also because I felt I need to give him done space .

I am missing him alot lately,I have also thought about ending my relationship by just letting his silence be final and go NC with him but I can't.


I have thought about all the possibilities of being without him I just can't picture my life without him in it.i have been with him for almost 3 years now and we were engaged all set to get married this summer but then this break up happened and he's as usual sabotaging the relationship and pushing me away.

There has been some ups and downs in this relationship,he broke up with me twice before when he was dysregulated but then things used to get sort out quickly like in few days time but this time it seems very harsh and final.

He also texted me during an argument that while breaking up that he's seeing his ex again but I just feel that he's just saying it to push me away.i just know it.

I feel as if he's pushing me away because we got way to close after getting engaged and he felt in love with me deeply.the level of intimacy making him push me away (that's what I honestly feel).

I was about to text him but then instead I m posting here first cause maybe i shouldn't be chafing or trying to contact him right now?

Should I wait?any advice please,I really don't want us to end.

Thanx .

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[formflier]

Kasina,

I'm glad you posted.  It's always tough to figure out when to reach out.

Have you read the lessons lately?

I'm less concerned about when you reach out to him... .than I am about making sure you are ready if you make contact and start communicating again.

What is your plan if he starts to communicate? 

The goal is to make sure that if you start to communicate it that you have an emotionally healthier r/s this time.

I'll be back later to check for your answers.

Hang in there... .you can do this... .

[Cat Familiar]

I'm sorry you're hurting, Kasina.   

Silent treatment is so hard to experience. And he's also pouring salt into the wound by telling you about getting together with his ex. Here's some articles on the silent treatment: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=191812.0  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=70004.0

I hope you read as much as you can here before you contact him again. Keep on telling us more about you.

[Kasina]

Thankyou formflier for the reply it really means alot to me that there is someone out there to listen and help me out in this hour of need.


I have been reading about the lessons and learning tools but reading and understanding 'em is one thing and implicating it for real is a bit tricky.

I have been trying my best to make things better as in healthier and yes there are less fights and arguments but what bothers me and is one if the thing that has led to this break up is that my BPDbf is introvert and high functioning .highly functioning  as in he has learned all these malfunctioning poor cope up mechs and defences that hinders any kind of growth and stability in this relationship .

It just that he bury his feelings deep inside and finally after sometime it comes out bubbling to the surface leading to a break up or fight.

I believe that after being in this relationship for long I m much stronger and more understanding towards him but I can't do this alone I need him in it with me.

So what I want to do know is that once we start to communicate I will calmly talk to him about this,I am not going to talk about him or his issues directly.all I want is to talk to him about him pushing me away when he feels angry and disappointed instead of that I will encourage  him to talk to me about it.whatever it is so I can be supportive and use the proper tools.

I m also thinking about therapy but I think it's not the right time to talk about it.

One step at a time,for now  what I feel the issue at hand is communication.he feels great amount trouble expressing his feeling and communicating his needs.all I want to work on how is to encourage him to express himself in w healthier way...

Let me know what you think about this and please advice me if I m not on the right

Track or in right frame of mind.

Thankyou.

[formflier]

I have been reading about the lessons and learning tools but reading and understanding 'em is one thing and implicating it for real is a bit tricky.

Can you give us a for instance or two... .we'll see what we can do to give you some tips on how to implement.

I believe that after being in this relationship for long I m much stronger and more understanding towards him but I can't do this alone I need him in it with me.

Good goal... .to have him in it with you.  General idea is that you want to give a good reaction when he has good behavior and not give him a reaction (that he is likely looking for... .) when he acts out.

So what I want to do know is that once we start to communicate I will calmly talk to him about this,I am not going to talk about him or his issues directly.all I want is to talk to him about him pushing me away when he feels angry and disappointed instead of that I will encourage  him to talk to me about it.whatever it is so I can be supportive and use the proper tools.

Which tools are you thinking about using?

What are your thoughts on boundaries?

I m also thinking about therapy but I think it's not the right time to talk about it.

Agreed... .this is a subject to bring up carefully... .and one to show leadership in.  Have you done any work with a T? 

One step at a time,for now  what I feel the issue at hand is communication.he feels great amount trouble expressing his feeling and communicating his needs.all I want to work on how is to encourage him to express himself in w healthier way...

One of my go to phrases is "help me understand... "  So... .he says something weird or possibly hurtful.  Instead of saying "why did you say that?"... .  "Help me understand the words you just used... ."  "Help me understand the feelings that you are having right now... ."

Very different that "why are you feeling this way... ."  That is an invitation for someone to go on a blame fest... .

Let me know what you think about this and please advice me if I m not on the right

Keep coming back and posting... .asking... .answering... .

You can do this... .!   

[Kasina]

Thankyou formflier for the detailed answer I very much appetefiaye it.

Well my bf had again starting communicating with me and he is kind of opening up to me about his feelings and why he wanted to break up it turns out to be that it was due to his feeling of worthlessness and also as I have been very busy since past few weeks so he felt rejected.

To your question,what I meant when I said its hard to implicate the tools it's e.g like when today he said my life is pathetic and I m secluded and that I m very social and have a bright future ahead I wanted to use SET.

It's just I didn't know how to start so I said 'can you help me understand this feeling?bit the he didn't replied so I continued that if I m social then it doesn't mean that I love him any less.

He was very bitter but I eventually calmed him down by being polite and using SET I was trying very hard to put my feelings aside while using SET... tbh I was very scared  that I might set him off ...

Do you have any suggestions how to make him better when he's feeling worthless and dysregulated ?

[formflier]

Do you have any suggestions how to make him better when he's feeling worthless and dysregulated ?

That is a goal that a lot of us have... .but it is not really realistic.  Best thing is to give SET and validation a shot... .then if he doesn't seem to be getting better... .stay out of his way until his feelings improve. 

Let him know you will be checking back in after a certain amount of time... .in order to hopefully avoid abandonment fears.

Generally speaking... it doesn't do us or them any good to hang around them when they are dysregulated...

Does this help?  Do you see the idea here?

[Kasina]

Yes I get the idea,you are right hanging around and nagging  doesn't do any good to them or us it just makes thing worse.

It's just that it's been two years and he is been dysregulated most of the times it's not really his fault he has been through alot.so much that it could easily break down any person without BPD.

Sometimes I feel because of me he is being challenged to a lot of things that he needs to deal with.i.e actually trying to live among people and deal with regular days chores.

He's a anti social person.

At times I feel like I am asking too much of him.which I feel I am not wrong in asking but it's too much to ask from him... I m sorry idk what to say...

This board has really helped me alot!more than alot!

I have so much better understanding about BPD and my BPDbf.

In the end the circumstances vary person to person ...


I love him,it's just I fell are paths are separated ... I just can't see him struggle so much so that I can be in his life... are these normal feelings to have?idk I m sorry ...

[EaglesJuju]

Sometimes I feel because of me he is being challenged to a lot of things that he needs to deal with.i.e actually trying to live among people and deal with regular days chores.

He's a anti social person.

At times I feel like I am asking too much of him.which I feel I am not wrong in asking but it's too much to ask from him... I m sorry idk what to say...

I have felt this way too.  I have realized  "challenging" a pwBPD when they are dysregulating tends to not end up well.  When a pwBPD is dysregulating they are highly emotionally sensitive. Normally, it is hard for a pwBPD to discern motivation and criticism, but when they are dysregulating this becomes incredibly magnified.  It can be very overwhelming for a pwBPD to try different things, especially all at once. 

I found that approaching my bf when he is not dysregulating really helps. I tend to use baby steps and a lot of validation when helping or motivating my bf. It is a slow process. Knowing when to push/motivate and not is important.

 

I love him,it's just I fell are paths are separated ... I just can't see him struggle so much so that I can be in his life... are these normal feelings to have?idk I m sorry ...

I understand how you do not want to see your pwBPD struggle.  Do you think that he is struggling because of you? 

[Kasina]

Hello eagles juju,

Thankyou for responding I understand this that I should validate him and try not to trigger him when he's dysregulated and also it's important know the difference between validating and enabling .

To your question,I feel that he's struggling because of me but not due to the fact that I do something or say anything invalidating but due to fact that I have a life besides him.i.e that I have supporting friends and a very loving family who love me and care for me.

He feels challenged as if he thinks that he has to compete against them to

Gain my love and attention when honestly it's not like that .

He's my priority and there's a clear demarcation between him and my family everyone has there place in my life.

Recently when I was trying to communicate with him about the fact that he's been feeling neglected by me he said to me that' you are social you have a great life.you are perfect and everyone wants you while my life is pathetic and secluded'.

He said that we should break up because its not going to work.somehow he had started to feel that I m this perfect person that everyone desires for while he's worthless' .

I have tried using SET and validation but he is still condef by his misconception .

He told me to go respond to to my friends proposal first and date other people who want to be with me and if no one will accepted you then he would'.

What does this even means?i told him that I don't want to be with anyone else but he doesn't believe me ... he believes that he is nothing to me.

I have even tried to convince him that no one really wants me at all but nothing seems to work.

I really don't know what have I done or why is he in so much pain and dysregulated about?

What can I do about this?any advice?

[ColdEthyl]

Hello eagles juju,

Thankyou for responding I understand this that I should validate him and try not to trigger him when he's dysregulated and also it's important know the difference between validating and enabling .

To your question,I feel that he's struggling because of me but not due to the fact that I do something or say anything invalidating but due to fact that I have a life besides him.i.e that I have supporting friends and a very loving family who love me and care for me.

He feels challenged as if he thinks that he has to compete against them to

Gain my love and attention when honestly it's not like that .

He's my priority and there's a clear demarcation between him and my family everyone has there place in my life.

Recently when I was trying to communicate with him about the fact that he's been feeling neglected by me he said to me that' you are social you have a great life.you are perfect and everyone wants you while my life is pathetic and secluded'.

He said that we should break up because its not going to work.somehow he had started to feel that I m this perfect person that everyone desires for while he's worthless' .

I have tried using SET and validation but he is still condef by his misconception .

He told me to go respond to to my friends proposal first and date other people who want to be with me and if no one will accepted you then he would'.

What does this even means?i told him that I don't want to be with anyone else but he doesn't believe me ... he believes that he is nothing to me.

I have even tried to convince him that no one really wants me at all but nothing seems to work.

I really don't know what have I done or why is he in so much pain and dysregulated about?

What can I do about this?any advice?

Hello Kasina, I am sorry you are suffering right now. It's most likely not anything YOU have done, it's how THEY feel and how they interpret those feelings.

My dBPDh also says he's useless, I should divorce him, etc etc. It's about their self-loathing. Often, I will say "I love you baby" and he will reply with "never been a doubt in my mind" and other times with "I don't know why"---when he says this, I respond with "I know you don't, but I do."

He sees you are social, that you have friends and family around you who love you. To him... .he sees threats. He sees how he cannot measure up. He sees how he's holding you back, how much better you could do.

To me, the whole dating thing he threw out there was probably a test... .he wanted to see what you would say. Also, he probably believes you would just go out there and pick up a guy who's hotter, smarter and has more money than him.

It's really hard for me too seeing my H think like this. He thinks like this when he's dysregulating.

[Kasina]

Thankyou so much Coldethyl for the reply it really makes sense now and I feel much better to know that I m not responsible for this.i had this idea that this has nothing todo with me but to have another person validating this thought feels good 

Can I ask you what do you do when your husband is dysregulated?do you try and talk to him or leave him alone for awhile.?i have tried both talking to him and giving him space but nothing seems to work it's been more than a month now.

It's like everytime we talk its the same thing repeating over and over.

Should I wait it out and focus on myself for now and see how everything pans out?

Is there anything us non's can do to avoid such situations when they feel threatened from our loved ones ?

Thankyou

[ColdEthyl]

Thankyou so much Coldethyl for the reply it really makes sense now and I feel much better to know that I m not responsible for this.i had this idea that this has nothing todo with me but to have another person validating this thought feels good  

Can I ask you what do you do when your husband is dysregulated?do you try and talk to him or leave him alone for awhile.?i have tried both talking to him and giving him space but nothing seems to work it's been more than a month now.

It's like everytime we talk its the same thing repeating over and over.

Should I wait it out and focus on myself for now and see how everything pans out?

Is there anything us non's can do to avoid such situations when they feel threatened from our loved ones ?

Thankyou

Dealing with the dysregulation is a slow process with slow results. I have been using the tools on this site now for about a year, and I do see change. My H does the circling arguments... .saying the same thing over and over like the 'thought hamster' got stuck on the wheel. It seems to be a common trait for pwBPD.

If he's asking you to give him some time, do that. My H does not do the silent treatment thing... .but I have read a lot of other people having that issue, and he suggestion is to give them that space. You might say "Ok hunny I'll give you some time. I'll call in 2 weeks at X date"

That will cover any abandonment feelings he might get if he thinks you will never call again. I would also say to him that you are available if he would like to speak before then. (if you wish to be)

As far as dysregulations in general... .they will happen. The tools we learn here can reduce them in frequency and duration... .but expect it to still be there. I don't have a good coping skill when my H starts talking in circles other than repeating what he said to me... .hoping he will get that I heard it. I think it's something different, though. I don't think he's babbling because he wants to... .but he feels like he has to.

Take this time for yourself. Figure out if this is what you want. Read through the materials here... .other's stories... .learn what you can and make a decision after that.

[EaglesJuju]

i have tried both talking to him and giving him space but nothing seems to work it's been more than a month now.

It's like everytime we talk its the same thing repeating over and over.

I understand how you could feel that nothing seems to work.     I went through the same situation with my bf. It took him a couple of months to be able to speak to me in a somewhat normal manner. When we did talk, the conversations seemed to be the same ones regurgitated. 

What I learned was when I talked about feelings/emotions, the conversation usually took a turn for the worse.  Feelings/emotions can further overwhelm a pwBPD when they are dysregulating. At first, it was hard to avoid any conversation where feelings/emotions were involved.  Small talk and validation were really effective until my bf was more regulated.

I gave him space when he said he needed it.  During that time, I worked on many of my issues.

[formflier]

 

Kasina,

How are things going?  Looking forward to an update from you.

Hope things are going well!   

FF

[Kasina]

Hey FF,

Thankyou for taking time out and for asking .

Everything is not right... what seemed on my BPDbf behalfs time out turned out to be a break up.he is with his ex now and it seems that they are engaged now.

It was very sudden of him I was really hurt but I m trying to focus on myself and trying to just cope up with confusions and feelings of betrayal.

I have posted alot lately regarding the break up over this board and undecided board.

I am not over him but he literally pushed me out of his life,I felt that I triggered him really bad and caused to evoke feeling of unworthiness within him or maybe abandonment and rejection.

Idk... really.i have decided to go NC and blocked him from whatsapp n viber.

It seemed to be the only option for me right now.

I really would want him in my life and I hope once he will be over this episode of his he will be back... hopefully...

Can you give any advice on this ... what should I be doing or expecting ?

I would really appreciate it.

I have been doing alot of studying lately hope it will help.

Thankyou again .

X

[formflier]

 

 

I think time on undecided and the leaving board would be good.

Good plan to work on your feelings... .work on you.

I'll look for you over on those other boards.